Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Purloined Hair Materia ❯ Chapter 2- Not That There's Anything Wrong With That... ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter Two- "Not That There's Anything Wrong With That."

"No… no… not my color… no…" Reno was wading his way through the numerous outfits of Midgar's most famous dress store, you know, the one where Cloud got his "thang" on.

Elena, encumbered with the many tramp-like ensembles Reno had discarded, wheezed "Reno, you've managed to shock and appall me on several occasions during this case, but so far this is the most fantastical thing. What in the name of the Lifestream do you hope to accomplish here?" Elena stamped her foot at the last.

Reno paid her no heed, still intent on his search. He fetched out another dress-an especially frilly pink thing-from a rack, turned to face Elena with the outfit held against him, and to Elena's utter shock cocked a hip and asked "How do you think this would look on me?" In viewing Elena's expression of confusion, Reno enquired in an exasperated voice "What, you mean to tell me that you never did this sort of thing in college?"

Her mind a great mangle, partly from the lack of sleep during Reno's close encounter of the "spiky kind" the previous night, Elena stammered, "A-ab-absolutely not!"

At this reply, Reno merely raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Your loss. I suppose this one is perhaps a little ostentatious." Elena's eyes widened as he placed the dress on the growing stack in her arms, thinking "a little??"

Reno then returned his attention to his search for fashion. "Oh, now I absolutely adore the color on that," Reno squealed, holding out a pastel-blue, hip-hugger skirt.

Frustrated with the entirety of this ridiculous situation, Elena shouted, "Alright, Reno! Just what is the point of this?" The sudden attention of the other store patrons caused by the outburst turned Elena's cheeks a rather interesting shade of red-not really from her momentary lack of composure, but more from being seen with this… this sick, demented creature. Reno quirked an eyebrow and a queer little smile betrayed the amusement he was gleaning from Elena's confusion and embarrassment-which aggravated Elena even more-as her crimson façade of embarrassment turned into a fiery red display of anger.

Elena forgot all about the other patrons as she stomped between Reno and the clothes rack. She would stop Reno from going any further in this… this…. whatever the heck he was doing, until she got a very, very good explanation from him. Elena huffed directly in Reno's face as she said "Reno… I think I've had… quite enough patience with… this queer little game of yours. You… will tell me what is going on… right now… or I will burn this place down with you in it!" She dropped the pile of clothes, whipped out her flamethrower and had it leveled at Reno's face in the time it took him to drop the outfit and cower between the petticoat tails of the dresses in the rack behind him.

Keeping his voice low (as in volume-wise, his panicky tone was as high as a mouse's) in an attempt to appease this crazed Turk, Reno explained with "I-It's rather simple, Elena. Did you by chance note the identity of my second suspect when I first showed you his picture in the capital's cellar?"

Elena exasperatedly shook her head in the negative. "No, I didn't pay too much attention." Elena raised her eyebrows sarcastically, gesturing at the especially cute dress Reno was hiding himself with, and asked "Why? You looking to attract a `special friend'?"

"Well…" Reno began saying as he dug his way out of his hideyhole- "…Sort of." Reno procured a photo from his jacket and handed it to Elena. A most amusingly contorted expression followed from Elena just before she dropped the photo like it was contagious and backed away before falling into a rack of dresses herself.

"No… it can't be! That's… it's Don Corneo! I thought that pervert had died months ago! How could…"

"It doesn't matter." Reno interjected firmly as he put his hand out to aid the strangely stricken Elena to her feet. Odd. He thought, I know he's ugly, but I didn't think it was THAT bad. "What matters is that this man easily has one of the most impossible hair styles that I've ever seen."

Elena smacked Reno's hand to the side before she semi-composed herself and stood shakily to her feet, making sure to stay well away from the evil photo as she approached Reno. Her voice still trembled with anger (and an added modicum of what seemed to be disgust or fear) as she pressed on with- "This explains who your next suspect is, Reno, but it still doesn't tell me why we're here, or why you… you…" She stammered at a loss for words, arms waving at the air, trying to pull sense out of the confused atmosphere before falling to her side-"…Why do you want to purchase a woman's dress?"

Pocketing the portrait, Reno adorned his trademark smirk, and scratched his scraggly chin while asking "You know that spiky-haired freak that we went after last night?"

Elena replied with a smirk of her own-"I certainly remember the number he did on you."

Reno winced as he rubbed his bruises and replied with "More like a full-blown equation… but never mind that. What I was getting at is the rumor that, not too long ago, a spiky-haired freak like him pulled a… very `queer' ordeal with the Don in an attempt to save a childhood friend of his…"

Elena thought back to an article in the Midgar Monthly that sounded rather like the situation Reno described. (Why in the world would he refer to such a strange, disturbing, insane venture… wait a minute… those words fit Reno perfectly! He can't be…) "No… you can't be… No! Please no, No, NOHOHOOO!"

Widening his smirk into a self-satisfied grin, Reno retorted to the blubbering woman, "Oh yes… and I believe that this hot-pink leather choker top and knee-length black-leather skirt will do perfectly." Reno then made off for the dressing room, Elena clinging to his ankles the whole way in a desperate attempt to dissuade Reno from this…this-this MOST WRONG IDEA!

After many hours of preening and pleading…

Reno and Elena are wading their way through the busy market area of sector six, stopping sporadically so that Reno might purchase some accessories in order to heighten his, ahem, "appeal."

Reno, for all of his cragginess, presented a rather convincing woman. Reno was quite proud as he admired him(?)self in the windows they passed. "I knew all those parties during college would pay off someday." His contest with Elena about the whole idea lasted for quite a while through the dressing room door-but he knew all the while that there was nothing that she could do to stop his masculine determination. (Ha.) Finally, Elena had relented, seeing that there could be no reasoning with the freelancer (it might have also had something to do with her fear of following Reno into the dressing room, but Reno liked his idea of the situation better).

However, upon his emergence from the dressing room, Reno was greeted with a facial expression from Elena that was so contorted that he was about to dive back in fear to the room's relative safety before Elena rushed forward and tore up the hairdo he had worked so hard on. "Reno, if you're going to pull so stupid a stunt, at least do it properly. No self-respecting woman would be caught dead in hair like that. And those legs! Those hairy legs of yours will betray you before anything else. Now, at least buy some stockings, or I will personally pin you down and shave your legs!" Reno, though he knew it to be a suicidal remark before it passed his lips, had countered with "That doesn't seem like such a bad prospect." This, of course, made for a sound thumping over the ear.

After a thorough `education' from Elena on womanly ways of dress, and an excursion through market square, Reno was fully prepared except for a few last trinkets. As he and Elena walked, Reno began to play out in his mind just how the "encounter" with the Don should go when-

"Reno, are you sure when Corneo will be making his appearance at the place you indicated?" came an abrupt question from Elena, ending the detective's train of thought.

"Trust me." came Reno's overconfident voice. "Information is my profession- I have my sources."

"Okay…" came what seemed a sigh of defeat, as Elena turned to her own thoughts. "How?? How can it be possible for that pervert to still be alive?" Elena visibly shuddered when she reflected on that time some months ago when she and that strange materia-thief girl had been captured and dragged to the top of Mount Wutai by that Mohawk wearing… thing. The Turks had banded together with a terrorist group they'd been hunting for the past few months to save them. This was what led to Elena's enduring crush on the lead Turk, since Tseng had caused the lavender robed slime-ball to dangle from the mount's edge, and, after a period of listening to the Don's pathetic pleas for mercy, had given the most wonderful reply and then sent the fat man plummeting to what all present had thought to be his death.

Elena shook from her reflecting, uttering within herself a prayer that Reno never found out about that unpleasant incident. She knew that if he did, he would never stop harassing her throughout the whole rest of this case.

Giving a contented sigh, Reno inhaled the aroma of some perfume a hawker had offered him. After a few more whiffs, he turned to Elena, asking "What's your opinion?"

Taking a snuff of the concoction, Elena contorted her face in disgust. Poor Reno obviously had no sense of the finer assets that women might buy to increase their feminine qualities. Not that he should… "Reno, put that up. And forget most of the things you might buy here, this…" she fished a rather fine looking crystal bottle from her jacket pocket "Is the best that money can buy." To demonstrate, Elena briefly passed the vessel under Reno's nose, causing the detective's eyebrows to rise in appreciation. "Now Reno," Elena stated firmly, putting away the fragrance container, "Come along and I'll have you properly done up for this job."

After another period of preening…

Reno, with Elena close in following, strode into the market area's favorite bar, just up the road from the clothing store. Once through the doorway, Reno casually looked about-for, according to his info, this was exactly where the Don always went this specific time of day. After completing his search, Reno motioned Elena towards a seat by the Don. However, for some reason that Reno couldn't fathom, Elena's eyes widened as she stuttered out her refusal to go "anywhere near that creature". Instead, she went to sit in a quiet corner, as far away from where the Don sat as she could manage. Shrugging, Reno decided to allow Elena to do what she liked, whilst he went up to the Don to "get his thang on".

After Elena took a seat, she looked back to the exaggeratedly strutting Reno. While she did this, she couldn't help but take encouragement in the fact that Reno was receiving many an appreciative stare from the bar's male patrons-although she did realize that most of them were very drunk.

Taking up a stool next to the seemingly depressed Don, Reno said to the female bar attendant in the most feminine voice that he could muster, "I'll have a beer, sweetcakes." Which, needless to say, didn't come out very feminine at all.

Back in her little corner, Elena smacked herself on the forehead in hearing Reno's slip up.

Gathering all the femininity that he could (and all the courage too, imagine how you'd feel, sitting so close to Corneo), Reno greeted the ball of lard with "Hello handsome."

In hearing the rather awkward-sounding voice, Don turned to the supposed strumpet, looked her up and down with a bored expression, and then snorted in indifference as he returned to his drink.

A little surprised at the Don's reaction, Reno decided that it was time for a slight escalation in his tactics. (Get psyched, Reno… get psyched). Reno tentatively laid his hand on the Don's shoulder (you know, that bulbous mass somewhere between his neck and his arm), as he said "Such smooth material." Reno paid close attention to see if his emphasis caused any significant reaction. However, Reno received no reaction whatsoever, for the Don was completely ignoring him. Determined to grip the fat man's attention, Reno threw off his dignity, and leaned his entire upper body against the Don, thinking as he did so "What I do for my clients." Yet, despite Reno's "cuddling," there was still no reaction from the Don. Frustrated, Reno abruptly stood from the stool and stomped back to where Elena sat. Once he was before the female Turk, Reno blurted, "I'm not getting anywhere- you try."

In hearing this proposition, Elena blurted back, "Wha…Whaaat?! No! I'd rather face Rufus' wrath a hundred times over than come within fifty-feet of that…that thing!" Calming herself, Elena sat back, stating "You just need to work on your approach." Lifting her hand to her chin in thought, Elena recollected the time when she'd spilled coffee in Tseng's lap not too long ago, whereupon he had seemed, Elena thought, rather attracted to her feminine ways. Retracting her palm from her jaw, Elena intoned with the voice of a master teaching her apprentice, "It has been my experience, Reno, that men are often attracted to a woman when said woman comes across as helpless."

"Okay… I can do that…" Reno stated hesitantly.

"Also," Elena pressed on, "you have to learn to get some `moves on'. Swing those hips, dip those shoulders, and every now and then give a bit of a sweep to your forelocks."

"Hmmm. Alright, I'll give those a shot." Thus schooled, Reno returned to his task with an increased air of confidence.

Watching Reno return to the bar, Elena waited with pride to see the effects of her expert advice. Unfortunately, all such hopes were dashed when she saw Reno begin to scoot his backside back and forth across his seat's surface. Elena figured that perhaps Reno was experiencing some sort of discomfort… until Reno began to dip his shoulders so far forward that he looked like a drunken hunchback. Just when Elena thought that Reno's behavior couldn't possibly become more idiotic, Reno brushed back his forelocks. This action in itself wasn't so bad… but Reno did so with a rather full mug of beer in his hand. So his hair and dress on one side now dripped with the foamy, sticky liquid. Elena buried her face in her palms and moaned.

Ignoring the "drip… drip" sounds of the alcohol he had just unceremoniously dumped on himself, Reno started his flirting anew. Continuing to follow Elena's advice, Reno "accidentally" dug a hair comb out of his purse and tossed it… uhh "dropped" it on the floor underneath the Don's mammoth form. "Oh~ silly me." Reno giggled girlishly, leaning down to gather up the dropped comb. While he did this, Reno glanced from the corner of his eye to see the Don's reaction. Nothing. Reno's ire rising, he decided to go full out. Reno intentionally pulled himself up just so that he knocked his shoulder against the counter, causing his mug of beer to topple over, right into the Don's lap. Feigning great distress, Reno hopped to his feet, and began fawning all over Corneo's soaked self, saying, "Oh, forgive me sir! So nice an outfit stained! Please, let me help…" Reno took a napkin from the countertop and made a show of frantically dabbing at the fat man's soaked robe.

The Don's reaction was somewhat… anti-climactic. He simply looked down at the liquid pouring down his round form and forming puddles at his lap, and then looked at Reno with a somewhat irritated gaze. Throughout this whole scenario, Don merely sat in stillness, and then lightly shrugged. "Whatever."

Now, this was frustrating beyond rationality! Reno threw himself off of the Don's rotund lap and screamed- "Very well, fatboy! Ignore this!"

Suddenly the view switched to the ceiling, where a most dazzling light had inexplicably appeared. The sound of tearing cloth preceded the silhouetted form of a… certain pink-and-black leather dress. -You see, Reno (having a lot of free time on his hands) had watched a lot of animé, and had spent many an hour mastering the sacred "instant costume change" technique.- Reno blazed with a strange mixture of pride over being able to use his much-practiced technique, and anger at the Don's continued indifference as he stood with his hands on his hips in the typical "heroic machoman" stance. "What have you to say now, Mohawk boy?"

Once again, the Don gave no verbal reply. Yet, as Reno examined the Don's actions further, he noticed that an especially odd sneer began to spread wide across the slime ball's face. Surprised at the sudden reaction from the Don, Reno began to glance back at Elena in celebration. However, the variety of contorted expressions that filled the room caught his eye before he noticed Elena hiding herself as far beneath her table as her small form could go. Reno, wondering what all of the patrons found so amusing and/or disgusting (considering the looks they were giving him) looked at the object of their attention-himself. Where Reno had expected to see his usual suit (which he could've sworn he'd put under the dress), he instead saw naught but his boxers, the little pink heart pattern on display for any who chose to stare. Many did just that, including the Don (although the Don seemed to be interested in a… somewhat different way). Reno's ear shattering scream caused everyone in the room to wince as, swifter than a wild buck (pun intended), Reno dashed to the nearby restroom where he pulled his normal clothes from hammer-space.

Meanwhile, Elena's mouth had become lax with shock. Every atom of her wanted to scream out in horror at having seen Reno so devoid of clothes, yet at the same time, every atom of her wanted to howl with laughter at Reno's choice of undergarments. After Elena's jaw had remained open for a few seconds, the customer seated in the booth beside her (actually, above her at the time) said, "Poor guy, he has no idea what he's just done to himself."

Stirring from her shocked state, Elena pulled herself into her seat and replied with, "What?"

Waiting until after Reno emerged from the restroom and began storming back to the bar (this time with clothes on) the man continued with, "You see… a few months back, the Don had a bad run-in with a girl that he'd, uh, "chosen". But this wasn't just any girl- Rumor has it that she was a Turk. The whole ordeal almost resulted in the Don's death… which scared the "appetite" for girls right out of him. However, his appetite didn't disappear- oh no, it just… changed somewhat…" Reno's (now highly irritated and angry) voice interrupted the two as they looked towards the bar to see Reno standing over the Don, waving his nightstick in the things' face.

"Alright, flabby! Now that I've got my pants on, we can get down to business! I've tried to avoid hurting you, but if I have to, I'll shove this stick where the sun don't shine, if you get my meaning!" Reno's nightstick slowed its poking motions as Reno's facial expression changed from one of anger to one of confusion. The Don's face contorted into the strangest facial expression Reno had ever seen. "Now I want some answ… w… why are you looking at me like that?"

The Don began trembling violently on his seat, hands rubbing together as he drooled on his robe. Reno started backing away from the Don, confused at the don's behavior- but not wanting to get anything on him if the Don happened to explode. However, what was wrong with Corneo became all too clear to the unsuspecting Reno when the Don bounced off of his seat, squealing, "Oh, I can't help it! You're so irresistible when you're angry! And your selection of underwear is so… so… Oh I can't take it anymore! Punish me-Punish me now!"

Reno froze, standing stupefied at what he heard, refusing to believe it was real. Once Corneo began to advance on him, however, the reality of the situation became all too apparent.

Reno ran like he had never run before, squealing like a little girl all the way. Unfortunately, Reno's desperation caused him to run into walls, tables, chairs, other people, etc… which allowed the oh-so-turned-on Corneo to keep up with Reno as he ran out of the bar.

After he'd watched the pair (ohh~ that's a bad choice of words) exit the bar, the man next to Elena finished his explanation with "Well, anyway, the near-death experience caused the Don to be frightened of woman's attentions so much that he became gay… Not that there's anything wrong with that."

After she'd absorbed the man's words, Elena's mouth dropped open as she looked to the door that Reno had just ran through like all the rage of Hades was at his ankles. Elena immediately jumped from her seat and out the door, looking around frantically for Reno and his newfound "friend." "Oh my gosh! Oh my GOSH! Not even Reno deserves THIS!"

Reno scanned his environment frantically. His pursuer, for a fat man, ran surprisingly fast-as was evidenced by the fact that he actually grabbed onto Reno's waist. Reno flailed desperately until he managed to shake off the corpulent "man". Starting his sprinting anew, Reno thought of a surprising truth he'd discovered when Corneo was attached to him (that truth wasn't that he'd found out that he enjoyed it). Believing that he'd won himself some reprieve when he'd thrown the Don to the asphalt, Reno began to contemplate further on his discovery when…

"Oh love of my life, come to me!" the Don had recovered from his blow to the ground much faster than Reno would've believed. With a squeak of fright, Reno dashed into the nearest alley in hopes of escape. After he'd sprinted so far down the alley, however, Reno saw the error of his decision… the alley was a dead-end.

"…No!" was all that Reno could say, as he turned to run back out of the alley. It was too late. At the alley's entrance stood the Don, blocking off any form of escape, making Reno caught between a brick wall and a… soft place. Reno began beating on the brick as the Don eagerly stepped forward, squealing with glee. While Corneo drew closer to him, Reno began a desperate attempt to climb the brick before falling hard into the alley pavement and staying there. With each step that drew the Don closer to Reno, Reno drew closer to the asphalt, becoming more and more of a pitifully blubbering mass.

Suddenly, Reno heard a voice from behind Corneo that, at the moment, sounded like the voice of his guardian angel- "Oh Doneee~."

Turning to face the source of the voice, Don's eyes widened in horror as he yelped, "You!"

At the end of the dark alley stood a fiery figure, eyes blazing with rage and flamethrower smoking in anticipation. Elena smirked dangerously as she advanced towards the Don, who shook with fear. "Yes, Corneo, me. Now, I do believe you owe me a scream… but I'll forego your debts this once, if you'd be so kind as to put your tail between your legs and yip back to wherever it is you came from. After all- `Why do you think that I would go through all of the trouble of killing a scumbag like you'?"

The final question brought horrific memories into the Don's small mind, as he recalled a similar question being asked when he'd dangled by a hand on the brink of death on Mt. Wutai. All because of…HER! It was the Don's turn to squeal like a girl, as he stumbled and ran past Elena while shouting, "No, evil flamethrower-toting woman! Leave me ALOHOHONE!" The Don's shrill plea echoed all throughout the sector.

The bloated creature gone, Elena crossed her arms and breathed a haughty "Humph," though it was only to disguise the trembling she still felt at having come within ten feet of the… thing. Chuffing off her goosebumps, Elena turned her attention to the pathetic creature at her feet, who was still curled up in a fetal position. Kneeling before the shaking form in the same way someone would comfort a toddler, Elena gently placed a hand in Reno's flame-like hair, and whispered, "Shush, it's okay. The bad, bloated man with the purple robe and slick hair is gone."

Reno, his face awash with streams of tears, looked up at Elena, and immediately latched onto her heels and cried, between violent convulsions, "Thahahank youhoohoo. *Snif* Oh thank you, I'll do anything you want, anything. WHAhahaha~." Suddenly realizing his position, Reno bolted upright, miraculously regained his composure, and professionally intoned, "Ahem, my thanks for your assistance."

Standing as well, Elena quirked her brow whilst she replied, "Uh huh." Turning to walk back out of the alley, Elena explained to Reno what the man in the bar had previously explained to her, regarding the, uhm, changes in the Don. Reno, still visibly shaken from his experience, made a mental note to do a little more research before he confronted the next suspect.

Finishing with her tale, Elena turned to Reno to see him shuffling slowly along, staring blankly into space. Determined to get his mind through the recent unpleasantness, Elena prodded him with, "So… do you think that you managed to find anything during this period of Hades on earth?"

Trying his best to keep his voice even in spite of his still lingering horror, Reno jogged to catch up with Elena and responded, "Believe it or not yes. You see during the Don's," Reno shuddered, "contact with me, I noticed a very distinct odor coming from his hair. It was grease."

"Grease?" came Elena's incredulous reply.

Reno regained his composure with every step as he became more and more impressed with his own reasoning skills. "Yes. Since the Don's supposed death, it is quite apparent that he has fallen from wealth. Thus, it seems he has had to resort to the most lowly of jobs- a fast food restaurant attendant." His self-absorption in full swing, Reno said the last with a deep sigh of pride as he waited for Elena's inevitable admiration of his detective skills.

Elena cocked her head to one side as he replied, "Logical, Reno. But, well, how can you be sure it was fast food grease? He wasn't… latched to you for that long… was he?"

Reno winced as he said, "Ugh. Thankfully, no. But, Elena, you're talking to a detective. Fast food makes up three quarters of my diet. It doesn't take long for me to recognize the familiar aroma of french-fry grease."

Confounded by Reno's conclusion, Elena paced along in silence, a silence that continued until Reno slyly pried-

"By the way, Elena, who was the female Turk in that rumor the man told you about?"

Her face flushing with embarrassment and fright, Elena stammered, "I…I have no idea whatsoever!" The last came out as a squeak.

Amused by the obvious lie, Reno retorted, "Ri~I~ght, I'll get back to you on that one later."

Resigned to the harassment that would undoubtedly follow in the near future, Elena slumped her head forward, and asked through a withered sigh, "Who's the next suspect?"

Shaking his head sharply, Reno peevishly answered with, "Forget the next suspect. Right now, and more than ever, I am in some serious need of a hard whiskey."

Elena was ready to protest, but decided against it. After all, a man should be entitled to anything he wished for after having to deal (especially the way Reno had) with someone-something like the Don.

***Author's note-

Am I sick? Am I demented? Don't I know it. :D However, if you want to let me know how demented I am, then please do- review!