Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The one I wanted ❯ Part 1 ( Chapter 1 )

"The one I wanted"

Part 1

Author's Note: I decided to try something a little different with my writing style with this story. It's experimental, but it should make character's thoughts more clearly defined to the reader. Thoughts are put in "~" symbols.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, nor do I make money from this.

He had been dating Rinoa steadily for seven months…ever since the defeat of Ultimecia, and tonight, he intended to take her out to dinner. She deserved it, for putting up with him, and he felt unreasonably guilty, though he didn't understand why. She was clearly touched by the gesture, considering how little time Squall had for her lately. When he met up with her at the dorm room she stayed in, he couldn't help but wonder why he wasn't breathless at her beauty.

Her slender body was dressed in a red dinner gown, which had an alluring slit all the way up one side and revealed a tantalizing amount of leg and thigh when she moved. Her black hair was piled in coils on top of her head, and Squall knew that she must have spent hours arranging it. Her dark, luminous eyes were sparkling with happiness, and her soft lips were shiny with pink gloss.

She was stunning…gorgeous. He knew this, and yet he could feel nothing for her beyond a faint stirring of appreciation for her beauty. They took the convertible that he had only bought a week ago, and they drove to the nearby town of Balamb. He took her to the Beachside restaurant, where he had made dinner reservations. They ate and chatted about mundane things, and Squall found himself unable to relax. Rinoa's eyes held a promise, and she often took his hand in hers as they enjoyed their dinner.

Squall knew what was coming. She had hinted at it more than enough times for him to guess what all these subtle touches were leading to. He tried to keep the subject of their dinner conversation away from anything that had to do with intimacy, but Rinoa wasn't deterred in the least.

When they returned to the Garden that night, Squall walked her to her room and gave her a polite kiss goodnight. Rinoa didn't allow him to pull away. She cupped the back of his head and deepened the kiss, brushing her tongue over his lips. He let her, because it was normal for a couple to kiss that way. He kept telling himself that, but for some reason, it didn't feel right. It felt awkward and wrong.

Then she broke the kiss and said exactly what he was afraid of. "Stay with me tonight, Squall. I'm ready."

Well, she might be, but he wasn't. Against his better judgement, he followed her into the room. They sat upon the narrow bed and began kissing again, and with youthful hesitation, they began to explore one another's bodies. Squall was ashamed to find himself not the least bit turned on, despite the fact that he had been waiting for this moment for so long.

As Rinoa whispered to him and unbuttoned his dinner jacket, he realized with bitter certainty that he wasn't going to be able to go through with this. He just didn't want her, that way.

"Rinoa, we have to stop," he said evenly, capturing her wandering hands in his.

"What's the matter? Don't you want to?"

He stared into her confused, hopeful eyes, and he felt wretched. "I thought I would," he explained as gently as possible, "but something's wrong about this. I…I just don't feel the way I should. I can't do it."

She pulled back and stared at him, and he could see the pain and humiliation that she tried to hide. "Why didn't you break things off before they got this far, if you don't feel something for me?" Her voice was thick with emotion.

Squall shrugged helplessly. "I don't know. I guess I thought that my feelings would get stronger as we went along." He didn't know what to say, and he was still learning how to communicate his feelings with others. He had never been one for talking about his emotions.

"Rinoa, I really thought you were the girl for me," he tried to articulate, "I do care about you, and I thought if I gave it a chance, I could care even more. I mean, any guy would kill for a chance to go out with you. So…so that's why I can't do this, now. I'm too fucked up to deal with my feelings, I guess. Maybe I just can't feel those things that people are supposed to feel when they're with someone they care about, I don't know."

He looked at her, expecting to see anger on her face. He wasn't disappointed. However, there was more than anger in her expression-there was also a suspicious, thoughtful look.

"Squall, were you ever even attracted to me?"

"Yeah," he said quickly…too quickly. "You're beautiful."

Rinoa shook her head. "I didn't ask if you thought I was pretty. I asked if you were attracted to me. Big difference."

He grimaced and tried to think of how to answer the question without hurting her more than he already had. She read the truth in his eyes, however.

"I see." She sighed and looked down at her lap. "It's partly my fault. I threw myself at you, every chance I got. Maybe you just went out with me because everyone expected you to. You always do what you're told, don't you Squall?"

He reddened and opened his mouth to speak, but Rinoa interrupted. "No…don't. Maybe that wasn't fair of me, but I'm mad at you for leading me on. I think you should leave now, Squall. I…I don't want to lose your friendship, but I can't look at you, right now." A slow drip of tears was falling from her concealed face, into her lap.

He considered her for a moment, then nodded and moved to comply. When he reached the door, he stopped. Without looking back, he said; "Rinoa, I did want this to be real. I thought you were the girl for me."

Her next words sunk into his mind like the fangs of a poisonous viper. "I know that, Squall. I wonder if, maybe, there is no girl for you. Goodnight."

~********************~

Squall Leonhart grimaced as he took another swallow of the strong drink he had ordered. It was two-thirds bourbon, and the splash of cola added wasn't mellowing the bite much. Nearly three months had come and gone since the night he and Rinoa broke up, and instead of feeling relief, he only felt more confusion.

~ Maybe I'm trying too hard ~

He scanned the crowd in the Nightclub with narrowed, gray eyes and frowned. He was almost desperate to have a normal life, and Rinoa's parting words to him plagued him. They had spoken and remained friends since the breakup, but both were still awkward around one another. Every time he saw her, those words dug into his brain. "What if there is no girl for you?"

~ What if she's right? What if I'm just not cut out for this relationship stuff? ~

He was staring absently into the crowd, when a few familiar faces came into sight. Squall groaned. Couldn't they stop following him for one damn night? He sighed and turned around, hoping that they wouldn't see him. Since the breakup, his friends had grown concerned about him, claiming that he was drinking too much. Selphie was stationed at Trabia Garden, and Irvine had gone to Galbadia Garden last week on an assignment…so that was two less people to bother him. Still, Rinoa had managed to convince Quistis and Zell that Squall needed babysitting. After finding him passed out, halfway through the door of his dorm room, she told them that something was really wrong, and now the three of them haunted his footsteps and tried to drag him out everytime he went to a bar.

"I knew we'd find you in here," Quistis' voice said authoritatively in his ear, and he sighed and glanced at her.

"What now? Do they need me for another mission?"

The three conspirators glanced at each other, then back at Squall.

"Nah, we just figured you'd be at the same place you've been every night, man," Zell said with a frown. "Come on, Squall…what's with you? It's not like you to drink so heavily."

That was true, at least. Squall was forced to admit that before things went downhill with Rinoa, he rarely ever touched a drink. He shrugged. "I'm fine."

Rinoa's dark eyes were worried as she slid onto the empty stool next to his and tried to make him look her at her. "Don't lie, Squall. Something's been eating you up for a long time, and I'm not arrogant enough to think it's our breakup. Talk to us. You promised you'd start communicating with us instead of just holding everything in."

Tired of constantly being the subject of their concern, Squall snapped; "I said I'm fine! I just want to have a little time to myself, without you guys trying to analyze everything I do! Can't a guy just have a drink in peace?"

Quistis pressed her lips together. "Obviously, you can, but you're having several drinks, every night. It's not healthy, and you don't know when to quit." She crossed her arms over her chest and waited for him to respond. When he just snorted and took another drink, she sighed. "Fine…you're obviously walling yourself in again. If you need us, we'll be nearby. I've got a responsibility to SeeD to monitor any destructive behavior…especially if the person in question is of your rank."

"So you're going to report me now? For what…having a life of my own?" Squall was quickly losing patience, and his knuckles whitened as he squeezed the glass in his hand.

Quistis didn't flinch or back down. Her eyes were cool as she nodded. "If I have to. If it looks like your behavior could jeopardize the people under your command. You know as well as I do, Squall…it's nothing personal. I'm hoping that you'll talk to someone and get this problem under control before it turns into something that I have to bring to the attention of the Headmaster." With that said, she motioned to Zell and Rinoa, and the three of them left him alone.

He glared at them as they took up residence at the other end of the bar…just far enough away to honor his demands without letting him out of their site. Zell shrugged at him apologetically, as if saying, "Sorry man…what can I do?"

Squall shook his head and ordered another bourbon and cola.

~******************~

"Hey, hey! Xu told me you guys would be here."

Quistis smirked at Irvine Kinneas as he took nudged passed some people and joined them at the bar. "Welcome back."

"I still can't believe they built a nightclub in here," Irvine said, tipping his hat in his patented way of waving hello to people. The nightclub had been added on to the Garden about six months ago, albeit reluctantly. Headmaster Cid and Edea had agreed to the requests of several graduates, mainly because they knew that people would go somewhere else for a drink if they had to. The philosophy was that they would rather their SeeDs drink in the relative safety of the Garden, where they wouldn't have to worry about transportation and possibly getting into accidents. Security was tight, and two students had already been suspended for trying to get in with fake I.D.s.

"It wasn't a bad idea," Quistis reflected. "Cid was just getting tired of having to send people out to find graduates every weekend when he had a task that needed to be done. At least this way, they're all in the Garden."

Irvine nodded. "Yeah, I agree. Just didn't expect it of him. Galbadia Garden's had a nightclub for years, now."

"I think it's stupid," Rinoa said crossly.

Irvine grinned at her. "But, you're sitting there having a daiquiri."

She flushed. "I know, but unlike some people, I only intend to have one. This nightclub just encourages people to drink their problems away."

Irvine caught on quickly, and his smile faded. "So I guess you guys aren't here for partying. Where's he at?"

Zell jerked his head in the direction opposite from where they sat, and Irvine followed the motion and shook his head. "Hasn't gotten any better, has he? I don't get it…if he doesn't feel anything for Rinoa, why did he start beating himself up this bad after they broke up?" He muttered this to Zell, not wishing for Rinoa to hear it and get upset. Irvine sympathized with Squall totally, though he didn't really understand what was going on in the young commander's head. When Selphie turned him down, he thought he was going to die of depression. However, looking at Squall, Irvine had to admit that he handled his own woman problems a lot better than he had first thought.

"I don't get it either," Zell replied, trying to pitch his voice over the music so that Irvine would hear, without Rinoa catching the conversation. "Nobody acts like that over someone they didn't care about. But hey, you know Squall. He could be dying of cancer, and he'd never talk to anyone about it."

Quistis overheard some of their conversation, and she leaned over and fixed Irvine with a thoughtful stare. "He might talk to you, though."

"Huh? How do you figure?"

She ran her fingertips over the cool glass of Champaign that sat before her, and her blue eyes were unfocused. "I think, out of all of us, he feels most at ease around you. I could be wrong, but you just don't seem to put the pressure on his shoulders that the rest of us do."

"Maybe that's because I haven't gotten into his business," Irvine said dryly. He dodged a punch that Rinoa threw at his arm and held his hands up defensively, "Hey, easy! I'm just saying, he's got a lot of weight to carry, and I think we should just lay off and let him work things out. I'm done trying to influence people. I think we should just leave him alone and see what happens." He remembered that it was partly his fault that Squall and Rinoa had gotten together, and something inside told him that things might have been different if so many people weren't throwing the couple at one another.

"But this time, his `business' could affect his actions, and you know how important it is for him to have a clear head," Quistis argued. "I hate doing this, but he's going down a self-destructive path, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to bring it to Cid's attention if he doesn't slow down."

Irvine furrowed his brow and looked helplessly from Quistis to the young man on the other side of the bar. "Think it'll come to that?"

"It might. I know it's not fair to him, but I've got my duties too, Irvine. I can't let his personal dilemma's risk other SeeDs, no matter what the reason is."

Irvine took his hat off and sighed, running his fingers through his thick, auburn hair. "Jeez…all right…let me talk to him. I can't promise I'll crack him any better than you did, but I don't want to see the poor guy get demoted."

"Maybe he wants to get demoted," Zell said ominously.

"Bullshit. He just wants to be left alone."

They all looked up at him, and Irvine sighed again and replaced his hat. "Okay, I'm going. Quit acting like a bunch of vultures, will ya?"

~*********************~

-To be continued