Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Venus ❯ Small Town Boy (Runaway) ( Chapter 7 )

Love is a very a very selfish state of mind. Just think about it. You love some one because they make you feel good about yourself, or they have the qualities[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:39:00 2008 ] you lack - possession results from love. You know those sassy Ed Hardy t-shirts? Glittering with rhinestones and fierce tigers, the famous bleeding heart, Dedicated to the One True Love. Ask yourself, go `Gee wiz, who is my one true love? My mother? My lover? The milkman?' F[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:40:00 2008 ]uck [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:40:00 2008 ]that. The only days you are capable of true love with another ended abruptly the day you started putting your hand down your pants… Because it felt good.

But I'm about to contradict myself. I'm going to make myself look like a fool. A whore is for all the kids who can't get laid but can love enough to touch themselves. If that makes any fucking sense. I'm society's cure for all that bothersome morning glory. If there were no whores, you can just imagine all the fucking masturbation[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:41:00 2008 ] going down. Rape, it's[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:41:00 2008 ] not about sex. It's[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:41:00 2008 ] about power. Power is about release. Power is about control and stirring shit up. Chaos is where it's[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:41:00 2008 ] at, bitches, s-t-a-b-i-l-i-t-y is the fucking anti-Christ.

Think I…

What the fuck am I ranting on about? I don't even know anymore. Love, lust, rape, power. ARGH. I hate it all. Because all-of-the-above, I used to swear by my contrived,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:57:00 2008 ] frail,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:57:00 2008 ] flawed logic; you can see it in everything I write. I want humans to be ruled by the simple hormonal logic known as dog-eat-dog. But the birth of my own love, love though so much shit, piss, pain, blood, vomit, has changed this Saul to a Paul. I can see it now.

Love, I mean I…

I fought myself, I still do now,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:57:00 2008 ] [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:57:00 2008 ]cause the most abused statement in the English language it also the hardest to write.

I…

Ed Hardy also has another pretty catchy phrase, Once Bitten, Twice Shy. Is the bite worth the shyness? Or should we all wrap ourselves in bubble wrap and live in peaceful abstinence. Fuck it. Bite me, hurt me, rape me, defile me, but never forget me.

I love you. You know who you are. I love you and it hurts and I hate loving you. I hate the way you move; the way you breathe I hate the way you talk. I hate it when you touch me. My love is consumed by hatred.

How much different is love from hate? Write me an essay. Prove it to me in one hundred words or less. We tread a thin red line when we kiss.

Do I hate you? Or do I… Do I…

Go figure. I've read more theories and scientific explanations of love then you can poke a motherfuckin' Buster sword at. There is nothing you can tell me that I don't know already. Non-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:43:00 2008 ]love? Liking? Infatuation? Empty love? Romantic? Companionate? Fatuous? Consummate[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:43:00 2008 ]?

No matter how many fancy words I can find none can match the fury and unabated hatred that burns me when I talk to you.

Are we ruled by eros? That magic feeling that makes you swoon, when you tell people, this is my boyfriend. Are we ruled by circumstance and situation?

Or is it merely phileo a brotherly love we share that has some how become sexual.

Maybe it's[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:44:00 2008 ] agape who binds us together with endless compassion.

But no fucking bible is going to define us. I don't know who, but someone once said love makes us human. My hatred for you is my love, because somewhere along the line I lost that pure spectrum of human caring. Does this make me unhuman?

Teach me. Kiss me, hold me, fight for me. Do this once this for me. I'm twice shy and I need your bite to bring be back from the dead. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:44:00 2008 ]

 

[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:01:00 2008 ]

Do you know what Speedballing is? No? I shouldn't know what Speedballing is. In theory according to my age, I should still be in high school. Maybe I would smoke Phoenix Downs while at parties and sip some cheap scummy Midgar brew and fondle my dumb beautiful teenage girl friend.
Speedballing is when you mix Mako, morphine, heroin and cocaine into the same needle. If you decided its necessary to smoke the shit its called Jenova Rocks - I don't fucking know why. It works like so: The coke hits you, real smooth and quickly, like the best fucking high you can afford, your heart is all BAH DUM BAH DUM BAH DUM. Then Mako slithers in on the sly and you can feel it rushing though your veins latching onto your white blood cells and sucking them dry - it's a good until the coke dissipates and that depressive sting of heroin starts to burn mixed in with the near nausea[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:46:00 2008 ] of good morphine. Your heart - well it ain'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:46:00 2008 ]t feeling so great, it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:46:00 2008 ]s all slow like those romantic high school dances I've missed out on. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:46:00 2008 ]

Now that you know what Speedballing is, does it make you happy? Does it fill that growing sense of unease building within your breast?[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:46:00 2008 ]

Fuck no it doesn't.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:47:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:47:00 2008 ]You're[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:47:00 2008 ] biting your nails, thinking of the B-Horror movie star who is riding a completely different high as he [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ]scratches and clutches me. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:47:00 2008 ]

You'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ]re[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ] definitely skimming past this looking for the juicy bits to grip your claws into; nothing I can write will make you feel the cheap sting of morphine and growing sickness and depression that comes with heroin[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ]. Hell,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ] the mako plays a small role in this kinda hit - it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ]s meant to quell those nasty side effects but it only enhances them. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:48:00 2008 ]

I hate humanity.

Okay so here we go.

My room was numero sette, as in seven.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ]W[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ]alking [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ]arm in arm with Vincent,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ] I knew I had one and a half minutes to figure out my game plan. First of all, alliances in the near future were paramount. I had the choice of the Triple Alliance (Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal) or the Triple Entente (Valentine, Tifa and presumably the protection of the Turks). His name, Zack, was barred entry to my mind. He was a stupid pawn. Nothing more. My brain ached. I would be Switzerland, neutral as all fuck, or aim to be anyway. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ]

I would stand my ground and refuse to pick a side;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:49:00 2008 ] Cloud would look out for Cloud. That being said, it was kind of crappy, the other sides had guns, me? My nails were getting pretty long.

I didn't want to fight anyone;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ]I just wanted to get on with my life.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ]It[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ]was all good pre-Zack, auto-pilot just works for me. That was an impossibility now.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:50:00 2008 ]I wanted out.

I swallowed. Valentine's grip on my arm did not ease up.

I really wanted out. Move to some ass-fuck town like Nibelh[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ]ei[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ]m[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ](fyi, did you know that Nibelh[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ]ei[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ]m [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:51:00 2008 ]is derived from the Norse word Niflhei[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 08:55:00 2008 ]m, meaning village in the mist?), and once I got there I would make it up as I went along. Meet some girl, (I've had it up to my balls with men - no more) have some offspring and then some day die with out ever being found.

However[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:02:00 2008 ] abysmal that may have sounded I was prepared to do it, [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:02:00 2008 ]n[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:02:00 2008 ]o one wants to be a tool for their entire life.

Oh the other hand, Vincent Valentine was now fucking me. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:02:00 2008 ]

Insert[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]grunt, insert[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]moan, insert… whatever.

Valentine didn't seem to care that I couldn't get it up from the moment he threw me onto the floor. He didn't care if the sticky floor boards scraped my bare skin as he nailed me, in fact he didn't seem to have the need to speak to me.

Oh god,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]he knows about Sephiroth, doesn't he?

I wondered what his infatuation with[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:03:00 2008 ]me was; I wondered if I really wanted to know.

I was confused, anguished and tired, still suffering from the night before. The rave flashed to my mind, I cringed involuntarily at the memory.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:04:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:04:00 2008 ]T[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:04:00 2008 ]hen Vincent came with a strangled moan.

Bo-r-r-r-r-ing.

I knew he wasn't done yet. My life was lacking a lot of things. Namely the balls and the convictions to go though with my intentions, escape or no escape. I was a pussy and a push over. All bark and no bite - a hound dog that never caught a rabbit and was never, ever a friend of Elvis….[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:06:00 2008 ]

If I really wanted to be free of this all, I needed leverage. Blackmail. The word had never sounded so sweet. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:06:00 2008 ]

But with what, and whom?

Valentine'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:06:00 2008 ]s arms were on [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:06:00 2008 ]either side of my head, he looked down at me - studying me. His face was serious as ever but the effect was lost on me, the fact he wasn't wearing any pants was almost amusing. Although he did have a rather nice shirt on, soft silk the colour of a shimmering bruise, purple but kohl at the same time.

The crime lord pressed his lips together and looked as though he was going to say something. I didn't allow him the chance.

“Your using the means of stenganography to communicate with Reeve Tuesti in Edge aren't you?” It sort of, maybe, slipped out. The thought of confronting him was deep within my mind, a stupid action.

His hand slapped across my right cheek quickly and he hoisted himself on to the floor sitting on his naked ass. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:08:00 2008 ]

“Now, now little Kitten, who taught you that big word?” He scolded me like a child.

Free from him I[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:09:00 2008 ] pushed myself up, deciding that answering probably wasn't the best course of action.

Was this information as important as I thought it would be? Wouldn't Sephiroth and his Dream Team have [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:09:00 2008 ]investigated this ruse early on?[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:09:00 2008 ]

Could it really buy me my freedom? Would Genesis really be able to prosecute without any evidence to support my claim… Hold on, wait a minute. Ten points if you're thinking what I'm thinking.

“Was it your friend who stitched your hand?” He asked carelessly.

I swallowed, snapping out of my daydream.

This time he didn't wait for me to answer.

“It'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:10:00 2008 ]s been ten days since our last fateful meeting. Its time for those to come out. I trust that your little friend did it after I left,” he gave me a smile that didn't reach his cold red eyes. “The stitch you have in your hand is a suture. There are three common types used by doctors and surgeons, the running stitch, the mattress stitch, and the common run of the mill stitch. But those are wickedly[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:10:00 2008 ] beautiful;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:11:00 2008 ] the vertical mattress stitch. Used by those trained by the Shin[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:11:00 2008 ]-Ra military corps.”

The fucking asshole was just filled with useless information.

“How do you know all this?” I asked darkly.

“Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.”

I pouted and sat and curled by arms around my body, tucking my hand away. I remember thinking I'll remind Zack to take them out nexttime[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:11:00 2008 ]I… I grimaced. Idiot.

Vincent sneered at me.

“To think, I suspected you would fear me, on the contrary, you'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:12:00 2008 ]re[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:12:00 2008 ] even more unabashed then last time I saw you.”

The fucking idiot, I'm practically shitting myself.

I watched him as he slid his pants over his narrow hips, the rank motherfucker didn't wear any underwear, go figure. He stood pulling them up, and for a moment had this back turned to me, whilst putting on his tie. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:12:00 2008 ]

“You'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:13:00 2008 ]re[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:13:00 2008 ] feisty, Kitten,” he said, but I didn't hear the rest, my eyes were fixed on his wide back pockets. In one there was a kit bag - for you know, needles and shit, but my interest in that was vague, in the other was a expensive looking leather wallet. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:13:00 2008 ]

Hold on, wait a minute. Ten points if you're thinking what I'm thinking.

If I wanted blackmail the most ideal situation was looking at [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:14:00 2008 ]me.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:14:00 2008 ] I[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:15:00 2008 ]n fact, it was only just tucked into his pocket. That gave me one chance, one chance that I could not fuck up.

He was still blabbing as I rose, I stepped behind him, wrapping one hand around his waist and the other around his neck, my fingers teasing the soft skin of his chin. The other hand moved from his waist down the hem of his pants, he growled, words catching in his throat as my exploring fingers grasped and stroked. For the moment the sicko was putty in my hands, and I buckled my hips pushing upwards against his ass. The force was enough to send the wallet to fall from its resting place. It fell noiselessly on to my foot.

When the job was done he turned and I let my hands fall, as expected he had a knife in his other hand. My body reverberated in fear and I stepped back, my foot falling on wallet.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:15:00 2008 ] W[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:15:00 2008 ]ith as much stealth I could muster I kicked the object behind me.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:15:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:15:00 2008 ]I heard it slide, into what I thought was my slightly ajar closet.

If Valentine noticed it, he did not let it [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:16:00 2008 ]show.

“You really are such a spectacular creature,” He said, in that soft,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:16:00 2008 ] dangeroustone[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:16:00 2008 ]. “Such a shame…” Wait,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:16:00 2008 ]what? “You think I didn't know about Sephiroth?” I swallowed and the gangster continued, amused by the look of shock on my face, “You really think you could hide such a thing from me?” How the fuck could he know? “You showed so, so, much promise.”

He pulled the kit bag from his other pocket and withdrew a needle filled with a lightly glowing substance.

“V-Vincent, I-I have no idea what y-you're talking about, I would never s-say anything to S-S-Sephiroth,” I stammered[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:17:00 2008 ].

Reno? A bit of saving would be nice right about now. Come on man, no hard feelings.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:17:00 2008 ] H[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:17:00 2008 ]elp?

“So, so much promise,” He squirted the air bubbles from the syringe[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:17:00 2008 ], and with surprising speed he lurched forward and grabbed my arm.

“Pl-please! Don't! I s-s-wear to God...”

I'm no dumb apple;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:17:00 2008 ] I knew my words were useless.

“Cloud, Cloud, I would have loved to fucked your sweet ass day in and day out, but seeing that our precious moments are about to come to an end, I suppose this good bye.”

He shoved the needle into my skin, it fitted so smoothly and naturally it struck me that my skin was just a waiting sheath[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:18:00 2008 ] for the needle. He pressed down and my blood stream was flooded with a strange new sensation.

Speedballing.

As the before [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:18:00 2008 ]mentioned cocaine hit me and I crumpled to my knees, Valentine loomed over me, and [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:18:00 2008 ]the knife slid into my skin like butter.

Not one cut but two, then three, then half a dozen growing more and more, every where, none too deep, but deep enough to drain me.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:19:00 2008 ] M[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:19:00 2008 ]e, the twitching drug fucked looser on the floor.

The motherfucker was speaking, I didn't grasp a word.

Zack, are you going to burst in impromptu and sexy to save the day? You've saved me twice now, how about third time lucky?

It struck me that all the people who might have once saved me had all been pushed away, obviously by me.

I gasped, “Venus… Wasn't I your one true love?” Talk about emotional blackmail. I don't know what I was thinkin' that kind of shit never works.

Vincent raised his knife and gazed at me, hostility burning in his eyes,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:56:00 2008 ] b[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:56:00 2008 ]ut he said no more.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:56:00 2008 ] H[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:56:00 2008 ]is cruel work was over.

He stood with deliberate [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:20:00 2008 ]elegance, and walked to the doorway. There[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:55:00 2008 ] he paused[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:55:00 2008 ], eyes glinting darkly,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:56:00 2008 ]“Good night, sweet prince,” he murmured coldly. And left.

Details start to get a little hazy here and disgusting, I was drenched with my own blood once again, and starting to throw up, gagging and slipping in my own gore. The walls started to change colours.

I couldn't help but think of the wallet in my closet. I had been so close. So close.

I was dying. The world grew hazy, but I fought to keep my eyes open.

More accurately, I fought, I bled, I spewed, I cried.

From the beginning Sephiroth must of known that I would have never rat him out to Vincent. On the other hand, he must of known that my demise was fast approaching. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]

I was the suicidal pawn: [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:57:00 2008 ]I wondered what the purpose my death would serve to Shin-Ra.

But I did not die. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]

 

[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]

You know in Medieval Europe they believed there was a plant that was like a lamb, or sheep, that was connected by an umbilical cord which was the stem of a plant. The sheep was like this plant'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]s fruit or flower. It was all kinds of fucked up. The sheep fruit would just chill and graze and shit until all the grass around it was gone and it would starve to death.

When you'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]re[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ] covered in a second skin of crispy dried blood, things like these become very important. But that's mainly because I was tripping absolute motherfucking balls.

Maybe it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:22:00 2008 ]s abstract symbolism. I am quite lamb[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:22:00 2008 ]-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:22:00 2008 ]like in appearance.

Back to more important shit. The eight-part [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:58:00 2008 ]Circuit Model of Consciousness (l[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:22:00 2008 ]et'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:22:00 2008 ]s just call it the CMC) was coined by some psychologistcalled[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:58:00 2008 ] Tim Leary; the basic gist[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:23:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:23:00 2008 ]of it was, the higher up you are on the evolutionary scale of things the more of the CMC applies to you. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:23:00 2008 ]

It could also be used to describe the various states of awareness I traversed[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:59:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:59:00 2008 ]through my trip.

1. The Bio-survival Circuit.
The world is one dimensional, forward to objects deemed as trusted, back away from danger. Pretty simple.

I drifted in and out of consciousness. I was alive, a little cold maybe, but I felt no pai[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:02:00 2008 ]n[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:02:00 2008 ].

I seemed to have reached a strange peak[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:24:00 2008 ], whether it was shock or the drugs, or a combination of the two, I had reached the state of mind that was like being reborn.

I was some kind of beast dwelling in its cave.

I was borderline bewildered T[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:24:00 2008 ]here is a concept called the `Mind At Large', drugs can take away the barriers that[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:24:00 2008 ] filter reality from fantasy, for the moment space and dimension were[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:03:00 2008 ] irrelevant. My mind could not confront my almost-death at the hands of Vincent. I acted on an impulse and I was egoless. I willed my body up and it unpleasantly made a ripping sound as I stood[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:03:00 2008 ]. I took no notice and looked down at my naked blood encrusted body, which cracked with my movements and looked like fish scales. I took two steps to my closet. Curiously my brain informed me that my state of nakedness should be dealt with, I put on my red silk dressing gown.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:25:00 2008 ] M[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:25:00 2008 ]y brain willed me to look at my feet.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:04:00 2008 ] Vincent's wallet stared back at me. I picked it up, enjoying the feel of leather under my worn fingers.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:04:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:04:00 2008 ]S[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 10:04:00 2008 ]hock shuddered through me.

2. The Emotion Circuit.
The mind starts to concern itself with emotion, and the world (which now has the conceivable elements of up and down) is split into submissive and dominant[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ]behaviour.

I swallowed, I was flooded, over whelmed by a sense of accomplishment, all that pain and shit was worth it. If that over-lord felt like he could dominate me, kill me even.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ]H[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ]e could go take a hike. I would bide my time. One day everyone would be my submissive bitch slave, that day was sooner then I thought[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ]. Almost in my grasp. I just had to keep on going. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:26:00 2008 ]

My trip felt as though it was waning, but that was just the morphine wearing it[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ]self down. I hadn't even felt the Mako, and was still well in the grasp of the heroin. But the return of a watered down sense of self caused me to feel more secure. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ]

Let me tell you a little more about my own moral stance;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ]I've been an individualist my entire life. It's the philosophy that presses the importance of independence and self-reliance. Admittedly I'm not a great individualist, most are rich with decent jobs. It's a stance motivated by the pursuit[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ][Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:27:00 2008 ]of self interest. Which is easy to say if you've got the money or the stability to do so. I on the other hand, was a little too [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:28:00 2008 ]preoccupied for the last seven years with living to worry about a disposable belief.

My individualism relates back to everything in my life. Hell even Valentine could read it own my palm, “Jupiter. Religion, pride, respect. Saturn, Mercury, Lower Mars… Ahh, you're quite indifferent, aren't you?” As an individualist you are by default opposed to any aspect of life that limits your actions and expressions as an individual. In politics it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:28:00 2008 ]s called `lassaiz [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:30:00 2008 ]faire'. If you are confused, our good buddy Ronald Scollon can help you out. He reckons that individuals can be defined by two points. One, the individual is defined by what they are not, and two, the individual is the basis of reality and all society.

I kind of almost agree with him. But I will leave that to dispute among yourselves.

After a few minutes of my brain getting used to the return of emotion, I snapped out of my daze. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:30:00 2008 ]I slipped the wallet into my pocket (with the strange sensation that the `other' Cloud would want it later) and then willed myself out of the room. It was early evening. So the boys were hard at work (heh, get it) but I felt no desire to hang in the hallway listening to staged moans. And with supposed purpose I moved down towards the shower block. A blushing business man brushed past me, staring with a glint of fear in his eyes.

In my delirious state I felt like a Godhead, he saw me for the dominant [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:31:00 2008 ]he-beast I was. Demyx poked his head out of his room, head draped around by the soft blue of his curtain. The colour was so… Never mind.

He-Beast. I would dominate. I would destroy. Nothing was safe from me.

“Jesus Christ Cloud!” He exclaimed quietly. “What the fuck happened?” I stared at him blankly. “Wait, dude, I don't want to know. Hey, I think Reno is still in the bath rooms, he's tripping something hardcore…” There was a note of concern that I would have normally disputed. By the look on Demyx's stupid face, he had realised that I was also not in a normal state. He hid once again behind the curtain.

And I continued my journey to the bathroom.

Once inside I was confronted by my blood spattered reflection.

3. The Symbolic Circuit
When hominids realised they were different from their primate cousins, they entered what is believed to be the third circuit. They developed a sense of left and right and dexterity related to picking up and handling objects.

There was just so much blood. My lips were split, bleeding, my check slashed, bleeding; [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:32:00 2008 ]blood seeping through my robe. So,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:32:00 2008 ] so,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:32:00 2008 ] so much blood.

It'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:32:00 2008 ]s taken me a while to pin down what happened next but,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:33:00 2008 ] I think for you to understand it,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:33:00 2008 ] you need to know about Psychogeography. Now that's a big word. It's the study of the effects of geography on the mind. I'm not implying that the dingy architecture of the bathroom caused me to realise a new and unexplored aspect of my imagination (which all good architecture [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:34:00 2008 ]should[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:33:00 2008 ] do,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:33:00 2008 ] by the way), but I'll give you this quote.

“People can see nothing around them that is not their own image; everything speaks to them of themselves.”

If the bathroom were a reflection of myself, I would be a fat toothless old woman,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:35:00 2008 ] b[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:35:00 2008 ]ut it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:34:00 2008 ]s not.[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:34:00 2008 ] I[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:34:00 2008 ]t was the taps really. Every way that I touched them, their soft metal curves and the scrawny necks of pipes that lifted their heads like heavy flowers, was some how fascinating. I played with them; delighted by the way I could make the water flow, and how their shiny metal surfaces showed me a twisted world.

If I ever intended to clean my self, it never happened, I heard a sound from behind me. I turned and was met by a half drowned almost-lucid Reno.

4. The Domestic Circuit.
[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:35:00 2008 ]Is all about socialising, it came about when tribes did. Encouraging interaction. Morality and sexuality are two such elements that come to play with the realisation of existence, and, of course, time.

My jaw dropped. The redheaded asshole was wrapped in shower curtains and under a cascade of water from several showerheads all pointed at him. His legs were bent and his combat boot clad feet rested on the walls. His jack was long discarded and his white dress shirt was see-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:36:00 2008 ]through from the water.

“Yo! Are they gone?” He asked very seriously.

“What?” I croaked.

He l[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:36:00 2008 ]et out an exasperated sigh.

“You must have fuckin' seen them!” He said with equal sincerity.

“What?” I repeated.

His brow furrowed.

“Do you speak English?” He asked.

“What?” I said even more[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:37:00 2008 ] confused.

“English, motherfucker, do you speak it?” And then he cackled. He was obviously a Pulp Fiction fan. “But seriously, dude! They were fucking floating octopus! Six-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:37:00 2008 ]fucking -[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:37:00 2008 ]foot tall octopi! Probably a client into that hentai Wutai-shit, yo.”

I observed him, and after a few moments I spoke, calm, unevaluated words.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU'RE WORKING FOR SPEHIROTH AREN'T YOU-“ but I was cut off by a soaking Reno, launching himself at me pulling me under the freezing water.

He brought an almost blue finger to his lips.

“Shh! I can hear them. Fuck man, can't you? They are fucking speaking in that fuckin' weird-ass Wutai launguagelanguage[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:38:00 2008 ] and everything.” He croaked, fear making his eyes grow wide.

Still not completely recovered myself I clung to his shirt, not even realising that I was on his lap.

I continued my lecture quietly.

“You're working for Sephiroth, Valentine tried to kill me because I am the He-Beast, and I will one day rule the world.” I told him in all seriousness.

He stared at me, and then nodded.

“I can fucking see it dude,” he informed me, nodding vigorously.

“Then you will be spared.”

Reno continued to observe me with his viridian eyes,eyes;[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:38:00 2008 ] I promptly informed him that I liked them.

I think this is only single moment he and I got along. Our egos were replaced by paranoia of the world'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:38:00 2008 ]s attempt to have me done away with and his rapist six foot octopi.

To justify what happened next, I think its time to inform you over the next level of the CMC.

5. The Neurosomatic Circuit
This is circuit is recognised as part of the right-brain and supposed[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ]ly inactive in most humans. It's the circuit that some day will be used in space travel; and is also associated with eroticism.

In my mind,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ] I had reached a far off state that I should have never strayed into. My brain isn't equipped for such matters. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ]

Everything in the room felt like it was suspended in the air, if the air was some kind of see see-[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ]though,[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ] air -[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:39:00 2008 ]tasting jelly that is. I could see the stars, that glinted though the quagmire around us. The water turned into a single bolt of suspended animation. I fell on to my back off Reno's lap laying shell shocked in the icy water that resembled silk in every way, and I didn't even notice the Turks' hand slipping under my sodden robe.

I guess because he didn't pay, neither should you. But fuck. Don't expect me to graphically describe yours truly being jerked off by him, my[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:40:00 2008 ] most loathed enemy.

His touch caused me to moan and arch my back in the most sensual way, and but before I had reached my climax I sat up back onto his lap, shoving my crotch onto his and spreading my legs so one was on either side of him.

“My name is Buck, and I'm here to fuck,” The film reference was not lost on him and he leered and licked his lips in a moment of caution. The nausea that came with sitting up over powered me and I fell back on my back, and Reno was above me much like Valentine was before.

I grinned. But the redhead didn't.

“You are a fucking kid,” He said each word with bitter sadness. I just looked at him stunned. “A fucking kid, whom Zack would jump in front of a bridge for.”

Was that supposed to make sense? I think he meant truck, but it is Reno after all. It is healthy to give him the benefit of the doubt.

6. The Neuroelectric Circuit
The mind begins to become independent from the body. Enables telepathic communication.

After that he didn't touch me and I pulled my robe[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:41:00 2008 ] around my body again. The nausea abated and I almost got up. I was feeling far too[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:41:00 2008 ] apathetic to do so however. Of course my thoughts were on Zack, I was infatuated with the man. His kindness, his unexpected temper, his easy trust, his kisses. I closed my eyes, picturing him, undressing him. But it wasn't satisfying. I don't know if you could call it telekinesis. But for a moment I could see all that the dark haired man was seeing. A boardroom? There was shouting, a silver man gloating, and a[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:41:00 2008 ] sense of being deceived. I feel asleep.

When I woke up most of the lights were out, and so were the showers. I wondered if the redhead had turned them off himself or the water had given out. I no longer felt possessed by the He-Beast, and I was in a huge amount of pain, magnified by the bone chilling cold.

The redhead was awake and propped up against the wall.

I moved curiously closer to him, wincing in pain.

“Reno?” I whispered, nudging him softly with my good hand. His eyes were open and glossed over, he turned his head to face me. I could see the sheen of sweat on his forehead. Weakly he pulled me on to him once more and I curled against his hot flesh.

“My brother is your age,” he whispered with a smile, but he didn't look at me. I rested my woozy head on his shoulder. “The whole reason I became a Turk was so he wouldn't end up… on [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:42:00 2008 ]the streets,” his murmur was weak and strained. “… I thought I could protect him.” His voice grew even more faint. “I failed.” The Turks' eyes shut slowly and I found myself slipping off again.

7. The Neurogenetic Circuit
The mind can now access genetic memory contained in data, connecting it to memories of past lives and the collective unconsciousness.

I dreamed I was a Nordic Viking [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:42:00 2008 ]sailing the bitter ocean. I dreamed I was a female yoga teacher who killed herself. I dreamed I was a half starved teenager who sold his body for a living and was in for a world of trouble.

8. The Psycho-atomic Circuit
Lets humans operate outside of predetermined space-time and relativity.

Suffice to say the CMC may start off logical. But mostly, its rubbish.

Since that night I have always contested[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:43:00 2008 ] reality. [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:43:00 2008 ]

 

[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:21:00 2008 ]

Maybe it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:44:00 2008 ]s not you I hate. Maybe it'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:44:00 2008 ]s me. All this senseless[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:44:00 2008 ] prattling on about masturbation and love. I truly have no idea what'[Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:44:00 2008 ]s going on in my head - I just fucking wing it. Make it up as I go along.

Help me.

Or at [Author ID1: at Wed Oct 22 09:44:00 2008 ]least tell me what the fuck I'm supposed to be.