Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Sedatives ❯ Sedatives ( Chapter 1 )

A/N: Hello there, dear sweet readers! This is something I found recently that I thought would make a good addition to the myriad of stories that I had posted previously. It is from some time ago, and I apologize that it has taken so long for me to get my rear in gear and update. It's just one thing or another with college and boyfriends and family…Well, anywhoo, enjoy!

 

Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or any of the characters

 

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He was silent. It was weird, the silence, in that kind of way that sends chills down your spine. His gorgeous eyes were downcast, as if he was lost in thought, which I'm sure he was. The light from the fire danced across his face, casting hypnotic shadows that danced softly to the tune of the crickets humming in the background. It was like a scene out of a movie; one where I wanted so badly to kiss him until I just died because I couldn't breathe anymore, but also one where he didn't realize, or in this case, didn't return my affections. I glanced away when I realized I was staring, feeling self conscious and guilty. I listened as he shifted slightly, and my eyes flickered back to him. I bit my lip and felt a slight blush heat my cheeks when I realized his eyes were trained on me. Seeing him sitting there, looking at me like that, made me want to cry, and I had to force the lump down that was forming in my throat. Sometimes it was so hard.

 

It's hard being friends with someone you've loved for a long time, and even harder when you finally confess how you feel, only to learn that your feelings are unrequited. It's hard for me to be here, in this moment with him, knowing that he'll probably never understand how I feel or return my feelings. It's times like these when I just want to tear my heart out and give it to him and demand what more he wants from me. What more can I do to make you love me?! That's what I want to yell at him. But I just look away, feeling stupid for thinking those thoughts. I don't want to force him to love me. Because, isn't true love one in which all you wish for is that the other person is happy? Well, at least that's the way it should be.

 

Unable to bear it anymore, I rise slowly to my feet, feeling his eyes on me. He hasn't said anything, and I don't expect him to. This trip has turned out to be the worst of my life. Exhausted, I motion to my tent.

 

“I'm just gonna call it a night,” I whisper quietly, still unable to meet his gaze. Without looking back, I slip inside my tent, grateful for the cool darkness that surrounds me. I slowly pull off my shoes, putting them beside my head, before crawling under the flap of my sleeping bag. As I lay my head on my pillow, I feel the first tear slide down my cheek. I can tell it's going to be a long night.

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I know I've been lying here for a long time, and I know I'm the only one still awake. I can hear the gentle sounds of Barrett and Cid's snores, and what I can see of Nanaki's tail through the flap of my tent stopped flipping some time ago. Vaguely wondering if it's safe, I rose from where I was lying, pulling on my boots hastily and quietly easing from the warmth and security of my tent. I was silent and careful as I stepped around the sleeping Nanaki, and I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I've broken into a run from the camp.

 

I ran for a long time, stopping only when I realized that my lungs were burning in agony, and that I can run no further because a small creek is hindering my path. By this point my mind is numb. I've run as far as I can, but the distance between us has done nothing to ease the ache that is forming in my chest. My knees went weak, and I collapsed as the first of my tears slipped silently down my cheeks. I felt my fists clench in the wet grass around me, the damp soil sliding under my nails, as I fight to hold the pain in; to keep my chest from splitting open and letting my heart tumble out. For a moment, as I hold my breath, I imagine that it's working, but soon I realize that it's not, and I clamped a hand over my mouth to stifle my agonized sob. For once, I'm glad my friends aren't here. Gradually, the feeling that I'm suffocating begins to ease, and the tears become slower, leaving me feeling lonely and empty. I took a few moments to gather myself as I wiped my face, knowing I'll have to return to my tent before the others wake. I can't let them know that Cloud's rejection of me has torn me into a million pieces.

 

Taking a deep breath, I lifted my head slowly, my eyes finding the shimmering surface of the creek in the moonlight. Slowly, I dragged myself to my feet, before kneeling before it. I started to dip my fingers into it, but I paused, seeing my reflection in the crystal water. I realized that, while my friends may never see it, sadness lurks in my hazel eyes. I drew a ragged breath, letting my gaze drift past my mirrored face to the stars that formed a halo around my head.

 

“If only I was a star,” I whispered, letting the tips of my fingers skim across the surface of the frigid water. “Then perhaps my beauty would be worthy of his notice.”

 

“If there is one thing that Cloud lives up to, it is his namesake.”

 

My heart lurched violently, and I shut my eyes tightly, fighting the urge to incapacitate the owner of the shadow that has fallen over me. I curled my fingers into fists in my lap, turning my head slightly. I should have known that even the darkness could not hide me from the shadow that lurks among my friends. I didn't need to look to know Vincent was standing behind me. I could feel his crimson gaze scorching my back as he waited patiently for my reply. I contemplated making him wait a long time, but eventually I sighed in defeat, knowing his patience is more abundant than mine could ever be. I turned my head slightly, enough to acknowledge his presence, but not enough to see him.

 

“What does that mean?” I asked, my voice a little testy.

 

His soft chuckle was like the murmur of the creek to my ears, and I fought the urge to shiver, as it made me feel cold. “He can't see you past himself,” he answered cryptically.

 

Confused, I turned to look at him, seeing him smirking slightly. I knew he could read the questions in my eyes, and I remained silent as I watched him walk towards me. He knelt beside me, and I turned my eyes back to the creek. I felt the need to say something, but words failed me as I stared at his reflection staring back at me. For some reason, my voice was stuck in my throat, and I couldn't tear my gaze from his. When I realized that I was staring, I wrenched my eyes from his quickly, feeling guilt and shame immerse me. I don't understand these emotions, and I gritted my teeth, hoping to still the trembling in my body.

 

“His heart is not his own,” Vincent said softly.

 

I closed my eyes tightly, feeling a tear slip down my cheek. “Don't you think I realize that?” I demanded quietly. I heard him shift slightly, and I glanced at him, feeling alarmed. I have not known the gunman very long, and the fact that he is sitting beside me, speaking more words to me than I've heard him speak since we met, is very disturbing. It is then, when I realized that he'd merely shifted to sit beside me, that I relax, and turn back to the creek.

 

“I wish I could be of more assistance,” he said softly. This time I looked at him. I mean really looked at him. Until this point, the only thing I'd seen of the man had been in passing, and I'd certainly never been this close. I'm not sure how to feel or respond as I bit my lip, taking in his deep crimson gaze, which is downcast and hidden amongst his bangs, and his pale ivory skin, which seems to glow in the full moon's light. The man next to me is more of a mystery to me and my companions than most of the things we've witnessed on our journey. I supposed he realized I was studying him, as his gaze rose slowly to meet mine. For a moment, I tried to hold it, but soon I realized I couldn't, and I blushed, looking away.

 

Trying to look into Vincent's eyes was like trying to look into the sun; they were beautiful and alluring, but if you looked too long, eventually you saw nothing. I supposed that was what made the man beside me so mysterious. How can someone so beautiful and unearthly be so empty inside? Once again, I felt guilty, realizing that I was trying to impose my notions and beliefs onto others. I couldn't equate what I knew to anything about Vincent. I realized that I only communicated with complex words and feelings, whereas Vincent could only be understood in ways that were more simplistic. If I was to understand him, I needed to learn to hear and to see and to understand, and as it was I was blind, deaf, and stupid.

 

After a moment, I drew another ragged breath. “Just the fact that you are here is enough,” I whispered. I glanced up cautiously when he hummed thoughtfully. I realized he was watching, and once again, our eyes locked. Even now, I'm not sure what passed between us at that moment, but when he looked away, I felt both whole and incomplete at the same time. I felt cold when he suddenly stood.

 

“Don't stay out too long,” he cautioned, before turning and fading into the shadows that had borne him. I can't say what it was that I was feeling, but at that moment, Cloud and his rejection were far from my mind. For a while I was frozen to my spot, but for a different reason. Without my knowledge or consent, the stoic, mysterious gunman had used the silence, the one thing I couldn't bear because of Cloud's frequent abuse of it, to soothe me. I knew that deep down, my heart was still hurting and bleeding, but at that moment, I felt no pain, and I realized that Vincent's silence had been my sedative.