Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Final Fantasy: WTF? ❯ Crack-head heaven! ( Chapter 5 )

(A/N) okay, due to FFnet being a bitch over interactive Fanfictions, at some point in the near future, FF:WTF may vanish from the site. My only excuse for having survived this long is that I don't have the words "The" and "Show" tacked on around the title.

But fear not! For I have a cunning plan! Basically, I'm gonna set up a site for WTF, and have a Forum for questions. But in the meantime, try mailing me questions instead of actually putting them in the reviews. My mail address is for these is moose_of_doom@swirvemail.com

Also, if anyone else needs a place to host interactive fics, this new site will be happy to accommodate them.

-Ben.

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FINAL FANTASY: WTF #5

ANNOUNCER: and now it's time for another episode of Final Fantasy: WTF! Brought to you by Happy Day cookies. Eat them, or we'll plague your inbox with Junky adverts and popups till you do! AND NOW, HERE ARE YOUR HOSTS, BEN MYATT, AND AERIS GAINSBOROUGH!!!!

(Ben and Aeris Appear.)

Ben: Hello everybody, and Welcome to the fifth groundbreaking episode of WTF. What we don't have in insanity, we make up for in cynicism.

Aeris: unfortunately, Harvister of souls, using the imaginative name of "Snoop Dawg" tried to get in again this week…

AUDIENCE: BOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ben: luckily, Moguo recognised the little prat, and kneecapped him.

AUDIENCE: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Ben and Aeris go over to the desk, and sit down.)

Ben: And now, with the word of the show, it's Aeris.

(drum roll.)

Aeris: …Bee.

Ben: SEPHIROTH, HOW LONG ARE YOU PLANNING TO FUGGIN TAKE OVER THIS THING?????????

Aeris: ¬_¬

Ben: *ahem* anyway. In the many worlds of Final fantasy this week, Black Mage from FF1 won the "Big Bad" prize at the final fantasy awards, beating off Sephiroth and Kuja for this adulation.

(Flash to award ceremony.)

BM: I'd like to thank all the people who helped me win this award, Fighter, Thief, White Mage, and Red Mage… But I wont, cos you all suck.

Aeris: FF8's principal Cid was beaten up, for looking to much like Robin Williams…

(Flash to hospital)

Cid: but…why? I only meant kindness.

Nurse: shut up, lardass! *Kicks him repeatedly.*

Ben: ouch. And finally, FF6's Sabin is reportedly in hiding, after this shows accusations that he is gay prompted mass riots from his legion of fangirls.

(Flash to Shadow's house)

Shadow: y'know man, this isn't helping our anti-gay case none.

Sabin: aw, c'mon man, just till the fangirls calm down!

Shadow: *sigh* alright…

(Fangirl appears at window)

Fgirl: OH MY GOD, IT'S TRUE! SEE, THERE THEY ARE!!!!

Shadow: oh shit…

Ben: heheheheheh… that's gonna be REAL fun…

Aeris: asshole.

Ben: whatever, and now to introduce our guest for this week, It's final fantasy eight's resident crack-whore, SELPHIE TILMETT!!!!

(Selphie appears at the top of the stairs, and walks down to the desk where she sits.)

Ben: hello, you drug-girl.

Selphie: hi, you man-bitch.

Ben: okay, okay. BTW, I got a message, saying your latest "Package" is ready at Balamb.

Selphie: YAY! FRESH… milk…

Ben: …yeah.

Aeris: Am I detecting some background between you two here?

Ben: no.

Selphie: no. Never.

Aeris: okay…

Ben: okay, Selphie, first question. What are you on, and where can I get some?

Selphie: HEY! It has never been proven that I'm on… substances.

Ben: and which substances would those be?

Selphie: you know what they are.

Ben: indeed I do.

Aeris: PAPRIKA!!!

Ben+Selphie+Aeris: THE HAPPY SPICE!!!!!

Aeris: anyways, Selphie, whose your dress-maker, because your wearing about as much as Tifa.

Selphie: HEY! I'M WEARING MORE THAN HER!!!

Ben: just.

Selphie: ¬_¬

Ben: oh, don't look like that. You know it's funny cos it's true.

Selphie: Screw the lot of you, you know that?

(Gets up to leave, but Moguo appears holding an M16.)

Moguo: Is there trouble here?

Selphie: …no?

Moguo: y'know, it's weird. Always I go looking for trouble, but whenever I get there, the trouble seems to have gone.

(leaves.)

Ben: …'kay. That was surreal.

Aeris: totally.

Ben: anyway, I can't be arsed to come up with any more questions, so it's OVER TO THE AUDIENCE!!!

(EVADNE42 stands up

Evad: Hiya Selphie!

Selphie: hey.

Evad: My question is, does Irvine like to leave his boots on?

Selphie: hey, he's always leaving his boots on. When he's waling, playing football, doing target practice…

Aeris: I don't think that's QUITE what they mean.

Selphie: well, what?

(Aeris whispers in Selphie's ear.)

Selphie: 0_0

Ben: and the penny drops.

Selphie: 0_0

Aeris: I don't think she's gonna snap out.

Ben: I know how. Does Selphie want a happy day (tm) cookie?

Selphie: …cookies?

Ben: yes, cookies.

Selphie: gimmegimmegimme!!!! *snatches cookies*

(DragoonGrl stands up.)

DG: Hey Selphie, hat's up with your hair? I mean, how and why do you have it curled up like that? It looks like it defies the laws of gravity.

Selphie: well, I could tell you the story…

Ben: Lemme guess. Kid. Plug socket. Stoned. Correct?

Selphie: …have you been spying on me?

Aeris: did we even have to?

(Shade-Angel stands up.)

SA: Selphie- Has anyone in your group tried to kill you, because your too hyper?

Selphie: No.

Ben: is that a time bomb round your neck?

Selphie: This? On no, Squall gave me this as a birthday present! It has my class number on it, see? C-4.

Aeris: and the ring, the appears to contain and injection system full of poison?

Selphie: a present from Rinoa! Isn't it pretty?

Ben: *sniffs air* is that arsenic you're wearing?

Selphie: nope. Just the perfume Quistis gave me…

(GIR stands up)

GIR: why are you always so hyper.....

Selphie: I don't know? Do you think I'm hyper? Do ya really? Doyadoyadoya?

GIR: Do you know if I can get any paprika.

Selphie: NO! THE HAPPY SPICE IS ALL MINE, DAMN YOU! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

*falls off chair.*

Ben: *leaning over desk* are you okay?

Selphie: I'm good! I'm good! *Climbs back up. *

(Bodrj stands up)

Ben: DUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!

Bodrj: …yeah. Booyaka Selphie!

Selphie: BOOYAKA!!!!!

Bodrj: Isn't that skimpy piece of clothing just a tad bit inappropriate for the snow fields of Trabia? I mean I know at some point every male could tell you were cold.....

Selphie: what can I say? I don't feel the cold.

Ben: that's probably due to the large amounts of Crack in your system.

Selphie: *nodding fast* uh-huh!!!

Bodrj: …you guys scare me, you know that?

Ben: oh yeah.

(Apocalypsis stands up.)

Apoc: Do you take drugs and how far out are you? To remain positive even when your old Garden has been blown to pieces, requires some kind of drugs or medication.

Selphie: IT HAS NEVER BEEN PROVEN THAT I TAKE DRUGS!

Ben: aside from the blood test.

Selphie: …yeah.

Aeris: and the stash the cops found in your room.

Selphie: …uh-huh.

Ben: and the Paprika stains on your dress.

Selphie: ENOUGH ALREADY!

Apoc: Are the rumours true that Irvine uses the guns to compensate for something...you should know, right?

Selphie: what would Irvine compensate for? He already has a car.

Aeris: *sighs, and whispers in her ear.*

Selphie: …oh. That. I wouldn't know, goddamn him. But I could probably direct you to people who do…

Ben: like who?

Selphie: oh, Principal Cid… Kuja… the entire population of Shumi village…

Ben: hmmm… more gay characters!

Aeris: oh come on, with that hat you could see it coming.

Selphie: I never got to…

Ben: please, hold that thought.

Apoc: How do you plan to punish Irvine for the latest incident with Quistis, are you two still together?

Selphie: well, we're not together. And lets just say, that when I'M THROUGH WITH HIM, HE'S GONNA BE SINGIN' SOPRANO, YOU GET ME?????

*Male members of audience flinch. *

And don't think I can't spot an attempt at a pickup when I see one.

Ben: Don't flatter yourself. He tried to pick up Eiko last time.

Selphie: …EW.

Ben: okay, that's all we've got time for. If you did submit questions, and they didn't get in, it's probably because I'd finished writing the chapter by the time I saw them, and I couldn't be bothered adding more in. sorry.

Aeris: yeah, sorry!

Ben: well, next week, purely because someone already submitted questions for him, it's FF9's leading monkey, Zidane! Email me questions, rather than reviewing, 'cos then FFnet wont have an excuse to shut us down! But for now, it's goodbye from Aeris…

Aeris: see ya, numbskulls.

Ben: goodbye from Selphie…

Selphie: I've got some Paprika going spare if anyone wants?

Ben: and goodbye from me, GOODBYE!!!

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Director: you know, I've never seen a episode with more Paprika references in it.

(Ben and Aeris self-consciously dust off their clothing.)

…you haven't?

Ben: sorry, man! She let us have it for free!

Director: and where's Moguo?

(Flash to the roof.)

Moguo: oooh, look at all the purty colours… I think I can FLYYYYYY

*jumps off.*

Ben: no idea.

(Moguo crashes through the ceiling.)

Moguo: ooh, the pretty colours…

Aeris: maybe we shouldn't have given him the leftover Paprika.

Ben: meh, who cares. I'm off down the pub. Just make sure that people remember to MAIL ME THE QUESTIONS rather than putting them in the reviews.

Aeris: oh yeah, put the name you want, the question, and whether or not you want to be given Paprika during the course of the show.

Ben: you made that last one up.

Aeris: …yes. Yes I did.