Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy VII Whose Line is it Anyway? ❯ Fourth Show (This one's Special...) ( Chapter 4 )

Disclaimer (By ChaosDynasty): I own nothing, including this computer I'm typing on. Though I did pay the money for it. So, does that mean that it belongs to me, therefore making it mine? HEY! I do own something!

 

AkaiKamiRyu: We do not own the Final Fantasy 7 cast, though we are blackmailing them into servitude. (evil laugh)

 

ChaosDynasty: Blackmail…….. is that a new service by the Post Office, in which they deliver mail at night?

 

AkaiKamiRyu: Shut up and let's do this.

 

ChaosDynasty: (starts riverdancing) And here I thought that I didn't know how to riverdance!

 

Episode 4……This ones SPECIAL!

 

Sonux: Welcome back for the Fourth installment. Failed every elementary exam, Cloud Strife. Failed showing emotions, Vincent Valentine. Failed Ninja School, Yuffie Kisaragi. Failed everything, except for being an Airhead, Cid Highwind. I'm Sonux, and I think that, by now, you all know how this show works. If not, than why are you watching the fourth episode? Anyway, on with the show.

 

Cid: Nice confidence booster with the intro.

 

Sonux: Glad ya liked it. Now for the first game, lets make a date, NOT the fruit Cloud! Yuffie, you are the lucky Bachelorette on a dating show. Unfortunately all you have to choose from are Cloud, Cid, and Vincent. We have given them a strange identity that they must act out, and you must guess who or what they are.

 

(Vincent's eyes narrow, Cid raises an eyebrow, and Cloud just shakes his head)

 

Sonux: First off, I wish you luck Vince, and whenever you're ready Yuffie, begin.

 

(Vincent glares at Sonux)

 

Yuffie:(cute) Oh bachelor no. 1!

 

Vincent: uh, yes?

 

Yuffie: I like a man who is not afraid to show his feminine side. How would you show me it on a date?

 

(Text: A mother going through first Child Birth)

 

Vincent: (Takes Deep breathes while massaging `stomach') I would buy you flowers and then (quickens breaths) I think its time. (quickens breath, again) AHHHHH! Ohhh. Um, what was the question again?

 

Yuffie: … I'll come back on that one. Okay, um, Bachelor no. 2.

 

Cid: (Big goofy grin) Yeah?

 

Yuffie: I want a man who knows how to please a woman—

 

Cid: HAHA!

 

Yuffie: (blinks, continues unnerved) What would you do to “please” me?

 

(Text: laughing hyena)

 

Cid: (Laughs, still with big goofy grin) You really want me to answer that? (laughs again) what a silly question! (laughs…yet again) Got any food?

 

Yuffie: no, but you sound like a good time. (Cid laughs again) Bachelor no. threeeEEEEeeee?

 

Cloud: (Smoking imaginary cigarette) oui mon cherri?

 

Yuffie: I like adventurous guys. What was the most extreme thing you've ever done?

 

(Text: Don Corneo jr. attempting to get first kiss)

 

Cloud: Hmm, that would have to be…. right now, while I grace the lips of this lovely lady here. (Points to Sonux while Cid busts out laughing)

 

(Sonux raises an eyebrow while Cloud walks over to him)

 

Cloud: (with bad French accent) oh you are so lovely, mon petit …something. Allow me to relieve you of your first kiss with this grand lover.

 

(Cloud holds Sonux's face and moves in for a kiss. Sonux is able to put his hand between them just in time. Cid falls off stool laughing hysterically.)

 

Cloud: (pulls back and yells) Wooooooo. I did it Daddy-o! I did it!

 

Yuffie: (blinks three times) …okay! Uh, you're interesting…Bachelor num---

 

Vincent: (screams) AAAAAHHHH! (Rhythmic breathing) AHHHHHHHHH! (continues rhythmic breathing)

 

(Cid is now laughing uncontrollably as Vincent continues)

 

Vincent: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH—ohh…(weakly) is it over yet?

 

Cloud: (walks over to Vincent and pretends to be holding a baby) Oui. And here is our beautiful baby girl, Tifa jr.

 

(Cid, at this moment, passes out from laughing too much)

 

Bzzzzzzzzz Bzzzzzzzzz

 

Sonux: Okay Yuffie, Please guess so we can get this scene, which I find extremely wrong, over with. And get a Phoenix Down. Cid needs it.

 

(Yuffie tosses one on Cid as the other two sit back on their stools.)

 

Yuffie: Vincent is Shera after Cid got through with her.

 

(Sonux falls off his chair laughing hysterically while Cid falls off his from complete embarrassment and turns as red as Vincent's cloak.)

 

Sonux: (Hoarsely) No! Wrong…. need…. air….

 

Yuffie: (Sigh) Fine… Vincent is a mother going through labor.

 

Bzzzzzzzz

 

Yuffie: Cid is in the middle of a tickle fest?

 

Cid: What gave you that idea?

 

Yuffie: Well it was either that or a hyena.

 

Bzzzzz

 

Yuffie: (blinks) Oh that was the answer? Okay, now Cloud is….

 

(Cloud hands Yuffie his card)

 

Yuffie: (reads) “Don Corneo jr. attempting to get first kiss!”

 

Bzzzzzzzz

 

Sonux: (slightly recovered) good. Now get back to your seats. 5,000 points to everyone except Cloud. I'll never forgive you for that kiss.

 

Cloud: (Wines) Come on. It was a joke….

 

Sonux: Don't matter. Time for the next game caaaaallllllled…..Weird News Casters. This is for all four of you. Cid, you're gonna be the host of a newscast. Yuffie, you're his co-anchor. You're—(Sonux blinks then chuckles) You're Cid's ten-year-old daughter asking embarrassing questions. Vincent, you got sports. You have a crush on Cid that you can no longer keep a secret.

 

Vincent: … So?

 

(Cid switches stools with Yuffie to get further away from Vincent)

 

Sonux: Cloud you're doing the weather. You're getting repeatedly shot at by a BB gun.

 

(Cloud looks around worriedly)

 

Sonux: So whenever you hear the music, begin.

 

(News intro music plays as the camera sweeps in on Yuffie and Cid)

 

Cid: (with a deadpan voice) Hello. Welcome to the 5:13 news. I'm your host, Begg Someone-else. Our top story tonight: Fanfic writers find a way to turn `Flames' into actual fire attacks. Many burns resulted. Now my little daughter will read the rest of this story. (looks at Yuffie) Go on.

 

Yuffie: (Wines) Do I have to?

 

Cid: Yes, you do.

 

Yuffie: Isn't that the same thing you told Mommy last night?

 

Cid: (blushes) uh….

 

Yuffie: And why was she walking funny this morning? Did she pull something?

 

Cid: You see—

 

Yuffie: And why was she mumbling about getting new leather handcuffs?

 

Cid: (nervously) I think our viewers had enough of this little attempt at a Q&A. Let's head over to the sports corner with our sports anchor, Quick Play. Quickie?

 

(Sonux falls off his chair. Second time)

 

Vincent: (with a deep sultry voice) Thanks, big boy…

 

(Cid blinks and tries to inch away from Vincent)

 

Vincent: Before I give the score to the Super Bowl, I have an announcement to make. I've kept a secret from all of you, ever since I started working here. The thing is… (he starts walking over to Cid) I'm madly in love with this man!!!

 

(Vincent then proceeds to kiss Cid fully on the lips. Sonux is nowhere to be seen.)

 

Vincent: Don't forget, you can `spear' me anytime.

 

(Vincent then walks back to his area as Cid looks like he's about to be sick)

 

Vincent: (winks) Back to you…

 

Yuffie: Daddy, why did that strange man kiss you?

 

Cid: …

 

Yuffie: Won't Mommy be mad that you're kissing other people? Like she did when you kissed that red-haired girl at the Honey Bee Inn?

 

Cid: …

 

Yuffie: Do I have to talk for you, like the last time you got drunk?

 

Cid …

 

Yuffie: (sighs) Fine. Now let's see what is going to happen on the weekend with Cloud Cover. Uncle Cloud?

 

Cloud: Thank you. (Turns around) Well, for the weekend we can— OW!(Looks around then turns back to the “map”) We can expe—Hey! (looks around again while rubbing his back) Expect some rain—OW!! Who the heck's doing that? (rubs his head while glaring at the crowd) Come on! I know you're out there! (Dodges next two shots) Oh, you think it's funny to shoot at a weatherman, don't ya? (stands still) well take you best shot! (Falls to his knees covering his… um… `area' and talks a few octaves higher) Nice shot… Back to you…

 

(Cid is still staring in shock from the kiss)

 

Yuffie: Do I have to smack you to wake you up?

 

Cid: …

 

(Yuffie sighs then smacks Cid. This seems to bring him out of his dazed state)

 

Cid: What the hell happened?

 

Yuffie: (raises an eyebrow) You don't remember?

 

Cid: I think I had a strange dream where my sports reporter kissed me.

 

Vincent: I didn't think I was that good… (winks suggestively)

 

Cid: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! (runs off)

 

Yuffie: I guess that's all. See ya tomorrow. Bye-bye! (waves)

 

Sonux: We'll be right back with some more Whose Line is it Anyway?—FFVII Style after these commercials. And when I get Cid back on stage.

 

(Commercial for Danger Dan's Discount Used Weapons: “We have everything from mops to Ultima Swords and everything in-between. Any and everything a hero of the planet would need.”)

 

Sonux: Aaaaaaaaaand we're back to Whose Line is it Anyway?. The show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right the points are as about as useful as a squirt gun against Ruby Weapon. It doesn't do jack.

 

Cloud: You still haven't told me who Jack is.

 

Sonux: (ignores Cloud, again) Now on to the next game: Whose Line. This time it's just Cid and Cloud. Now what you're gonna do is act out a scene, but somewhere in the scene you're gonna have ta use these lines. (hands Cloud and Cid envelopes that contain the lines) Just put them in you pockets so you don't see them. (They put the slips of paper in the envelopes in their pockets) Now for your scene: Cloud and Cid are explorers looking for the `Temple of Life,' when Cid suddenly catches jungle fever. Whenever you're ready, you may begin.

 

(Cid and Cloud walk around “slashing” at things.)

 

Cid: Dammit! We've been here in this jungle for three months now! Where's the f—ing temple?

 

Cloud: (Overly pleasant) Now Cid, don't get angry. It took the last team 12 years to find the temple.

 

Cid: They disappeared 12 years ago. Get your facts straight idiot.

 

Cloud: Why are you in such a hurry to find it?

 

Cid: Because the only survivor of the last team came back and said: “Oh My God! He's stripping already!!” This adventure must have messed up his mind.

 

Cloud: Really? And here I thought he and their guide where an item.

 

Cid: (looks at Cloud) …

 

Cloud: Now according to the map, we only have a couple more hours left of hiking. (Cid suddenly falls over) Now I told you to stay out of the wine.

 

Cid: I did… until last night. But I think something's wrong with me. My body aches, my head is on fire, and my stomach is about to empty. (Pretends to barf) I think it is “jungle fever”!!

 

Cloud: OMIGAWD!! You're gonna die!!!

 

Cid: (sarcastically) Thanks for the support…

 

Cloud: Wait! My father told me how to deal with this. He learned it from a native medicine man. What you have to do is: “Say good-bye to Mr. Happy!” Though I have no idea who that is.

 

Cid: (stares at Cloud) You really are an idiot, aren't ya? Promise me one thing, if I don't make it.

 

Cloud: Anything for you, old buddy.

 

Cid: I'M NOT OLD!!! But tell my wife this simple phrase: “Don't eat my Moogle!”

 

Cloud: … My God!! He's delirious now. (Helps Cid stand) Hang on Cid; I can see a building over the trees.

 

Cid: Is it the temple?

 

Cloud: I don't know. But the road sign says: Temple 500 yards. So I think we go thata way.

 

(Cloud carries/drags Cid across the stage)

 

Cloud: It's the Temple of Life! Now if I can decode the words on it, I might be able to save you.

 

Cid: (weakly) what does it say?

 

Cloud: It says: “We must go ninja in the night!!!”

 

Cid: … I'm doomed.

 

Bzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

Sonux: Gee Cid, and here I figured that you were doomed a long time ago…anyway, a thousand points to Cloud for…well…I really don't know. For the next game we will be doing “Song Titles.” This game is for all four of you. You must all act out a scene, but you can only talk in song titles, not verses Cloud, titles. Vincent and Yuffie will start off. If you can't think of a song title, or I think you're just BSing, I'll Buzz you out and either Cloud or Cid will take your place. Your scene is a College Frat party. AAAAAAAnd BEGIN!

 

Yuffie: “Celebrate!”

 

Vincent: …”High School Never Ends.”

 

Yuffie: “Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy”

 

(Vincent turns and leaves, then Cloud walks up)

 

Cloud: (Points excitedly at Yuffie) “Itsy-bitsy, Teeny-weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini!”

 

Yuffie: Peeping Tom!

 

Bzzzzzz

 

Cloud: “Word Up!”

 

Cid: “Let's Get this Party Started!”

 

Cloud: “Raise the Roof!”

 

Cid: “7 days”

 

Cloud: Got milk?©

 

Bzzzzz

 

Sonux: That's a commercial. Continue!

 

Cid: (Points at Vincent) “Lady in Red!”

 

Vincent: “Accidentally in Love.”

 

Cid: “Ain't it funny?”

 

Vincent: “Addicted to love.”

 

Cid: (pretends to smoke invisible cigarette. Points to cigarette) “Addicted.”

 

Vincent: “All I Have to Give.”

 

Cid: (rolls eyes) “Everytime”

 

Vincent: “Fred Come to Bed”

 

Cid: (Points to himself) “Gone”

 

Vincent: “How am I Suppose to Live Without You?”

 

Cid: (grins) “Nobody Knows It But Me”

 

(Vincent just shakes his head and walks away)

 

Bzzzzzzzz

 

Cloud: (Points over his shoulder at Vincent) “Dude Looks Like a Lady”

 

Cid: “Friday I'm in Love.”

 

Cloud: “Kiss Me!!”

 

Cid: “Everyday”?

 

Cloud: “Must be Dreaming”

 

Cid: True…. Damn

 

Bzzzzzzzzz

 

Yuffie: “Baby, Come Over”

 

Cloud: “Barbie Girl”?

 

Yuffie: “Mr. Wonderful”?

 

Cloud: (Looks around) “Best Years of our Lives”

 

Yuffie: (sighs) “Almost Paradise”

 

Cloud: (looks at Yuffie) “Wild Thing”?

 

Yuffie: “Bring Me to Life”

 

Cloud: “Catch Me if You Can” (jumps away)

 

Yuffie: “Come Back to Me”

 

Cloud: (points to Yuffie) “Complicated”

 

Yuffie: U2

 

Bzzzzzz

 

Sonux: That's a band.

 

Cloud: (sighs) “Days Go By”…

 

Cid: “Crazy for this Girl”?

 

Cloud: (shrugs) “Every Other Time”

 

Cid: (points at Cloud) “You Get What You Give”

 

Cloud: Um…. (throws his hands up in frustration)

 

Bzzzzzzz

 

Vincent: … “Do You Wanna Dance?”

 

Cid: “I Hate Everything About You”

 

Vincent: (pleads) “Just One Last Dance”

 

Cid: (nods) “Perfect”

 

(The two of them start slow dancing)

 

Vincent: “I Don't Want to Miss a Thing”

 

Cid: “Don't go Breaking My Heart”

 

Vincent: “As Long as You Love Me”

 

Cid: “Are You Happy Now?”

 

Bzzzzzzzzz

 

Sonux: That's enough! If I see any more of you two I'm gonna gorge my eyes out.

 

Cid: Got any hand soap?

 

Vincent: or breath mints?

 

Sonux: Sorry. Now for the best game we have here: Scenes From a Hat!!! As always, we have our audience write up ideas that they would like to see our performers act out. Akai and CD pick the best ones, and I get to read them out of this weird Cowboy hat. The first scene is… “Attack of the _________”

 

Yuffie: Giant midget!

 

Sonux: The ever present oxymoron.

 

Cid: Stawberries with teeth!

 

Cloud: KILLER REBIT!

 

Sonux: don't you mean Rabbit?

 

Cloud: yeah, that one!

 

Sonux: Next scene. Phrases that would surely get you in trouble in school.

 

Cid: -beeeep beep beep, beep beeeep, beeeep beeeep, beeeep beep-

 

Cloud: What did he say?

 

Sonux: next scene. Good news, and bad news.

 

Cid: Good news is the washing machine no longer makes noises, bad news is that it kinda….. “disappeared.”

 

Yuffie: Good news is that the car isn't far from here, bad news is that you can't really tell that it's a car anymore.

 

Vincent: (takes yuffie on stage) Good news is that our marriage is perfect. Bad news, I'm in love with another man. (looks lovingly at Cid)

 

(Cid runs and hides IN the piano)

 

Cloud: I just crashed Cid's airship, but I just saved millions of Gil on my Bike insurance by switching to Shin'Ra.

 

Cid: (jumps out of piano attempting to strangle Cloud) WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY SHIP?!!!!

 

Sonux: Okay I think we need to take a commercial break, because we really don't need any lawsuits for on-air murders.

 

(Commercial for Shin'Ra auto insurance. For current policies go to Shin'Ra.Inc. Note: airship policies are ineffective as of……..forever.)

 

backstage: Cid is currently still trying to strangle Cloud. Yuffie: STOP! HE'S TURNING BLUE! (Sonux walks up as Vincent follows.) Sonux: CID! (points to Vincent) Cid runs onstage and into the audience. He hides behind Shera while yelling Save Me in a high pitch voice.

 

Sonux: Well that was interesting……

 

Shera: Cid get back on stage or I'm not ever letting your fly my airship again.

Cid: (looks horrified) You Wouldn't!

 

Shera: (threatens with shotgun) Try me, Big Boy.

 

Cid: (hangs head)……okay.

 

Shera: (returns to cheery self) Okay! Have Fun!

 

(all audience members within a 10 foot radius of Shera cower in fear)

 

Sonux: well…let's mosey shall we. Our winner tonight is Yuffie. (Cloud holds applause sign upside down. Yuffie grabs sign and hits cloud over the head with it) The rest of us will be doing HOEDOWN, with Aeris on the piano. What I need from the audience is a profession that requires a uniform.

 

Overly excided fanboy: NURSE!!!!!!

 

Silence from everyone.

 

Moments later……

 

Cid: HELL NO!!!

 

Sonux: well if there aren't any other suggestions then I guess we have to go with it. So we'll do the nursing hoedown. Lets just get this over with……

 

Intro plays

 

Cloud: I think nurses are really really cute.

I like how they fill out that white suit.

They always tell me that there is nothing to fear.

But I always end up getting a needle in the rear.

 

Sonux: Everytime I visit, a nurse is always there.

Their always cheery, acting like they care.

They always say that they are there to help.

But when I walk by, all I hear is people yelp!

 

Vincent: When I go to the Doctor, everytime I'm there.

Nurses always want me in my underwear.

I don't why it happens I don't know what I did.

But I keep telling them that I'm in love with Cid!

 

Cid: Why does this always happen to me.

What can I do, to make you see.

Stop chasing me around every day.

I'm trying to tell you that I'M NOT GAY!

 

All: I'm Not Gay!

 

Sonux: Well, tune in next time for more random insanity! Peace! I'm out!

 

Authors notes:

 

ChaosDynasty: first off, I'm not as stupid as I appear in the disclaimer. I do honestly know what blackmail is. Very effective against Akai.

 

AkaiKamiRyu: We are still accepting ideas for future scenes. The more ideas we get in reviews or comments, the faster the chapters will come out.

 

Sonux: Review and get a cookie!......I'm hungry now.