Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Reflections ❯ Chapter 1

TITLE: Reflections

AUTHOR: Rothalion

RATING: PG-13 for sexual innuendo, Yaoi, implied slash, language. Spoilers.

SUMMERY: One shot. Jecht POV. Jecht watching Braska watching Auron sleep. The Summoner writes a letter of farewell as he does so. This grew a bit so I am going with the flow.

GENERE: Angst

REVIEW: rothalion@hotmail.com

DISCLAIMER: Square owns em. This is just a one shot driven by obsessed muses.

Reflections

So I'm sitting' here watching' the summoner watch the Pup sleep. Yea, Auron's a Pup. Damn, how he hates when I call him that. Just a flipping' kid in a man's body. He may do a damn good job at hiddin' it, but fact is, I can't help feelin' that he's in way past his overconfident head and naive young heart. I only wish that I could tell him as much in a way that he would believe me. Maybe then he'd sit back and take a long hard look at what he's gotten himself into; whatever, exactly, that is! There's something wrong with this whole pilgrimage trip. Somethin' that just ain't quite right.

Like tonight. Braska's been sittin next to the Pup for around two hours now. The kid's totally exhausted. Wiped out. I don't think he's slept more than three straight hours in the last three days. Today was the final straw. The buzzer sounded and Auron's game ended. The Pup'd stumbled along like a zombie until we were attacked by fiends. It wasn't thirty seconds into the battle before he had his tired ass knocked flat out and me and the summoner were left fendin' for ourselves. Once the fight was over we dragged his butt to the inn and Braska ordered him to bath, eat and sleep, and until he slept, truly slept, we weren't going anywhere. So now, some two hours later, the summoner is writin' while he watches Auron sleep.

It's strange. Four beds in the room but the Pup said he was cold, really cold and chose to curl up in his blankets on the thick wooly rug right in front of the fireplace and now Braska is perched cross legged just at Auron's head like an over protective watch dog. Every so often the summoner stops his scribbles, reaches out and gently, I mean gently in a way I ain't never seen before because the Pup don't wake up and you don't get near that bastard without him knowin' it, and strokes the Pup's midnight black hair with his long, soft finger tips. Then, after a bit of thought, Braska goes back to writing. There's somethin', somethin' so... so, I don't have a word for it, between these two...a trust a...I coughed and Braska turns my way. His face is wet with new tears. Damn, what have I fallen into? As I watch the summoner leans forward and kisses Auron's forehead, then both cheeks. He lingers, low, bent over Auron for a moment and after a slight twist of his head to look at me he kisses his steady finger tips and brushes them softly across Auron's slightly parted lips. I look away confused, ashamed and frightened at the display. I think he wants to do more. To be a nearer, closer to the Pup but I'm in the way. Braska, simply sits up and returns to his writing.

In the way. That's me. I'm an outsider. A Blitzball star from the fabled Zanarakand! It's all I can do to understand which fiend I'm fighting let alone what's buried in the hearts of the only two men I can call friend in this nightmare I've been dropped into. My nightmare. The last three nights were blown apart by the Pup and his nightmares. Nightmares of such ...such extreme... what? Extreme reality. Extreme terror? I have never, not in my Zanarakand or their Spira witnessed such complete terror in a man's eyes. No man's eyes, let alone a sleeping man's eyes. The Pup would wake up screaming. Screams that were unnatural, screams so full of fear and unspoken horror...my heart froze. Braska was easily knocked aside by the Pup's struggles with the dream monsters and so I dove into the mix. Grappling him to a sweat soaked stand still. He's damn strong but I'm a bit bigger and older so I could hold him tight. Tight against my pounding chest, tight against myself, a self terrified by this sudden weakness in a man who had only shown courage and strength way beyond his years. Is it a weakness to fight your demons at night in your sleep? I don't know. I just don't know much of anything anymore. Mostly I think I just want to go home to my wife and kid. Damn, if being ripped from your world can't make you appreciate all that you had then I don't think anything can. I guess I'll just roll over give the Summoner some privacy.

It was a few hours later that I awoke to the sound of the door opening, Braska was quietly trying to leave.

"Braska, you shouldn't go out alone, what're you doin'?" I hissed my voice a hoarse whisper. Damn it the Pup'll kill me if the summoner goes any place unguarded!

"Sh. Do not wake him Jecht. I am only going to the dinning room for a bite to eat. I will be perfectly safe there. Please stay with Auron in case he dreams again tonight."

"If you say so, but he'll just be ticked off at me for letting you go. You know how cranky he is when he's tired!" The man smiled his soft smile and told me not to worry.

I felt like I was too far away from the Pup so I got up and took Braska's place on the floor near Auron's head. He seemed fast enough asleep, I could only hope he'd stay that way. These nightmares he's been having scare the hell outta me. If there is something in this world so frightening that someone as fearless as the Pup starts to come unglued I sure don't want any part of it. A bit of hair has fallen into his face and I reach out and brush it aside. Wait till I tell him in the morning that I touched him and he didn't stir.

`Hmm. What's this?' I think to myself looking at the small rolled paper tucked carefully into Auron's fist. I figure it's the paper Braska was working on. A letter for Auron? That's kinda weird…why leave him a note? Why not just tell him. Suddenly my heart begins to race, and my imagination with it. What if the crazy summoner is trying to run off? What if he's gonna hurt or damn it kill himself? What if…I stand and head for the door but I can't decide; stay as ordered, or go see if he is just eating? With my hand touching the latch I look back at the sleeping man; he makes decisions at the drop of a hat, no hesitation, just seems to know what to do. What would he do here, I ask myself. Auron would follow Braska's order and deal with the fallout later. Yea but what if it can't be dealt with. If something happened to Braska and it was my fault I have no doubt that the Pup would take my head. Fine. I'll just have to do both.

I open the door silently and creep down the deserted hallway. Damn what if Braska comes up the stairs as I sneak down? What if Auron has a nightmare while I'm out? What if…

"Stop it you weak fool, and get on with it!" I scold myself, "You've made your decision now follow through!"

That decided I continue down the hall, pausing at the top of the stairs. Next I moved down the stairs just far enough to see into the dinning room. Thank god! He's there! Sitting alone in front of the great fireplace eating. I spin and high tail it back to Auron, thankful to see that he hasn't moved a muscle. Morning was not far away and I hadn't slept much, so I leaned back on my bunk and let my eyes droop shut. If Auron woke up yellin' I'd hear him.

Well, the Pup didn't wake up screamin' or yelling. Matter of fact he was so quiet that I barely heard him going out of the door. What's with these two tonight and all the sneakin' around. Damned if I could figure it out. Awake now after being disturbed a second time I got up and sat down at the small table. As I reached out for the loaf of hard bread that was sitting there I saw the letter that Braska `d left with Auron just lying there, open seemingly discarded. Hmm...

/My Beloved Auron,/ It began. I figure I probably shoudn't read it. Anything starting with 'my beloved' is not meant to be shared. I push it away and chew on my chunk of bread. He did leave it sitting in plain sight though. I pull it back towards myself and look at it kind of sideways. What the hell. I finally decide. If nothin else maybe it'll shed a little light on their relationship and maybe some info about this Spira. I tossed the bread aside and after a long pull on the wine flask I set the letter in front of myself.

/My Beloved Auron,

You have traveled resolutely alongside me for untold miles. You have obediently followed my orders and catered to my needs while casting your own well being and needs aside. You are the sword that will safely carry me to Zanarakand. You are the sword that defends my heart and soul from the constant threat of grief and fear that stalks my path in an effort to turn me from my duty. You, my beloved Guardian, are my air, my sunshine, my very life. I know the nightmare that haunts your sleep, and every step we take only brings us closer the its fruition. Please, my Beloved, do not weep for me; instead weep with joy when I bring the Calm upon our beleagured world. My dying will not be for naught dearest Auron. How tragic your task must be. With everyday and every footfall my heart breaks for you. My meager task pales in comparison to the yoke of duty that binds you, my Guardian. The dichotomy of the Guardian's task is a desperate and sorrowful bane. Yevon , Oh holy Yevon, dearest Auron, what of your solemn task? To guard and defend me only to watch helplessly as the final Aeon claims my life. How tragic to be killed by fiends in order to keep me safe only to have me snatch you from the serinity of the Farplane and back to this mournful life so you can stand at the end and watch me perish. Will it be an end? No my faithful friend, think of it as a beginning. How, my Beloved? How could I have asked you to do this for me? May Yevon punish my selfishness. Be strong my Beloved. We have shared so much. Tender moments; those simple, fleeting moments that we manage to spend in each others arms, they keep me moving inexplicably foward though I know how my passing will inexorably rend your fragile spirit. I love and need the warmth of your gentle touch, so different from the ferocity you show in battle, it soothes my weary and often doubt filled soul. The comfort of your scent, earthy, wild and sure. The passion of your kisses, as though you wish to devour my very essence. The boundless strength and determination I feel when you hold me in your arms. Determined to reach Zanarakand. Determined to keep me alive once we get there. The duality of your task overwhelms me with dread and I fear for your beautiful, loving soul. Ah, my beloved, beautiful Auron, how your passion runs deep and drives your every action; be it your lovemaking or in the throng and din of battle. Keep all of the good memories close to your heart. I wanted to hold you tonight, to sooth your scars with kisses, to drive the terror from your heart with sweet and gentle passion but... So, my Beloved, I leave you with this; I love you with every shred of my being. Please know that I only desire your happiness. I would release you from your bond to me but I know that you would only be devastated and refuse your freedom. Be strong my dearest Auron. See me through to the end my beloved Guardian and know that I will always and forever be safely ensconced in your heart and not even Sin itself can perish me from that stout and venerable fortress.

Forever with all my love Braska/

Oh shit! I pushed the paper away as though it was a fiend and leaned heavily back into my chair. Yes, Jecht, you ignorant Shoopuff, you dumbass with the brain power of a Blitzball, you out of place, thorn in the sides of your companions...should've gone with your first reaction. My beloved means hands off. Damn! What have I gotten into? Jecht, Jecht, Jecht!

I 'd always known that there was something deeper between them besides the whole Summoner, Guardian thing. How much time had they lost with each other because of me? There's no-way that the Pup would've allowed Braska to be upfront with me about their relationship. Damn, I can picture the kid's cheeks goin red just thinking about me knowing. I gotta fix this. I gotta give them space. I gotta get my head screwed on straight and take responsibility for my lame ass so they can have some breathin' room. My head, damn the pounding! Braska's gonna die! Braska's gonna die! Braska's gonna die! Die! Damnit! Shit! Auron...the Pup...arrgh!!!

I hunched foward and leaned on the heavy wooden table, with my head in my hands, tears ran down my cheeks for the first time in uncounted years and I wanted desperately to go home. Home to the comfort of my wife, home to the comfort of cheering crowds, home to the light filled world of my Zanarakand. I wanted to keep the Pup, stiff bastard that he was, from feeling the pain and anquish of loss, the pain and anquish that filled my own heart each morning when I awoke, alone, in his world and not mine. I realized then that I loved him too. I wanted to spare him the pain. Me, Jecht, asshole of the universe cared. It was probably too late for my family, but not for the Pup. I looked to heavens and pleaded with a god that I didn't believe in. 'Yevon, Yevon spare the sorrowful bastard! Save his Summoner, his love, his life...Yevon, please on my death let them know peace!' The irony of the plea wouldn't become know to me for some time yet.

After a while I stood and with the letter in my trembling hand made my way downstairs. Braska sat on the large couch with Auron kneeling before him. The Pup was hunched over with his arms around his Summoner's waist and his head resting on the gentle healer's lap. Braska rhythmically stroked Auron's head and spoke to him in a calm, soothing voice. The Pup didn't seem to care that there were still a few folks at the bar, his grief was complete and only Braska's touch would console him. I cringed a bit when the Summoner looked up and met my eyes. Tears flowed freely down his soft cheeks. He raised a hand and motioned me foward. I held the letter out and he nodded silently, knowingly. Setting the letter on the couch I knealt down next to the Pup. I squeezed the back of his neck and then rubbed his bent shoulders with my hand. Leaning in I whispered in his ear.

"I won't let him be taken from you Pup. By all that's me I promise you Pup, you will not loose him. I swear it my friend. I swear it."

He shuddered beneath my hand and continued to quietly cry on Braska's lap. Standing, I looked at Braska, my face soft yet determined. Yevon, how I wished that they had just told me. I could've given them more space, how much time had they lost with their secrecy?

"Take him upstairs, Summoner. Love him well, take away his pain, make feel the goodness that is you. Heal his heart, heal his wounded soul, please kill the nightmares, my lord." I bowed as I'd seen Auron do a billion times and stepped back a bit. I'd never called Braska lord but right now it seemed fitting.

Braska nodded slowly and gently roused the Pup. Picking up the letter he wrapped his arm around Auron's slumped shoulders and guided him to the stairs. He turned back to me and with a nod softly spoke a thank you.

I returned to the room around mid-day to find the Pup peacefully asleep in Braska's arms. Despite a few days worth of stubble his face was incredibly child like. The small space was pungent with the musky odor of their passion. I put the supplies I'd bought on the small table. The fire had died down and the room held a chill. I took a heavy blanket from the extra bunk and carefully covered my two companions. Braska smiled a silent thanks. Finally, exhausted, I crawled into my bunk and pulled the thick blankets tight to my chin and watched them for a long while as my eyes grew heavier. Every so often Braska would lean in and kiss the Pup's cheek or forehead. His soft hands were constantly stroking and comforting the young Guardian as he slept. Love such as it is always sort of baffled me. I took it without giving in return. My wife and my son both left behind without the comforting memory of the love I should have shown them. The men on the bunk across from me were a guilty reminder of all that I had cast away without so much as a single tear. Until being tossed into this reality, this sad world, I 'd had no idea that what I felt for them was indeed love. Now, in my loneliness, I longed for my wife's embrace and the cold fury of my son's teary blue eyes. Fury wasn't love but at least, boy though he was, he was man enough to feel something toward me. I was the coward. No more though! If, and after last night the if seemed to grow large and threatening...if I make it back to my Zanarakand, I will hold them both tight to my chest and let the pounding of my grateful, overjoyed, love filled heart pound my apologies into their bodies.