Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Don Chronicles: Rise to Power ❯ One-Shot

The Don Chronicles: Rise to Power

The short, portly man waited patiently in the waiting room of the Shinra HQ. Actually, he wouldn't normally have been so patient, but he had a "naughty" magazine with him to pass the time.

"Woo-hoo!" he cried out as he turned the page, completely forgetting where he was. "There's a nice chickie! Show a little more skin there, an' I'll never get tired of looking at YOU! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Woo-"

By this time everyone in the room had stopped what they were doing and were now staring at him. The man however was completely oblivious to their shock and would have gone on complimenting the magazine, but the receptionist decided it was time to intervene.

"Excuse me?" she said, gingerly touching the man's shoulder. "Mr. Corneo, the Head of Public Safety Maintenance said he would see you now."

Don Corneo was now staring at the woman's two…um…let's just say earrings…and it took a moment for this to sink in.

"Oh yes, of course!" he cried out as he jumped up, so excited he knocked his precious magazine to the floor, showing its pictures to the other occupants of the room. (Some of whom were disgusted, some of whom studied it with immense interest.) "But I thought good ol' Shinny would see me! After all, it IS a business meeting THIS time."

"I see…" the receptionist said, trying not to imagine what this man and President Shinra had been doing the last few times they'd met. "But I think this meeting will suit your needs. Mr. Heidegger is a very capable…if obese…man."

"HEIDDY!" Corneo shouted, waving his arms in the air. "Good buddy Heiddy, from high school! I must see him!" With that, he bolted into the meeting room, to the secretary's (and the perverts who wanted the magazine's) relief.

Actually running into the door at first, Corneo was surprised to find he had knocked it from its hinges. He shrugged, then turned to the desk and the front of the room.

Another short, fat man sat there. This one's face was completely hidden by a huge mass of tangled black beard. (In high school, he and Corneo used to sneak pet barracudas to class in it.)

However, this Heidegger looked different, at least to Corneo's eyes. Heiddy looked- if possible- even fatter, and he was wearing a green suit. Corneo remembered learning in high school that fat men weren't supposed to wear green suits. It made them look like watermelons.

At any rate, it was still the same old school chum Corneo expected to see. What he did NOT expect, however, was the sight of three men in navy blue suits (total rip-offs of the Navy) standing around Heidegger's desk. One had red hair, one had black hair, and one had no hair.

"I use Rogaine," Don found himself offering to the bald one. "It doesn't work."

The man drew himself up indignantly, but Heidegger waved him back down. "Easy, Rude. Remember- FIRST ask the questions, THEN shoot."

Rude nodded. He had long (?) past experiences when he had almost gotten himself fired by killing the victim, then demanding to know where their hideout was.

"So, Don," Heidegger was saying. He took a small package from a drawer in his desk as he talked. "What is it this time?"

Don, however, had lost all his purpose. Staring longingly at what the package had concealed, now revealed to be a sort of cake, he asked, " Can't I have some? Pretty pretty please with naked chickies on top and-"

"NO!" Fiercely Heidegger protected it. But at the sight of Corneo's pleading eyes, he sighed and opened his desk drawer again. Drawing at another package, he tossed it to Corneo.

Lard Cakes

(Pedigreed lard filled with a rich, creamy mixture including wholesome butter, Crisco, and more lard! Appropriate for gluttons everywhere!)

"Wow," he said, impressed. "Where do you get these?"

"Palmer's my supplier," Heidegger boasted. "He keeps me in stock."

Eager for more, Corneo grabbed a fistful of the lard cakes, but Heidegger grabbed his arm.

"Easy! I've only got 244 left, and Palmer's not getting another shipment in till 4:00!"

"Wow, can we make love?" Rude asked.

"Yes, yes, yes," said Corneo.

Then they died.

(Apologies for my brother's interference)

Anyway, the red-headed man with the smirk glanced at the black haired man. He received a slight nod in reply, then spoke.

"Sir, though this conversation has been highly…enlightening...us Turks, at least, have BUSINESS to attend to." He saying, he smirked again and elbowed Rude.

"Would that be more beers to drink, Reno?" the girly-looking black-haired man said conversationally.

"Why…yes, Tseng," Reno answered, looking slightly surprised. "Why?"

"Because I think I'll join you."

"ME!" Rude roared.

Reno looked at him. "What's with you, Rude?"

"FUGIN IMATATION!"

(Note: You'd get it if you played FF8. There's a freaky girl in it who talks like that.)

Heidegger mumbled something in his beard, then turned to Corneo again. "Well, Reno has a point, Don. Have a seat."

Jumping up and down with excitement at the offer, Corneo practically crushed the chair as he flew into it. Reno looked like he was trying to restrain himself from guffawing, then whispered something in Rude's ear. Rude promptly punched him in the face.

"OW!" Reno shouted, rubbing his nose. Tseng rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Instead, he flicked the other two off.

"Before you eat all my lard cakes, you may as well tell me what you want," Heidegger said. "GYAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Gyahaha-" Corneo started to agree, but stopped when Heidegger held up a hand.

"Shut up. Only I get to do the dumb-ass laugh."

"Sorry," Corneo said, then changed the subject. "Anyway, I came to ask a favor."

"Anything for my old buddy," Heidegger grinned. "What can I do for you?"

"Make me mayor of Wall Market."

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!" Heidegger roared, turning purple. He slammed a meaty fist on the desk, causing Reno to jump into Rude's arms. Rude promptly dropped him, then started giggling hysterically. After a moment, Reno joined in.

The already dark violet shade of Heidegger's face went even darker at the annoyance. "QUIET!" he screamed, the veins in his neck popping out.

The two men immediately hushed.

"NO! I REFUSE!" Turning on his heel, Heidegger stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Don was left in a very embarrassed silence with the three Turks. Tseng coughed, then cleared his throat. Reno climbed to his feet, but was suddenly attacked by the giggles again.

"Hey…Rude…" he managed to get out. "I think Heiddy looked about to explode!"

At this, Rude started laughing too. They were interrupted by Tseng's fist slamming on the desk. Once again, Reno jumped into Rude's arms. Once again, Rude dropped him. Once again, they started giggling.

Tseng slammed the desk again, harder. That shut them up.

"The two of you are an embarrassment to the company," he stated calmly. "From here on, no more beer."

At this, Rude, (even his bald head) turned white. Reno turned redder than his hair. The two were obviously horrified.

"But, Boss-" Rude started.

"Sh!" Tseng said.

"We'll-"

Sh!"

"But-"

"Sh!"

"Look, if you-"

"Sh!

"We promise-"

"Sh!"

"But…but…"

"I've got a whole bag of shit here with your name on it!" Tseng said menacingly.

At this, the two Turks started giggling again.

"Sh!" Tseng growled. "I meant 'Sh!', not shit!"

Remembering the seriousness of the situation, Reno shut up and fell to his knees. Rude copied him and the two began bowing to their leader as if he was a god.

"Assay, Missiah, Assay-"

"SHUT UP! NO BEER!"

Reno wrung his hands and looked up, his eyes filling with tears. "I'll be good, I promise!"

"No."

"Aw, come on!" he whined.

"No."

"I'll be your friend!"

"No."

"Oh, you're mean."

Turning his back on them, Tseng left the room.

The other two Turks promptly burst into tears.

"It's…*sob*…not…*hiccup*…FAIR!" wailed Reno.

"He's SOOOOOOO mean!" Rude sniffled.

Don Corneo, who had been forgotten, cleared his throat. The two men instantly jumped to their feet.

"Um…" Reno shuffled his feet.

"We were just…"

"…practicing…"

"…our…acting…"

"Maybe we can help each other," Corneo said, trying very hard to look business-like and failing miserably.

Reno, however, immediately shook his head. "No way! I'm not sleeping with you, not even for beer!" He paused. "Well, maybe just once."

Rude smacked his partner upside the head, then turned to look at Don. "Your point?"

"Weeeeeeeell…I want power, and you want…?"

"A life!" Reno proclaimed. Once again Rude smacked him, almost knocking the skinny Turk out. "I mean, beer!"

"So…?" Corneo prompted.

"Um…" Rude looked at Reno.

"Um…" Reno tried to think, then snapped his fingers. "Sixty!"

"What?"

For the third time Reno was smacked.

"Okay, okay!" Don decided he would have to explain. "You make everyone in Wall Market submit to me, and I'll give you alcohol!"

"Yeah…" Reno said thoughtfully. "But I've got just ONE question."

"Yeeeeeeees?"

"Whadda WE get out of it?!"

Don jumped up and down, waving his arms. "B-E-E-R!"

Reno scratched his head. Rude started counting on his fingers, then put up a hand.

"Yes, Rude?"

"Mr. Corneo, I don't have enough fingers."

Corneo exhaled through his nose. "I'll give you beer."

Immediately the two started rejoicing.

"Whoopee!"

"Take that, Tseng!"

"DOWN WITH SOBERNESS!"

"So, we have a deal!" Don clapped his pudgy hands together with glee.

"Sure-" Rude started to say, but Reno cut him off.

"WAIT just one minute."

"What is it?"

Reno had a maddeningly superior look on his face. "What do WE get out of it?"

In answer, Don grabbed a pen and paper and laboriously printed four letters. "What does this say?"

"B-E-E-R," Rude spelled out. "Beer."

"It's the only word I can spell," Reno admitted.

"Then how come you couldn't spell it before?"

There was a pause.

"……….SHUT UP!"

Don handed the paper to Rude, smiling. "That answers your question, anyways. Any other questions?"

Both men raised a hand.

"LOOK at your paper."

"Oh, right, right."

Again Don clapped his hands. "WOO-HOO!" He decided to make himself look sexy by launching into a belly dance. "WOO-HOO!"

The two Turks jumped on the desk and began dancing themselves.

"Woo-hoo!"

"Beer fest!"

"Never be sober again!"

The door creaked open and Vice President Rufus stepped in. "Heidegger, I need-"

He stopped dead at the sight. "Oh, my God…" Blessing himself fervently, he ran from the room.

"WOO-HOO!"

Disclaimer: All characters/places property of Squaresoft. Although I'd love to keep Reno and the other Turks for myself, they can have Don Corneo.