Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Gomen Nasai ❯ Chapter 1 ( Chapter 1 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

This story is a yaoi (male/male pairing) Don't read if you don't like. They will be nothing graphic in the story, more like suggestion of what they are doing. If you read past here and get offended, you can't say I didn't warn you.

This is also a dark fic, dealing with suicide, abuse etc. Don't read if you don't like these issues.

This is a Rufus/Reno fic. So again don't read if you don't like this couple. I'll ignore any flames about anything I've said here. I'll say it once more, if you don't like DON'T READ!

Summary: When Rufus feels like his entire life has no meaning anymore, he tries extreme measures to end it all. The last person Rufus expects to help is there to pick him up, give his life more meaning than it ever has done before. (Rufus/Reno / Yaoi / Suicidal tendencies / R)

This fic is some how totally inspired by the song Blue by Mai Yamane and Yoko Kanno. It's the song played at the very end of the anime series Cowboy Bebop.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rufus, Reno or any other Final Fantasy character that appears in this fic. They are owned by Squaresoft.

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It won't hurt for much longer, he told himself. He wondered just how many times he had said that same line, over and over again. He managed to smile grimly.

But this time it's true. It won't hurt much longer. But this time was different. True, he didn't want it to hurt any longer, but he didn't want to die.

For the first time in his life he had something to live for. That's what was different.

He felt his skin burn like it was on fire. He felt the growing pool of crimson touch his outstretched finger tips. With as much effort as he could muster, he dipped his fingers into the liquid and rubbed his finger and thumb together lightly. A voice rung in his head.

No-one's ever seen him bleed or cry.

How wrong they were. Rufus would have laughed bitterly if he had the strength to. A tear ran down his cheek onto the burnt carpet below him.

No-one's ever seen him bleed or cry.

He had bled more than once in his life. Most of the time it was courtesy of his own father. Other times it was his own doing, but never once had he cried. He never saw reason to. Until now.......

For the first time in his life, he was scared. It wasn't the first time he had stared death in the face. All the other times he was never scared, he even welcomed it. This time I actually have....... had...... something to live for.

Another tear joined the first. His skin continued to burn. The crimson liquid continued to grow. If he had the strength to, he would have curled up in a ball in the corner of the room.

Everything was silent now. He closed his azure eyes and opened them slowly again. His strawberry blonde hair was limp against his head.

I'm sorry..........

The number of people that would have given anything to see the President of Shinra like this. The number of people that would embedded a bullet in the young blonde's head was even higher. It didn't matter to him what they thought. Only one person mattered.

I'm sorry...........

Life's a dream. Sometimes it's a nightmare, sometimes it's pleasurable, but like everything it'll end one day, no matter how indestructible you think you are.

Rufus remembered when he was told that. If it's a dream, tell me why it hurts so damn much?

As if to remind him, pain raged through his stomach. He shut his eyes tightly and breathed a shuddery breath. His head felt lighter. His vision was blurry. All he wanted to do was shut his eyes.

He gave into temptation. Slowly, he shut his cobalt eyes for the last time. He breathed unevenly a few times.

I'm sorry Reno.

He breathed his last shuddery breath as the rest of Midgar carried on the way it always had done.

Three years earlier......

Eighteen and Vice President of a Company he didn't really care much for. Why? Because it was his father's. There wasn't much love between President Shinra and his son Rufus. President Shinra wasn't exactly a model father. His mother wasn't any better.

Rufus dropped the black pen onto the oak desk, running a hand through his short blonde hair. He leaned back in his leather chair, rocking it back and forward a few times, before letting the chair fall back forward. He picked the pen back up and resumed with his work.

His father's idea of a Vice President, was someone who completed all the paper work that he was too idle to do himself. He told Rufus how lucky he was to be able to land a job so easy, how lucky he was to be heir to a multi-million gil company. Rufus smiled bitterly to himself.

How come I don't feel lucky?

President Shinra was a forty-nine year old business man, who droned on about how he made this company from scratch. How this company was nothing without him. Rufus honestly wondered how the company actually ran. He's father was never even in his office most of the time. He was either on a trip to the Honey Bee Inn, or away in Junon. Rufus was actually glad of this fact, because whenever he was there all he did was say how his son would never be as good as he was.

It suited Rufus just fine. He didn't want to be like his father in anyway.

The President's Wife, Julia. They were still married, but had little to do with each other. They had no business in each others affairs. Rufus couldn't recall the last time he had actually seen his mother.

Rufus often found himself thinking how things could have been. How if his parents had actually given a damn about what was going on around them, they might have been a proper family. A family who relied on each other, who cared about each other, who actually loved each other.

The pen snapped. Rufus snapped out of his thoughts to see the pen that he had been writing with snapped in half. He never even realised he was holding it like that. With a sigh he dumped the broken pen in the bin and picked up another one. Broken things could always be replaced. It was a shame that you couldn't replace broken people.

Rufus suddenly didn't feel like working anymore. He silently left his chair and walked into his apartment, which was joined to the office.

How convenient. Rufus spat in his mind. It hated it. He hated all of it. He hated how he's life was already being wrote for him. He hated how no one took any notice of him.

Wonder if anyone would notice if I..... 'disappear'?

He noticed he was stood in his kitchen facing a block of knifes. He slowly walked towards them.

Wonder if anyone would care if I.............

Rufus' hand slid slowly to the black handled blade and drew it out the block. He started at the silver metal glinting in the sunlight.

Would anyone care if I..........

He pressed the knife against the veins of his left wrist lightly. He watched as his skin went paler as he pressed harder. He released the pressure for a second, before without warning he slid it sharply across his wrist. He watched as the blood welded up then started to drip down his arm, staining his white coat.

No one would care.

Rufus took the knife again and slid it across his wrist for a second time, crossing over the first line. He leaned against the worktop and slid down the cupboard doors. He sat so his knees were against his chest, resting his wrist on his knee. He took the knife again and slid it across.

And again.

No one gives a damn about you. No one will even notice.

He let the knife clatter to the floor as his head began to feel lighter. He gently let himself laid on the floor. He closed his eyes.

No one cares.

Then everything went black.

This is funny. I never knew being dead hurt this much.........

"Hey. I think he's waking up."

Huh...........

"Sir?"

Wait a minute........

Rufus made a grunt and slowly opened his eyes. All he could make out was a blur of black, blue and red in front of him. He tried to lift his left arm up to rub his eyes, when pain shot thought his wrist. He moaned and let his arm fall back on the bed.

"Woah! You don't wanna be doing that."

Rufus tried lifting the other arm instead. Finding that he could, he lifted it up to his face and rubbed his eyes. Moving the hand up to his forehead, he opened his eyes again, trying to make them focus. As they did he groaned again.

Turks........ Why they here?

He let his foggy mind try and piece together odd bits of information.

All I can remember is going home..............a knife.............. that's why they're here.

"How are you feeling sir?"

Rufus didn't answer. He closed his eyes again, deciding the sunlight was too bright for him.

"You scared the shit out of us. You know that?"

"Reno!"

"Well...... He did!"

"Reno........" The other man warned. "I hope Reno isn't disturbing you sir?"

"For fuck sake, remove the god damn pole that's stuck up your ass Tseng."

Rufus cracked one eye open to see Tseng glaring at the other Turk. Tseng saw this.

"You'll have to excuse Reno. He's having a bad day." Reno laughed bitterly.

"Bad day? I'd rather call it a fucking shit day. I've had my pay cut for something I didn't do. Then I had it cut again because I wasn't where I was meant to be....."

"And who's fault was that?" Tseng interrupted.

".............then this shit happens." Reno voice ended in a whisper. He fell back in a near by chair. "I'm too old for this."

"You're eighteen Reno, not forty-eight."

"Then why do I feel like I'm forty-eight?"

"I'm sorry to be part of you're bad day." Rufus spat out in a low grated voice. Reno sat uncomfortably for a few minutes before standing up.

"I'll be going then." He muttered before leaving the room. Tseng looked after the red head for a few minutes before turning his head back to Rufus.

"You'll have excuse him. He's gets touchy about some things." Silence invaded the room. Tseng coughed lightly and stood from his seat. "I'll be here tomorrow afternoon to take you home sir." With that the Turk left.

"You'll have excuse him. He get touchy about some things." What the hell did that mean?

Rufus tried to shake his foggy head clear. He'd think about it more later. He then let himself fall asleep.

He woke up the next morning to find his head feeling a lot clear than the day before. He cracked open his eyes a little to look around the empty white room. He stared at the ceiling for a while.

Why did anyone save me? Didn't they know I didn't want to be saved? Wasn't it obvious what I was doing?

He felt the anger building up. Ball his right hand into a fist, he squeezed as hard as he could. His knuckles started to go white, muscles taut, his fist shaking slightly with the pressure. He slowly calmed himself, unclenching his fist.

I'll just have to........... try again.

There was a small knock on the door. Rufus said nothing. Tseng took that as a signal to enter. He saw that the blonde was awake so began to talk.

"Sir. Good to see you're looking well this morning." The Turk paused for a moment as if to wait for a reply he was never going to get. "I have something to take care of this morning so Reno will be taking you home." He paused again. Rufus continued staring at the ceiling. Tseng dropped some clothes on the bed. "You might want to change Sir. Reno will be outside waiting when you're ready." Tseng took a long look at the young Vice President before leaving the room.

Rufus lifted his head up slightly to look at the clothes Tseng had dropped. He sat up as if he was in a trance and started to change. Only one thought crossing his mind the entire time.

Why didn't they leave me be?

Reno poked his head through the door as the blonde was trying to tie the laces on his shoes. He walked in and stood near the Vice President.

"Want help with that?" Reno didn't receive an answer, so bent down and began to tie the shoes himself.

"I can do it myself." Rufus muttered so quietly Reno nearly missed it, but still the red head carried on tying them. "I said I can do it myself!" Rufus spat at the Turk. Reno looked at the blonde for a few seconds, before letting go of the shoelaces. He resisted the urge to say something back and stood up, watching Rufus as he took hold of the laces and tied them with difficulty.

As soon as he had finished, Rufus stood up slowly, looking at the Turk once before looking to the floor.

"You got everything?" Reno asked. Rufus didn't answer. "Ready to go?" Somehow Reno knew he wasn't going to get an answer from that question either. He slowly walked to the door, seeing if the Vice President was following him. He was, so Reno carried on walking slowly out the door through the corridors. Rufus looked at the floor, following slowly behind him.

As they left the building, Rufus asked something so quietly, Reno almost missed it again. "Why did you save me?" His voice was almost timid, something Reno never thought he'd hear from Rufus Shinra. He stopped in front of his car.

"How did you know it was me?" He asked. Rufus didn't answer. Reno carried on. "I'm a Turk. It's my duty to protect you and your family."

"If you wanted to protect me, why didn't you just let me die?"

Reno turned around to look at the other man.

"You weren't trying to kill yourself. You just wanted attention. That's why I saved you."

Rufus felt anger at the response.

"What do you know!?" He spat. Reno looked unaffected by the outburst.

"If you wanted to kill yourself, you would have just used your shotgun and blow a bullet through your brain." He told him. Rufus just stared.

Maybe it is true.......... He thought. Maybe I just want........... attention............. someone to notice me. Rufus didn't talk anymore, he just stepped into the awaiting car that Reno had opened the door of.

Rufus stepped into his apartment, Reno following slightly behind him. He shut the door quietly as Rufus stopped in the middle of the room. Reno genuinely felt sorry for the blonde at that moment. It was if Rufus had lost his very soul.

Maybe I would have done him a favour if I had left him...................

Reno shook his head. He would have done nobody any favours by leaving the blonde in a pool of his own blood. But Reno couldn't help but think it would have helped him if he had.

The Vice President looked around the room for a few moments, his eyes catching the glint from the metal of the shotgun. Reno saw it at the same time, watching as Rufus took a step in that direction.

"Sir........" Rufus didn't answer, he took another step towards it. "Rufus!" Reno practically shouted this time. The blonde took the rest of the strides over to the gun, picking it up swiftly, holding it to the side of his head.

"Why would you give a damn anyway?" Rufus asked quietly. Reno watched on without answering. "Answer me!" The blonde screamed.

"I'm supposed to protect you....."

"Don't give me a half arsed answer! Tell me why you would give a damn!?"

Reno thought about it for a long time. He dropped his gaze from the man and looked at the floor. He carried on looking until the clicking of the safety catch on the gun made him look up.

"I used to have this friend once." Reno took a step forward. Why the hell am I telling the brat this!? His mind screamed, but he carried on anyway. "He was an orphan like me. We kinda looked out for each other ya know." He took another step forward. "He just seemed to get more and more depressed without me even noticing..........." Reno's voice dropped off into a whisper. "He killed himself thinking no one gave a damn about him. I wasn't quick enough to save him."

"What's this got to do with me? You don't need to use me to renew you conscience...." Rufus asked lightly. Reno chuckled.

"You think that's why told you that?" The red head shook his head. "You've got it wrong. I'm a Turk, sworn to protect you and your family at any cost. I take my job kinda seriously."

"So you're just doing this because it's you're job..........." Reno was less than a step away from the blonde now. Rufus looked at him, fiddling slightly with the gun.

"Just put down the gun and we'll talk about it, ok?"

"I don't want to talk....." Rufus almost whined. He took a strong hold on his gun and started the press the trigger. Reno acted quickly and knocked the gun upwards slightly. The gun went off with a bang. Reno watched as Rufus let go of the shotgun. It fell to the floor with a clang. The bullet had missed Rufus completely and embedded itself in the wall at the other side of the apartment. Rufus stared at the red head. "You knocked the gun......."

"I told you, I take my job seriously. Now are you gonna tell me why you're doing this or are you just gonna wallow in self pity for the rest of your life?" Reno asked.

So Rufus told him.

He told him how his own father would beat him for the slightest mistake.

He told him how his own mother had nothing to do with him.

He told him how he felt like he was alone in the world. How no one would care if he stopped living. How he would give anything to be anywhere but here.

He told Reno everything he had never told anyone else, and he had no idea why.

Reno told him he didn't need to be alone anymore. Rufus had no idea what he had meant, until now.