Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Connected ❯ Fortune's Fool ( Chapter 7 )

The profitable ones belong to Square Enix

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help...

Help - The Beatles

 

 

 

The next day…

 

Rufus didn't bother looking up as the door to his office opened and closed. “Just lay the reports on my desk, James. In the future, I expect you to be on time.” A moment later, Rufus looked up to see a familiar, although rather unexpected, hand lay the requested files on the edge of his desk. Wait a minute… “Tseng, where is Mr. Emerson this morning?” Rufus eyed his second in command standing in front of his desk.

 

Tseng paused a moment and then said calmly, “Truck.”

 

Rufus blinked. “Truck?”

 

Tseng nodded. “Apparently, sir, he was distracted while attempting to cross the street and failed to note the flow of traffic had changed. They're fitting him for a full body cast right now.” Rufus raised an eyebrow. Tseng answered his silent query. “He was crying again, sir. It seems his dog ran away this morning.”

 

Rufus leaned back in his chair, fighting a groan. He heard something that sounded suspiciously like a muted chuckle from Tseng's direction, but by the time his eyes swung to the Wutain, Tseng had his impassive façade firmly in place once again. Rufus was impressed, honestly, that the other man didn't just go ahead and laugh at him. After all, this was the latest round in what had to be the most annoying running joke Rufus had ever had the misfortune to have heard, of much less be involved in. The sad truth of it was that he couldn't keep a secretary; hadn't been able to since he had taken over after his father's impalement. Rufus sighed. “Why now, Tseng? I had just gotten used to the crying. I could work with the crying.”

 

Tseng shook his head and his lips curved slightly. He gracefully sank into one of the chairs positioned in front of Rufus's desk. “I believe it's because you had come to terms with the crying.”

 

Rufus sighed. “So you agree with Reeve that I'm cursed?”

 

Tseng nodded. “In this particular instance I think he may have a point, sir. Ever since Missy, you seem to have been strangely unlucky in terms of personal secretaries.”

 

Rufus shuddered as he remembered Missy, the woman he privately thought of `the calamity from the personnel department'. He had arrived at his father's office the day after he officially became president, Tseng in tow, ready to assume the mantle of power. Missy had seemed normal at first; that is to say, she was dressed in tight, but not completely inappropriate clothing. Rufus hadn't thought anything of it when she came in at 8:45 that morning, holding a file and a cup of coffee. She was no doubt expecting to continue his father's schedule. He was intent on instituting his own schedule, of course, and planned to tell her after she set down the coffee.

 

It was with some confusion, but no fear, that he watched her set down the file and coffee on the edge of the desk closest to the door. She continued moving until she was standing directly in front of him. Missy wasn't a threat; there was nowhere on that outfit to hide a weapon and Tseng would have a bullet in her brain before she could bruise him. Rufus looked up at her and opened his mouth to ask her what the hell she thought she was doing. Next he knew she was on her knees and her hands were going for the zipper on his pants. Rufus could do nothing but stare at the top of her head in a kind of horrified disbelief.

 

A second later Tseng grabbed Missy around the waist, and literally carried the confused-looking woman out of the room. When he returned ten minutes later, he was as unruffled as ever. “I informed her that her services were no longer required. Rude is currently escorting her from the premises.” The bodyguard's voice was extremely calm as he moved toward his former place behind and to the right of Rufus. “I've already informed personnel that you are in need of a new secretary.” Rufus nodded and allowed himself a small shudder. As if he would go where his father had gone before him…

 

That was the end of Missy the Mistress; next up was Miry the Hypochondriac. Rufus looked at Tseng. “Remember Miry?”

 

Tseng made a face. “I still can't stomach the combined scents of chocobo noodle soup, disinfectant and orange juice, sir. I'm impressed you managed not to notice for as long as you did.”

 

Rufus gave him an arch look. “She only lasted four days. She was gone the moment she decided to spray Reno down with disinfectant. I'm not saying he didn't need it, but honestly she was lucky I fired her instead letting him handle it.”

 

Tseng nodded and smirked at the memory. It had taken both he and Rude to hold the redhead back from placing Miry's bottle of bleach someplace highly inappropriate. “I was impressed with your mercy sir.”

 

Rufus nodded and then continued. “After Miry they sent Ivy.”

 

“The one who ate gold fish crackers for forty-five minutes out of every hour sir?”

 

“Right. Next up was Cassia, the one who insisted on calling me `Ruffy', closely followed by Lara, who believed that the office was the appropriate place to cut and eat her toe nails. She was followed by Rissa who wouldn't stop eating…”

 

Tseng smiled. “I was surprised how long it took you to order us to look into the seeming betrayal of the personnel department and how easy it was to discern the fact that all placement paperwork sooner or later found itself going across the desk of Bitsy, Missy sister. I'll admit sir, to this day I'm impressed by the woman's loyalty. To risk the wrath of Rufus Shinra in some mad attempt to make her sister look good… that's dedication.”

 

Rufus smiled. “May I thank you again for your dedication, Tseng? She was beautifully handled and the coup de grace was quite amusing.”

 

Tseng shook his head. “The credit for the coup de grace belongs to Reno, remember? I only fired her and destroyed her credit rating after firebombing her car and home. Reno was the one who shaved her, her cat and Missy bald.” Rufus chuckled as he thought back fondly on the photos Reno had so kindly provided afterwards. “WEAPON attacked right after that,” Tseng continued, “and then of course there was that period of readjustment.” Rufus raised an eyebrow but let the understatement slide. Tseng went on as if he hadn't noticed the other man's reaction. “The next one was Steven…”

 

“No,” Rufus said, anticipating the look on his subordinate's face, “the next one was Charles.”

 

Tseng did not disappoint. His lip curled and his eyes narrowed as he spat out the hated man's name. “Charles. How could I forget?”

 

Rufus laughed. “How indeed, Tseng? After all, Charles was so… memorable.” The man had been handsome, well spoken, thoughtful, attentive and a snappy dresser not to mention the talent with which he performed his job. “Charles got on with everyone, Elena in particular…” Rufus paused to gleefully observe Tseng's increasingly harsh countenance. Tseng hadn't minded Charles at all until the idiot had started hitting on Elena. Adding insult to injury, Elena had been amenable to those advances. “Pity about what happened to him,” Rufus said nonchalantly. “He was truly enjoyable as an employee but he was never the same after that mugging. It's almost painful to think about what they did to him. Broken legs, a dislocated shoulder and clavicle, broken ribs and a collapsed lung, to say nothing of the work they did on his face…”

 

“I believe the doctors had to wire his jaw shut sir. Also, don't forget his broken fingers and toes.”

 

“I had forgotten. You have quite the head for details, Tseng. Odd wasn't it, that we never caught the assailants?”

 

“One of life's mysteries sir.”

 

“Quite. I was disappointed, but not surprised when he refused to return to the office, although his decision to convalesce in and eventually remain in Junon was something of a surprise. Wasn't that about the time that you and Elena began your seeing each other?”

 

Tseng, to his credit, didn't bat an eyelash. “We began dating about a two weeks later sir.”

 

Rufus nodded sagely. “Where was I? Oh yes, after Charles was Steven. He lasted a whole six months before we found out that he was living as man and wife with a chocobo…” Rufus paused as both he and Tseng shuddered.

 

Tseng took over from there. “Astrid who kept rabbits, which you are allergic to, Clay the needy stalker, Gunter who sold items you had touched to Clay…” Another pause for another shudder and the dark haired man continued. “After which you suggested Elena and were able to observe her more unfortunate traits in close quarters. Elena is a paperwork virtuoso but she can talk someone's ear off when she's bored and sometimes has the subtly of a stampeding herd of chocobos.”

 

“That has always confused me about her. I've seen her perform flawlessly under extreme circumstances but you're right, sometimes she starts and she just won't stop. Some clients started sending me letters to avoid calling the office. How do you deal with it anyway?”

 

“I call it `selective listening' sir. I think she may be catching on though…”

 

“Good luck with that. We tried Rude next and he wasn't much better. He barely spoke even when it was necessary and intimidated anyone who came into the office by size alone. I didn't even bother with Reno and you're too valuable elsewhere. I think we picked out Marcus by letting Reno throw a dart at the newspaper. There were five blissful months of normality before he started asking me if I was worried about my immortal soul and would I please wear this crystal to block the negative vibrations from the fax machine. That brings us to the latest in line, James. The man seems to be living a country song. When he was hired all was normal but that couldn't last could it? Oh no! In the last four months his wife left him for his best friend, his father shot his mother and her lover in a jealous rage resulting in his father going to jail, and his daughter ran off with some ne'er do well from the south forty. The man cried like a baby on a regular basis and who could blame him!”

 

Too agitated to sit any longer Rufus stood up and began pacing, his voice rising with each step. “But I stuck with him! I invested in tissues and persevered. But I should have seen this morning's events coming. For the love of the Planet, who runs off with someone from the south forty? What the hell is a south forty anyway? Of course the dog ran away, it was probably finally scared off the by the murder of crows that no doubt alighted on the building the day I hired him!”

 

Tseng wasn't sure whether to laugh or make a sympathetic noise as he watched Rufus lapse into dark mutters as he continued to pace. “You know, sir,” Tseng ventured. “You could always just attempt to do without a personal secretary.” Rufus whirled toward him with a maniacal gleam in his eye. “But then they win Tseng!” Tseng just stared and wondered if he should perhaps make for the door before Rufus became violent in his insanity. The stress of surviving and rebuilding in the past few years combined with the secretary fiasco had apparently pushed his cool-as-ice boss past his limits. He watched as the younger man calmed down, trudged back to his chair and sat heavily before releasing a deep sigh. “Besides Tseng, I really can't be expected to perform the duties of that position and fulfill my own, not to mention how it would look if Rufus Shinra didn't have a personal secretary. These things affect how others perceive both me and the company. You know the value of appearances...”

 

A bit of the crazed look came back into Rufus's eyes and he began to smile far more widely then Tseng was completely comfortable with. “Tseng, what is the name of that woman that Reno and Rude spent the night with a few months ago? The one they shaved bald?”

 

Tseng frowned but answered readily enough. “Her name is Jacinta Guerin. She's employed in the records department at the W.R.O. Why do you ask, sir?” Tseng watched as Rufus picked up his phone and dialed quickly. He hadn't paid too much attention to the girl that day other to look her over quickly to make sure she wasn't a threat and hadn't been treated too roughly by his Turks. The last thing he needed to deal with would be some teary W.R.O. employee telling the tabloids of her debauchment at the hands of the Turks. Tseng had been quietly relieved when Reeve called a few hours later in the day to assure him that Ms. Guerin was none the worse for wear, other then her hangover, and had no intention of scurrying off to the gossip magazines. He'd made a mental note of her name and department just in case, but other then Reno and Rude's punishments, let the matter lie. It was possible that Reno had mentioned her again, but if so, it was only in passing, no doubt because even Reno wasn't thick enough to bring that incident up again.

 

Tseng watched warily as Rufus asked for Reeve and then waited patiently to be connected. He quirked an eyebrow at that. Rufus had Reeve's direct office number as well as his PHS number and had never hesitated to use them to Reeve's occasional chagrin. The only reason Rufus would bother calling the secretary would be because he was making an effort to be polite… oh dear. `Rufus polite' was generally `Rufus after something'. Tseng listened with a growing sense of trepidation as Rufus spoke to Reeve, using what Tseng privately referred to as the younger man's `come into my parlor' voice. Rufus requested in his smoothest tones if Reeve would be kind enough to lend Rufus an employee to fill in as a secretary until Rufus could find a permanent one. Rufus then held the phone away from his ear, his lips tight. Tseng could make out Reeve's laughter quite clearly. The former head of Urban Development was well aware of Rufus's secretary troubles both at the old Shinra and beyond.

 

After a minute or two the laughter died down, and Rufus smiled again. Reeve must have acquiesced. A moment later Rufus shot a pleased glance at Tseng as he voiced his pick for temporary help. “Thank you for the suggestion. I'm sure he's top notch, but I already have someone in mind… You remember Ms. Guerin, correct? Good. Tseng will be by to pick up Miss Guerin within the hour.” Pause. “Yes, she's the one I want; I've made up my mind.”

 

There was another, longer pause during which Tseng would swear he could occasionally hear Reeve yelling. Rufus waited calmly for silence and then began again. “I don't have any nefarious plans, Reeve, I'm a new man… Yes, well, new enough. Besides, I'm only borrowing her services…” The yelling began again, this time at greater volume. Rufus sighed and pressed on. “No I don't mean it that way. I'm just borrowing her in order to keep things going smoothly here. I'll no doubt have someone new in the position within a couple of weeks, but I'd rather avoid a gap if possible. She'll remain a W.R.O. employee; I'll give her a generous bonus and donate the same amount to the charity of her choice. In addition to that I'll donate double both amounts to the W.R.O. Fair enough? Yes of course, she's free to leave if she feels in uncomfortable in any way at all… Please do ask her first, I'd like her to feel like she has a say in the matter. If I don't hear from you in the next hour I'll send Tseng to pick her up… Thank you Reeve… Yes, I'm aware that I owe you… Yes. Goodbye.”

 

Rufus hung up and leaned back once more, radiating satisfaction. Tseng shook his head slightly. “Why sir?” he asked slowly. “You don't know anything about her, other than that she has the stamina to survive Reno and Rude, and honestly, I don't know if that can be considered a recommendation. It certainly gives no indication that she would bring anything to the position other then that endurance.” Tseng sensed that he had mis-stepped there. If there was one thing Rufus might be attracted to right now it was the promise of a secretary with staying power. He tried another tack. “There is also the question of how much time it would take to train her. I'm sure Reeve could suggest someone more… immediately suitable…”

 

Rufus chuckled, cutting Tseng off. “That's just it. Everyone prior to this girl has looked perfect. They all interviewed well, they all acted sane at first. I'm simply turning the formula on its head by recruiting someone who is obviously inappropriate!” Rufus laughed again. Tseng would swear he heard a slight tinge of madness in that laughter and he took that as his cue to leave. He nodded at Rufus as he stood and headed for the door. “Oh, Tseng?”

 

Damn, the older man thought, almost made it out the door… “Yes sir?” He swung around to regard his boss and was pleased to see that Rufus seemed have returned to his normally placid self.

 

“Don't let Reeve talk her out of it.” Tseng nodded again and exited Rufus's office.

 

 

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