Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Lightning. ❯ Chapter, The Nineteenth: In Which Irvine and Zell Cry. ( Chapter 19 )

Kitty: They cry?! Why are they crying?! Poor Zell and Irvine!

Eoko: You dumb arse. This is your chapter. You made them cry.

Kitty: I did?! -shock- As if I would do that! Heh. Who'm I kidding? Hell, yes I would!

Eoko: Yes, you would, you angst whore. See, I'm still a closet angst whore. Like I said before, "I hates, but I makes" and so do you, except you love it... I'm getting confused...

Kitty: That's alright. Just accept the fact that they cry, and let the good people read.

Eoko: Splendid idea, Kitty, splendid idea.

Chapter, The Nineteenth: In Which Irvine and Zell Cry.

Irvine's heart was beating at a rate he hadn't thought it could reach and he had to look away, feeling hot, and not just because he was blushing. Blushing. He'd done a lot of that lately. It really wasn't good for his image. It wasn't who he was... but then again, who he was had been challenged recently in so many ways.

He swallowed, and a tear ran down his cheek. Once it fell, several more followed, and again Zell found himself holding a sobbing Irvine.

I didn't mean to make him cry... Oh, Hyne...

"Irvine..." he mouthed silently against the sharpshooter's hair and Irvine looked up.

"You said my name..."

"Irvine," he mouthed again, so Irvine could see it.

The sharpshooter gave a watery smile and his tears dried up. He burrowed into Zell's arms and sought out the warmth of his body, curling there as though it was where he belonged. The fighter stroked his hair again, because he couldn't resist the silken strands, and wrote on the pad still set in Irvine's lap.

/I didn't mean to make you cry./

"No, it wasn't... I mean... I'm not cryin' because of you... I mean..."

/You're confused./

"Yeah... no... I guess. I want... I..."

/What? You can tell me./

"What if I... What if I am gay..."

/What if you are?/ Rubedo shrugged. /Lots of people are./

"...I can't be..."

/Why can't you be?/

"I... I just... I..."

/I'm gay./

Irvine was silent for a long time, then he nodded a little.

"I figured. Since you..." That adorable blush fanned out across his cheeks. "...you kissed me."

/I wanted to... since... Well, for a long time. You're very beautiful.../

"Girls are beautiful. A guy... isn't supposed to be beautiful... Seifer... Seifer calls me "pretty"... All the time."

/You are pretty./

"Like a girl..." It was a bitter whisper.

/No. Like you. Like Irvine. You don't look like a girl. Believe me, you didn't look like a girl stretched out on that table at Relax and Sea. You didn't sound like one, either. No one could mistake you for a girl. You're beautiful, yes, but you're a man, too./ Irvine saw him grin. /If you weren't, I wouldn't have kissed you, now would I?/

Irvine grinned too, giving a slight laugh.

"I guess not..." He was silent for a long moment, then, blushing again, he said quickly; "Itwasnice."

Rubedo smiled at him, brushing his hair back from his pinked cheeks.

/I thought so, too./

Irvine looked at him, and tried to speak, but he couldn't make the words come.

Can you do it again?

Asssk him.

Please?

He wantsss to asss well.

I can't.

The sharpshooter looked away again, worrying at his lower lip with a set of straight teeth. It was a nervous habit Zell seemed to see more as Rubedo than as himself.

/Are you okay?/

"Yeah... I..."

Zell couldn't resist. Irvine's lips had formed a slight pout at whatever was on his mind, and - Hyne! - he looked so beautiful in the moonlight, and it was so good to be near him and not have him inches from terror. He lifted the sharpshooter's chin and kissed him again, soft and warm like before. There was no surprise on Irvine's features this time. He closed his eyes and relaxed in Zell's arms, an unquestioning trust in him that took the fighter's breath away.

But Zell was only human.

Irvine's response was so ready and willing that the fighter was touching his tongue to the sharpshooter's lower lip before either of them knew what was happening. Irvine tensed, swallowing, and one hand fisted in Rubedo's shirt, but instinct parted his lips and teeth, giving access.

He was expecting it to be rough and demanding, taking, taking, taking - like Rikan - but he supposed he should have learned by now that Rubedo was far removed from the red-haired cadet. He didn't force anything. He asked. And when his tongue took what was offered him, it begged that Irvine respond. And Irvine couldn't say no. Tentatively, he ran his own tongue along Rubedo's and he thought he just might die when a low, pleased sound came from the back of the biker's throat.

It was as though Rubedo could learn everything about him through just the one kiss, and as though he wanted to make the best of it. He left nothing untouched, and it made Irvine feel special instead of afraid. All thought of being anything even like afraid fled from the sharpshooter's mind and his hand flattened against Rubedo's chest.

You gotta stop, Zell, his mind informed him. You gotta stop or you won't be able to. Stop!

Zell forced himself to break the kiss with a sigh, lips still against Irvine's. He could hear that he had quickened the sharpshooter's breath, could feel the slender fingers flex slightly against his chest. Hyne! Irvine wouldn't stop him! If he asked, he would be given everything. He knew it. Knew it!

"...Rubedo..." Irvine whispered, and it was like a bucket of ice-water had been dumped over Zell's head.

He took a sharp breath. He wouldn't be given anything. Rubedo would. Rubedo. He closed his eyes, fighting an emotion he couldn't name.

/I have to go,/ he wrote without looking.

"What...? But... I... Rubedo, please..."

Zell flinched at the name, teeth gritting against the tears.

He doesn't want me...

"Rubedo..."

I can't...

"Please... what's wrong?"

Zell shook his head, shifting Irvine away from him as gently as he could. He tapped his previous words again. /I have to go./

"But... But, Rub-"

Zell put a hand over Irvine's mouth, shaking his head. He didn't want to hear it again. He couldn't.

"Shh..." he hissed, and leaned forward to press his lips briefly against Irvine's. /I have to go./

It wasn't that far of a walk back to Garden, Irvine supposed as he watched Rubedo drive away, the helmet back in the seat, and his hat back in his hands - but why had the biker gone?

"Did I do somethin' wrong...?" he wondered, standing up. His eyes and throat burned with threatening tears and he put his fingers to his lips, where he could still feel the kiss...es. It had been so... so... right.

Why...?

- - -

Zell only drove towards Garden until he knew he was out of Irvine's sight, then turned and went tearing back to Balamb. He couldn't talk to Seifer, not after what had happened, and besides that, the gunbladist had been strange about Irvine lately anyway. He had to go to his Ma. It was late, but she wouldn't mind.

He drove the bike right up to her doorstep and kicked the stand down, ripping the helmet off his head and dropping it to the ground as he nearly fell down the stairs to the front door. He knocked, hard and desperate, and he was so, so glad when a light came on inside and his Ma called out.

"Who's there...?"

"It's me..." he sobbed. "It's-"

But she had already opened the door and pulled him into her arms. She smelled of roses and cleaning stuff, and home, and she sank to the floor with him, holding him and rocking him while he cried, and cried, and cried. She didn't ask what was wrong, not yet, she was just there for him, stroking his back and kissing his sweat-and-tear soaked face as he sobbed into her pyjamas.

It was just like when he'd been a little boy, waking up in the middle of the night to find his friends weren't there in the room with him. He would come to her bed, and ask her where they were, and she would gently remind him. It happened less and less frequently as he grew up, but it was like that all over again, his hands fisted in the front of her pyjama top, his body trying desperately to curl into her lap, though he didn't fit there anymore. And she didn't think he had that many tears left in him, but he seemed to cry for hours, and when there were no tears left, he gave dry sobs that made her heart break for him.

When he finally, finally stopped crying, the whole story came pouring out of him, from his and Seifer's terrible treatment of Irvine to what had happened on the hill. She said nothing for a long time, just sat him on the couch and made him a cup of tea, and let him sit in silence while he drank it.

"You were terribly mean to him," was the first thing she said and Zell looked sharply at her. That wasn't what he'd expected.

"I... guess..."

"There's no guessing about it, Zell. You were awful to him. Think about what you've done to him."

She gave him some time to think about that, and it wasn't long before he was fiddling uncomfortably with one of the slip covers from the arm of the couch.

"Yeah... I know..."

"Then perhaps this is your punishment. Hyne's letting you realize how bad you made poor Irvine feel, and he's making you feel bad in return."

Zell looked down. She was right. She was always right. And he deserved this.

"But..."

He looked back up.

"But what?"

"But you have to tell him who you are."

"I can't. He'll hate me."

"Then, what? You'll let him fall in love with someone who doesn't exist and break his heart? I think you've hurt him enough, Zell Rubedo Dincht. You'll have to tell him and let him decide."

"I don't want him to hate me..."

"That's a chance you'll just have to take, my love."

She came to him, touching his cheek.

"But, Ma..."

"No buts, Zell. You already knew what you had to do before I told you. Frankly, I'm disappointed in you. I didn't think you'd ever treat another person like that. You need to show him who you really are and apologize for teasing him, as well as lying to him. Then, it'll be in his hands. You jeopardized any possible relationship with him by pretending to be someone else, and you'll have to deal with the consequences."

His eyes were terrified and she stroked his hair, leaning down to kiss his forehead.

"You said yourself he's realizing the truth about who he is and what he wants. If his feelings for who he thinks you are are deep enough, then whatever upset you cause, he'll let you heal. Sleep here tonight, my lovely boy, and then find the right time and the right way to tell him."

Zell nodded mutely, tears pooling in his eyes again.

"I'm sorry, Ma... I'm so sorry I disappointed you like that..."

"You should be," she muttered, but then she smiled. "Everyone makes mistakes, Zell. It's what makes us human."

He stood and flung his arms around her, hugging her tightly.

"I love you, Ma. Thank you."

She smiled and patted his back.

"Anytime, love. Anytime. Now! Go to bed. Off with you!"

He smiled damply and did as he was told, getting into his pyjamas and slipping between the clean-smelling sheets, thoughts of only one person peppering his mind as his fell into an exhausted sleep.

- - -

Back at Garden, Irvine was also sliding into bed, reliving the feelings Rubedo had caused with those kisses and storing them away.

He was afraid he would never see the biker again, after he had left so suddenly, so he wanted to make sure he would never forget any detail of how it had felt, being held and kissed as though he meant something to the man who held and kissed him.

The man.

He'd better stop denying it, then, hadn't he?

"I'm... I'm gay..." he whispered to the dark, and it felt good to say it, even if no one was there to hear.