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The Real Sorceress' Knight

Þ A parody fic of Eminem's 'The Real Slim Shady' by Ethereal Fury

Disclaimer: I don't own squat, not even the shirt and the two sweaters on my back (it's cold, ya know?). Squaresoft owns FF8 and all the characters (them lucky bastards) and bad-boy Eminem owns 'The Real Slim Shady'

The Real Sorceress' Knight

By: Ethereal Fury

It's the Garden Festival the year after the Defeat of Ultimecia. Desperate for an act, since Quistis, Irvine, and Zell utterly refused to perform again, Selphie Tilmitt asked Seifer if he would do something. After much thought, he agreed, and so begins our tale…

Twas about time for the performance to start. People were shifting uncomfortably in their chairs in the Quad, waiting. Seifer was nowhere to be seen and Selphie was about to go look for him with a rocket launcher. Before she could get her hands on Irvine's Exeter, Fujin and Raijin marched solemnly onto the stage, carrying a sophisticated sound system. The crowd looked on intently-was Fujin gonna sing?? That would be a first! Raijin struck a few cords on his sound system and Fujin began:

ATTENTION. REAL SORCERESS' KNIGHT STAND. REPEAT, REAL SORCERESS KNIGHT STAND. GONNA HAVE PROBLEM.

Outta nowhere, Seifer jumps on stage wearing baggy silvery pants, a white T-shirt, a heavy platinum chain with his characteristic crosses on it, and a red cap worn backwards. And so his version of 'The Real Slim Shady' begins…

(Verse 1)

Y'all act like you never seen a Sorceress' Knight before

Jaws all over the floor, like Rinoa like Ulty just burst through the door

And started controlling her ass worse than before

Sending her into space and making her do whatnot

It's the return of the…

Wait, no way, you're kidding, he didn't just say Sorceress Knight like I think he did, did he?

And Ultimecia said,

Nothing you idiots, Ultimecia's dead, she's stuck in Time Compression (haha)

Female Garden students love Seifer

*puts on girly voice*

"The Sorceress' Knight, I'm sick of him

Look at him walking around smirking at anyone, picking on everyone,

Yeah, but he's so cute though!"
*back to normal voice*

Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But no worse than what's going on in the Commander's bed room.

Sometimes I wanna get on TV and just let loose,

But wait, I've been there and done that too!
My gunblade's at your neck, my gunblade's at your neck

And if you're lucky I might just not chop off your head

And that's the message that we deliver to little kids

And expect them not to grow up into emotionless killing machines.

Well of course they gonna kill a buncha people before they hit 20,

They go to Garden everyday, don't they?
We ain't' nothing but students

Well, some 'em SeeDs who sell their services for Gil.

But if it's okay to be paid to kill and fight

Then there's no reason that a GF and another GF can't hook up (eeeww!)

If you feel like I feel I got the antidote

Quistis wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes

Chorus:

Cause I'm the Sorceress' Knight, yes I'm the real Knight

And you Squally boy are just imitating

So won't the real Sorceress' Knight please stand up

Please stand up, please stand up

Cause I'm the Sorceress' Knight, yes I'm the real Knight

And you Squally boy are just imitating

So won't the real Sorceress' Knight please stand up,

Please stand up, please stand up.

(Verse 2)
Squally boy don't gotta be bad to get some screen time
Well I do,

So *beep* him and *beep* you too.

You think I give a damn about this Garden?

*Pshh* half you idiots don't recognize me, let alone like me

"But Seif, what if you pass, wouldn't it be weird?"

Why? So I can become a SeeD just like my Instructor dear

So you can send me on missions alongside Chickenwuss,

Shoot, Mr. Playboy Kinneas better take my place

So I can walk around Garden and into class

And hear the girls argue about whom he slept with first.

So I gotta put up with Selphie, that hyperactive ditz

"Yeah he was evil, but now he's good, tee-hee"

In case you didn't notice, I tried to kill you ditz (A/N: insert 'bit*#' here if you please)

And tried to end the very existence of SeeD.

*Argh* I'm sick of you little SeeD wannabes

All you do is annoy me

So I teamed up with Ulty to destroy you.

And there's a million of us just like me,

With gunblades like me, who just don't give a crap like me,

Who dress like me, walk, talk, and act like me

And just might be the next best Knights but not quite me!

Chorus

(Verse 3)

I'm intoxicating to listen to

Cause I'm only telling you things you dream about hidden away in your SeeD bedrooms

The only difference is I'm up here saying it in front of y'all

And I don't gotta be shy and can scream it right out loud.

Y'all wanna be Sorceress' Knights, I can see it

But whether you like to admit it, I can do it

Better than Puberty Boy right there,

And then you wonder why I go to be the baddie in the game.

It's funny, cause with the things I've done, when I'm 20

I'll be the only person in the Garden not graduating.
Teasing the Instructors whilst attending all their classes,

And I'm listening, but I probably won't be passing the SeeD exam.

And every Garden student is a Sorceress Knight-lurking

He could be working in the Library, messing the computers up,

Or in the Parking Lot

Hi-wiring cars and joyriding them

Cause they don't care for orders and it's their romantic dream.

So will the real Sorceress' Knight please stand up,

And point the tip of his gunblade way high up,

And be proud of the things that you've done, and the one's that you'll do

And one more time, loud as you can, how's it go?

Chorus to Fade

Needless to say, the audience was shocked way beyond words. Squall merely sat in his seat with his mouth hanging open (very uncharacteristic of him… the song really must've shocked him), Quistis was mad about the pantyhose comment (see, it was her best-kept secret-whenever she thinks no one is around, she waves her pantyhose madly about-and she was very angry that Seifer had somehow managed to find out), Irvine was beaming since Seifer had commented on his playboy specialty (women), Zell was shaking with rage since Seifer had called him a Chickenwuss in front of the whole Garden, Selphie didn't know if she wanted to shoot Seifer with Irvine's Exeter for calling her a hyperactive ditz or blow Irvine up for sleeping around (all the while she was debating this, she was hopping excitedly from foot to foot), and Rinoa was calling forth a bunch of icicles with her hand to get back at Seifer for making fun of Ultimecia controlling her in outer space. Seifer was smirking at the bewildered faces of his fellow students and Fujin & Raijin were nodding vigorously at Seifer. "BRILLIANT" (Fujin, duh!); "yeah, excellent, ya know? Ya really showed them, ya know?" (Raijin)

THE END!! (mwhahaha, for now!)