Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ The Unattainable Answer ❯ Kuja ( Chapter 1 )

I've always been asked “why”.

 

And well, I can't really explain it-or even say how I got to my present moment.

 

I can't really say it's something in his smile, `cause I don't think I've quite found it.

 

I'd really love to say it was because of his personality, but I've only had a sip of his madness. Or was it his vision, his dream?

 

I'd really like to say that he's such a fun person to talk to, but I've never spoken a word to him.

 

No… I take that back.

 

I'd really like to say that he's a fun person to talk to, but he never replied.

 

I told you, I've always been asked “why”.

 

And you know, I already said a few lines above that I don't know so if you don't believe me, reread it.

 

I mean… Do you expect me to find such an answer within minutes? I've been asked this question for YEARS for crying out loud.

 

I've lost cherished friends because of it. I guess they weren't the “I'll be your best friend forever” type they said they would be after all.

 

The family room becomes silent when I come in. I don't get the “How was your day” shit that I used to hate. I kind of miss that.

 

I take that back too. I don't miss that half-hearted bullshit.

 

It's like… “How was your day, daughter?”

 

“It fucking sucked.”

 

“Watch your language!”

 

“Stop talking as if you don't talk the exact same way. The world isn't on cloud nine.”

 

Then again, there are many druggies out there. They're probably out on cloud nine, and they have an excuse. They've become addicted.

 

And haven't I become addicted as well?

 

Nope, I still don't have that answer, two minutes later, but I'll be the first one to know. You can be the second.

 

It's not as if my case is entirely uncommon. Sure, there are many girls like me out there… somewhere.

 

What makes us different?

 

Well, finally, a question that I can answer.

 

We're different because they learned not to express those feeling to others.

 

Ah, but no… no one ever asked me that question. All they want to know is “why”.

 

And I just don't fucking know.

 

It's like asking why the sky is blue, why grass is green, why the stars shine so brightly, why we exist.

 

Of course, there is some type of scientific answer to that. There always is.

 

So I guess the scientific answer to my one question is infatuation.

 

But you know… that just isn't satisfying `cause it's not really within me-it's just a fathead's words-no word- placed into my mouth. Yeah, it could be infatuation, but then that'd be such a boring ending to this unattainable answer.

 

Yeah, I think I'll call it just that: The unattainable answer.

 

I guess I'm obsessive, but I've found something beautiful. It comes in a box that says “four discs”.

 

So maybe I'll never know the reason why, but hey, I think if I really could love him, it'd be in that diabolic smile of his.

 

If I could really could love him, it'd be because he was so unique from all others-the almost angel of death.

 

Then again, you don't always see a guy in a skirt. Well now, that Albel did wear one. Maybe it's a new trend? I'm not complaining though.

 

If I really could love him, it'd be because he's such a great person to talk to. He'd take my vulgar words and turn it into poetry without ever even trying.

 

Oh yeah, I'm definitely head over heels.

 

Yup, I've definitely fallen for someone I can't ever have.

 

I've lost friends because of him.

 

I've lost any chance of normal family because of him.

 

I'll probably never amount to anything because of him.

 

And well, at least they'll always be guessing. Yeah, they'll be left in the dark.

 

`Cause I know that they know that they'll never get the answer.

 

It's just an unattainable answer.

 

Maybe I should talk more about him. He's the cliché product of Square Enix. You know, the silver-haired villains that like to go “Mwahahahahaha”. He's afraid to die you know.

 

Yeah, he understands mortality all to well. I wonder if he would envy me? I have a much longer lifespan then he.

 

He's just a boy who doesn't want to die, and in the end he regretted his childish fear. He became a man, but he still died. At least he died a man and not a helpless boy.

 

I guess he did horrible things, but, if you think about it, someone had to do them. No one ever really wants to be “the bad guy” but if there were none, there'd be no point for the “hero” to exist.

 

And damn, then the game would really suck, but I bet the parents at the parent-teacher meetings would have a party for the first “non-violent” game.

 

But he was there so sorry, PTA-ers, no party for you.

 

He was just different. People ridiculed him because he looked like a girl, but isn't that only accentuating his charm? Hell, I've even heard of guys who'd love to “go out” with him.

 

Sorry, I saw him first, and I don't share.

 

There are times when I look for him.

 

I look in the depths of my closet. Nothing.

 

I look in the shadows. Nothing.

 

I look behind me late at night when I'm walking through the park. Nothing.

 

Yeah, years go by, and I'm still this pathetic wretch obsessing over someone as unattainable as this unattainable answer.

 

If ever anyone asked of me, someone would say, “Yeah, I knew her.”

 

Stop talking as if I'm dead. My heart still beats, you know.

 

And, you know, I still look in my closet for him. I'll never stop.

 

It's because I believe we exit to love and loose it. When you loose something, you can truly appreciate it.

 

Well I guess life gave me a poor hand because I lost love before I ever even had it.

 

If I could really could love him, it'd be because he was so unique from all others-the almost angel of death.

 

If I really could love him, it'd be because he's such a great person to talk to. He'd take my vulgar words and turn it into poetry without ever even trying.

 

Oh yeah, I'm definitely head over heels. I've known that for years.

 

And well, maybe this question of “why” isn't so hard to answer.

 

I love him because I love him; there is no reason why.

 

It's like asking why the sky is blue, when it could be gray. It's like asking why the stars burn so brightly when they only fade away. It's like questioning why we exist if we're only going to die.

 

Yeah, I've lost much because of him.

 

I've given up much because of the beautiful object. You know, the one that held four discs?

 

And you know, this unattainable answer really is such a letdown.

 

I already figured it out. Don't believe me? Go up five more lines.