Final Fantasy - All Series Fan Fiction ❯ Violating the Laws of Stupidity ❯ THE Chapter ( One-Shot )

Violating the Laws of Stupidity

One-Shot Fan Fiction

Final Fantasy VIII

Rating - PG-13

Please Read and Review.

Characters and 'Landmarks' Belong To Squaresoft

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The Letter

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Dear Seifer,

How are you darling? I hope that this letter reaches you in good health.

I have some wonderful news! Cid is willing to grant you a pardon if you will appear in front of a jury and confess to your crimes. He says that if you do that, the maximum punishment you will get is probation for your remaining time as a student and withheld pay for 3 months once you become a SeeD. That is quite minor considering all that has happened.

Everyone wants you to come back, even Squall. He says that Garden is boring without you running around and picking fights with him all of the time.

Please say that you will come.

With lots of love,

Your mother, Edea

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Prep for the Trip

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"Yes, Yes. Just pick it up in front of the building as soon as you can. Thank you." Seifer hung up the phone and started to assemble the wooden crate. His plan was perfect. Save money on a plane ticket and ship himself by way of Cargo Ships instead. He would set the box outside, nail himself into it, and away he would go.

He would normally spring for a ticket, but he had no money. It was easier to pay 300 Gil to ship a package when a ship ticket would cost 1000. Now that he was known as the Sorceress Knight, the cost of living went way up for him wherever he went. And jobs would become scarce as soon as he came into town. No one would want to hire him, and no one wanted to be his landlord. So he took to living in abandoned buildings, and stealing money wherever he went.

But now that Cid was willing to give him a pardon that would stop. He would be able to have some hot meals now and sleep in a real bed. Using that as an incentive, he got himself cleaned up and had started to work on the crate.

"ARG! How many nails do you need in this thing?!?!?!"

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The Start of the Journey

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Seifer looked at his watch for the fifth time in the last minute. 'Damn it! Why can't they just get over here and pick me up!'

Everything had gone according to plan so far. He was scrunched into the box and the top was securely nailed shut. All he needed now was for them to pick it up and drop it off at the docks. The only problem was that they where late, the sun was rising up high in the sky, and Seifer was starting to suffocate from the heat.

'I swear to Hyne, if they do not get here soon I'm going to take a shot-gun, go to their Headquarters, and kill every single lazy postman!'

His thoughts where interrupted when the sound of a car engine came beside and stopped next to where the crate was. Footsteps could be heard, and the feeling of the crate being lifted up and onto the truck came to pass.

'Finally! Now I'm on my way!'

"Yo, Bro! What do you think is in this box that we picked up, huh? It should be something good, I mean, look at its size man!"

'What the?!?!?!?!?'

"Yeah my man! It might have something Big Tommy will want! Then we can get more of the 'stuff'!"

"Yeah, man!"

Apparently, these guys where not post office workers.

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Godfather!

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'Oh Shit, Oh Shit, Oh Shit!'

Seifer was beginning to panic. He was stuck in a crate that was picked up by the wrong people, and when they did finally open the crate, he was going to be in BIG trouble.

The car had gone on for a few miles by what he could tell, and then it screeched to a stop. Shuffling could be heard, and then the crate was lifted up and carried for a distance.

"Dude, man. This thing is heavy!"

"Well, ya know, it might have a TV set in it or sumthin'."

They then dropped the box, conversed with some rough sounding guy, and pushed the box into another room. From what Seifer could hear, it was some sort of conference area or something of the like.

"So, Big Tommy, could we exchange this crate here for some of the 'stuff'?"

"I don't think you understand, little Bonny. Now you come to me and you say -- "Big Tommy give me some 'stuff'." -- But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to pluck her eyebrows, and you ask me to give you some 'stuff', for no money. Just a lousy crate with nothing in it. Now how is that supposed to make me feel, eh?"

'I think I'm going to go crazy listening to this…'

"I- I'm sorry Big Tommy."

"Get them and they're crate outta here."

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Flotsam and Jetsam

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'Ugh. Don't they usually put their cargo inside the ship?'

After Little Bonny and the other kid got kicked out from wherever they had gone, they had put the crate back exactly where they had found it. As luck would have it, the post office man came by about five minutes after to pick up the crate. So now it was on the correct route to Balmb by way of Cargo Ship.

The seagulls cawed, Seifer cursed, and the sea tossed the boat making him feel extremely sick.

'That's it. I have to get out of this thing and get some fresh air!'

Banging on the lid of the crate for a while, he finally got enough of it to come loose for him to squeeze out.

"Ahh. Thank Hyne I'm out of there."

Standing outside of the crate, Seifer could see that the boat was not far from the coast of the Centra continent. 'Hmm… that is where the crate is going to switch to air cargo. Thank Hyne I studied the shipping route.'

"Uh-Oh." Heavy footsteps could be heard on the starboard side, drifting over to where he was standing. Taking no chances, Seifer quickly squeezed back into the crate, closing it just before the men got to where he was.

"So, Jim Bob. How is yer wife back in Centra?"

Moving his head to the far left corner of the box, Seifer could see out of a tiny crack that he had left in the crate so that he had some airflow. Outside he could see two burlesque men wearing overalls, old dirty baseball caps, and each had a bottle of beer in one hand and a curtain-shopping magazine in the other.

"Ahh… she's doin' good. I think she's pregnant with a boy, that I do."

"But Jim Bob, all eleven of yer kids are girls. How can this 'n be a boy?"

"It's all in how much beer you drink before, Earl. I dun had three six-packs before the day was through, and I tell ya, it's gonna be a boy."

'Hyne, why is today the day that all of the hicks come out? Is it a full moon or something?'

"Come on Earl, let's rip one!"

Leaning back to the wall of the crate, Seifer clapped a hand over his eyes and inwardly groaned. 'Why do I have the feeling that I do not want to witness this activity?'

A loud ripping sound rang out, echoing across the ship. Wondering what they were doing, Seifer moved his head to the crack to see what was going on. What he saw was atrocious to say the least.

The two Hicks were having a farting contest.

Eyes watering and with both hands clamped over his nose, Seifer moved as far as he could from the crack to put his foot over it, trying to stop the smell from entering his crate.

"Good one, Jim Bob!"

'Oh Hyne… I'm going to die from the stench!'

---

'Transfer the boxes and have some tea'

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"One, Two, Heave!"

The ship had arrived at the docks in Centra, and the crew was now offloading the cargo to the docks. The agenda was for trucks to take everything to the airfield and load it onto the plane there, but until then, Seifer would have to wait in the box.

"Oh, Mister Man? Mister Man?"

Peeking out of the crack once again, Seifer could see an old lady flagging down one of the men shipping the cargo. She was the typical blue-haired old lady, with a navy blue flowery dress with white lace on the collars and cuffs and a little handbag to match.

'Hyne, it's blast from the past over here. Where did she come from? The pre-Adel era?'

She finally succeeded into getting the man to stop and talk to her. Stooping down, he regarded her with the utmost respect.

"What're you doin' here, ya old croon?"

"I want you to have some tea with me!"

'This is going to be a long day…'

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'Air Cargo'

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The crate walls rattled and rolled around him as the wheels that where placed on the bottom of the crate made it roll around the back of the plane. Gripping onto whatever he could, Seifer tried to steady the crate so that it wouldn't move so much. It didn't work.

Mentally berating himself over coming up with the idea of nailing himself into a crate, he tried to listen in on the conversation that was going on up in the cockpit.

"Eyhay istermay, ancay ouyay oday omethingsay orfay emay?"

"Hatway siay tiay?"

"Luckpay histay ickenchay?"

"Otnay aay anceay!"

"Kayoay…"

'That was… understandable… Now what am I going to do?'

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'Meanwhile…'

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Meanwhile back at the docks…

"So, Mister Man, how do you like your tea?"

"Jus' fine miss Lady… jus' fine. Tastes good, that it does."

"That is good. I like it that when people drink arsenic they usually like how it tastes."

"…"

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'Delivered at Noon'

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"Package Delivery for Cid Kramer."

"I'll take it, thanks."

Instructor Quistis stood at the door of the Headmaster's office, allowing the deliveryman to drop off the package. Paying him, she shut the door after he left and started to shove the crate towards the desk.

Getting halfway there, the crate started to shake, causing her to jump back and reach for her Save The Queen.

"Ack! Am I here? Is everything okay?" A panel flew off the top of the box, allowing Seifer's head to poke through and look around. Seeing Quistis' shocked expression, he gave his infamous smirk and shrugged. "Hey, Instructor. Why the fish eyes?"

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[a.n.] - The 'language' the pilots were speaking was Pig Latin.

This fic was inspired by the idiotic man who sent himself by way of airmail to see his folks. I don't remember his name, but I think his story was a great opportunity to promote Seifer's 'stupid' tendencies.

Most of the text in the "Godfather!" segment is from the movie… wait for it… 'The Godfather'! I basically took some of the text and altered it. I claim no responsibility and/or ownership of said text. That belongs to Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola (the writers of the screenplay). - [/a.n]