Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Nobody Wants Me ❯ Nobody Wants Me ( One-Shot )

Title: Nobody Wants Me

Pairings: Well now, that's a secret… but if anybody has read my stuff before I'm sure you'll know who it is… and if you haven't…well… then you'll be surprised!
Warnings: ANGST!!! Kinda Dark, POV, Slight Sap, LEMON…

Disclaimer: Don't own them, don't sue me. My Immortal also does not belong to me, it belongs to Evanescence and who ever else owns them. So piss off.

Notes: This is dedicated to my RP group, I thought they deserved something for all the shit I put them through—hell! Just playing with me is torture…. So, you know who you are… I don't need to name you. I love you guys!

 

~blah/blah~ song… just because the fucking program won't italicize it….

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

~Nobody Wants Me~

 

I stand here, alone, staring out the window, into the dark rainy night sky, watching as the dark grey water falls, pelting the window and the side of the house. Watching as rivers of the fresh water washes away the old crumbling decay of land that surrounds this desolate place. It's haunting, the way the dark clouds are rolling in, surrounding, smothering everything in their path, taking over all that stand in their way….

 

Almost the same way the darkness within my heart threatens to consume my being, my entire soul….

 

~I'm so tired of being here,
Suppressed by all my childish fears…~

 

Sighing, I turn away from the depressing view of the outer world, pushing myself away from the cold window with what little strength I find that I have left. Making my way into the far back of the house where the cold bedroom lies, I slowly lower myself to the uncomfortable bed, sighing as I sit upon it gingerly, barely on the edge of the mattress.

 

I just sit there for a long while, staring at nothing, doing nothing, thinking nothing… just, being….

 

~And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave,~

Frowning, that thought only makes my mood even darker than it was before… just being is what has gotten me into so much trouble, what has made my life a living hell… what has made me miserable for as long as I can remember.

 

It never did bring me any happiness… nor anyone else….

 

~Your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone…~

 

Dropping my head in shame and regret, I can't help but fight the pain that comes with the knowledge that I caused so many people so much pain and sorrow. I've been the bearer of so many problems and so much suffering. I don't understand why they kept me around for as long as they did…. It only prolonged the suffering of us all……

 

That's why I left….

~These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real,
There's just too much that time cannot erase…~

 

Here in the shadows, my life gone and forgotten; this dying, decaying place is my home now—my world. The one I left behind, but a mere shadow of the past I hated with my every fiber… everyone hated.

 

 

I only caused trouble wherever I went, with whatever I said and did…. Nobody wanted me near, everyone always used me to run their own errands and take care of their own problems—just to keep me away, keep me occupied, while at the same time managing to control my life.

 

I was the puppet and they were the masters. I still feel that way… even here, far away in this desolate place, dead to the world…. I suppose that's why I was sent here—nobody would think or care about someone who was `dead'. Both myself and this dying land, alone, waiting for someone to come and find us again, to use us again and tear our hearts away, forcing us to bend to their will….

~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
And I held your hand through all of these years…~

I found that they liked it the most when I dealt with their personal problems—when I became their `problem-bearer' of emotions. Funny how they chose me out of everyone in that god-forsaken place, the one person who had the least amount of emotions and who expressed the smallest hint of compassion….

 

Hypocrites… all of them. I gave them everything and they turned their backs on me when I needed it just once…

 

Once was all I asked, once was all I needed—for them to listen, just hear me out… but that once was enough for them—too much, and they left me behind. They left me to bear my sorrows as well as theirs, by myself, never once looking back.

 

~But you still have all of me…~

 

Yet, they still control me…. They have my body, my heart… my soul…. They have it all. They used me… and I let them, I thought it was the only way I could get them to like me—by giving myself completely and utterly, even if it was the undoing of my sanity….

~You used to captivate me
By your resonating light…~

 

I remember when I trusted them once, all of them. Not a single one seemed guilty of the crimes they've committed over time… not a single stray mark on their names.

 

I gave my life for them—my happiness, my hopes and dreams....

 

My freedom.

 

I gave up everything…. Everything that meant something to me, everything I longed for, everything I strived to preserve through my sacrifices, but it wasn't enough and so they took what was most precious from me… and I was powerless to stop them.

~Now I'm bound by the life you left behind…~

 

Sighing once more, I stand from the bed to make my way back over to the window, but stop in the middle of the room, my eyes falling on a small picture—the only thing that graces the fireplace mantle. Now distracted by the small piece of furniture, I change my course and head over to the fireplace; once there I take the wooden picture frame up into my hands and bring the faded photo down from its height atop the mantle so I can better see the picture I know is inside.

 

Staring down at the glass-covered picture, I absently run my long fingers over it, almost reverently; long-forgotten memories seeping back into my abused mind—memories I would have sooner chose to forget than reminisce on here… now.

 

I trace my fingers over the faces in the picture, my thumb purposefully covering up my own face, not wanting to be reminded more of a past I never wanted.

 

One face in particular catches my attention, my finger continuously caressing that one spot on the glass, creating a smudge of oil from my skin.

 

I let my eyes study the features of the person there, staring back at me with that large smirk he always had. Short, blonde locks of hair falling into his face as he glances to the side, staring off at what, I cannot tell—his vibrant green eyes, so full of life and strength and fearlessness. I find myself wishing to see those eyes again, staring at me—mocking me, laughing at me, angry, happy, sad—it doesn't matter… as long as I can see them again…… but I know that will never be happening again—never….

~Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams,
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me.~

 

Frowning, I toss the picture onto the bed forcing myself back to my original intended destination. Once I make it to the window, I place my hand against it, watching as the heat of my body fogs up the glass around my hand, leaving the imprint of my long fingers when I move my hand down to the window sill. I sigh and lay my forehead against the cool glass, not caring if it will make my head hurt in a short while; I don't care about anything anymore… why should I?

 

All my life I cared—I cared too much. I cared for everyone and everything… and not a single soul cared back. I gave and they took and that was the way things were. It drained me—the taking, the giving… the endless need. And, like with any disease… it had its repercussions….

~These wounds won't seem to heal,
This pain is just too real…~

 

I became distant, lifeless, emotionless…

 

I had to in order to survive the constant torture, day in and day out. They took my emotions with them, tore my soul away with every worry, every `problem and regret'. I became an emotionless soldier, an empty shell of hate and disdain.

 

They hated it—they hated what I had become, yet, they had done this to me…. They were the ones who had forced me into the life I never wanted. They were the ones who took everything from me. They were the ones that wanted me to be this way and then, when I had finally become their perfect pet….

 

They hated me.

 

Now, as I sit here, staring out the foggy window into the dark, ominous skies, I wonder if I'll ever change… if I could ever feel again……

~There's just too much that time cannot erase.~

 

My past is dark, my life is bleak, and no one ever cared—they just made it worse…. I wonder sometimes, how I ever made it through all that I did—it seems impossible now, now that I look back upon my broken life.

 

I've given so much, I'd fought for something I thought I believed in, when in reality I was fighting for something they wanted…. I gave everything to them… why did they turn against me? Why did they force me… why?

~When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
And I held your hand through all of these years…
But you still have all of me…~

 

I keep telling myself there's nothing I can do… its over, it happened… and nothing can change that…. But something within me, some ridiculous shred of hope that miraculously still lingers within me, insists that something can be done, there is a place I can go to, there is someone who can help me….

 

But who…?

 

Looking to the door as I hear what sounds like shuffling on the patio, I force myself away from the window and slowly make my way through the short hall and to the front of the house, confused.

 

Who could be here now, why would they be here? Nobody knows I'm here except them… and they wouldn't `visit' me….

 

Opening the door quickly, I'm frozen to the spot when my eyes land on what—who had been making the noise….

 

“Seifer…?” Wide green eyes, grow even more at my voice roughly speaking his name—I haven't used it in so long, it's worn out and my throat muscles hurt, but I don't care… Seifer is here—he… he's not supposed to be….

 

He's dead.

~I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone,~

 

I had been told, after the war, that Seifer was lost in Time Compression and had most likely died. Nobody cared, and so they made sure I didn't either… but something at the back of my abused mind refused to give up and give in and somewhere, deep within me, I never gave up hope that he was really gone.

 

I believed it, yet at the same time I didn't… I was still alone, and no one cared—I was still used like some rag doll and then I was thrown away….

 

It was still hard to believe, even with him standing here before me, right in front of my very eyes.

~But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along…~

 

“Seifer… come in…” I found myself saying, reaching out to pull him inside, away from the wet and cold. He flinched at my touch, but let me drag him inside. I watched, eyeing him as he passed me, teeth chattering and hair—much longer now—matted to his face. Once vibrant eyes, dull with something only I could recognize and sympathize with.

 

I left the room to retrieve a few towels for Seifer to dry off with, handing them to him upon my return. I then moved back to the other room to make a fire, realizing, with a guest now, that it might be needed—especially with the condition in which this guest was in.

 

As I was kneeling in front of the fireplace, I heard the shuffling of footsteps and looked up in time to see Seifer drag himself into the small room, looking so completely defeated.

 

My heart sank at that. Never in my life had I ever dreamt of seeing this man before me look so… broken, so lost and lonely.

 

Standing, I moved before Seifer, hesitantly taking the now-wet towels from his still shaking hands. I stared up at him for a moment, taking in more of his distant features….

 

He's thin, very thin—his face drawn and his cheek bones quite distinctive now. I can tell by the way his cloths hang on him that he's lost a lot of weight as well, almost no muscle present any longer—not like the lean, firm, powerful body I used to see when we would train, so long ago. His hair is longer now, almost all of it hanging in his eyes, not just those few that would never stay where he wanted them to. It has lost its golden sheen as well, the brightness of it gone, with his spirit.

 

But the most heart-breaking part of him, are his eyes…. The brightness once present is completely gone. Now, dull, lifeless hollows stare back at me, where once, there used to be vibrant, shining gems, ready to take on the world…. What has happened to you Seifer…?

 

He raises one eyebrow at me, obviously I had been staring. I look away quickly and turn to dispose of the towels into the laundry basket, murmuring softly,

 

“There's a bathroom through this door here, if you'd like to take a shower…. I can try and find some clean clothes for you to wear—you might fit into mine now….” I stop, automatically, knowing those where the wrong words to say—I can just see the cringe now…. but Seifer moves past me without a word and into the bathroom anyhow, closing the door behind him as he enters.

 

Sighing, I go to look for a change of clothes for Seifer, laying them on the bed, then I move to the small kitchenette to make some dinner, knowing he must be starving by the looks of him… and I haven't eaten all day… though, I don't eat much at all anymore—it doesn't really matter.

 

I make up something quick but filling, making large portions for Seifer and enough for seconds just in case…. He's so thin……

 

Just as I finish placing all the food on the table—the dinner plates and silverware already being set before I started, Seifer comes in, dressed in the clothes I had laid out for him and a downcast expression on his face. I look him over noting with a mental sigh that my clothes do indeed fit him just right—he's lost too much weight….

 

I motion for him to sit—he does so reluctantly and I follow suit just after him. He stares at the food hungrily, but I can see him trying to fight it, trying not to look so desperate—it's so sad….

 

“Eat…” I say softly, urging him to fulfill his needs and end his present starving. Seifer blinks up at me, a little startled and stares, unsure if he should take the food or not—like he's afraid that I might take it from him of something. He must have gone through so much torment…. I try to smile and push the food before him, showing him that he can have it all and I wouldn't take any before him—he stares down at it in shock, then suddenly his hands and silverware are in it, thrusting it onto his plate and stuffing it down his mouth, eating like he hadn't had a bite for years.

 

I watch him, trying to hide my sorrowful expression—I can't believe this has happened to him—he's been reduced to a cowering, starving, lost man… like myself. It seems we're not alone anymore—we both have the same pasts and names, running from something that bound us to our supposed duties and painful lives. Maybe he'll stay with me… then we wouldn't be alone anymore.

 

Throughout dinner, I take a few bites of what's left of the meal here and there, not really very hungry, as usual. Seifer finally seems to be slowing down, though he still putting as much as he can into his body to make up for lost time; absently it occurs to me that we'll both be regretting that later, but right now I just want him to know he's welcome here and can have whatever he needs… he doesn't need to run any longer.

 

He doesn't say anything as he sits back in his chair, finally satisfied with the amount of food he's taken into his body. I continue to watch him, the dullness to his body slightly lifted, he holds himself a little better now—amazing what a full meal can do to a man.

 

I sigh and get up to clear off the table, taking the dirty dishes to the kitchen sink to be washed. Before I can turn around to fetch the rest of the dishes, I feel a presence near me and then I see Seifer lean forward, over my shoulder, placing the rest of the dishes on the counter. I'm frozen in place, unsure of what to do—I haven't had anybody this close to me in such a long while… and the fact that it's Seifer makes it all the more intriguing.

 

I murmur a soft `Thank you' and take the dishes from him, but he doesn't leave my side, only steps back slightly, so that I still have room to move. I glance back over my shoulder, wondering what he could possibly be thinking and doing…. I try not to make myself so noticeably tense and slowly start to wash the dishes off, emptying all the scraps off our plates and into the disposal. Seifer continues to stand there, watching me, so close to me…. It's almost unnerving, yet at the same time, soothing—I haven't had anyone that I could trust, near me since before the war had started… it's a nice feeling.

 

I finish up the dishes quickly, not wanting to wash them tonight, since `company' is over. Turning, I wait for Seifer, who had stayed by my side the entire time, to move so that we could go back into the living room where the fire is. He does so reluctantly, but follows closely, almost bumping into me when I stop at the small fireplace to fill it with more wood.

 

I walk over to the bed and grab the comforter off of it to lay it on the floor before the glowing embers and flames of the fire so we can sit there and stay warm. Once I have the quilt suitably positioned to my liking, I motion for Seifer to join me and he does so much faster than he had when we ate dinner.

 

He sits almost too close to me, as if I'll leave him if he doesn't get closer… but I make no move to scoot further away, I know he must need me here now… my presence beside him—to comfort him. We sit before the fire for a long while, just staring at the glowing flames, flicking at the mouth of the fireplace, wanting to escape, but can go no further than its cage lets.

 

Suddenly I hear Seifer move and his body is pressed to my back. I tense and sit as still as possible, not knowing what to do.

 

I feel him touching me then, his hands on me. His eyes mapping me out…. and finally, his lips…. Upon my shoulders—back, my neck, my hair…… then suddenly my lips. I'm forced down onto my back and Seifer is atop me, touching me, holding me, kissing me. I push my hands against his chest and easily force him off of me, sitting up as he still straddles my waist. I stare up at him in shock, my breathing ragged and my face flushed… I never expected this.... but for some reason… I want it.

 

I can see the concern in his eyes now, the fear and worry that I'll push him away even further—possibly kick him out, back into the rain once more. I don't want him to leave, I want him to stay here, with me—together.

 

I lean forward and lightly brush my lips across his exposed chest, hesitantly running my fingertips up and down his broad, boney shoulders and less-muscular arms, sending shivers down his spine. Once again I feel him become an active participant as he wraps his arms around me and lays us back down onto the comforter, his lips meeting mine in a passionate, starved dance of want and need and unfulfilled happiness.

 

 

Soon both of us are laid out before the other, our clothes scattered about us and the imperfection of our bodies exposed to the other's eyes. It hurts to think of the way we once looked and now, how we look nothing more than starved beggars… but Seifer still is beautiful—graceful, and that hidden power still lingers there, waiting to make itself known once again…. I run my shaking hands down his body, touching, exploring, memorizing for the future—showing him my desire and need and the trust I feel I for him.

 

I think he knows… a sad smile forms on his lips and he leans down to kiss me again, lowering his body close to mine, and I feel him lift my hips up, onto his thighs… and I know… he's ready, as much I….

 

I throw my head back in a silent scream, gripping his shoulders and digging my nails into his flesh as he enters me in one solid thrust—no preparation, nothing to soften the pain… but knowing its Seifer… it feels right and the intense pain mingles with a trickle of pleasure, I'm sure will build to more.

 

His thrusts are shallow and slow at first—he seems unsure of how to do this, as if he's never slept with another… but I know that isn't true—it's just been too long. As I predicted, the pain slowly melts away to be combined with the most wonderful sensations of pleasure… his body sliding against mine and his thick member inside of me—it feels wonderful….

 

I've never felt like this before, I've never felt so wanted… so loved as I do now, with Seifer here, as part of me….

 

His kisses become more fierce and forceful and his thrusts more desperate suddenly, rocking me back as he pounds into me… and I know he's close, as am I…. I feel his hand take my aching member and pump it in time with his thrusts, a strangled sob escapes my throat and I toss my head back, trying to thrust down onto his cock and push up into his hand at the same time, needing the touch, the passion—Him….

 

Suddenly the overwhelming sensations of ecstasy overtakes me and I feel myself fall down into the void of pleasure and despair, not wanting it to end so quickly—afraid of the aftermath when this is all over…. I feel Seifer follow me soon after, releasing his warm seed inside my greedy body and I take it without question or complaint, craving it—needing it within me.

 

He collapses atop me once he is spent, and I welcome the slight weight of his body, wrapping my arms around his back and I start to rub it soothingly, as both of us are still breathing hard and trembling from the after-shocks of pleasure. Seifer tenses and moves to leave me, and I whimper as he removes himself from my body. I watch him intensely, waiting for him to leave, or get away from me or do something; I don't want him to leave me, I don't want to be left alone again, not after finding him once more…. But, if he wishes to leave… then so be it… I won't stop him…. His happiness has been the only thing I've ever cared about—the others didn't matter, only him……

 

I'm surprised when I feel him gently push me onto my side as he lays behind me, wrapping his body around mine as best he can and then the blanket is atop us. I lay there as still as I can, a frown marring my features—I'm confused, I thought he was going to leave…. Then, finally, after the all the time he's been here, he speaks…

 

“Don't think I'm one of those heartless assholes Squally… we're the same… remember…? I'd never leave you again…… I'm sorry.” I feel tears prick the edges of my eyes and I can't fight the flow of emotions that overwhelm me. Taking one of his larger hands in my smaller appendage, I bring it to my mouth, brushing my lips across it gently, reverently, showing him I'm there as well, that I never wanted him to leave…

 

~When you'd cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,
And I held your hand through all of these years…~

To feel alive, to know that we're here, now—together… it's what I have always wanted… even if I would have denied it long before this… I knew, deep inside—it was true. I love Seifer, always have… and when I was told that he had died, the only piece left alive within me died with him—with the knowledge that I had lost the only thing worth living for.

 

Now he's here, with me—we've found each other again… and perhaps one day, we can become part of the world again… but for now, we will go on living and grow strong, and proud and brilliant once more… together.

 

“I love you, Seifer…” I say softly, sleepily, not really knowing whether he heard me or not… but the tensing of his body tells me he did and he nuzzles the back of my neck affectionately. I don't expect an answer from him, I know he cares—loves me as much as I do him… that's all that matters.

 

“…Love you too… Squall….” I smile and close my eyes—perhaps things can change… we certainly have….

~But you still have all of me…
Me, me .......~

 

~owari~