Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Until the End of Eternity, and Longer ❯ Chapter Twelve ( Chapter 12 )

Disclaimer: Don't own it, just love it. And that will continue to apply until the end of eternity, and longer even. . .

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"Until the End of Eternity, and Longer"

by: Banshee Puppet

Chapter Twelve

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"Seems Jace's old room is all full up these days," Kennedy told Laguna. "So I've arranged somewhere else for you to stay, if you don't mind."

"Where?"

"With Aurin and Ella. Since Thomas built that little house on the other side of the lake to raise his family up in, his room's been empty. I imagine it still has that same tiny bed in it, not really appropriate for the President of Esthar, I imagine, but we're pretty simple folk, around here."

"That'd be nice," Laguna said. "I haven't gotten to talk to those two in a long time. I used to play cards with Aurin all the time, when I was here. Maybe he'll take me up on a game."

Kennedy laughed slightly. "You haven't changed much `guni. A little older, a little sadder maybe, but damned if you aren't just the same elsewise."

"Nearly twenty years have passed since I was last in this little village. I've stumbled across a few others in my travels. Most of where I ended up was sheer accident, or luck, but it's been a pretty good life so far. I got the chance to fall in love with two amazing women, married one. Lost her, but, she's still with me, here, and in my son's eyes," Laguna commented. "Raine. I miss her a lot, but I'm doing my best."

Squall didn't mean to overhear, he just happened to be padding down the steps barefoot to find the bathroom and stopped, almost holding his breath as Laguna and Kennedy spoke. He shouldn't be spying, he knew. . .but he didn't want to interrupt either. Something just froze him there.

"You know, Jace is still there too, in your heart. . .just like that wife of yours is. Maybe coming back is what you need to remind you of that. But why in heavens' name did you wait so long?" Kennedy reminded him.

Laguna shrugged. "You're right, of course, and I suppose I know, but it's always been a little different. Because Raine, she left some things behind for me. She gave me a son. Squall. She left me, but at least, she gave me Squall."

"What about Irvine?"

"She didn't leave him for me to take care of. She brought him to that orphanage in Centra, remember? Besides, as much as I might love the boy, he isn't mine. He's like a fragment of some dream of her. I can't even look at Irvine without thinking of Jace. Am I supposed to be Uncle `guni to him again, even knowing that? It wouldn't be fair to him. Besides, he doesn't need me. None of them do. I've been feeling so old lately, Ken. Really old. And alone. Shit. All this time and I'm still afraid to be alone. . .such a coward. I've always been such a damn coward."

Memories flooded through Squall. His own, and the borrowed memories of Laguna. `A coward? That's the one thing I never said. A coward wouldn't have jumped off a cliff like you did, wouldn't have fallen in love. . .twice. People love you because you're so passionate, because you feel things and aren't afraid to express those feelings. A coward?'

"No!" he found himself snapping at the man before he'd realized the word came out of his mouth. His own voice echoed in his head. One simply syllable, and it sounded so angry. His arm flailed as he said it. There was emotion in it, repressed so long that one word blurted out thoughtlessly became explosive.

"Squall?" Laguna blinked up at him, putting down the beer he'd been slowly nursing for hours now and standing to look at the boy. "No what?" he asked gently.

`If anyone's a coward, it's me. Because I'm afraid to be alone too, but I'm also afraid to admit it, or anything. I'm the coward because I'm afraid to feel and get close to people. Especially you. But I want to. Heavens, I want to. Dad. My heart hurts dad.' Squall surprised himself with his own thoughts. Is that really what he felt, what he wanted? And he knew it was true, it was what he wanted, more than anything else. He wanted to open up, he wanted to collapse in his father's arms and feel warm and safe and at home there. But he was Squall Leonheart and that was too much to hope for. His body stiffened.

"It's okay. Whatever it is," Laguna said when he noticed Squall shutting down again, putting on his impassive face once more. "No what?" he prodded gently, confusion evident on his face.

"You're not a coward," Squall spit out abruptly, turning his head away as he spoke, unable to bring himself to look into Laguna's green eyes, showing so much emotion and pain right now, the older man completely unable to hide or conceal it.

Squall just stood like that for a moment, tension radiating off of him and searing the air around him it seemed. He couldn't decide whether to retreat back upstairs to the bedroom or not. . .he really had to take a piss, but to do that, he had to go DIRECTLY past Laguna, and he wasn't sure he wanted to do that right now. He didn't actually trust himself to with his mind reeling the way it was. Annoyance. Anger. Need. Love. He wanted to go on hating Laguna for accidentally abandoning him, but the man was in so much pain, so alone. . .he was starting to see himself in Laguna, and he didn't like what he was seeing. He much preferred the idle banter and goofy grin to the sad retrospective brooding and the worried thought-creases on his father's brow. And why was it, now, all of a sudden, that, in his head, it was becoming more and more frequent "father" and "dad" replacing "Laguna" and "that moron"? Squall didn't understand it, but he figured it had something to do with this sadness that he hated so much because it was so similar to his own. Or maybe, finally, Ellone's gift had done something right, and given him a connection to the man that couldn't be broken. Maybe going into his mind and already knowing him, who he was, who he is, is different than drifting aimlessly through the mind of a stranger. Before Squall knew it, he was brooding again. He wasn't sure when it happened, but he knew it was sort of useless because brooding didn't stop his need to pee, so finally, he moved down the stairs and passed Laguna silently on his way to the bathroom.

"I think that boy might be coming around," Kennedy whispered to Laguna, who was vaguely watching the back of that tossled head of hair as Squall rounded the corner, utter disbelief and hope etched into his features. "If you're right, Ken, then I think I'm going to have to thank that girlfriend of his," Laguna turned to the man with a carefree smile and shrugged. "It'd be nice though, if he did," he said softly, a bit embarrassed over the entire affair.

Squall stayed in the bathroom longer than he had to. Why? Well, firstly, because Laguna was still out there and would undoubtedly want him to explain himself almost the moment he opened the bathroom door, if he remained true to form, when he wasn't even sure he could explain himself to himself just yet, and secondly, the bathroom was much more private than the tavern lounge or the upstairs room and thus appeared to be the perfect place for brooding at this particular moment.

*"You poor, poor boy. What has this damaged world done to you?"

He could hear a voice, not Ellone's, in his head, familiar, but he was sure he'd never heard it.

*"Who's there?" his mind asked tentatively.

*"Go to him. Just swallow your pride and go."

*"No. . .I. . .can't. Not yet."

The voice was silent, just heaving a slight sigh and he blinked, vaguely seeing a shadow illuminated by the sink. A figure sitting there, but in the light, he couldn't make it out. Just the positioning, hands on the edge of the little platform, sitting up on the formica top, legs hanging, swinging forwards and backwards slowly, absently, but also with some vague longing.

"Who…?" he tried to ask again as he stood, then he heard a laughing voice, soft and warm laughter, ringing out on the air. The rocking figure stopped, looking up at another, who he could vaguely notice on the far wall, a colored outline, not like the other. Slightly more distinct. Blue for the legs and arms, shoulders, a paler color elsewhere, browns and tans. . .

*"You shouldn't be here. Your story has already been written, completed," she told the other. "It's time for you to move on."

*"This coming from you," the other scoffed. But the second voice he definitely recognized. It was Jace, but he couldn't quite make her out either, so he flipped off the light switch. . .and recognized both almost instantly.

The one sitting on the counter wore a white sweater and pale blue jeans, long hair held back in a neat headband. `Raine. Mother,' Squall thought, and the woman turned a smile on him.

*"Hello Squall. Look at you. All grown up already."

*"That's enough, Raine. Go back before the others find out that you're here. You're dead. When will you finally accept that? There's nothing more for you to do."

Squall's gaze shifted over to Jace, and he gasped, startled, the left sleeve of her jacket was shredded, and there was blood, so much blood. He couldn't be sure whether or not it was all hers. `Does the body even have that much blood in it?' Of course it does. It was as if she'd been frozen into the moment of her death somehow, but her expression was calm, she didn't seem to notice that she was covered in blood. Or was that only what he saw? It didn't seem to disturb Raine at all either.

*"You're dead too, you know," Raine argued bitterly.

*"Unfortunatley, they won't let it be that simple, in my particular case. The dead can't pass until the living are willing to say goodbye to them. You taught me that yourself, or have you forgotten already? Did you see that damnable statue in the square!?! I'm gonna be stuck in the in between place forever if I don't do something about it. I'm tired. I want to close my eyes and, finally, die all the way. Look at yourself Raine, you're vague, just a spirit or some sort of mixture of light and shadow. You still look like you, but there's no color, only black and white and gray. But I'm still a ghost. I liked my crazy life, for all it was worth, you know I did, but it's over now, and I want to rest, or be reborn, or whatever it is that comes after this pointless wandering around. I want to have a voice again, a real voice. To sing, and to fight."

Squall noticed then that he'd been watching the entire conversation but neither of them ever moved their lips, not once, it was all thought, raw and blank-seeming, almost unreal.

*"Mother. It's okay. We'll be fine without you. We always miss you, but. . .it's okay."

*"Go to him Squall. Please?" Raine pleaded one last time.

"I will, mom, I promise. When I'm ready," he said aloud, and with a smile, Raine faded, and he turned to find Jace, never having acknowledged him, had already disappeared as well, but he could hear it, that familiar laughter riding on the wind. And he knew now, was certain, it was her. Jace, and she was stuck somehow, her soul trapped between living and dying, because they couldn't let her go. And he was certain then, that he and Irvine would have to see this story through to the very end, for her sake, even if it killed them. Because she was sad, and because she was wandering, and because, he felt it. . .she was alone. The conversation with Raine had seemed somehow incomplete, like something was lacking, some sort of expression, some sort of. . .humanity. And he knew, what he'd seen. . .it wasn't them. It wasn't Raine and Jace. . .it was just their lingering echo. He knew because they. . .because they were already gone, and this knowledge forced the tears from his eyes.

For the first time in as long as he could remember, Squall was crying, and it felt good. Vaguely, he heard a voice saying, "just go ahead and cry, it's okay. It's okay, Squall." And he thought that it was one of those echoes again, but he knew this voice too, and this person. . .this person wasn't dead yet. Laguna.

Abruptly, Squall became aware of his surroundings and stiffened. He was kneeling on the bathroom floor sobbing into a warm embrace, feeling the hot breath on his ear that accompanied the soothing words as one hand rested on the back of his head, gently, and the other rubbed soothing circles over his lower back. "Shhh. s'okay. Just go ahead and cry if you've got to. It's okay. I'm here for as long as you want me to be." His arms were wrapped tightly around Laguna's waist, and he realized, from his positioning, that Laguna must be on the floor with him. Was anyone else here? Gods, please don't let anyone else be here. It was so good, to just be here like this, so warm and comforting. He didn't really want to let go yet, but his tears were already drying up, and he wouldn't stay there longer than it took to pull himself together. He just couldn't do that, not yet. He was ashamed enough of falling into his father's embrace so easily, without ever noticing, and feeling so naturally comfortable there.

Tentatively, he looked up. Tear-streaked cheeks ran into long strands of black hair, as he sniffled, fighting off the last bit of his momentary hysteria. They were alone. The door was closed and Laguna was stretched awkwardly with one foot pressed against its base to see that it stayed that way.

"Feeling better?" Laguna asked at the silence and motion, surprised, a bit that Squall had not yet pulled away.

Squall nodded, head still half-pillowed against Laguna's chest, but let go and sat back on his heels, wiping his eyes with a little bit of embarrassment.

"What are you doing in here?" Squall asked, his voice sounding dry and broken to him.

"You were in here a while. I guess I was a little worried, and then I heard you crying. . ." Laguna paused, not sure if that was really an answer to the question, and blushed a little, but Squall nodded. He seemed to think it was good enough at least. Laguna adjusted himself to a position where he was sitting against the door, grumbling slightly at the dead sleep in his right calf as he moved his leg.

It was all Squall could do not to laugh. Laguna's leg had cramped up. . .again. Not for the usual reasons, but still. . .it was just so. . .typical.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about it," Laguna said softly. "But if you change your mind, I'm here. You should know that."

"I know," Squall answered as he sat down on the floor beneath the tiny window, looking up through the cracks in the broken blinds at the honeyed moon. Finally, once he trusted his voice, he looked back at Laguna again, who appeared to be drifting off against the door, struggling through a battle with his body and the need for sleep, and obviously losing. The corner of Squall's lips peeked up briefly before he turned serious.

"Father?" he asked slowly, testing the word out on his lips as if to see how it felt there, but paused, not seeming to much care for it and trying something else. "Dad?" He paused again, thinking about the way that felt when he said it, and then, with a brief nod that seemed to be some mix between decision and approval as the older man stared at him in sleepy awe, smiling and trying his best not to look goofy, despite the fact that he can't recall how long he's waited to be called either by his son. Squall noticed the expression. `It means so much to him. I didn't think it meant so much,' he thought before returning to his line of thought and the question he had to ask. "Dad, why were you able to say goodbye to Raine. . .um. . .mom, that is, but you couldn't say goodbye to Jace?"

Laguna's expression turned sad again, his head dropping, eyes staring at his hands as if there was something on them that only he could see, and he answered.

"I loved your mother very much, Squall. I'm pretty sure I always will, actually. But I went to save Ellone, and I know that's she wouldn't have had me do anything else. I didn't get to be there when you were born, or when she died, and that made me really sad, but it never made me feel guilty. I know that Raine's death wasn't my fault. But Jace died because of choices I made, things I had no right to ask of anyone, not even her. Gods, ESPECIALLY not her. How do you say goodbye to a person who died in your place? It should have been me. Do you understand? I'm probably not making any sense again."

`He could have just said `because I blame myself for Jace's death,' but it's just like him to get his explanation all confused by using too many words,' Squall thought.

Tentatively, testing impulse and logic a second time, Squall moved to Laguna's side , resting elbows on knees and said, "I don't know what happened, but I think I know Jace well enough now to know she does things her own way and makes her own choices. So just. . . quit blaming yourself. Just because people always want to help you doesn't mean that it's your fault when things go wrong," Squall said, surprised to find so many words come out of his mouth at once. He'd intended to just say, `you should go get some sleep,' but, lo and behold, not what he said at all.

"This coming from you?" Laguna said, cocking his head slightly and smirking at him. "Mr. Commander Leonheart, also known as "the guy who takes the whole world and routinely plops it up on his shoulders," Laguna teased.

Squall glared at him, but this only made Laguna laugh through his yawning.

With a defeated sigh, Squall said, "you're tired."

"Yeah, a little," Laguna agreed.

"You should go to bed."

Laguna nodded vaguely. "Probably should." But he made no motion to go anywhere. Squall watched the moonlight play off of his profile, head lolling and snapping back up as he tried desperately to stay awake for what was likely some completely ridiculous and illogical reason, hair tumbling all over the place, streaks of wetness down his cheeks, shoulders shuddering only so slightly. If not for the tears, you'd almost think he was laughing instead of crying.

"Let her go, dad. It's what she wants," Squall said softly, testing the impulse, just barely brushing a gloved hand over his father's shoulder.

Laguna put his own hand on top of it and said, "I know Squall, and I'm trying. . .trying so. . .YAWN. . .hard. . .but it's. . .YAWN. . .not. . .easy. . .it's re(YAWN)ally, difficult. . ." Laguna said, unable to stay conscious any longer, head toppling over Squall's shoulder with only the thin white of a t-shirt between them. Squall just let him lay there. He needed sleep after all, and the younger man drifted off thinking, `how the hell am I going to explain this to Rinoa without her getting all `that's so cute Squal'l on me? YAWN. Worry about it in the morning,' he tells himself sleepily, and wants to slap whichever dead person has decided that now is the perfect time to applaud the little father/son scene. `Jace, it's just GOT to be,' his dream mind says.

`What's got to be Jace?' he hears Irvine ask in his mind, which could only mean one thing.

`Alright Elle, just get it over with,' Squall half groans.

And the scene fades in.

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okay, so things got a tad bit weird in there. Squall had some ooc moments in this chapter I think, but it was difficult to write that Squall/Laguna scene while keeping them both completely in character. And once I wrote myself into that corner, I figured it was best to just run with it, rather than trying to write myself out of it. Uh, anyways, lemme know what you think.