Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Purloined Hair Materia ❯ Prologue- Sha~yy There Liddle Lady ( Prologue )

The Purloined Hair Materia

Prologue- "Sha~yy there liddle lady."

"Hello there. The name's Flame, Reno Flame. I'm a Private Eye, and this is my office. Y'know, some people would say that this is just a place of business, but I prefer to think of it as home, I'm here almost 24/7.

Now you're probably asking, Reno, why are you at work so often? I'll tell you why.

Because I don't have any social life, and I love my job. I'll give ya three reasons."

"Reason #1, I'm paid to stick my nose in other people's business.

Reason #2, I get to use a gun.

And reason #3, consuming alcohol as often as you can is one of the requirements."

I know it may seem like an empty life, no wife or children, few friends, but it's the kind of life I'd always dreamed of…. or so I thought, until a couple of days ago. Now that, my friends, is where my story begins

FLASHBACK.

"It was a day just like any other day. I was sitting in my office loading my Ruger GP 100 with bullets, and loading myself with whiskey.

"After three hours had gone by, (and three bottles of whiskey had been consumed), I was sitting there (in a drunken stupor), at my desk (well, actually under my desk). I had just started to notice how beautiful my feet were, when suddenly, I noticed something strange.

"Shay, I dun rememma sha~aaving my legs thish morrrning."

"I reached out to admire the smoothness of my `handiwork', when I suddenly received a sharp kick to the face. The force of the kick rocked my head back hard enough to hit it against the desk".

"Oww~ww", I whined, and was about to retaliate until I saw who had struck me.

She was easily one of the most beautiful ladies I'd ever seen. Her face was small, round, with a delicate chin. Her hair was a golden blonde, which was parted to the right and wrapped in a simple braid, but her most beautiful feature of all, was her sparkling, ruby red eyes.

"WOW"! I exclaimed, then made to stand up, which proved to be a mistake, considering that I was still under the desk".

*BONK!*

"AARRGGHH"! By this time I was getting reeaaly tired of that, and was about to start beating on the desk, until I remembered the presence of the lady.

Still drunk, I had already completely forgotten about the lumps on my head (and it didn't feel any different anyways, considering my hangover). Also, it had never occurred to me that this might be a client. All I was concerned with at first was asking her out".

"Sha~yy there liddle lady, would yoo like to go out wit me hmmmm?" I said, giving her a mischievous smile. Then suddenly, she dashed right past me, which caused me to whirl around, and land on the floor. Slowly picking myself back up, I saw that she had gone to the window, and was peeking out.

Hobbling up to her while she was peering outside, I continued hitting on her.

"Gee *hic* laaady, wash da rush, why dun ya stay a liddle whii~ile, an havadrink"? She completely ignored my question, and motioned for me to be silent.

After she had finished looking through my window, she dashed to my closet and looked in there. Then, when she was done in there, she dashed to my gun drawer. Back and forth she went, from one corner of the room to the other. By the time she had finished searching through every possible nook and cranny, I had become completely sober (which, needless to say, was quite a long time). Then she came up to me, and asked.

"Is there anybody else here"?

At first I was so dumbfounded by the stupidity of the question, I didn't know how to answer. So, I decided to make light of it.

"I wouldn't know, considering that you're the one who's checked everywhere including my sock drawer, why don't you tell me."

NARRATION STOPS.

She ignored the sarcastic tone in his voice, and replied, "I have a case."

"We have bellboys for that", Reno said with even more derision. (Rim shot *Bu-Dum CHhhh~* )

She stared at him as if he was the living incarnation of stupidity, and then replied, in an irritated voice, "No, I mean a job".

"Oh, well, in that case why don't you just sit down, and tell me all about it." She sat down in a chair, while Reno took out a pencil and pad. "Alright, first I need a little information."

"Okay", she said.

"First, your name?"

"Elena."

"Mm hmm, nice name. Um, could you turn your head to the left please"?

"Why"? She asked.

"No reason, I just need to analyze something".

Elena was skeptical, but she complied.

"Thank you, now can you tell me your address?" Reno said, while starting to jot down on the paper.

"509, Midgar, Sector 5." She replied, wondering why he needed all of this information.

"Yeah, and your phone number?"

"It's 576… "What do you need to know all of this for?" Elena blurted out.

Reno tried to think of a quick excuse. "I um uh, ahem, so I can contact you whenever something new comes up."

"Yeah right, let me just tell you about the job, okay?" She said, while ripping the paper from his pad. After she took the paper away, she noticed something, "Hey! This is a sketch of me! …You're really pathetic, you know that"?

"Well, you can't blame a guy for appreciating great beauty". He said, in an innocent voice.

"Yes I can. Anyways, can I please tell you about the job?"

"Go right ahead". Reno said, trying to hide the embarrassment he felt about her seeing the sketch he made of her.

"Okay then, it all started yesterday morning".

FLASHBACK FROM THE FLASHBACK.

(Elena narrating) "My boss Tseng, my partner Rude, and I, were all sitting in the café on the 68th floor of the Shinra building, each of us with our own personal favorite selection of coffee."-

"Elena, could you pass me a biscotti?" Asked Tseng, while taking a sip from his cappuccino.

(Elena thinks- *Me, he asked ME to do something for him!* )

"Sure!" She was about to get up and do as Tseng requested, when suddenly a scream of primal rage shook the very foundations of the Shinra building-

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

The scream was so thunderous that it shattered every bit of glass on the top ten floors. It also startled Elena, causing her to spill her coffee on Tseng's lap.

"Tseng! Oh I'm so sorry!" Exclaimed Elena, in a sincere voice, while trying to clean off Tseng's lap with a napkin.

Tseng replied, while also trying to wipe himself off, "That's ….alright." (Thinks- *She's so callow. Well, never mind about inviting her for a date tonight… Ditsy blonde!* )->.< Oh, she'll never know how close she came-.

Standing up from his chair, Rude (Yes he talks) queried, "What was that?"

No sooner had Rude finished his sentence than President Rufus came bursting through the stair doors so hard that they were thrown from their hinges. He then calmly, complacently marched toward the Turks.

Elena threw down her napkin, and then stood at attention adjacent with the other two Turks.

Once Rufus came within about ten feet of the Turks, Elena thought she noticed something different about him, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it.

Once Rufus stood next to the three Turks, standing stiff as boards, he said wrathfully- "Tseng."

"Yes sir?" He responded with severe dread in his voice, for the President only used that tone when he was extremely ticked.

Right after the words left Tseng's mouth, Rufus grabbed Tseng by the throat, and hauled him three feet into the air. Elena and Rude were so shocked, that they could only stand there in consternate silence, and watched.

After Rufus had Tseng dangling in the air for a while, he hissed. "Where is it?"

"Where is what, Sir?" Tseng coughed, staunched from oxygen.

"YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT, DON"T PLAY IGNORANT WITH ME!" Rufus seethed, while tightening his grip. "You stole my mastered hair materia! It took me years to master that, and I want to know where it is RIGHT NOW!"

Now Elena realized what was different about Rufus. This was the first time she had seen him without his hair combed!

"I didn't *gasp* take it *erk* sir. *Wheeze*. Said Tseng, who was turning blue in the face by this time.

"Oh really… Then why does your hair smell suspiciously like Costa Del Sol Ocean Breeze?" Rufus said, in a suspecting tone.

(Tseng, almost unconscious at this point) "Because *erk* I have a mastered hair materia *cough* as well. But I didn't take yours, I swear!"

Rufus narrowed his eyes at Tseng, and then dropped him, leaving him gasping for air on the floor. Then he said, "In that case, some rouge has infiltrated the building, stolen my hair materia, and then left completely undetected."

Tseng barely found the strength to come to his feet, and attempted to stand at attention with the other two.

Once Tseng was lined up, Rufus continued. "Now, you are going to find this person, then bring him here under custody. Is that clear?" He said in a cool voice.

Rude spoke up (Again! Wow!), "…Excuse me, Sir?"

"Yes, Rude"? Said Rufus, turning to face Rude.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to share Tseng's?" Rude said, regretting the question as soon as it was uttered.

Rufus seriously considered shooting Rude in the foot for the remark; for one thing, the great Rufus Shinra does not "share", and for another thing, how dare this Yule Brenner wannabe interrupt him with such a foolish suggestion. But, after a brief moment of deliberation, he discarded the thought, and replied, "No Rude, it would not, because this is not a mere matter of just the materia, it's a matter of principle. Think about it, if news of the theft leaked out, and the citizens discovered that the perpetrator went unpunished, then they would believe that they could just sneak in here, and back out, without any apprehension of punishment. Therefore, you will bring this criminal to me IMMEDIATELY, so he can be publicly executed as an example, and then Hojo will have the corpse as a new specimen to play with. In the meantime, Tseng, I am "taking" your hair materia".

Rufus made to leave, until he noticed that the Turks were sitting back down.

Turning to them, he asked, "What do you think you are doing?

"Well, sir, can't we finish our coffee break first?" Elena answered. Her voice was trembling with terror.

Rufus simply stood there for a moment, glaring at them like an apparition, right into the very depths of their souls, making them feel worse trepidation then any of them could have ever fathomed even possible. After Rufus had glowered at them enough to make them break down in tears, he let out a savage cry.

NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

The next thing the Turks felt was pain. Flying across the room, into the stairwell, and falling down all 68 floors. (OW! O.< OUGH >.O OWCH! >.<)

Once they had landed in a heap at the bottom, they heard a shrill voice from the floor they had just descended exclaim-

"NOT ONE SECOND OF "TIME OFF" UNTIL THE PERPETRATOR HAS BEEN DISCOVERED!" Rufus screamed, and then slammed the door, causing the walls to vibrate so hard that a bulletin board fell, and hit Rude on his dome head.

*Owww~www, Rude groaned, and then fell unconscious.

Tseng stood up, then said, in a slurred voice, "C'mons Turksss, less git ta werkss". Then he too, fell unconscious.

Elena stood up; straightened out her suit and hair, and then said, "Right bosh, but firsht, some mush needed beauty sweep." She then promptly fell unconscious with the other two.

BACK TO THE ORIGINAL FLASH BACK

"Once we had all come to, we decided to split up and search through different parts of Midgar. Not too much later, I came across here, and decided to come in. I figured I could use a professional snoop." Elena said, finishing her story.

"Oh so that's where that hideous bump on your head came from," Reno said, trying to control his laughter.

"What did you say"? Elena asked, suspiciously.

"Nothing". Said Reno. He then stood up, walked over to her, and spoke again.

"Well little lady, you've come to the right place," he said, offering his hand. Elena shook it, and he continued. "Now the first thing we need to do is work up a list of suspects