Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Lightning. ❯ Chapter, the Thirty-Sixth: In Which Selphie's Head Hurts. ( Chapter 36 )

Eoko: Oh no.. I remember this one. -_-

Kitty: Me too! I think... Hmm... But hey! How hot was the last chapter?! –grin-

Kitty: brb doggies to foodage

Eoko: I know it, you know it, they know it. XD

Kitty: Yay for sex! We love sex!

Eoko: No kidding. -snorts- How many pairs do we RP with?

Kitty: Lessee... Irvine and Zell... Kayle and Xell... Leviathan and Bahamut...

Eoko: Blye and Ka'a, Kiis and Gerette, Benjamin and Aerial, Layke and Yosef...

Kitty: That's eight... Any more? I don't think so...

Eoko: Isn't that seven? Well, Ink and Paris too-ish.

Kitty: Uhh... yeah, it's seven... I can't count. Ehehehehe.

Eoko: That's okay. I forgive you. Guess what everyone! It's Anime Evolution the weekend of this update! I'm going as Zell! XD

Kitty: Lucky! Send me many piccies!

Eoko: And videos! I'm going to post them on photobucket and Youtube! Now, I think it's time we let you all read!

Kitty: Yes! Read, oh happy minions! Read!

Chapter, the Thirty-Sixth: In Which Selphie’s Head Hurts.

Seifer knew that look, knew it. And where once it would have led to sleazy innuendos and detailed discussion it now filled him with anger and even more jealousy than ever before.

Zell lay on his bed, just like always, looking dreamy, far-off and down right goofy, right down to the grin on his face. He’d been beaming ever since it happened, and happened again, and well, he just couldn’t stop beaming about it. It had been perfect anyway.

The taller blond had gone so far as to buy one of those squishy stress balls, which was currently resting in his pocket and getting the cornstarch gripped out of it. Poor stress ball. He could think a dirty thought to follow that, but he really wasn’t in the mood.

Not only did he know just from the look on Zell’s face what had happened, and had heard the planning of it, but now the tattooed idiot had to tell him just how it all happened. He didn’t notice the cringes, the scowls, the eye rolling. He was far too busy telling his story as he looked up at the ceiling, and never seemed to look at Seifer at the right time to catch a rude gesture.

Damn, even luck was on Zell’s naïve side. She could have caused him to look every time Seifer did roll his eyes or look disgusted, but noooo, she couldn’t even let him catch one or two in a passing glance. He didn’t see a single one! And Seifer knew damn well he was making a fair number of them.

“It was just so great, Seif,” Zell trailed off with a happy sigh that made the gunbladist’s blood boil. Zell was his, Hynedammit!

When Seifer’s only reply was a grunt Zell sat up and arched a brow at him. “Are you even listening to me?” he asked, thinking his best friend had been completely ignoring him the whole time. “I know you don’t like Irvine, but it was an important night for me too, Seif, and I-“

“Yea, I get it, Zell. You slept with him, he liked it. Good for you.” He frowned and went over to the window, removing his hand from his pocket and placing both on the sill as he peered out over the plains. It was getting exceedingly difficult to even try to be all happy, or even okay with the fact that Zell was with Irvine and not him.

“You’re really being moody lately,” Zell murmured as he walked over and placed his hands up on Seifer’s tense shoulders. He gave a little squeeze and felt the numerous knots in the muscles beneath his hands. “Holy crap. These are long term, man. What is up with you and why aren’t you telling me about it?”

Seifer grunted in response. It was really a wonderful “word”. It really was. He glared out the window harder when he heard the accusation in the younger boy’s voice. Accusation and disbelief. If only you knew… but you can’t know… not with that fucking cowboy in the way. You can’t know… yet.

Zell drove the heel of his hand hard into one of the knots. He’d done it on purpose. Sure it got rid of that one, but it was also painful. What was Seifer’s problem and why the hell was he grunting and not telling him about it?!

“Fuck!” Seifer yelped and pulled himself away from his abusive counterpart- heh, who would have guessed Zell’d be the one abusing him? “What the hell, Chicken? That hurt like a bitch.”

“That was the idea,” the tattooed boy grumbled and huffed back over to the bed. “You haven’t really talked to me in ages.”

“I talk to you all the time!” Seifer countered. What the hell was Zell going on about?

“Which is why I said really talk. Something’s been bothering you. I know I get distracted and forget and go on as if everything’s okay, but I do see it. I do notice something’s not right, and you’re trying to hide it and do it all yourself. I thought you stopped doing that once you realized you could come to me, confide in me…”

Not the sad, depressed, helpless sounding Zell! Seifer couldn’t take that right now. He just couldn’t handle that Zell when he constantly wanted to fuck normal, hyperactive, bouncy Zell. This Zell was even submissive-like!

“I had,” Seifer said quietly, turning to look at the unhappy boy on his bed. Oh, how he’d like to comfort him. Lay him down on his back, crawl over him, cover him completely with his body and kiss away all the doubt and uncertainty in his voice.

“Then why did you stop?” Zell questioned, looking up at Seifer only to see jade eyes look away from him. He frowned. What the fuck was wrong with Seifer?

“You can’t fix everything, Zell. You can’t make it all better all the time.” Seifer sighed heavily. If only he could. If by telling Zell the truth would make the boy his, he’d do it in a heartbeat, but it wouldn’t. He was far too in love with Irvine to ever even think about Seifer in that way.

“How do you know when you won’t even tell me what’s the matter??” He was on his feet again, right against Seifer, hands fisted in the velvet trench coat and face buried against his chest. “I know I’m not being a good friend, and spending all my time with Irvine, but… don’t you even care about me anymore?”

Seifer’s eyes widened and he was glad that Zell was too busy clinging to him to see. Why did he do this? Why did everything the stupid little blond do bring them closer? The gunbladist slowly encircled Zell with his arms and let his chin rest against his head. He breathed a heavy sigh and shook his head slightly.

“Don’t do that, Zell. Don’t say things like that. Of course I care about you,” he whispered softly as he rocked slightly, side to side. More than you know…

Zell’s fingers clenched and unclenched at the material of Seifer’s coat, and not just because he liked the feel of it. He was unsure and he didn’t like that. Unsure of what was happening to himself and Seifer. Things were changing and he was trying desperately to find out what those changes were, so he could fix them.

And he couldn’t for the life of him figure it all out. Sure, Seifer didn’t like Irvine and Irvine didn’t like Seifer. He could live with that. But that wasn’t the problem, and neither was the time they spent apart, because Zell did his best to give Seifer as much attention as he needed- which mind you, was not an easy task. And things were still changing.

He relaxed somewhat when he felt the taller man’s hands sliding up and down his spine. “Why won’t you tell me?” he asked softly, cheek resting against Seifer’s strong chest.

“Some things just aren’t for little chickens to know…”

Zell’s hand lifted to hit the taller boy for the comment, but the tone in the voice stopped him, forced his hand to find a new place to rest when it came down in a gentle almost-caress of a velvet-clad arm. He didn’t understand at all. Seifer had always told him everything.

The closeness between them was becoming too much for Seifer to bear. He wanted so badly to lift Zell’s chin and lower his lips to the shorter boy’s. He wanted to be soft, and gentle, and loving and show Zell that he could be all those things. Somehow he doubted that the marital artist thought he had those qualities. They’d never really been needed, so he’d never showed them. But how he wanted to now…

It was killing him, breaking his heart in two. He wanted this, what he had right then. The man he loved so, so much was in his arms, clinging to him, hurt that he was unaware of some trouble he couldn’t fix. He never wanted to let go, but he had to.

Having Zell in his arms was like a cruel prank. Like dangling an ever tantalizing treat in front of his face, so close that he could be almost sure it was not only in his reach, but that it was his. But at the same time there was the knowledge. The knowledge of Irvine, of him and Zell, of the fact that any romantic dreams he cooked up for himself and the spunky martial artist would always be that, only dreams. And since when did Seifer Almasy’s dreams ever come true?

Oh Hyne, and didn’t that just lead his mind down a bad little path. Zell made it all go away. He drove away all the bad things in Seifer’s world and his mind. He could sneak into the fighter’s room at three in the morning and crawl into bed with him after having a nightmare, and Zell wouldn’t care that he’d been woken by the twitchy and half-asleep man knocking something over and cursing. He’d just sit up and stroke his fingers through his hair in a soft touch that sent him back to sleep, forgetting the nightmare all together.

Couldn’t do that now, could he? They’d been going away, coming less frequent, but they still happened every now and again, and what was he suppose to do then?! It was so natural to climb into Zell’s bed, to let down his walls and accept the touches and sounds of comfort. He’d never done that with anyone else. How hadn’t he seen it all before??

Zell still stood, holding him, and Seifer had the slightest bit of hope that it was more than just the fact that he’d still been holding the tattooed boy; that Zell wanted to be there, with his arms around him. But hope and luck came hand-in-hand for Seifer. He was shit with both.

“Seif…” Zell mumbled. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want too…”

Oh, Zell, don’t sound like that… you’re breaking my tiny little Almasy heart… “I want to… tell you. I just can’t. It’s my problem, not yours, Zell, and I think I need to take care of this myself.” And Hyne be damned if I haven’t been taking care of it myself.

Well that little confession sure didn’t brighten Zell’s mood any. “Come ‘ere,” he said, giving Seifer a rough tug toward the touch. “Cuddle.”

Uh-oh, he was having a pout. He wanted something warm and comfortable to make it all better. He only ever had that whiny little short-worded sentence structure when he was having a pout and wanted you to know he was having one. Not that is was difficult to know even if he didn’t want you to.

And like fuck Seifer could do anything to deny him. He lay back on the couch and drew Zell over him, letting the smaller boy rest his head on his chest and curl up against him, perfectly against him. There was no way that he and Irvine fit this well together.

- - -

Selphie was rummage through old journals, diaries, letters to herself and about a zillion other mementos she kept. She was a packrat more than the fact she wanted to help keep from misplacing her memories.

She was looking for something to confirm what her memories had told her about Zell’s past with Seifer. More accurately, Zell’s side of things. Boy was he a talker, even about personal things, if you were willing to listen.

And since Selphie was a bubbling yaoi fangirl by the young age of twelve- ahh, that was such an interesting field training class- she had no problem soaking in the blond’s stories of first crushes and first loves. In fact, she was so giddy about it she had written them down the very nights she heard the stories.

Sure, it had been a few years between some of the stories taking place and when they were told, but Zell seemed well able to recall them. It had been before the SeeD Field Exam- Zell, Squall, Nida and hers that was –when she had been transferred over to get acquainted with her peers before smooshing them all together and sending them on a test.

So, minimal GF use led to many unphased memory circuits. If he ever got a hold of her notes, she was sure he’d remember everything. It didn’t take much prompting before new pathways found their way back to memories thought to be lost (1).

She did a self-congratulating cheer when she found the book in question. It was from her ‘I like pink things with blue and green stars on them’ phase. Suffice it to say, that phase did not last long, but the book got used up well and good.

The brunette plunked down on her toosh on her bed, back against the wall and started flipping through the pages until she found the one with bubble-hearts drawn all over it. ((You know we would all so do that. It’s part of yaoi fangirlism))

Zell is the uber-cutest! It read. And he’s gay! Isn’t that uber-cute too! So it was also her uber phase. Damn that Selphie and her overlapping phases of oddness! He told me about when he first came to Garden. He came to his Garden when he was 13, did you know that? I didn’t know that, not until he told me anyway. Selphie arched a brow at the written page. Well duh, me. She thought to herself as she read on. He didn’t know he was an uber-cute-gay boy when he first came to Garden. He didn’t even know he was uber-cute! /shocked But then again, I don’t know if he was uber-cute back then too, cause I wasn’t here, I was in Trabia.

Anyway, even though he didn’t know he was gay his hormones sure did! But he didn’t know how to explain them then. He said on his very first day he saw this boy. He was blond and tall and had green eyes and a confident look about him. I know! That’s totally that Seifer Almasy guy, right?! Well I asked him if that was totally the Seifer Almasy guy and he said it totally was! I was so right! But, right, Zell saw this guy and he was like, itty bitty then. I mean, he’s only three and a half inches taller than me and I’m short! So he was uber short back then. And Seifer was all tall and smesky (that’s sexy, in case you didn’t know, journal), but Zell didn’t think he was smesky then cause he didn’t know he was an uber-cute gay boy. But he was all like, “Oh, that guy is so cool. He must be a SeeD. He is so confident and smesky!” But no smeskiness and not like a robot.

But then he found out that Seifer was only a year older than him! Only a year! And he was so in awe that someone at 14 could look so smesky! Well, confident and like a SeeD. But smesky covers that all, right? Right!

Wow… Selphie thought. She had been really weird less than a year ago. Like, seriously on way too much, sugar, caffeine, or something. Well, she’d found Zell’s first Seifer sighting. She flipped the page and read on.

But Seifer wasn’t so cool as Zell thought he was. No way! He was mean and rude and picked on people. Even people that were older than him! Cause he was tall and arrogant, and really good with his gunblade. Oh, journal! That was dirty wasn’t it! Bad Selphie, bad!

And when Seifer saw Zell, I don’t think he thought Zell was uber-cute either, cause he was mean to him straight away! Isn’t that mean, journal?? I know! And Zell got sad! He looked up to Seifer from the moment he saw him, like some sort of idol, and then that mean idol just went up an bonked him on the head! Well, I don’t know, he might have actually bonked him on the head, but I didn’t mean it literally.

Selphie was getting fed up with the random dribble about the first meeting and shit. There was more important info somewhere in there. She started flipping pages and scanning for the word love. Wasn’t the best word to choose because she seemed to have loved a lot of stuff about, around and in Balamb Garden those next dozen or so pages.

But, after much perseverance, for Selphie anyway, she finally found what she was looking for. She zipped to the beginning of the story and started reading.

Dear Journal,
Zell and I talked more today. He told me about the first guy he ever loved. It was so sweeeeeet! And it was so unlikely too! And kinda weird and a little messed up at the same time! Isn’t that a lot of stuff all rolled into one, that you wouldn’t think would equal love, but did? I thought so too.

And it has to do with Seifer again. Like I said a while back, Seifer picked on poor Zell. For a long time too! Cause he was still picking on him when Zell was 16! That’s three years, journal. Poor Zell! But when Zell was 16 Seifer decided that Zell was gay! (We’ll ignore the fact that he was right for right now.)

So, after he decided, or “knew” as Zell put it, he started teasing him about that. He said Zell liked boys and wanted all sorts of things that Zell really didn’t know he wanted at all. And he got really defensive about it and tried really hard to ignore Seifer. But he was really, really bad, and persistent. He wouldn’t let Zell alone!

And, you know when you hear enough of something, again and again and again and even if you don’t want to you start thinking about it? Well, Zell started thinking about what Seifer had been tormenting him with. And this is where we get to Seifer’s smeskiness.

Zell was kinda being avoided cause of this. Cause I wasn’t here then either, so I couldn’t threaten- help the homophobies to get over their homophobiness. And Seifer was always making everyone go away so he could tease Zell in peace. So you see journal, Seifer was the guy Zell saw most and had the most influence on his life. Sure it was bad influence, but it was influence. So Zelly started thinking about Seifer, and he was smesky. He’s like a god! Really, journal! If you had eyes I would show you.

So Zell realized that maybe he did like boys, and that maybe he was an uber-cute gay boy. But how does he know? He’s never been with a smesky-gay boy. And now since he’s been thinking about Seifer and being gay he’s all like “Mm, he’s so smesky…” and he so totally wants Seifer, but he’s a chicken wuss. Don’t tell him I said that, journal!

But he got up enough courage and he got Seifer to the side one day, so no one would hear, and he told him that he had been right. Man, I don’t think telling Seifer he’s right is ever a good idea. His ego may blow up his head or something. And then Zell said he stumbled around trying to tell Seifer what he thought about him (that he was smesky) and that when he finally did, Seifer just laughed at him like he was insane!

He didn’t want Zell at all, even though Zell was so cute. He was so mean, and Zelly was so sad! He ran away crying! He’d thought about Seifer a lot! He’d even decided that Seifer had teased him to make him see the truth so he could be happy. But that wasn’t the case at all. Seifer just wanted to tease him. Zell thought that Seifer could have showed him what it meant to be gay. Not just make random comments about getting it up the arse.

Isn’t that so sad? Even after all that bad stuff Seifer did to him, he wanted to be with that arrogant dunderhead! Oh, how cute they would have been if Seifer hadn’t been such a dick and refused Zell’s love. It was so cute when Zelly told me! He said, and I quote, “It was some time last year… I was young, and I don’t think I really knew all the kinds of love… but, I was sure I had one for Seifer. No matter how he treated me, I think I always loved him some way.”

He sounded so whimsical when he said that, all dreamy-like. It was like he was playing a happy little romance in his mind. You know what, journal? I think Zell still loves Seifer!

Selphie sighed a very heavy sigh. Yep, just as she remembered. Zell had seen something in Seifer since the first day he’d set eyes on him. And no matter how much teasing, bullying or ridicule, Seifer had won the boy’s love without even wanting it.

Even after that, when Seifer kept teasing him about hotdogs and making his life hell, then the war and all the bad stuff happening, and Zell went back to him. And a friendship blossomed and grew to outrageous proportions. Couple of big blooming pansies, those two were.

Selphie knew her instincts were right. Zell was in love with Seifer. Maybe he didn’t see it farther than their friendship went. But, it had been there before they were friends, long before. Why would it have left him now? No, it was just buried behind another love. A deep, caring love for a certain cowboy. Oh, her head hurt…

1. (insert Eoko’s rant on GF memory “loss” here)