Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Bloodcross Key: Arc 2: Reversals ❯ Part 10 ( Chapter 10 )

Part 10:
 

        Seifer stared at the closed door, dazed. His body shook. In confusion, fear, pain. So much pain, but of the sort the pills at his bedside could never touch. All he was to Squall was some burden duty forced upon him. Regardless of how much Seifer wished, hoped, prayed, that Squall cared, was genuinely concerned for him, the cold hard truth proved it to be a pathetic fantasy. To Squall, Seifer was just another problem student that duty demanded be fixed; He had even said as much.

        How could Seifer have expected anything else? He didn't deserve more. Never did. He didn't even deserve the cold, obligated concern. And if he truly loved Squall, how could he even think of fouling him with the sins and filth blackening his pathetic soul?

        Seifer curled tightly into himself, lying motionless on his narrow bed. The faces, images, pain, humiliation, never left him, haunting him like malicious ghosts. He was pathetic and weak and useless, even more than he ever believed in the past. He constantly betrayed the justness of vengeance from those he had wronged with his desperate wish that it all would end. Sometimes, he even craved death. To finally be at peace. To be free of the phantom eyes and hands slithering along his flesh, his mind, his soul. But it wouldn't be fair to them. Wouldn't be fair to those who died because of his weakness, his stupid dream. So, he lived.

        Seifer sighed and turned damp, reddened eyes to look at his clock. 2:21. Squall had said he would be right back. He knew Squall would have better things to do than lower himself to actually spend time with him. He should have known better than to expect Squall would really return. But a small, foolish part of him, deep down, refusing to be completely buried in his despair, clung to the ridiculous hope Squall had meant it. Even if it was only out of a misplaced sense of duty, Squall would be near him. And Seifer could continue to love him in silence as he always had. Watch him and savor the cold beauty and strength that was Squall Leonhart.

        But Squall wasn`t coming. And wasn't going to. Not that Seifer blamed him. Squall was the last person Seifer could ever blame. For anything. And Seifer was far from a position to start blaming anyone other than himself.

        Pain shot through his chest and lingered in a tight clench around his heart. He sat up, fumbling for his medication. Once his shaking hands managed to open the rattling container, he quickly swallowed a white pill, his pale eyes fallen closed.

        Dragging himself from his bed, Seifer shuffled to the bathroom. As he removed his sleep-wrinkled clothes, he hated the cool air brushing against his bare flesh. He hated seeing or revealing his naked skin, the vulnerability of it. The vulnerability of anything and everything freely able to touch him, violate him all over again. But he hated being unwashed even more. Enough filth clung to his soul to not add more by letting it cling to his body as well.

        He turned on the shower and stepped inside, not waiting for the water to warm. All he cared about was scraping the dirt and grime from his skin, sticking to him like a suffocating film, choking him, touching him, violating...

        Seifer slid to his knees, huddling in a corner, the white tile cold against his skin. The spray of icy water beat down on him, battering his naked flesh like thousands of tiny, relentless hands. No escape. No escape.

        He shivered, but not from the chill. His whimpering sobs echoed in the small, tiled shower, but his mind was beyond hearing.
 

*****
 

        Squall left the cafeteria hall with a relaxed, yet determined stride. A large brown-paper bag clutched in his hand, he headed for the dorms. A warmth had settled in his chest, bringing a lightness to his mood, and every so often, to his step when his mind wandered to far to keep himself under control.

        It was a strange feeling, akin to how he had first felt in space with Rinoa. But more. So much more. Like the difference between the light of a match and the light of the sun. Both warmed; both illuminated; yet the intensity was worlds apart.

        He refused to analyze it. In the back of his mind he knew to do so would shatter all he knew, all he believed. Would alter his life in a way he couldn't imagine and wasn't ready for. Better to indulge the sensations of the moment and keep his world intact. Sometimes thinking was overrated.

        "Squall!" a breathless, familiar voice invaded his attempt at avoiding his thoughts.

        Cringing, he stopped and turned to face Rinoa hurrying towards him. Damn.

        "Hey," he said blandly.

        Her lips spread into a knowing smile. "'Hey' to you too," she giggled. "I see you got lunch. And here I was beginning to think you forgot."

        Lunch? He glanced down at the bag in his hand. But...

        "Umm... it's for a... sick student."

        "Oh?" Her head cocked to the side in an expression he once had almost convinced himself he thought adorable, her dark eyes glittering. "That's so very sweet of you, Squall."

        Squall scowled. "...whatever." It wasn't `sweet', it was Seifer.

        "Well, it works out perfectly. I have lunch already all set out in my room." Beside him, she twined her arm with his. "You want to drop that off on the way?"

        Huh? Shit! He couldn't... Seifer. Seifer was waiting for him. "Huh? I..."

        "I'll go with you," she stated, still smiling.

       Seifer. "Rinoa, about lunch. I'm kinda busy."

        Her brows narrowed as she pouted. "But, you promised. And you're always busy."

        Shaking his head slightly, he groaned inwardly in exasperation. Not again. "When Cid gets back, I'll have more time. I promise."

        "It's always `when Cid gets back', and before it was `when things settle down from the war'. It's always something! I love you, Squall. Is it so wrong to want to spend a little time with you?" Her brown eyes pleaded with him, so sad and defenseless.

        Squall sighed. "No, it's not. You're right." She was always right. She was his girlfriend. And maybe if he told himself that often enough, he could make her happy. His feelings didn`t matter. Never mattered. To her or to anyone else. But, dammit, she was right because he never was. "Let's go. I'll drop this off later."

        Rinoa gave him a strange look which quickly disappeared under her syrupy smile. "Okay." She nodded. "I know you'll just love it. I had my favorite restaurant in the city deliver. And I chose a menu you just have to try. It's absolutely wonderful."

        Whatever...
 

******
 

        Squall stood at Seifer's door, a relieved grin on his face, his blue-gray eyes sparkling. He knocked, the thump thump matching the rapid beat of his heart. Finally, he had escaped,... left, Rinoa, who, though disappointed he needed to go so soon, had smiled, happy and, thankfully, appeased.

        His time with Rinoa had felt like an eternity. But fortunately, the lunch he asked the cafeteria's cook to make would keep. He hoped Seifer would like the peach cobbler the cook made for dessert. Squall remembered as a child Seifer loved it, so much he would try to con Zell out of his own share. It wasn't the usual fare for the cafeteria, but being headmaster, even temporarily, had its small advantages.

        Silence.

        With a slight frown, Squall knocked again.

        Silence.

        His racing heart stumbled in its rush to panic.

        Again, he knocked, or rather, pounded.

        "Seifer?"

        Still silence. Nothing.

        He jabbed a gloved finger at the panel beside the door. With a whoosh the door opened, greeting him with the sound of running water. The shower.

        Sighing, tension draining from his body, he stepped into the room. "Seifer," he yelled. "I'm back." Finally!

        After two breaths, the water stopped. Several thumps and clatters followed, and moments later the bathroom door opened.

        Squall's heart tripped over itself then halted, as did his breath.

        Seifer, wet and glistening, stood wrapped in a vibrant blue robe which, while completely concealing, down to his knees, did little to hide the gorgeous curves and lines of his body. Hair, tousled, and dripping, like molten gold, he looked otherworldly, like an avatar of divine masculine beauty, yet, somehow innocent and sweet like a little boy. Like the little boy Squall's hazy memories remembered him to be.

        Seifer's awkward shuffle into the room snapped Squall from his enchantment, but did not break it. It lingered, slowly settling within as his awareness regained itself to the moment. With a long swallow, Squall's breathing returned, although his heart still hammered against his chest like the rapid fire of Laguna's machinegun.

        Smiling faintly, he held up the bag. "I brought lunch."

        Seifer's pale eyes lowered at him, a faint glimmer of sorrow and confusion and, mostly, surprise. "You... I..." Seifer shut his trembling lips.

        Abruptly, Seifer turned and strode to his dresser, absently glancing at the bedside clock and tensing. Squall tore his gaze from his captivating friend to follow Seifer's. 3:12 glowed red.

        Shit! Shit, shit, shit! How the hell could it be so fucking late? No wonder Seifer seemed so surprised. He had probably thought Squall wasn't coming back. Damn. Damn, Rinoa and her constant pushing and prodding and selfish demands! He was sick of it! Contrary to what she believed, the world didn't revolve around Little Miss Princess Rinoa Heartilly. He didn't revolve around her. Others needed him to! Some needed him more than she did. More than she ever did. And some had gone through more horrors than her pampered ass could ever imagine. Not that she imagined much beyond only what she cared about or what she wanted or what she thought.

        His burning eyes darted to Seifer. Seifer's broad back was to him as he rummaged in his dresser for some clothes. Seifer. Seifer who desperately needed what Rinoa demanded, yet never asked for it; His pride and strength wouldn't let him.

        "Seifer, sorry I'm so late," Squall began, fighting the wet sting forming at the corners of his eyes.

        Seifer straightened and looked over his shoulder at Squall, his pale face impassive.

        "Rinoa nagged, ..uh... nabbed me on my way here. I'm sorry."

        Squall prayed he wasn't dreaming it, but a tiny glimmer of amusement sparked in Seifer's aqua eyes and quirked his soft, pink lips. Squall smiled.
 

(end Part 10)
 

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