Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Penetrate ❯ Penetrate ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer: Don't own, don't sue.

AN/ Warnings: YAOI (Zell x Nida). Course language, lemony goodness.

Genre(s): Angst, romance, lemon.

Setting: Disc Two, concert night, Fisherman's Horizon.

Additional AN: Lemon practice. ^ - ~ (It has a plot, really!) It's not that good, but it'll do. Think back to the conversation Squall has with Rinoa during the concert when you choose to play the slow song.

Penetrate

Tell me, is it wrong? I want to touch you.

Deeper and deeper into you.

(Sweet whisper.)

I want to vanish into the foam in the tantalizing orange light....

-Mina Soko Ni Nemure [Lyrics are the intellectual property of their respective owners.]

Zell slowly ran his hands along the electric guitar, feeling his fingers slide into home. He'd taken a few lessons as a kid, and even if he didn't remember, his hands still did as he practiced the soft melody for the umpteenth time that day. When it came down to Selphie and romantic complications, things had to go like a storybook.

She'd worked them constantly since the morning, finding something wrong with the smallest things, telling them to it again, then again and again. Even Irvine was becoming more than a tad bit peeved with the self-proclaimed matchmaker, grumbling darkly as he sat hunched over the piano, plunking keys while a cigarette dangled off his lip. Quistis wasn't in much better shape, her lips dry and chapped, fingers aching from ceaselessly prodding at the saxophone. Hell, even his own hands were starting to hurt. He wondered how Selphie was holding up, plucking away at a base guitar that almost matched her sunny yellow jumper.

Sighing, Zell played through the melody once again. It wasn't like he didn't want to help out Selphie. Hell, after all, the girl's home had just been blown to shit, and after all that had happened, she deserved a break; they all did. Selphie may have been hyper, and a bit unmanageable at times, but she was professional, a ruthless bitch in battle, and one of the most loyal people Zell had ever befriended.

It was the reason that bothered him.

Selphie may have just watched her home go up in smoke, had faced a giant metal arachnid, and had nearly become a bloody stain on more than one occasion, but when it came to things like romance, she was a complete innocent. To her, everything had to be perfect, everything had to be like that storybook. The handsome knight (i.e. Squall) was supposed to end up with his fair princess (i.e. Rinoa).

And that's where things started to get complicated.

Zell wasn't sure what he was supposed to feel for Rinoa. He got along with her just great, both of them being sunny, happy people (and her being a lot less hyperactive than Selphie) And yet she did something that he hadn't been able to do, although he'd tried harder. She'd gotten under Squall Leonheart's skin.

Of course Squall would never admit it, but it was obvious to everyone else. There were subtle differences in his behavior, his movements, his cold steely eyes seemed filled with a warmth that hadn't been there before he'd met Rinoa.

Biting his lip, Zell brought his hand down on the guitar too fast, causing Selphie to frown and pout, who was busy on her own guitar. He remembered the first time he'd seen any kind of emotion distort Squall's stony appearance, the first time his icy walls had been shattered. It had been just a few days ago, at the D-District Prison out in the desert.

Despite himself, Zell allowed the corners of his lips to curl upward faintly, remembering the embarrassing position he'd thrown himself into, arms wrapped around Squall's middle, face buried in his warm stomach, desperately trying to hold back tears of happiness or sorrow or both..

Squall had come back.

People sure did strange things when they thought they were going to die.

He still remembered the shriek of gunfire, the wind brushing his neck as bullets whizzed passed. He dropped to the ground beside Squall, hands covering his head, trying and failing to suppress his all too out of place grin. He'd come back. For him. Crouched there on the ground, beside Squall, bullets flying in all directions, Selphie and Quistis worming their way over to them, no possible way of escape-- He'd never been happier.

Unfortunately, his moment of euphoria had been too short lived.

Luckily, Irvine had shown up, saving all their sorry asses from becoming compost humus, and had brought Rinoa with him. At first Zell had smiled, he remembered smiling, laughing to let the tension out as Irvine tumbled down the stairs, Rinoa bouncing down after him. He had smiled, but that was until he noticed who else was smiling.

Squall. Plain as day, a small curve of his sensuous lips, something so slight only a select few would even register it as a smile. But it was there, the most beautiful thing Zell had ever seen-- and it was directed at Rinoa. Squall didn't make a move for her, he didn't reach out to her or hug her, but he'd fucking smiled. Something Squall Leonheart just didn't do.

But he had, hadn't he?

With a shaky sigh, Zell strummed away at the guitar, his mind denying the inevitable, that night would soon fall, crushing his hopes of ever being able to tell Squall the hidden things locked inside his heart.

"Show time, Cowboy," Irvine announced, his Southern twang slowing his words into a stereotypical drawl. He slapped Zell on the back, tearing the boy from his thoughts. Zell nodded, mouth set into a grime line, marching out onto the stage, shaking slightly, as though he were a criminal walking the last mile to his execution. Irvine frowned, wondering what was up. Admittedly, he hadn't known the short blonde for very long, but from what he'd seen and heard, it just wasn't like Zell to be so sad and morose. He suddenly looked fragile, pulling the guitar strap over his head and tuning the instrument, looking like he might break down and cry any minute.

"Let's go, pardner," Selphie said, mimicking Irvine's accent. Deciding that Zell could handle his own problems, Irvine turned around to face the brunette, who (despite all the rigorous practicing during the day) was still fresh and perky as ever. Irvine grinned, flipping his long auburn ponytail over his shoulder, violet eyes lighting up.

"After you, kitty cat."

Willing himself not to look and not to cry, Zell closed his eyes, instead trying to concentrate on the melody, not Rinoa's bubbly laughter or the muted conversation she was having with Squall that drifted up from below the stage. His throat had locked up a long time ago, his jaw tight from the strain. His foot tapped impatiently on the immaculate white of the stage, the heat from the lights making him sweat, his stomach churning in emotional turmoil.

Although he new it was a mistake, Zell opened his eyes, finding that Squall and Rinoa were now down onto a mirrored platform, and that Rinoa was closer, unbearably closer to the leather clad brunet. Feeling as though someone had just punched him in the gut, Zell's hands faltered on his guitar, the resulting discord causing Irvine to peer over his shoulder.

"Zell, the fuck are you doin'?" the pseudo-cowboy hissed, the others struggling to cover up all the mistakes Zell was making.

He tried to remember the tune, but all he could hear was the thunder of his heartbeat pounding in his ears, seeing but not seeing as Squall smiled again, brushing a lock of dark hair behind one of Rinoa's ears, gently, so gently, time slowing to a crawl. He was sweaty and cold and shivering, lost in screaming emotions, downing in fear and anger and hurt, feeling betrayed and stupid, his stomach twisting in painful knots, eyes stinging, and he couldn't breath anymore because there was no air--

--and the sudden sob that escaped his lips didn't even begin to touch the loneliness and grief he felt.

I'm so sorry, Selphie. Please, please forgive me...

And with out warning, Zell threw down his guitar, Irvine and the girls staring at him in bewilderment as racking sobs overtook him, and he was sprinting from the stage, hiding his face, rubbing at puffy eyes, running blindly from everything, not caring as long as he could just get away from there, from it all. Willing it all away, wishing to Hyne that Squall wouldn't see--

Don't, please.

..........I would be so ashamed.

He was weak and tired, suddenly feeling so small and young, choking on pain and despair of which he couldn't describe. It was over; he'd lost Squall. It was a foolish thought anyway, he'd never had Squall to begin with. But there had always been a sliver of hope, but now he didn't even have that anymore, and the only thing he wanted to do now was to bury himself in his bed and never see the light of day again.

Selphie would ask questions, he was sure of it. Questions he didn't want to answer. Things he didn't want to admit.

He had his arms wrapped around himself, he'd stopped running some time ago and was stumbling along, tears running down wet cheeks, and he suddenly didn't care anymore, it was over and there was nothing he could do. Part of him was slowly growing numb as denial set in, although the painful images were still burning in his mind, which was just a hazy mass of painful emotions anymore, running a comatose mantra.

Squall's gone, I lost Squall, he's in love with Rinoa, I lost him, she won, he loves her, I'm so fucking stupid...

He looked up, rubbing salt water from his eyes, trying to get his bearings and suddenly realizing that he'd ended up in Garden, and leaning over the fountain next to a large stone spout in the shape of a giant fish, Zell felt as though he was going to be sick. He was breathing in strained gasps, his muscles tight and sore from the emotional trauma of the night, and staring at his rippling reflection in the water, Zell realized in wasn't anyone he knew. He was lost again, trembling in a sea of pain and guilt, self loathing wrapping burning tendrils around his throat, and for one brief dark moment, suicide didn't sound all that bad.

But it passed, leaving Zell feeling even more foolish and stupid than before, knowing that whatever he'd dug himself into, he would have to get out of it, no matter how painful or humiliating. Ma Dincht hadn't raised a coward.

Wrapping his arms around himself again, Zell sat on the edge of the fountain, leaning against the spout, his breathing slowing, the tears long gone. In a way, his outburst had been beneficial, he now felt lighter, not better, but more able to cope.

He was staring at his jeans for a long time until he realized there was someone standing near him.

It was an Asian boy, with dark shaggy hair framing an effeminate face, dark almond-shaped eyes set into porcelain skin. He was dressed casually, in an old Balamb Garden issue t-shirt and ragged jeans that were looking worse for wear, held together in some places with safety pins. He could only described as pretty, not handsome or cute. Pretty was the only thing that seemed to fit.

"Did you have to much to drink at the party? Are you going to be sick?" he asked, his voice soft, musical, and somehow soothing.

Zell closed his eyes, struggling to think in the befuddled state his mind was in. Party? Oh, yeah. There was a party in the quad, for SeeDs and faculty and trainees alike, a small celebration to boost moral among the students.

Zell shook his head, looking away, hoping he'd get the hint and leave him be.

"You're Zell, right? Zell Dincht? I'm Nida. We made SeeD together. Probably don't remember me, huh?" the boy looked hopefully at Zell for any kind of acknowledgment, scratching the back of his head and blushing in embarrassment when Zell did not respond.

Nida sat down across from Zell, hands folded in his lap, staring intently at the blonde, concern written on his face. He blinked, frowning slightly. "Ha-have you been.....crying?" he asked slowly, as if he were afraid to. Zell snorted, willing himself to disappear.

"Anything I can help with?" Nida pressed the matter further, eyes filled with empathy.

"No," Zell whispered in a dead voice, finally addressing the brunet. "S'okay. Nothing you can do to help."

Zell sighed, dropping one arm into his lap, head hung in defeat. The screaming agony of before was gone, replaced by a dull, throbbing pain that pulsated thickly behind his eyes. He about to take his leave and go to his room where he could hang himself in peace when he realized that Nida was holding his hand. He stared up into the Asian boy's soft chocolate eyes, for the first time really seeing the compassion in their depths, and something made him want to stay.

"Bet you I could," Nida whispered hoarsely, a flash of red working its way up his cheek. Both were aware of the implications.

Nida swallowed once, as if gathering up his courage, before rasing one hand up to Zell's face, gently stroking a tear-stained cheek. Finally growing bold enough, leaned towards the blonde, letting his lips settle over Zell's. The blonde gave up almost immediately, the emotional battering finally breaking down his defenses, and with a sigh, he let Nida explore his mouth.

This is what he needed. This is what he wanted. Love. Compassion. Warmth.

Zell wrapped his arms around Nida, kissing him back, feeling the Asian boy wind his hands into his blonde mop. Breathing became an option, and then a nuisance when both had to come up for air. Nida stared at him with lust-fogged eyes, lips swollen from the force of the kiss, and Zell knew what was about to happen.

Nida leaned in again, lips brushing Zell's ear. "Let's get out of here, huh?"

"Yes," Zell responded in a voice alien to his own ears.

Zell stumbled backward in the darkness, fingers fumbling with the zipper on Nida's jeans, knowing that it was wrong but not caring, knowing that he needed someone, now, and that Nida was ready and willing.

The two of them stumbled over the various objects scattered on Zell's floor; a pair of weights, a few books, a Godzilla action figure-- he'd lost his jacket at some point but didn't care, feeling the edge of the bed against the back of his knees and falling down onto the mattress, pulling Nida down on top of him.

The other boy moaned, struggling with Zell's shirt, both of them fumbling toward ecstasy for the first time, not sure what to do but getting there just the same. It was somehow sweet in its purity, although the situation had been born from despair and desperation, it was accident in the making, Zell was sure of it, but he didn't care, feeling loved in Nida's arms, wanted, and all the emotions that he need so desperately at that moment.

A blissful sigh escaped Zell's lips as their lovemaking slowed down, it wasn't rushed or frenzied teen hormones anymore, it was something else, something like innocence, sweet and unstrained. Hands roamed previously untouched contours, Zell realizing that both of them had somehow been completely disrobed, bare skin teasing bare skin. Nida wriggled above him, outlined by the silver light of the moon, head thrown back, little noises of pleasure escaping his throat.

Ignoring the raucous, unladylike chants of "Way to go!" and "Put it away!" coming from Shiva and Carbunkle, Zell ran his hands over Nida's chest, teasing stiff nipples, causing him to moan, arching his back, pressing against Zell, eyes closed in rapture. In the stark moonlight, Nida appeared more masculine, soft elfin features giving way to a firmer, boyish profile. Nida threw his head back, groans rumbling from his throat, dark hair falling over his face.

He looked like Squall.

Zell shrugged the thought off before it could take root, focusing on Nida, not on some stupid impossible wish that had been shattered nearly an hour previous. It was Nida, not Squall, and it wouldn't be fair to either of them to continue dreaming.

As if sensing his thoughts, the Asian boy opened his eyes, staring down at Zell through heavy lashes, a small sympathetic smile forming on his elfin face. He reached out, lightly caressing Zell's face, thumb stroking a previously tear-stained cheek.

"It's okay," he whispered softly in the darkness, voice slightly harsh. "I don't mind.... if you think of him."

There was a bittersweet and heavy tone to the boy's voice that screamed in painful sobs that he indeed, did mind. Before the blonde could reply, Nida's hand continued a journey down Zell's neck, moving softly over his chest, fingertips lightly grazing steel under silk. Looking further down, the Asian boy smirked.

"You're a red-head?" he asked lightly, raising an eyebrow, fingers curling in a patch of fire-red hair.

Zell blushed, swallowing thickly as Nida's hand continued unpracticed torture on his body. "Yeah," was all he could think to say, hips rolling smoothly with the Asian's movements.

Nida paused for a moment, eliciting a frustrated sob from Zell. Leaning over the so-called "blonde" the same sweet smile returned to his face. "You shouldn't dye your hair," he breathed against Zell's lips, who could only whimper in response as Nida closed the whisper of a gap between them, pressing his lips to Zell's, in a small, chaste kiss.

But the rest of the night wouldn't be so kind.

Zell was painfully aware of Nida's warmth above him, of the feelings of betrayal and guilt and rejection stabbing at his chest, of the aching misery and loneliness crowded in the back of his mind.

It was as if he was somewhere above his body, above Nida, watching it happen, like feeling every sensation through a thick, fuzzy blanket in a disjointed dreamy haze. Watching as Nida impaled himself on his own lotion-covered cock. The movements that followed. Limbs lingering over damp skin. Fingers tangling in dark hair. Moans whispering softly in the darkness.

Suddenly aware again, brought back down into his body, hips moving in synch with Nida, hands running over the Asian's skin, staring in detached fascination as Nida whimpered above him, sweat-soaked hair sticking to his face, a single tear running down his face as he whispered the same thing over and over underneath a heavy breath.

"Y-you can s-uuggh....say his name, if you want. If it m-makes you happy, uunnnn.....y-you can say......"

Zell swallowed and allowed his eyes to slide shut, mind conjuring a picture Squall, beautiful and sweaty and screaming his name above him. The boy smiled, reaching out to touch a porcelain white cheek, Squall turning his face into the caress. Zell snapped his hips up, into Squall's--

--Nida's--

--body, hands working faster on his length.

"Squall......"

Hands were running over his chest, fingernails digging into hard muscle, sweat-drenched hair plastered flat Warmth was covering him, and for a moment things were okay.

"Squall......"

Squall stared down at him, pearl grey eyes hazy in lust, perfect skin flushed. His dark hair tickled Zell's neck as he pressed his body closer him, back arched and arms wrapped around his neck as he whispered three tiny words into Zell's ear that marked his release.

Zell continued to pump his hips, working towards his own peak, Squall dazed above him, face buried in his neck and bleached-blonde hair.

"Squ--"

Zell closed his eyes, the illusion dying away, a bittersweet tear trickling down his face. "Sq-Squall........"

White danced in front of Zell's eyes, releasing deep inside the warm body above him, and darkness rushed to claim his mind as he tumbled down from the highest perch.

"Nida....."

He was suddenly awake again, embarrassed to discover that at some point he'd passed out, perhaps for only a minute or two. Blue eyes adjusted to the darkness of his room, focusing on an angelic and elfin face above him. Nida smiled back, dressed again, silently tucking thick blankets around Zell's shoulders.

"You were shivering," Nida clarified for him, Zell sleepily nodded, whispering a thank you.

Nida swallowed, feeling awkward, wanting to say something but not knowing what, watching as Zell struggled to stay awake, lashes dropping and fluttering open again. He blinked, settling for a chaste kiss on Zell's tattooed cheek, lips burning slightly, the warmth running shudders down his spine.

"Sorry," Zell whispered harshly, so quietly that Nida was not sure he had heard it at all. He gave one last, tiny smile, eyes stinging, and made his way towards the door. Closing it silently behind him, Nida slumped against the door, finally letting the tears come, wondering how he could have been so fucking stupid.

Always.....

Zell was left alone in darkness, with memory of Nida's whispered confession.

"Love you.... Zell."

Zell let out a shaky sigh, turning over to bury his face in his pillow.

And it wasn't any easier to breath.

Okay, so it's kind of rushed and a tad melodramatic, but it's not terrible.......right? Uh, right?

By the way, the "Way to go!" and "Put it away!" chants coming from Shiva and Carbuckle are in honor of Missie's wonderful Gundam Wing fic, The Cathach. I highly recommend it to anyone, even if you're not a Gundam fan..