[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

//Star-Light: Chapter 16//

//By Julie
//rated NC-17 for explicit sexual scenes
//yaoi content. Male/male having sex, getting each other off
//Parings: Squall/Seifer then Squall/Zell

//Disclaimer: Don't own them. But I wish I did - as do most normal people. But ONE DAY! they will be mine. Oh yes, they WILL be mine!!!

==================================

Esthar -Same Night, 11:27pm:

Squall lay flopped back on his bed, arms over his face, fully clothed. He wasn't tired, but he knew he had to get up early tomorrow.

He couldn't stop thinking about Zell. And downstairs with the news-reporters had been so boring. He tried to eat, but didn't manage much. Squall hadn't said anything at all. Even when reporters directed questions at him, which only happened 3 times after which they gave up, he never said anything. He didn't bother with their stupid questions.

But that wasn't so unusual. After all, Squall was Mr. Ice-Prick. Indifferent, solitary, cold, and quiet. Leonhart-less.

Someone opened the door to Squall's room, walking inside.

Squall looked over to see Seifer shut the door then pull his coat off, walking across the room, towards the bathroom.

Seifer? Squall asked.

Seifer didn't look at him, letting his coat drop, then pulling his shirt off, tossing it away.

Seifer...? Squall asked again, this time half sitting up on the bed.

Seifer walked into the bathroom. Squall heard the bathtub water turn on.

Pushing off the bed, Squall walked to follow Seifer. Reaching the bathroom, Squall watched Seifer drop his pants to the tile floor.

What are you doing here? Squall asked, leaning in the doorway, frowning at Seifer.

Seifer looked up at him, frowning back. "What?"

What are you doing? Squall thought, cocking his to the side.

Seifer smirked. "Cub..."

Squall continued to frown. What?

"You aren't speaking out loud," Seifer said, amused.

Squall's frown faded as he pushed off the doorway, standing tall. He blushed slightly.

Seifer smirked. "You didn't realize you weren't speaking out loud, did you?"

Squall crossed his arms, glaring at Seifer.

"Cub..." Seifer said, shaking his head, laughing lightly. Sighing he continued. "Kent and I broke up... so I'm staying the night here. That alright, Cub?"

Squall shrugged. "Whatever..."

He turned, about to head back to his bed but Seifer caught his wrist. Squall turned to look at the large blonde.

"Take a bath with me," Seifer said.

Squall stepped into the room, but faltered, quickly looking up into Seifer's eyes. Squall's eye widened very slightly, his lips parting.

"You don't want to," Seifer said in a soft sad voice, answering for Squall.

A small frown pinched Squall's eyebrows as he looked down to the steamy water filling in the tub. After a brief moment of watching the steam, Squall looked back up into the sky-blue eyes of the large blonde.

"How come?" Seifer asked.

Squall breathed. "...Zell."

Seifer shook his head. "How come Zell got to you? And I didn't?"

Thoughts escaped Squall. He couldn't think, let alone speak.

"What is it about him? What did he give you that I didn't?" Seifer asked, releasing Squall's wrist.

"I... don't - know," Squall said the only answer he could find within his mind.

"I can't believe it," Seifer said softly. "You like him, don't you? I mean, you actually like someone. ... Instead of just having them around."

Breathing was the only thing Squall could do.

"What is it about him?" Seifer asked again. "What does he have that I don't?"

Squall stepped to Seifer, putting his hands lightly on the large blonde's chest, closing his eyes. "Don't think I don't know - what you feel for me. I may be indifferent, but I'm not blind." Squall looked up, opening his eyes. "I don't know why that... kid was able to chip away even a small portion of my indifference."

Squall moved his hands up, wrapping them around Seifer's shoulders, hugging his friend.

Seifer was tense, unable to push Squall away like he wanted. He forced his arms around Squall, hugging back.

"I... like my life," Squall forced the words out.

Seifer didn't say anything.

"...Do you realize what its like... To not care if you lived in a card-board box or a mansion? To not care if you had any friends? To not care if someone loved you? To not care if your rich or poor or broke? To not feel anything? To not like yourself? or hate yourself...? To not think to care about anything you have?"

Seifer closed his eyes, pulling Squall closer. He always thought Squall choose to be indifferent. Thought it was how Squall preferred to live.

"I never wanted," Squall said softly, turning to look up at Seifer. "I never desired. Everything in my life just fell into my lap. And three weeks ago, I wouldn't have given a fuck if it slipped away. If I lost everything. It didn't matter. Hell, living didn't matter. Three weeks ago I would have felt... Psh! I wouldn't have felt."

"And you're saying you feel now?" Seifer asked, moving a hand to Squall's shoulder.

"I want," Squall said softly, his eyes burning into Seifer's.

Seifer pulled away from Squall to quickly turn off the bath water. He stood tall, looking at Squall again.

"How'd Zell do it?" Seifer asked. "How'd that little Chicobo make you want?"

Squall shook his head, rubbing his forehead. "I don't know. I don't know if I like it - not being indifferent to everything anymore..." He looked up to meet Seifer's gaze. "Seifer..."

Seifer shifted his stance. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

Seifer smiled a non-convincing smirk. It looked more sad then anything.

"I'm sorry because... three weeks ago," Squall spoke slowly, "I didn't even care that you were my friend. If you'd never spoken to me again, it wouldn't have mattered to me. You are my best friend, my only friend, and I wouldn't have thought twice about it if you didn't even look at me again."

It was Seifer's turn to only breathe.

"And now - I care," Squall said. "I like you being my friend. You are a great guy. And I feel bad. I'm sorry I don't want you for more. I'm sorry I never wanted you. But I would be... sad if you weren't my friend anymore. If you never spoke to me again. I'd miss you. Because... you honestly did help me. Made me enjoy things. Showed me everything there was in life to have. But I don't know what it is... that Zell has that you don't. I don't know what Zell gave me that you didn't. ... Maybe it was just time for me to stop being a jerk. Or maybe its one of those fate things. Who the fuck knows. All I can tell you is... Zell might have gotten to me, but he also showed me that you are a great guy - and I don't want to not be your friend."

Hyne, another record for Squall's speaking ability and depth of conversation.

Seifer put his hand on Squall's cheek, caressing with his thumb before pulling back. He looked down to the steamy water then back to Squall's cloudy eyes.

"Sit with me," Seifer said, nodding to the hot water.

A frown pinched Squall's forehead.

Seifer half smiled. "Clothes on." He looked down at himself, still dressed in his boxers, then back up to Squall. "Water's warm. We... can talk, still. Just relax with me. I need it."

Squall reached behind himself, closing the bathroom door, then shrugged off his coat.

Seifer smiled then turned to get into the bath.

Squall took his shirt off, tossing it to the tile floor. Kneeling down he started to untie his boots.

"Tell me about Chicobo," Seifer said softly, watching Squall.

Squall swallowed, looking up from his hands, letting them work on his boots absently. "I ... spoke with him earlier tonight." A small smile twitched on the side of Squall's mouth. "He asked me... how I was."

Seifer nodded.

"No one ever asked me that before," Squall said, looking back down to his boot, pulling it off then working on the other one. "Its a normal, every day question. Almost a required greeting, I think... No one ever asked me before, though." Squall took off the boot, standing up.

Looking up at Squall, Seifer frowned slightly. "That's ... funny. I can't believe I never asked you before."

Squall shrugged, sitting on the side of the tub, feet out on the tile floor. "My answer probably would have been Whatever."

Seifer laughed softly, half smiling a real smile.

Putting his hand under the water, Squall push his palm to Seifer's thigh. "Zell asked me if I looked forward to performing... I can't believe I actually do. And I think I always did. I enjoyed that part of my life... Even though I didn't realize it."

Seifer nodded. "You are different on stage. Like a part of you that you keep hidden comes out."

Squall's eyes glazed over as he fell into thought. Seifer watched him for a while before speaking.

"Cub?"

Squall meet the sky-blue eyes. Pulling his hand out of the water, Squall stood, then got into the tub (his leather pants still on), laying down so his back was pressed to Seifer's chest.

Seifer wrapped his arms around Squall's shoulders, holding him.

Silence filled the room.

"You... asshole," Seifer muttered, a sad frown on his face.

"And then some," Squall replied in all seriousness.

Seifer laughed a quiet, sad chuckle, breathing in the scent of Squall's hair.

"What else did you and Chicobo talk about?" Seifer asked.

"...He told me he didn't want me because I was Griever," Squall said slowly. "That my being a Super Star or having a lot of money didn't impress him. That it didn't make him want to be with me. ... I believe him."

Seifer stayed quiet, letting Squall continue. He wasn't about to interrupt the lion now that he was actually speaking and feeling.

"He said he didn't know what he was doing with me," Squall continued, not noticing Seifer's silence. "H-he couldn't sleep last night ... without me. He wants to be with me. But he doesn't know what he's doing. ... D-do you think he's afraid of me?"

"Yes," Seifer said softly.

Squall closed his eyes.

"Well... afraid you'll hurt him," Seifer continued the point. "Anyone would be stupid to not be afraid and protective of their emotions around you."

Squall moved his hand over the water, watching the rippling effect.

"Are you afraid?" Seifer asked.

Squall tensed, looked back to Seifer. "Afraid?"

"Of Zell... that he might not want you?"

Squall turned back to the water.

"Because... what if he didn't want you, Squall?"

Squall felt his breathing increase slightly. "But he does."

"How would you feel if he didn't?" Seifer pursued the question.

"I... don't know," Squall replied meekly.

"He's afraid. ... I was afraid. Are you?"

"I don't know." Squall felt his body shiver once, his eyes glazed over, resting on the steamy water.

"Do you want to hurt him?" Seifer asked.

"No!" Squall quickly replied, in a louder voice then normal.

"Are you afraid you'll hurt him?"

"I wouldn't hurt him!" Squall replied, crossing his arms together loosely.

"Are you afraid he'll hurt you?"

Squall frowned slightly, his eyes a little wider then normal. "Would he?" he asked, his voice airy.

"Its not a matter of if he would or wouldn't," Seifer explained. "Its a matter of what you would do, how you would feel if he did."

"What's that matter?" Squall asked, looking up to Seifer.

"If he rejected you, how would the rest of your life feel?" Seifer asked.

"Why are you asking me these questions?!" Squall said, sitting up quickly, turning his head to look back at Seifer.

"I'm trying to understand exactly what you feel. And, maybe, how come you feel... Exactly what Chicobo did to you," Seifer said, his eyes sad.

"He didn't do anything to me," Squall pushed.

"You rejected me for the first time since the day I meet you four years ago," Seifer said. "Because of him. ... How would you feel, Griever, if he rejected you?"

Squall turned away from Seifer, looking blankly at the tile wall. He searched his mind for the answer a number of times, always ending up in the same unknown place of his soul. "...Hurt."

Seifer put his hands on Squall's leather covered hips, pulling him back, then wrapping his arms around Squall's stomach.

"Great," Squall mumbled softly. "Now I'm afraid he'll hurt me..."

Seifer smiled at that. "Good. It means you actually care."

Squall eased back into Seifer's arms, the warm water rising as he slipped down.

Seifer kissed Squall's shoulder. "...Squall..."

"Um?" Squall replied.

"You are an asshole," Seifer said. "And you hurt me. But I should have been more careful around you, ne?"

Squall stayed quiet.

"Hyne knows I... love you," Seifer said, holding Squall tightly. "And I don't know how to feel about you and Zell. Oddly, I find some of it amusing... I am jealous of that little Chicobo. He did what I spent 4 years trying to do. He got to you, Squall. And he didn't even try. ... I wish I could understand what exactly goes on in your mind. ... Maybe it was time for you to stop being a jerk - like you said. Fuck, maybe it was fate or some stupid bullshit. ... I gave you everything I had... Chicobo didn't even try. You just... looked at him..."

Squall blinked, looking down to the large arms wrapped around him.

"...I honestly think he had you in that first moment you saw him... I remember your... anger. I found it amusing, of course," Seifer thought back to the moment at the large, old mansion over two weeks back. "...But I want to know, Squall. I really want you to tell me. I need to hear it from you... What does Zell have, what did he offer you - what did he give you - that I couldn't, didn't offer?"

Squall breathed, thinking it over. After a long moment of silence, Squall answered the only thing he could think of. "If you could only see... his eyes. Maybe you could understand why I feel. If you could see how blue his eyes can be when he looks at me. Maybe you would understand what I feel. ... There isn't any other way to explain it."

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// I know its weird I put Squall/Seifer in the bath together - Don't ask - I just wanted to do it. Got inspired by The Last Boy Scout - Bruce Willis movie from like 1990 or something.

~*~

// B/C someone said they didn't understand what's with the Seifer/Squall relationship, I've decided to write up a little explanation on what the hell is going on between those two and why Seifer is hurt over Squall being with Zell. -- This is a sum-up of things you should have sorta picked up from the story already...

~*~

Seifer and Squall's Relationship:

Imagine your ultimate desire. The person of your dreams. The one you thought you'd spend you life looking for and maybe would never find.

Now imagine you found this person. Your wet-dream. The embodiment of your desire. You found this dream.

Now imagine this person is willing to be yours. Completely yours for anything you want to do. Kiss, hug, fuck, hold hands with, touch, sleep in bed with. Have them hold you, and you hold them. You can have anything you desire from them. Anything.

Now imagine after having this person for two years (having sex with them for over one year), this person willing to a fault, doesn't really love you. They're indifferent. You realize that they are still willing to do anything for you, but they don't really love you. They don't have emotional bonding towards you. Or anything at all. They are still your wet-dream, the person you thought you'd spend you whole life searching for. And they let you have them. But they don't have emotions. They are hallowed out, occasionally finding it in themselves to smile.

Do you give up your hold over this person? When you are the only one they allow to touch them? When you are the only one who can have control over them? Do you give up hope that they will ever love you? Grow to love you? Grow emotions at all? Or do you let them go, leaving yourself heartbroken? Do you give up having them? Because they're indifferent? Because they don't feel? Or do you try to help them feel? Do you spend your life trying to make them feel something for you?

Because they only let you have them. You are in complete control over their actions. And, yes, they'll tell you they love you - if you want.

Do you give up your wet-dream?

~

If you don't give them up, are you stupid enough to just let yourself fall into love? Are you going to give your heart to someone who is indifferent?

Do you just keep your wet-dream? Trying your best to keep your heart from them, but still having them. Because you don't want to give them up. Because you don't want to never have them again. Because they are willing for you. They'll tell you they love you - if you want.

And you are the only one they'll ever let have them.

Doesn't that say something? Doesn't that mean something? Isn't there a chance for love? Or some emotional bond between you and your wet-dream? Isn't there something there?

But you can't just leave your heart open. You have to find someone who will truly love you back. So you date other people. But you still have your wet-dream. They're still there. They'll still tell you they love - if you want. They are under your control. And they don't care you are trying to find love somewhere else. They don't mind.

So you try to keep your heart from your wet-dream by finding someone else to give it to. Even though, without you realizing it, your wet-dream already has your heart. But you're fighting it. Because they don't love you, not really. They don't care at all.

They have no emotions. But you have control over them. And they are yours. Willing to a fault.

~

Imagine now, you've had your wet-dream for almost 4 years. Trying not to wear your heart on your sleeve. Trying to control the relationship. Having other people as a barrier between your emotions and the person you desire.

You aren't stupid. You know they don't feel for you. But you can't help hope. You can't help search for something there. They are yours only, after all. They only let you control them. Doesn't that say something?

~

Now imagine your wet-dreams found someone else. And after only knowing this other person for less then a week, your dream begins to grow a heart. They begin to feel. Not to any extreme - not to love - but definitely growing something there.

Your wet-dream likes someone. And it isn't you. After spending 4 years of your young life, trying with everything you had to make them feel for you. Trying to show them how to feel - your wet-dream meets another person briefly then s/he feels.

Your wet-dream. That was solely yours. That was under your complete control. That only gave themselves to you. That was completely willing to say "I love you" - if you wanted them to. Your wet-dream, that was indifferent to everything you tried to do for them. Indifferent to your love.

And someone else, in a brief breath of time, not even a week, this other person stole your wet-dream. Took your control away. Took from you everything you ever wanted in another person. Took your heart out and smashed in on the pavement.

~

How do you feel?

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// Good enough explanation on where Seifer's coming from? -- Hopefully you guys understood that. If not, just accept their relationship with the simple fact Seifer wants Squall, hurt b/c Squall wants Zell...