Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy - Cave of the Clowns ❯ Cave of the Clowns ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

We (I'm a schitzophrenic) are proud to present....


FINAL FANTASY

The Cave of the Clowns



(PLEASE INSERT DISC 472)


(NOW LOADING....DO NOT REMOVE CHOCOLATE SMIDGE)




(Cloud, Cait Sith, and Vin [he likes to be called that] are standing above the Crater where the cave is)

Cloud: "Alright, everyone. There's no turning back from this point on. Either follow me now or head right back home."

Vin: ".....that's for those of us that HAVE a home, no?"

Cait Sith: (winces) "Heheheh."

Cloud: (goes abit red and looks to the side) "Okay...if you don't wanna come with me and you don't have a home.....go live with Ruby Weapon. I'm sure she'll take good care of you."

Vin: (narrows his eyes) "I was there when she killed Barret, remember?"

Cloud: (laughs nervously) "Oh, so you were! Okay.....let me just say this. Come with me, or go wherever the hell you think you'll be happiest, OKAY?"

Cait Sith: "I will be happiest down in that dangerous hole."

Vin: (nods) "The gate to tommorow is not the Gold Saucer, but the darkness in the Honeybee Inn."

Cloud: ".....what?"

Cait Sith: "Forget it. There's some weird story with him and the Honeybee Inn and you're better off not asking."

Cloud: (slowly nods) "I'll take your word for that. So...everyone ready?"

Cait Sith: "TOTALLY!"

Cloud: "Vin?"

Vin: (looks away and puts on a Russian accent) "No. It's too early. Iiiiii am not ready."

Cloud: (grabs him by the collar) "Come 'ere..!!" (throws him into the Crater)

Cait Sith: (blinks) "Um...."

Cloud: (glares at Cait Sith and points down into the Crater) "Get a fuckin' move on before I rip your stuffins out with a Rune Blade!!!"

Cait Sith: (hops down into the Crater quickly)

Cloud: (turns around to the remaining people in the Highwind airship and screams) "You're all GAY!!!!!" (jumps down after Cait Sith)


(....meanwhile at the OTHER side of the Crater, another 3 people that no one noticed are standing there; Ramza, Deleta [look at me, I dare to rename], and Zalbag)

Deleta: "Who were those three idiots?"

Ramza: "They're probably after St. Ajora as well. If we don't hurry, they might kill my sister in the process."

Zalbag: (sarcastically) "Oh, heavens, anything but THAT..!"

Ramza: (glares at Zalbag) "Don't fuck with me. I'll slash your face open!"

Zalbag: (unsheathes his blade) "Oh yeah?!"

Ramza: (takes a step closer) "YEAH!"

Zalbag: (moves closer) "Oh YEAH?!"

Ramza: "YEAH!!!"

Zalbag: (moves right up to him) "OH YEAHHH?!"

Ramza: "YEAH!"

Zalbag: "OHHH YEAH?!"
Ramza: "YEAH!"

Deleta: (looks up at the word) "Whoa....fuckin' word lost all it's meaning." (glances at Ramza and Zalbag and then slides behind the big YEAH, pushing it into them and ramming them down into the crater along with the word, then following after them)


(....meanwhile, at the very bottom of the Crater, Sephiroth is there. Y'know. There?)

Sephiroth: (stands there on a rock, a bunch of Iron Men and Dragon Zombies standing in the distance just looking at each other)

(it is dead silent)

Sephiroth: (yawns and stretches his arms out, then looks at his watch) "Come on now...is there THAT much stuff to sort out before they come down here and fight me? I mean I didnt leave THAT many enemies walking around. Did I?"

Jenova: (from the front room) "Sephiroth, did you clean that room?!!"

Sephiroth: (calls back) "Yeeeesssss I DID!!!"

Jenova: "Did you feed Choco?!"

Sephiroth: (quickly looks around and picks up a Tylenol caplet off the floor, then shoves it through the doggy door) "Yeahhhhh, mom!"

Jenova: "Did you take out the garbage?!"

Sephiroth: (slaps himself in the head and growls, then yells back sharply) "NO I DIDNT, MOM! I LEEEEEFT IT RIGHT WHERE IT WAAAAAS!!"

Jenova: "SEPHIROTH DONALD MacDILBERT!"

Sephiroth: (slams his door shut and switches on some Brian Setzer, then mutters) "..I hope they fuck her up good."


(....meanwhile, below the OTHER side of the cave, Marquis Elmdor stands beside Alma who is possessed by St. Ajora in case none of you knew. Take offense, I don't care!)

Elmdor: (turns to the side) "Oh great...Sephiroth is being a little bastard again and now I have to hear Jenova's screeching." (mimicks her voice) "Meeeeeeaahhh bleeeehhh, weeeeebbeeebeeebeeebeee [what the fuck am I--...] eeebeeeleeeeleeehhhh!"

Alma: "Can we play 'softest punch', Elmer?"

Elmdor: "ELM-DOR!"

Alma: "I know, I'm just messin' with ya."

Elmdor: (spins around to face her) "How do you play 'softest punch'?"

Alma: "We see who can punch each other the softest."

Elmdor: (smiles) "That sounds like fun! Me first, me first!" (very lightly taps her face with his fist)

Alma: "Okay." (rears her fist all the way back and cracks him right in the center of his face)

Elmdor: "AAAAAOUU---!" (holds his face and moans against his hands)

Alma: (runs away from Elmdor and scuttles up the hill...in...the cave. They have 'em.)


(...meanwhile, somewhere close....)


Cait Sith: "I can't quite understand Sephiroth's logic. We beat Diamond Weapon....and he thought that we'd be beaten by these weak little dragons that're fotsin' around in here."

Cloud: (waves it off) "HE's just fuckin' lazy..."

Vin: (starts looking off in thought and whistling)

(Alma crosses their path slowly)

Vin: (stops whistling and glances down to Alma) "...wow, Cloud, you were right. He IS lazy."

Cloud: "Vin, do me a favor, take out Odin and call it a day, huh?"

Vin: "No, because once I take it out, you won't let me put it away until I master it. Last time you wouldnt let me put Bio away and I spent the day running around poisoning pigeons."

Cloud: (gasps) "THAT'S A LIE!"

Vin: "Oh yeah? I don't know about you, but I haven't seen many pigeons at all lately."

Cloud: "WEEEELLLL, I'm not a fucking pigeon-watcher like you, I've got things to do!"

Cait Sith: "Yeah, like making out with Cid and throwing weapons at Chocobos..."

Cloud: (holds his head with both hands) "AAAAAGGGGHHH! I'm gonna kill you all!"

Vin: (slowly looks up towards the ceiling) "....what...the....hell......?"


(YEAH)

(the big word along with Ramza, Zalbag, and Deleta comes crashing down on everyone)

(they all go cracking off of several walls until they fall just in front of a river just near Sephiroth's...house)

(all of them slowly rise to their feet and shake off the crashes)

Cloud: (points at Ramza) "What the hell is the big idea?!!"

Ramza: (unsheaths his blade) "I didnt do nothin', ya spikey-haired spic!"

Vin: (chokes back a laugh)

Cloud: (glares at Vin)

Cait Sith: (in a Spanish accent) "Cloud Strifocos..."

Vin: (falls to his knee laughing out loud now)

Cloud: (slowly draws a nail bat out of nowhere and starts saying in many different tones) "Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay! Okay. Okay."

Vin: (tries to stop laughing, but can't) "I'm sorry, man...that's just the craziest thing I've ever--heehooooo...."

Deleta: (stands there blinking) "Is that Alma over there?"

Alma: (waves over) "Hi, mister Deleta!"

Deleta: (turns to Ramza) "Hey, Ramza, look, it's Alma!"

Zalbag: (smirks) "Alma Friends?"

Cloud: (a smile forms on his face and he drops the nail bat, breaking into a laugh)

Ramza: (growls deeply and looks back and forth from Zalbag to Cloud) "You fuckers..."

(suddenly an enemy named Master Tonberry pops out of the shadows, slowly walking toward Deleta)

Deleta: (blinks slowly) "Hey...what? What do you want?"

Master Tonberry: (continues walking slowly towards him with his lantern)

Deleta: "Hey, friend! No harm in answering a fucking question!"

Master Tonberry: (keeps right on walking)

Deleta: "....okay then!" (unsheaths his blade) "Let's do it the Play-Dough way!"

Zalbag: (starts walking over to Tonberry) "I got this..." (snatches Tonberry's lantern away and smashes him over the head with it, knocking him out cold) "That's all, folks!"

Cloud: (slowly turns to face a small tunnel) "Jenova...and Sephirtoh. They're close."

Ramza: (glances in that direction) "Elmdor too. I can hear him singing in the shower."

Elmdor: (from a distance, signing) "We-e-e-ell! This cat they're talkin' about, I wonder who it could be-ee! 'Cause I KNOW...I'm...the heaviest cat! The heaviest cat you ever did see!"

Cloud: (tilts an eyebrow)

Cait Sith: (follows up the song) "When they see me walkin' down the street..!"

Elmdor: (continuing) "Hey hey! ---......wait a minute, WHO'S OUT THERE?!"

Deleta: (calls back) "It's just us, Elmdor. We're supposed to kill you, remember?"

Elmdor: "I'll be right out; hold your horses! Jenova, go show my friends some hospitality, would you?"

(Jenova for some reason DROPS down from the ceiling and crashes right on Vin)

Vin: (muffled) "What the f---, get the fuck off me, you---!"

Cloud: (points to Jenova) "Everyone pile on her and pop her like a balloon!"

Everyone: "RIGHT!"

(the group of men all leap onto Jenova's body and run around screaming insanely while plunging their weapons into her skin)

Jenova: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" (turns bright red before exploding brightly, causing everyone to go flying into the walls, and leaving a gigantic crater in the ground)

(everyone slowly gets to their feet)

Zalbag: "What a bitch..."

Ramza: (walks over to the edge of the crater) "Is that guy okay?"

Vin: (pops up from the crater with a big gasp for air) "BAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"

Ramza: (falls backwards in surprise)

Cloud: "Okay then, now that everyone's alive, let's go take care of that Elmdor guy."

Elmdor: (slides into view from the side, wearing yellow pajamas and holding a big red samurai sword) "Come on then, ya buncha gumbies!!!"

Cait Sith: "......ehh...."

Zalbag: "Come on Ramza! I'm getting tired...let's just gang-slash him!"

Ramza: (draws his sword) "Okay!"

Deleta: (unsheathes his sword as well) "I'm down with that!"

(they all charge toward Elmdor)

Elmdor: "You go bang now!" (calls forth a black sword slash technique that knocks them all into the walls...again)

Cloud: "Hey! You're in trouble now, because you gotta deal with the BATMAN!" (pulls out his nail bat and runs after Elmdor)

Elmdor: "....are you kidding me or what?" (calls forth the same technique and knocks Cloud into the wall)

Vin: (pulls out his gun) "Mama said knock you OUT!" (fires a shot straight at Elmdor's head)

Elmdor: (slashes the attack away)

Vin: (narrows his eyes) "Heyyyyyy!"

Ramza: (growls) "He's strong alright."

Zalbag: "Bullshit! He's a pansy-ass lollypop girl!"

Elmdor: (gasps with his hand on his mouth) "WHAT did you call me...?"

Zalbag: "I said you dance through the tulips!"

Elmdor: (sends a blade beam that carries Zalbag against the corner of two walls)

Deleta: (winces) "Bigmouth..."

Cait Sith: (slowly steps forward) "I believe, gentlemen, that you are all unfit to fight this man..and that I must now take over."

Ramza: (looks at Cait Sith) "Pffft....yeah. You do that, Kirby."

Cait Sith: (explodes into his SLOTS limit break) "Big money, big mooooo-neh!" (the outcome of Ultimate Death comes up, and Elmdor disintegrates just like that)

Ramza: (eyes widen) "...wha?!! But I--! And he--! And we--! And then---! Poof!"

Cait Sith: "Yeah yeah....ooh ahh, he's dead."

(Sephiroth suddenly floats into view)

Cloud: "SEPHIRTOH!!!"

Sephirtoh: "Good for you, Cloud. You remember my name."

Deleta: (laughs a little)

Sephiroth: (floats above the ground) "Planet, give me a scream please."

(the planet screams)

Sephiroth: "Thank you. The cookies in the fields are waiting for the reunion."

Cait Sith: "....yes. Yes they...are."

Sephiroth: "The reunion will bring forth fire from the sky and soda from the can."

Zalbag: (clutching his fist) "You diabolical--!"

Sephiroth: "Lifestream will be at my total control and used as an attraction at the Museum of Freaky Crap."

Cloud: "Noooooo!"

Sephiroth: "Yeeeeeeeees!"

Cloud: "NOOOOOO!!!"

Sephirtoh: "YEEEEEES!"

Cloud: "OH no!"

Sephirtoh: "OH yeah!"

Cloud: "OH NO!"

Sephirtoh: (in the Macho Man's voice) "OHH YEAHHH!"

Vin: (blinks) "What the fuck was that?"

Sephirtoh: (looks at Vin) "You be quiet, you father faker."

Vin: (growls) "Don't tell me to be quiet, you feather fucker."

Sephirtoh: "I'll tell you whatever I want to, you fork finder!"

Deleta: "Ohhh, he's sayin' you find forks."

Vin: (holds up his gun) "Take that back, Sephiroth! I DO NOT FIND FORKS! ANYWHERE!"

Sephiroth: (in a whiny voice) "Oh please don't shoot me with your big strong watergun!"

Vin: (throws his gun at Sephiroth's face)

Sephiroth: (gets hit in one eye with it, shutting that eye) "....you're an asshole."

Ramza: "Let's just bring this guy down already!"

Sephiroth: "NO! You all die!" (everything goes black and then returns, Sephiroth now in his Bizarro form)

Zalbag: "BLAH! What happened to HIM?!"

Voice From Above: (all high pitched and squeaky) "Target the five parts and destroy 'em! HEEHEEHEE!"

Sephiroth: (looks up at the ceiling) "SHUT UP!"

Cait Sith: "Come on, fellas! Let's do what the nice voice told us!"

(all of the soldiers begin attacking the five parts until Sephiroth goes crashing to the ground)

Deleta: "ALRIGHT!"

(everything goes pitch black and a spooky orchestra starts up)

Deleta: "FUCK ME!"

(the view of their surroundings returns and Sephiroth in now in his Safer Form, the cosmos behind him)

Voice From Above: "You must-"

Sephirtoh: (fires a big beam right at the ceiling)

(someone or something goes crashing right through the floor, but the fall was to fast for anyone to see)

Zalbag: "This is just getting better and better, huh?!"

Cloud: "Sephiroth! I will stop you!"

Sephirtoh: "Cloud! You're a gaylord!"

Cloud: "....!"

Sephirtoh: (summons the Super Nova attack, which controls the sun and starts destroying every planet in the solar system)

Ramza: (looks up into the sky) "Umm....guys..?"

Vin: "Yeah, I see. Very nice."

Ramza: "Are we gonna do anything or..?"

Vin: "....nahh, let's just let it run it's course. It's natural, isnt it?"

Deleta: "Oh yes; the sun smashing into other planets is very natural."

Alma: (in a demonic voice) "FOOLS!"

Zalbag: (looks over to Alma) "Are you still here?"

Alma: "GET OUT OF MY WAAAAYYYY!" (transforms into St. Ajora's Altima form)

Ramza: "NO!"

Cloud: "What the hell happened...?!"

Altima: (flies right in front of the Super Nova and grabs a lock of Sephiroth's hair, pulling on it)

Sephiroth: "Heyy! Owwwie!!!"

(Super Nova gradually gets closer)

Vin: "Let's get the hell out of here!"

Ramza: "BUT WHAT ABOUT ALMA??!!! Oh, forget it..." (turns and starts running up the exit path)

Deleta: (shrugs his shoulders and follows after)

Cloud: (turns to Vin and Cait) "Let's mosey!" (heads up the path)

Zalbag: (follows after them, muttering) "What a nancy boy..."

(the entire cave then explodes and something weird happens)



THE END

We are done.