Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections ❯ One-Shot
[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Rain Camui 
Seifer x Squall. Yaoi. Seifer reflects on his relationship with Squall. . .
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 02.25.2003 | Pages: 5 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 966 | Status: Completed
Seifer x Squall. Yaoi. Seifer reflects on his relationship with Squall. . .
Non Anime: Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Romance / Angst | Type: Songfic | Uploaded On: 02.25.2003 | Pages: 5 | Words: 5.5K | Visits: 966 | Status: Completed
Disclaimer: Not mine. . . anyone want to give them to me?
Warnings: Shounen Ai, Angst, Language, Songfic, OOC, POV
Rating: R
Pairing: Seifer x Squall
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: Sure, if you want it. Just e-mail me: rain@silent-desire.com
- http://www.silent-desire.com
Summary: Seifer thinks about his relationship with Squall. . .
AN: The song, "Reflections" is by a band called, "Home Grown".
~~ooO@Ooo~~
Reflections:
~ Reflecting on what we once shared, now I know how much you really cared ~
One year has passed since Squall and I had broken up. It's funny how I always assumed he would be there; once I knew he loved me, there was no reason for me to think that he'd leave. How could he leave when his heart belonged to me?
It was because of that attitude that caused me to lose him.
In the beginning our relationship was great. I would head to Squall's office as soon as my class finished - Headmaster Cid allowed me to return to Garden - and I would fuck Squall on his desk like there was no tomorrow. He was always so willing - so _submissive_ towards me; he'd give me anything I desired. There was nothing that Squall wouldn't do for me. I remember coming back to our shared dorm room after the field exam. Squall had been waiting on the bed with massage oils and a black-silk robe that left nothing for the imagination. Since I was 'dating' the Commander, I found out my test results through him. And as a reward for finally becoming a SeeD, Squall treated me to one of the best massages I'd ever had.
There were also little things that he would do for me. On more than one occasion, after coming home from a grueling mission, Squall would climb out of bed, despite how tired he was, and run me a hot bath and then cook me something to eat. I never realized how tired he was from running the Garden at the time, but he would do those simple things for me, just because he cared about me. And you know what? I never thanked him for it.
There were also incidents where we would get into a fight and I would grow enraged because of his lack of reaction. In my haze of anger, I never noticed the hurt that I would bring Squall. It took me one year to figure out _why_ there was no reaction from Squall. On the night before Squall left me, I had returned from the Training Center energized and sweaty. All I could think about was heading into the bathroom, taking a hot shower, and then fucking him until he couldn't walk the following morning. But when I entered our room and discovered that the shower was still broken - I had told him earlier that morning to fix it - I snapped at him.
"I told you to fix the fucking shower, Squall!"
Squall had sat up from the bed, half-asleep, and he had had the audacity to look confused.
"Shit, I'm fucking stink and sweaty," I growled, "You know I have a mission tomorrow. Hyne knows when I'll be able to have another shower." Squall had opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off before any sound could come out, "This isn't the first time you've done something like this. Do you remember when you forgot to wash my SeeD Uniform? Or the time when my bootlaces broke and I asked you to buy me new ones, but you didn't? Fuck. All you're good for is a pounding headache."
I never noticed it until now, but Squall's eyes had glazed over in a look of deep hurt. At the time, however, I had misjudged it for anger.
"What? You can't handle the truth, _Commander_?" I sneered at him and took a step closer to him. "The only thing you're good for is a nice fuck. You're cooking tastes like shit, and your massages cause more damage."
Looking back on it now, I don't know why I was so pissed off. I had thought that Squall had just been ignoring me, since his face seemed to be devoid of emotion. That only served to piss me off even more, though I know now that Squall had been fighting back tears. If I had paid more attention to him back then, I think I would've noticed that when he turned his head away from me, it was to block my view of the tears filling his eyes. Instead, I thought he had chosen to ignore me.
"Get the fuck out, Squall. I don't want to see your fucking face again."
I had felt satisfied when Squall stood from the bed and rushed out of the room. I never thought that that would be the last time I saw him. He had left with his head bowed and his hands clenched to his sides. I had thought he was clenching his fists in anger. I never thought that he was trembling from hurt, or that he had left looking more like a wounded puppy with its tail between its legs.
When I re-entered the bathroom to grab my shampoo and soap, deciding on showering in someone else's room, I noticed a small note that had been taped to the toilet-cover:
The repairman is on vacation, so I called someone in Balamb to fix it. They'll be here tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry. I know you have a mission tomorrow.
I asked Quistis if it would be alright for you to use her shower. She said it's ok, but only this once.
~ Squall
I felt like an ass after reading Squall's note, but I had too much pride to go hunt him down and apologize. I figured I would see him the following morning before I left, but he never showed up.
I deserved that.
~ You cared for me ~
Out of all the fights that Squall and I had, not once had he blown up on me like I did. It was funny how after we got together romantically, Squall became an almost docile creature. He never disagreed with anything that I said. He loved me enough to put my needs before his. It didn't matter whether or not he had something to do, he'd stop everything and do it for me. Squall cared for me enough to do that.
Every night, Squall would whisper, "I love you" in my ear. I'd always grunt in response, never saying the words back to him. I figured he knew. Why else would I stay with him for two years? And why would he stick around if he thought I didn't love him? It was stupid on my part to think that. Squall fought tooth and nail for any type of affection from me. Even though he spent most of his life trying to take care of himself, as soon as I ripped down that barrier, he let himself go, allowing me to get close to his heart. Rinoa once told me that I held Squall's heart within my hands; one gentle squeeze and I could crush it.
She was right.
Squall loved me with every fiber of his being. I was just too stupid to realize it. He used to crawl into my arms every night, trying to snuggle close, but on more than one occasion, I pushed him away. I hated feeling trapped while I was asleep, so I used to turn my back on him and ignore him. Not once did he complain, but on the rare occasion that I _did_ hold him, he'd purr like a kitten and nuzzle his cheek against my chest.
I remember once, he asked me if I would ever leave him. Instead of answering his question, I asked, "Would you leave me?" His reply had been, "Only if you asked me to. . ."
His love ran so deep he overlooked everything about me.
I should have known then that Squall wasn't the type of person to give his heart easily, but when he did it meant that it belonged to that person forever. I wish I could think that it was Squall's stupidity for giving his heart to someone like me, but I know that stupidity is something Squall doesn't have. Naivety, perhaps. I don't know what I did to make him love me, but at least I can say that I experienced love. At least I can say I had been given love.
~ I never did appreciate the sacrifices that you made - you made for our love ~
Love wasn't the only thing that Squall had given me. He sacrificed _everything_ in order to be with me. When you're known around the world as the guy who tried to destroy Earth, people don't think too highly of you. Squall caught shit left and right for being with me. How could a world hero date the enemy?
Squall never let that bother him, though. In the beginning, I told him that we should keep our relationship a secret. He had immediately shaken his head, saying, "I have no reason to hide you." Those words meant more to me than I let him know. In fact, I never let him know. How many times did he have to defend himself from ignorant people? He never told me when people would pester him. I always found out through Rinoa, one of the few people who still spoke to me.
"Seifer," Rinoa had approached me during lunch one afternoon looking disturbed, "Have you seen Squall?"
"No. Why?"
Rinoa had crossed her arms over her chest, worried. "Selphie told me he was being harassed again."
I frowned and told her that I would find him.
When I did, he had locked himself in our bathroom, refusing to come out. It took a few minutes for the bathroom door to finally open, and when Squall stepped out, he refused to tell me what had been said to him. I never bothered to pursue the issue, even though I knew I should've.
Eventually, I had found out what was being said to Squall. About a year after Squall and I had been together, I stumbled across Squall and a group of guys in the Quad. No one had seen me enter, so I hid behind one of the many plants, listening.
"Hey look, guys! It's our cock-sucking Commander," said one of the assholes.
"Heh-Heh. You're still taking it up the ass from that fucking Sorceress' Knight?" said another.
"You're a fucking traitor, Leonhart," said the last of them. "Are you sucking the Headmasters cock, too? Is that why your traitorous ass is still Commander?"
Squall had said nothing as he glared at the three guys.
"Fucking slut," the first one spat, "Get your queer ass out of Garden. You don't fucking belong here."
"Yeah. You and your ass-fucking Knight," the second agreed.
"Awww, is the Commander going to cry now?" said the third guy in a child's voice.
At the same time I emerged from my hiding place behind the plants, Squall's fist connected with the third guys jawbone. He flew back several feet, landing on the ground with a hard 'thud'. The other two guys eyes widened in fear when they saw me stand behind Squall, enraged. They 'eeped' and ran out of the Quad yelling, "I'm reporting you to the Headmaster!" behind their shoulder. Squall had snorted in disgust and turned to face me, surprised.
"Seifer," he said with his storm-colored eyes filled with shock.
I hadn't said anything.
I never thanked him for putting up with that crap.
Squall had to apologize to the three guys on Headmaster Cid's orders. According to Cid, Squall needed to set an example towards the under-classmen, and punching someone for talking shit wasn't appropriate.
That wasn't the only thing, though. Aside from the little things that Squall would do for me, like massaging my back and running me a hot bath, there were moments when he tried his hardest to cheer me up. As much as I hated to admit it, I still had nightmares about being under Ultimecia's control. I used to wake up late at night, trembling and covered in cold sweat. Squall would attempt to engage me in conversation, but when he realized that I would never talk about it, he'd offer his body to me, trying to bring me pleasure rather than pain.
Another thing I never thanked him for.
Instead of thanking him, I used to just take what he offered; unaware of the way I treated him. I used to wonder why Squall would sometimes gaze at me with sad eyes. For a few months before he left, his storm-colored eyes always looked like they were on the verge of tears. I never asked him what was wrong. I remember a time when I used to; it stopped after a short period. Even though his eyes always looked glassy, he would offer me a small smile - a smile reserved for only me - and would kiss my cheek, saying, "Have a nice day." I never noticed the trembling in his voice, or the way he would clutch my shoulders, as if afraid that I would disappear.
I never knew that he was unsure of my love.
Once an idiot, always an idiot.
~ I know that you deserve more than I could ever offer, but I can't change who I am ~
Even after all the things that I've done - all the things that I didn't appreciate - I still wanted the chance to get Squall back. I know that he deserves better than me, but still. . . I want the chance to make it up to him - which is why I have been trying to track him down. I've been looking for Squall for the past six months, but hadn't been given any luck until now. With the help of Rinoa and the others, we managed to find invaluable information about a man who looked like Squall in FH. Three days later, I found myself wandering around FH, hunting down the one that meant most to me in the world.
"Have you seen this guy wandering around this place?" I grabbed a man who was walking by and shoved a picture of Squall in his face. At first, he trembled and looked up at me with frightened eyes. Then he looked at the picture and studied it for several moments.
"Well?" I demanded as I shoved my gunblade against his neck. "Have you?"
Rinoa and the others had informed me that FH was a pacifist town and bringing Hyperion wouldn't be a good idea. Of course, I was never one to follow rules, so I ignored their 'no fighting' policy and used my gunblade towards my advantage.
"Y-Yes," the man finally gasped in fear.
"Where?" I growled, narrowing my eyes.
"N-Near the train tracks," he said as he lifted a shaking hand and pointed in the direction behind me, "Right between the Mayor's house and the Town Center. He lives there."
I released the man and he took off at a run, clearly frightened. I allowed myself a humorless chuckle, then preceded down the narrow steps behind me. It didn't take long to find the small housings in-between the mayor's house and the town center. They looked like shit, completely rugged and worn out. If Squall really was here, his living conditions didn't surprise me. He never thought he was good enough for anything.
There were three small apartments, so I decided to knock on the door of the one that appeared cleanness. I sucked in a deep breath as I pounded on the door, hoping against hope that Squall would open it.
And of course there was no answer.
I knocked on the two other doors and both men said that Squall did live there, although they were unsure of his name. They directed me towards the pier across the way, saying that Squall spent most of his time there. I tried not to run off in that direction. When I finally reached there, a slender, petite form was gazing at the blue-ocean.
A lump formed in my throat.
For one full year, I hadn't seen that familiar, luscious body. Squall had his back facing towards me, but I knew it was him. He was dressed in a fitted black-shirt and black body-hugging jeans, but I recognized that chocolate-colored hair blowing in the wind. I could see the flecks of auburn shining bright against the sunlight. How long had it been since I last appreciated Squall's beauty? How long had it been since I held him tenderly within my arms, stroking that silky hair and appreciating everything about him?
Too long.
I walked towards him as if I were caught within a dream. Dimly, I could hear the sound of my boots grinding the small stones beneath my feet. Squall didn't look up, nor did he acknowledge my noisy presence.
Finally, I found my voice and said, "You didn't think you could hide from me forever, did you?"
Squall whirled around at the sound of my voice.
I never realized how much I missed those storm-colored eyes until now.
Squall opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
I took a seat next to him and looked out at the vast blue ocean. I could feel the heat of his gaze on my face, and when I turned to look at him, shock and disbelief were etched across his features.
"What?" I asked, "Don't look so surprised." I placed my hand beneath his chin and closed his mouth, which had been dropped open. "You just left. I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that you never existed. That was fucked up, Squall." I winced when the words fell out of my mouth. I hadn't meant to say that. Old habits die hard, I guess. It's hard to ignore the pride that has always resounded within me.
"That's not what I meant," I said quickly when I saw the hurt flit across Squall's face. It wasn't quite an apology, but it was the closest thing to it that I could spit out.
~ And if you knew what was in store, why did you persevere and endure as long as you did for our love? ~
"Why did you leave? I mean, I know why you left, but. . ." I let my voice trail as I diverted my gaze back to the ocean.
Sunlight glinted off of the blue ocean like diamonds. I could feel the wooden pier beneath me rock gently with the rolling waves. Squall and I were seated at the very edge with our legs hanging over the sides. I was actually surprised that Squall didn't have a fishing pole with him.
After a moment of silence, Squall said, ". . . Because you asked me to."
"If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"
Squall didn't answer.
I turned to face him with wide eyes.
"Squall." I couldn't find the words I wanted to express. Did he love me so much that his own life didn't matter?
Another wave of guilt crashed over me.
What did I do to deserve someone like Squall? He's always been so good to me and I've never appreciated it.
"Why," I swallowed, "Why did you put up with me for so long?"
~ I know that you deserve more than I could ever offer, but I can't change who I am ~
". . . I didn't put up with you," Squall said quietly, "you were too good for _me_. . ."
"Don't say that," I growled. "You deserved more than what I gave you. Shit, Squall, I treated you like you were nothing."
"No, you didn't," he whispered. "You treated me better than anyone else has."
I caught his storm-colored gaze, but he quickly turned his eyes away, staring at the wooden platform we were seated on.
"You never left."
The words were so soft; I barely managed to hear them.
"I knew you didn't want to be with me, since all I did was make you miserable, but. . ." Squall swallowed and I saw his slender frame tremble slightly. "You stayed with me anyway. You gave me things no one else has ever given me."
Squall had never talked about the situation between Ellone and Rinoa much, but I knew he had been greatly hurt when they both left him. Although they hadn't left on purpose, Squall still felt as though he had been abandoned. And ever since we found out Laguna was Squall's father, his sense of abandonment only served to increase. I couldn't understand _why_ Squall seemed to catch all the shit deals. He deserved more than what had been given to him. And you know what? Not once had I heard him complain. Not once had I seen him cry or mope because everything 'bad' always happened to him.
I didn't deserve him.
I don't think I could appreciate everything Squall had to offer properly. As much as I wanted to become a better man for him, I'm too much of an asshole to change. But. . . I was willing to try.
"You were never given much to begin with, Squall," I said in answer to his statement, "If what I've given you is the most anyone has ever offered you. . ." I shook my head and clenched my teeth.
Squall didn't know what it was like to have a stable, loving, affectionate relationship. He didn't know what it felt like to be appreciated.
I studied his delicate features and felt my heart-twist. There was no self-pity in his eyes. All I saw was genuine appreciation for what little had been offered to him. While some had jewels and complained about them being dirty, Squall had been given rocks, which he had polished and cherished more than the largest diamond in the world. He deserved so much more and he didn't even realize it.
"You've given me more than I ever asked for," Squall whispered as he reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Thank you."
~ All the words I left unsaid, I can't seem to get out of my head ~
My chest constricted upon hearing Squall's words. His appreciation fell out of his lips so easily, while I was having trouble trying to tell him everything that I never said.
Hyne, I didn't deserve him.
I kept telling myself that over and over again.
"How are you?" Squall asked as I fought to get the words out of my mouth. I wanted to tell him everything that I felt. I wanted him to know that I loved him with every fiber of my being. I needed to apologize for all the shit that I put him through.
Instead, I found myself saying, "Fine."
I wasn't fine.
Ever since he left, I have been going crazy.
You never know what you have until you lose it.
"That's good," he murmured.
I watched him for a moment, admiring the way the breeze ruffled his silky-brown hair. He hadn't changed much within the year; he was still drop-dead-gorgeous, but it looked like he had lost a bit of weight. I frowned and lifted a hand to cup the side of his face, stroking his cheek with my thumb. His skin was still as soft as a baby's, and he unconsciously leaned into my touch.
That's all he's ever really wanted; he's been starved for love and affection most of his life.
I hoped that maybe I could change that.
"I. . ." I cleared my throat, finally finding the courage to tell him everything that I had been thinking for the past year. Squall peered up at me, looking at me through his long, dark eyelashes. He reminded me so much of the sultry sex-kitten I had remembered him as. . .
I swallowed and finally said, "I've missed you."
I felt Squall stiffen when I pulled him into my arms, but he made no move to try and break away. For a long time, I just held him, enjoying the feel of his heart pounding against my chest. I had my arms wrapped around his shoulders, while he, hesitantly, wrapped his arms around my waist. We sat there for awhile, relishing the closeness that hadn't been shared in years. It took a few minutes for me to realize that Squall was shaking. Then I felt his warm tears soak into the white-collared shirt I was wearing.
"Squall. . ." I lifted a hand and gently stroked his soft hair.
~ Believe me I meant you no harm ~
"I. . . I didn't mean to hurt you," I said pathetically. "I was stupid; I treated you like shit; and I didn't even realize it." I felt my own tears prick at my eyes and it took a great deal of self-control to hold them back. Perhaps Squall influenced me as much as I influenced him. . .
"You made me happy," Squall said quietly.
I growled. "Maybe I made you happy, but I made you feel sad more often."
"I was sad because I couldn't give you what you wanted."
"You gave me everything that I didn't deserve."
A part of me felt relieved that Squall still trusted me enough to be honest about his feelings; no one else has ever seen this side of Squall except for me; he left himself open and vulnerable without any sort of hesitation.
The other part was angry that I had hurt Squall so much without even realizing it.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, baby," I said in a soft growl, "I didn't know any better at the time. You gave me your heart and all I did was trample on it and break it. I honestly didn't mean to do it. . ."
"Seifer." Squall straightened himself a bit, until we were face-to-face. I could see several tears clinging to his long eyelashes, but he didn't make a move to try and hide them from me. "You have treated me better than anyone else. You have never hurt me. You gave me more than I ever asked for."
I gazed into the endless pools of his storm-colored eyes.
He really meant what he said.
Something inside of me broke and I could feel a tear escape from the corner of my eye. How could I have treated him so horribly? I can't believe I had the nerve to come here, hoping to get him back. I didn't deserve the sympathy in those beautiful eyes. I didn't deserve the acceptance he had always given me. After all the shit that I've done to him, I didn't deserve any of it.
"Squall. . ."
Guilt crashed over me, wave after wave. I remembered all those nights when I would return to our dorm room late at night. Squall would be seated on the bed, worried that something had happened to me. I remembered all those times when I didn't appreciate those simple, loving things that he would do for me without being asked. I felt guilty for not once thanking him for anything that he's ever done for me.
I pulled Squall towards me and buried my face against his neck and shoulder, trying to hide the tears that trailed down my cheeks.
~ I'm sorry ~
"I'm sorry," I mumbled over and over against his cheek, squeezing him so tightly I was sure that I was hurting him. Once the apology escaped my lips, I was unable to stop my pleaded apologies. I knew words could never make up for the way I treated him, but it was a start and I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to him.
"There's no reason for you to be sorry, Seifer," Squall was murmuring against my ear. "It's ok, you don't need to be sorry."
There was no point in trying to explain to Squall why I had treated him so badly. He wouldn't understand; he's naïve when it comes to emotions and relationships.
I needed to show him love without sorrow.
"I'm sorry," I said again as I lifted my face from his shoulder and wiped away my tears. "I'm sorry, baby. I'll make everything up to you if you let me. . ."
Fresh tears began falling from Squall's eyes at my words. An undeserved happiness washed over me when Squall wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a tight hug.
"I love you," I whispered for the first time against his ear. And Squall said, unexpectedly, "I know."
"What?"
How could he know?
"Rinoa told me once that there's a saying, 'If you love something, let it go. And if it comes back to you, it's yours to keep'," he said shyly.
I hugged him close and said, "I've always been yours to keep. I just didn't know it until you were gone. . ."
Squall was about to say something, but I hushed him with a gentle kiss to his lips.
"Let me show you what love is really like," I murmured.
After a moment of hesitance - hesitance because Squall was convinced that he had been shown love - he nodded.
As it had once been my duty to protect the sorceress as her knight, my new duty was to give Squall everything he deserved. I'd give him love, affection, and so much more.
~ Reflecting on what we once shared, now I know much you really cared ~
Six months have passed since I found Squall in FH.
Squall and I have never been happier.
At first the start of our new relationship was completely non-physical. I needed to show Squall that he was loved not because of his body, but because of who he was. It was hard to resist, since Squall constantly offered himself to me. In the beginning, Squall had been worried that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It took a long time for me to convince him that I loved _him_ and not his body. After awhile, it sunk in and he even let me pamper him once in awhile. I wanted to treat him like a prince, but Squall would have none of that. I also tried to get him to tell me what he wanted, but he'd always say he had everything he wanted. So, needless to say, it was hard to pamper a prince when he already felt like he had the world.
I think I'm doing a good job, though. Squall hasn't frowned once. . . well, not from anything that had to do with our relationship.
We decided to leave the Garden and start a new life. Currently, we're living in Winhill on Laguna's suggestion. It's a quiet and peaceful town. Squall and I make a living by picking up Laguna's old job: fighting off monsters that wander into the village. Ever since the second Lunar Cry, the monster population has nearly doubled. But, I daresay, we're actually living a peaceful, quiet, domesticated life. At the moment, for the first time, Squall is actually asking me for something.
"What do you think about opening up an orphanage?" Squall munched on a carrot stick and I found myself getting hard.
Damn him. Anything that he does is so unconsciously erotic.
"I don't know," I shrugged, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Would it bother you?" he asked tentatively.
I frowned. I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking.
Squall noticed.
"If you don't want to, I understand," he said quickly.
I cursed. "Baby, I told you to speak your mind," I growled in a non-threatening tone. "I wouldn't mind if we opened up an orphanage. Hyne knows that there are hundreds of war orphans out there."
A second later, I had my brunette-lover seated on my lap, kissing me. At least it distracted me from the situation I had just gotten myself into. But. . . if my decision will make Squall's face light up as it just did, everything that I do in the future for him will be worth it.
He deserves it.
Squall never gave up on our love.
~ You cared for our love ~
~ Owari ~
AN: I've started up a Seifer x Squall Fan Fiction Contest. Please, if you're a writer, enter? Onegai? If you would like more information, please check out: http://www.silent-desire.com/contest/ for more details.
Anyway, Squall got wayyyy OOC in this fic, but that is the way I perceive Squally. I think once he gives his heart away, he's completely vulnerable and he'll do anything for the one he loves. Anyway, I'm thinking about turning this into a story-arc. I just can't resist a domesticated Squall and Seifer raising a bunch of children in an orphanage. Hee-Hee.
Also, the song, "Reflections" is by a band called, "Home Grown" whom I've had the pleasure of meeting. (Yes, I'm bragging. LOL.) They're really cool and if you see their CD's anywhere, you should buy 'em. I don't recommend downloading their music 'cause I have this thing about ripping off independent labels. . . I mean, mainstream labels are ok 'cause they're corrupt - money hungry bastards (I'm sure some artists aren't money-hungry bastards, but they're selling a hell of a lot more records than independent labels), but yeah. . . as Squall would say, "Whatever."
~ Rain ~
Warnings: Shounen Ai, Angst, Language, Songfic, OOC, POV
Rating: R
Pairing: Seifer x Squall
Feedback: Yes, please!
Archive: Sure, if you want it. Just e-mail me: rain@silent-desire.com
- http://www.silent-desire.com
Summary: Seifer thinks about his relationship with Squall. . .
AN: The song, "Reflections" is by a band called, "Home Grown".
~~ooO@Ooo~~
Reflections:
~ Reflecting on what we once shared, now I know how much you really cared ~
One year has passed since Squall and I had broken up. It's funny how I always assumed he would be there; once I knew he loved me, there was no reason for me to think that he'd leave. How could he leave when his heart belonged to me?
It was because of that attitude that caused me to lose him.
In the beginning our relationship was great. I would head to Squall's office as soon as my class finished - Headmaster Cid allowed me to return to Garden - and I would fuck Squall on his desk like there was no tomorrow. He was always so willing - so _submissive_ towards me; he'd give me anything I desired. There was nothing that Squall wouldn't do for me. I remember coming back to our shared dorm room after the field exam. Squall had been waiting on the bed with massage oils and a black-silk robe that left nothing for the imagination. Since I was 'dating' the Commander, I found out my test results through him. And as a reward for finally becoming a SeeD, Squall treated me to one of the best massages I'd ever had.
There were also little things that he would do for me. On more than one occasion, after coming home from a grueling mission, Squall would climb out of bed, despite how tired he was, and run me a hot bath and then cook me something to eat. I never realized how tired he was from running the Garden at the time, but he would do those simple things for me, just because he cared about me. And you know what? I never thanked him for it.
There were also incidents where we would get into a fight and I would grow enraged because of his lack of reaction. In my haze of anger, I never noticed the hurt that I would bring Squall. It took me one year to figure out _why_ there was no reaction from Squall. On the night before Squall left me, I had returned from the Training Center energized and sweaty. All I could think about was heading into the bathroom, taking a hot shower, and then fucking him until he couldn't walk the following morning. But when I entered our room and discovered that the shower was still broken - I had told him earlier that morning to fix it - I snapped at him.
"I told you to fix the fucking shower, Squall!"
Squall had sat up from the bed, half-asleep, and he had had the audacity to look confused.
"Shit, I'm fucking stink and sweaty," I growled, "You know I have a mission tomorrow. Hyne knows when I'll be able to have another shower." Squall had opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off before any sound could come out, "This isn't the first time you've done something like this. Do you remember when you forgot to wash my SeeD Uniform? Or the time when my bootlaces broke and I asked you to buy me new ones, but you didn't? Fuck. All you're good for is a pounding headache."
I never noticed it until now, but Squall's eyes had glazed over in a look of deep hurt. At the time, however, I had misjudged it for anger.
"What? You can't handle the truth, _Commander_?" I sneered at him and took a step closer to him. "The only thing you're good for is a nice fuck. You're cooking tastes like shit, and your massages cause more damage."
Looking back on it now, I don't know why I was so pissed off. I had thought that Squall had just been ignoring me, since his face seemed to be devoid of emotion. That only served to piss me off even more, though I know now that Squall had been fighting back tears. If I had paid more attention to him back then, I think I would've noticed that when he turned his head away from me, it was to block my view of the tears filling his eyes. Instead, I thought he had chosen to ignore me.
"Get the fuck out, Squall. I don't want to see your fucking face again."
I had felt satisfied when Squall stood from the bed and rushed out of the room. I never thought that that would be the last time I saw him. He had left with his head bowed and his hands clenched to his sides. I had thought he was clenching his fists in anger. I never thought that he was trembling from hurt, or that he had left looking more like a wounded puppy with its tail between its legs.
When I re-entered the bathroom to grab my shampoo and soap, deciding on showering in someone else's room, I noticed a small note that had been taped to the toilet-cover:
The repairman is on vacation, so I called someone in Balamb to fix it. They'll be here tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry. I know you have a mission tomorrow.
I asked Quistis if it would be alright for you to use her shower. She said it's ok, but only this once.
~ Squall
I felt like an ass after reading Squall's note, but I had too much pride to go hunt him down and apologize. I figured I would see him the following morning before I left, but he never showed up.
I deserved that.
~ You cared for me ~
Out of all the fights that Squall and I had, not once had he blown up on me like I did. It was funny how after we got together romantically, Squall became an almost docile creature. He never disagreed with anything that I said. He loved me enough to put my needs before his. It didn't matter whether or not he had something to do, he'd stop everything and do it for me. Squall cared for me enough to do that.
Every night, Squall would whisper, "I love you" in my ear. I'd always grunt in response, never saying the words back to him. I figured he knew. Why else would I stay with him for two years? And why would he stick around if he thought I didn't love him? It was stupid on my part to think that. Squall fought tooth and nail for any type of affection from me. Even though he spent most of his life trying to take care of himself, as soon as I ripped down that barrier, he let himself go, allowing me to get close to his heart. Rinoa once told me that I held Squall's heart within my hands; one gentle squeeze and I could crush it.
She was right.
Squall loved me with every fiber of his being. I was just too stupid to realize it. He used to crawl into my arms every night, trying to snuggle close, but on more than one occasion, I pushed him away. I hated feeling trapped while I was asleep, so I used to turn my back on him and ignore him. Not once did he complain, but on the rare occasion that I _did_ hold him, he'd purr like a kitten and nuzzle his cheek against my chest.
I remember once, he asked me if I would ever leave him. Instead of answering his question, I asked, "Would you leave me?" His reply had been, "Only if you asked me to. . ."
His love ran so deep he overlooked everything about me.
I should have known then that Squall wasn't the type of person to give his heart easily, but when he did it meant that it belonged to that person forever. I wish I could think that it was Squall's stupidity for giving his heart to someone like me, but I know that stupidity is something Squall doesn't have. Naivety, perhaps. I don't know what I did to make him love me, but at least I can say that I experienced love. At least I can say I had been given love.
~ I never did appreciate the sacrifices that you made - you made for our love ~
Love wasn't the only thing that Squall had given me. He sacrificed _everything_ in order to be with me. When you're known around the world as the guy who tried to destroy Earth, people don't think too highly of you. Squall caught shit left and right for being with me. How could a world hero date the enemy?
Squall never let that bother him, though. In the beginning, I told him that we should keep our relationship a secret. He had immediately shaken his head, saying, "I have no reason to hide you." Those words meant more to me than I let him know. In fact, I never let him know. How many times did he have to defend himself from ignorant people? He never told me when people would pester him. I always found out through Rinoa, one of the few people who still spoke to me.
"Seifer," Rinoa had approached me during lunch one afternoon looking disturbed, "Have you seen Squall?"
"No. Why?"
Rinoa had crossed her arms over her chest, worried. "Selphie told me he was being harassed again."
I frowned and told her that I would find him.
When I did, he had locked himself in our bathroom, refusing to come out. It took a few minutes for the bathroom door to finally open, and when Squall stepped out, he refused to tell me what had been said to him. I never bothered to pursue the issue, even though I knew I should've.
Eventually, I had found out what was being said to Squall. About a year after Squall and I had been together, I stumbled across Squall and a group of guys in the Quad. No one had seen me enter, so I hid behind one of the many plants, listening.
"Hey look, guys! It's our cock-sucking Commander," said one of the assholes.
"Heh-Heh. You're still taking it up the ass from that fucking Sorceress' Knight?" said another.
"You're a fucking traitor, Leonhart," said the last of them. "Are you sucking the Headmasters cock, too? Is that why your traitorous ass is still Commander?"
Squall had said nothing as he glared at the three guys.
"Fucking slut," the first one spat, "Get your queer ass out of Garden. You don't fucking belong here."
"Yeah. You and your ass-fucking Knight," the second agreed.
"Awww, is the Commander going to cry now?" said the third guy in a child's voice.
At the same time I emerged from my hiding place behind the plants, Squall's fist connected with the third guys jawbone. He flew back several feet, landing on the ground with a hard 'thud'. The other two guys eyes widened in fear when they saw me stand behind Squall, enraged. They 'eeped' and ran out of the Quad yelling, "I'm reporting you to the Headmaster!" behind their shoulder. Squall had snorted in disgust and turned to face me, surprised.
"Seifer," he said with his storm-colored eyes filled with shock.
I hadn't said anything.
I never thanked him for putting up with that crap.
Squall had to apologize to the three guys on Headmaster Cid's orders. According to Cid, Squall needed to set an example towards the under-classmen, and punching someone for talking shit wasn't appropriate.
That wasn't the only thing, though. Aside from the little things that Squall would do for me, like massaging my back and running me a hot bath, there were moments when he tried his hardest to cheer me up. As much as I hated to admit it, I still had nightmares about being under Ultimecia's control. I used to wake up late at night, trembling and covered in cold sweat. Squall would attempt to engage me in conversation, but when he realized that I would never talk about it, he'd offer his body to me, trying to bring me pleasure rather than pain.
Another thing I never thanked him for.
Instead of thanking him, I used to just take what he offered; unaware of the way I treated him. I used to wonder why Squall would sometimes gaze at me with sad eyes. For a few months before he left, his storm-colored eyes always looked like they were on the verge of tears. I never asked him what was wrong. I remember a time when I used to; it stopped after a short period. Even though his eyes always looked glassy, he would offer me a small smile - a smile reserved for only me - and would kiss my cheek, saying, "Have a nice day." I never noticed the trembling in his voice, or the way he would clutch my shoulders, as if afraid that I would disappear.
I never knew that he was unsure of my love.
Once an idiot, always an idiot.
~ I know that you deserve more than I could ever offer, but I can't change who I am ~
Even after all the things that I've done - all the things that I didn't appreciate - I still wanted the chance to get Squall back. I know that he deserves better than me, but still. . . I want the chance to make it up to him - which is why I have been trying to track him down. I've been looking for Squall for the past six months, but hadn't been given any luck until now. With the help of Rinoa and the others, we managed to find invaluable information about a man who looked like Squall in FH. Three days later, I found myself wandering around FH, hunting down the one that meant most to me in the world.
"Have you seen this guy wandering around this place?" I grabbed a man who was walking by and shoved a picture of Squall in his face. At first, he trembled and looked up at me with frightened eyes. Then he looked at the picture and studied it for several moments.
"Well?" I demanded as I shoved my gunblade against his neck. "Have you?"
Rinoa and the others had informed me that FH was a pacifist town and bringing Hyperion wouldn't be a good idea. Of course, I was never one to follow rules, so I ignored their 'no fighting' policy and used my gunblade towards my advantage.
"Y-Yes," the man finally gasped in fear.
"Where?" I growled, narrowing my eyes.
"N-Near the train tracks," he said as he lifted a shaking hand and pointed in the direction behind me, "Right between the Mayor's house and the Town Center. He lives there."
I released the man and he took off at a run, clearly frightened. I allowed myself a humorless chuckle, then preceded down the narrow steps behind me. It didn't take long to find the small housings in-between the mayor's house and the town center. They looked like shit, completely rugged and worn out. If Squall really was here, his living conditions didn't surprise me. He never thought he was good enough for anything.
There were three small apartments, so I decided to knock on the door of the one that appeared cleanness. I sucked in a deep breath as I pounded on the door, hoping against hope that Squall would open it.
And of course there was no answer.
I knocked on the two other doors and both men said that Squall did live there, although they were unsure of his name. They directed me towards the pier across the way, saying that Squall spent most of his time there. I tried not to run off in that direction. When I finally reached there, a slender, petite form was gazing at the blue-ocean.
A lump formed in my throat.
For one full year, I hadn't seen that familiar, luscious body. Squall had his back facing towards me, but I knew it was him. He was dressed in a fitted black-shirt and black body-hugging jeans, but I recognized that chocolate-colored hair blowing in the wind. I could see the flecks of auburn shining bright against the sunlight. How long had it been since I last appreciated Squall's beauty? How long had it been since I held him tenderly within my arms, stroking that silky hair and appreciating everything about him?
Too long.
I walked towards him as if I were caught within a dream. Dimly, I could hear the sound of my boots grinding the small stones beneath my feet. Squall didn't look up, nor did he acknowledge my noisy presence.
Finally, I found my voice and said, "You didn't think you could hide from me forever, did you?"
Squall whirled around at the sound of my voice.
I never realized how much I missed those storm-colored eyes until now.
Squall opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
I took a seat next to him and looked out at the vast blue ocean. I could feel the heat of his gaze on my face, and when I turned to look at him, shock and disbelief were etched across his features.
"What?" I asked, "Don't look so surprised." I placed my hand beneath his chin and closed his mouth, which had been dropped open. "You just left. I wasn't going to sit around and pretend that you never existed. That was fucked up, Squall." I winced when the words fell out of my mouth. I hadn't meant to say that. Old habits die hard, I guess. It's hard to ignore the pride that has always resounded within me.
"That's not what I meant," I said quickly when I saw the hurt flit across Squall's face. It wasn't quite an apology, but it was the closest thing to it that I could spit out.
~ And if you knew what was in store, why did you persevere and endure as long as you did for our love? ~
"Why did you leave? I mean, I know why you left, but. . ." I let my voice trail as I diverted my gaze back to the ocean.
Sunlight glinted off of the blue ocean like diamonds. I could feel the wooden pier beneath me rock gently with the rolling waves. Squall and I were seated at the very edge with our legs hanging over the sides. I was actually surprised that Squall didn't have a fishing pole with him.
After a moment of silence, Squall said, ". . . Because you asked me to."
"If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"
Squall didn't answer.
I turned to face him with wide eyes.
"Squall." I couldn't find the words I wanted to express. Did he love me so much that his own life didn't matter?
Another wave of guilt crashed over me.
What did I do to deserve someone like Squall? He's always been so good to me and I've never appreciated it.
"Why," I swallowed, "Why did you put up with me for so long?"
~ I know that you deserve more than I could ever offer, but I can't change who I am ~
". . . I didn't put up with you," Squall said quietly, "you were too good for _me_. . ."
"Don't say that," I growled. "You deserved more than what I gave you. Shit, Squall, I treated you like you were nothing."
"No, you didn't," he whispered. "You treated me better than anyone else has."
I caught his storm-colored gaze, but he quickly turned his eyes away, staring at the wooden platform we were seated on.
"You never left."
The words were so soft; I barely managed to hear them.
"I knew you didn't want to be with me, since all I did was make you miserable, but. . ." Squall swallowed and I saw his slender frame tremble slightly. "You stayed with me anyway. You gave me things no one else has ever given me."
Squall had never talked about the situation between Ellone and Rinoa much, but I knew he had been greatly hurt when they both left him. Although they hadn't left on purpose, Squall still felt as though he had been abandoned. And ever since we found out Laguna was Squall's father, his sense of abandonment only served to increase. I couldn't understand _why_ Squall seemed to catch all the shit deals. He deserved more than what had been given to him. And you know what? Not once had I heard him complain. Not once had I seen him cry or mope because everything 'bad' always happened to him.
I didn't deserve him.
I don't think I could appreciate everything Squall had to offer properly. As much as I wanted to become a better man for him, I'm too much of an asshole to change. But. . . I was willing to try.
"You were never given much to begin with, Squall," I said in answer to his statement, "If what I've given you is the most anyone has ever offered you. . ." I shook my head and clenched my teeth.
Squall didn't know what it was like to have a stable, loving, affectionate relationship. He didn't know what it felt like to be appreciated.
I studied his delicate features and felt my heart-twist. There was no self-pity in his eyes. All I saw was genuine appreciation for what little had been offered to him. While some had jewels and complained about them being dirty, Squall had been given rocks, which he had polished and cherished more than the largest diamond in the world. He deserved so much more and he didn't even realize it.
"You've given me more than I ever asked for," Squall whispered as he reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Thank you."
~ All the words I left unsaid, I can't seem to get out of my head ~
My chest constricted upon hearing Squall's words. His appreciation fell out of his lips so easily, while I was having trouble trying to tell him everything that I never said.
Hyne, I didn't deserve him.
I kept telling myself that over and over again.
"How are you?" Squall asked as I fought to get the words out of my mouth. I wanted to tell him everything that I felt. I wanted him to know that I loved him with every fiber of my being. I needed to apologize for all the shit that I put him through.
Instead, I found myself saying, "Fine."
I wasn't fine.
Ever since he left, I have been going crazy.
You never know what you have until you lose it.
"That's good," he murmured.
I watched him for a moment, admiring the way the breeze ruffled his silky-brown hair. He hadn't changed much within the year; he was still drop-dead-gorgeous, but it looked like he had lost a bit of weight. I frowned and lifted a hand to cup the side of his face, stroking his cheek with my thumb. His skin was still as soft as a baby's, and he unconsciously leaned into my touch.
That's all he's ever really wanted; he's been starved for love and affection most of his life.
I hoped that maybe I could change that.
"I. . ." I cleared my throat, finally finding the courage to tell him everything that I had been thinking for the past year. Squall peered up at me, looking at me through his long, dark eyelashes. He reminded me so much of the sultry sex-kitten I had remembered him as. . .
I swallowed and finally said, "I've missed you."
I felt Squall stiffen when I pulled him into my arms, but he made no move to try and break away. For a long time, I just held him, enjoying the feel of his heart pounding against my chest. I had my arms wrapped around his shoulders, while he, hesitantly, wrapped his arms around my waist. We sat there for awhile, relishing the closeness that hadn't been shared in years. It took a few minutes for me to realize that Squall was shaking. Then I felt his warm tears soak into the white-collared shirt I was wearing.
"Squall. . ." I lifted a hand and gently stroked his soft hair.
~ Believe me I meant you no harm ~
"I. . . I didn't mean to hurt you," I said pathetically. "I was stupid; I treated you like shit; and I didn't even realize it." I felt my own tears prick at my eyes and it took a great deal of self-control to hold them back. Perhaps Squall influenced me as much as I influenced him. . .
"You made me happy," Squall said quietly.
I growled. "Maybe I made you happy, but I made you feel sad more often."
"I was sad because I couldn't give you what you wanted."
"You gave me everything that I didn't deserve."
A part of me felt relieved that Squall still trusted me enough to be honest about his feelings; no one else has ever seen this side of Squall except for me; he left himself open and vulnerable without any sort of hesitation.
The other part was angry that I had hurt Squall so much without even realizing it.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, baby," I said in a soft growl, "I didn't know any better at the time. You gave me your heart and all I did was trample on it and break it. I honestly didn't mean to do it. . ."
"Seifer." Squall straightened himself a bit, until we were face-to-face. I could see several tears clinging to his long eyelashes, but he didn't make a move to try and hide them from me. "You have treated me better than anyone else. You have never hurt me. You gave me more than I ever asked for."
I gazed into the endless pools of his storm-colored eyes.
He really meant what he said.
Something inside of me broke and I could feel a tear escape from the corner of my eye. How could I have treated him so horribly? I can't believe I had the nerve to come here, hoping to get him back. I didn't deserve the sympathy in those beautiful eyes. I didn't deserve the acceptance he had always given me. After all the shit that I've done to him, I didn't deserve any of it.
"Squall. . ."
Guilt crashed over me, wave after wave. I remembered all those nights when I would return to our dorm room late at night. Squall would be seated on the bed, worried that something had happened to me. I remembered all those times when I didn't appreciate those simple, loving things that he would do for me without being asked. I felt guilty for not once thanking him for anything that he's ever done for me.
I pulled Squall towards me and buried my face against his neck and shoulder, trying to hide the tears that trailed down my cheeks.
~ I'm sorry ~
"I'm sorry," I mumbled over and over against his cheek, squeezing him so tightly I was sure that I was hurting him. Once the apology escaped my lips, I was unable to stop my pleaded apologies. I knew words could never make up for the way I treated him, but it was a start and I was willing to spend the rest of my life making it up to him.
"There's no reason for you to be sorry, Seifer," Squall was murmuring against my ear. "It's ok, you don't need to be sorry."
There was no point in trying to explain to Squall why I had treated him so badly. He wouldn't understand; he's naïve when it comes to emotions and relationships.
I needed to show him love without sorrow.
"I'm sorry," I said again as I lifted my face from his shoulder and wiped away my tears. "I'm sorry, baby. I'll make everything up to you if you let me. . ."
Fresh tears began falling from Squall's eyes at my words. An undeserved happiness washed over me when Squall wrapped his arms around my neck and gave me a tight hug.
"I love you," I whispered for the first time against his ear. And Squall said, unexpectedly, "I know."
"What?"
How could he know?
"Rinoa told me once that there's a saying, 'If you love something, let it go. And if it comes back to you, it's yours to keep'," he said shyly.
I hugged him close and said, "I've always been yours to keep. I just didn't know it until you were gone. . ."
Squall was about to say something, but I hushed him with a gentle kiss to his lips.
"Let me show you what love is really like," I murmured.
After a moment of hesitance - hesitance because Squall was convinced that he had been shown love - he nodded.
As it had once been my duty to protect the sorceress as her knight, my new duty was to give Squall everything he deserved. I'd give him love, affection, and so much more.
~ Reflecting on what we once shared, now I know much you really cared ~
Six months have passed since I found Squall in FH.
Squall and I have never been happier.
At first the start of our new relationship was completely non-physical. I needed to show Squall that he was loved not because of his body, but because of who he was. It was hard to resist, since Squall constantly offered himself to me. In the beginning, Squall had been worried that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. It took a long time for me to convince him that I loved _him_ and not his body. After awhile, it sunk in and he even let me pamper him once in awhile. I wanted to treat him like a prince, but Squall would have none of that. I also tried to get him to tell me what he wanted, but he'd always say he had everything he wanted. So, needless to say, it was hard to pamper a prince when he already felt like he had the world.
I think I'm doing a good job, though. Squall hasn't frowned once. . . well, not from anything that had to do with our relationship.
We decided to leave the Garden and start a new life. Currently, we're living in Winhill on Laguna's suggestion. It's a quiet and peaceful town. Squall and I make a living by picking up Laguna's old job: fighting off monsters that wander into the village. Ever since the second Lunar Cry, the monster population has nearly doubled. But, I daresay, we're actually living a peaceful, quiet, domesticated life. At the moment, for the first time, Squall is actually asking me for something.
"What do you think about opening up an orphanage?" Squall munched on a carrot stick and I found myself getting hard.
Damn him. Anything that he does is so unconsciously erotic.
"I don't know," I shrugged, eyeing him suspiciously.
"Would it bother you?" he asked tentatively.
I frowned. I didn't like the direction this conversation was taking.
Squall noticed.
"If you don't want to, I understand," he said quickly.
I cursed. "Baby, I told you to speak your mind," I growled in a non-threatening tone. "I wouldn't mind if we opened up an orphanage. Hyne knows that there are hundreds of war orphans out there."
A second later, I had my brunette-lover seated on my lap, kissing me. At least it distracted me from the situation I had just gotten myself into. But. . . if my decision will make Squall's face light up as it just did, everything that I do in the future for him will be worth it.
He deserves it.
Squall never gave up on our love.
~ You cared for our love ~
~ Owari ~
AN: I've started up a Seifer x Squall Fan Fiction Contest. Please, if you're a writer, enter? Onegai? If you would like more information, please check out: http://www.silent-desire.com/contest/ for more details.
Anyway, Squall got wayyyy OOC in this fic, but that is the way I perceive Squally. I think once he gives his heart away, he's completely vulnerable and he'll do anything for the one he loves. Anyway, I'm thinking about turning this into a story-arc. I just can't resist a domesticated Squall and Seifer raising a bunch of children in an orphanage. Hee-Hee.
Also, the song, "Reflections" is by a band called, "Home Grown" whom I've had the pleasure of meeting. (Yes, I'm bragging. LOL.) They're really cool and if you see their CD's anywhere, you should buy 'em. I don't recommend downloading their music 'cause I have this thing about ripping off independent labels. . . I mean, mainstream labels are ok 'cause they're corrupt - money hungry bastards (I'm sure some artists aren't money-hungry bastards, but they're selling a hell of a lot more records than independent labels), but yeah. . . as Squall would say, "Whatever."
~ Rain ~