THE ZELL DINCHT COLLECTION

WARNINGS

1) I do not own Zell, Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, Seifer, Selphie, Irvine, Quistis, or any other character I may mention from the FF8 series. I may add some more characters, which are mine. If you steal them, I probably won't find out about it. I also do not own most of the towns, monsters, etc… used in this story.

2) This was written cause Zell is the coolest character ever to be created in the FF series. It's rated NC-17 for mostly sex, but there's also some language and violence.

3) This is a yaoi story. If you are offended by yaoi or don't know what it is, I suggest you leave. You have been warned.

Ok think I got everything. Just read it and leave me some feedback. If you flame me I'll find it funny, so do whatever the hell makes you feel good.

A/N: 1) Zell POV 2) DEISM: The belief that all people are good, but they show it in varying degrees.

CHAPTER 25: My Best

TO: guthardzj65159@Balambgarden.com

FROM: ZDSeeDHotDog@GIO.com

DATE: 11/4

SUBJECT: I'm Trying My Best

Hey Zoe. I meant to write you sooner, but I've been busy. …Okay, I've been avoiding it. I won't be surprised if you delete this, but I guess it really doesn't matter. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to hear from me either. So you might ask why I'm writing this, well…I got to get some stuff off my chest. So I'm writing this for me as much as I am for you. Some of this is just my thoughts; so if you don't get it, don't worry about it. If you already deleted it, oh well, at least I feel a little better. If not, keep reading, cause I hope it'll let you see where I'm coming from.

Listen, I'm real sorry for what happened the last time I talked to you. I really didn't mean for it to go over like that, it's just…I'm a mess. I got in some deep shit up here, and things are looking bad. We've been friends for almost what, seventeen-eighteen years now? You know I can be an ass at times, and I think I was the biggest ass a month ago. I've been trying my best to ignore you while I was up here, but my barrier fell yesterday. We all joke how Squall has this ice shield, well I tried to build one of my own. Mine was a bubble though, and I can't live the stoic lifestyle. I can't just say, "fuck you Zoe", because I'm missing you. You cross my mind at least once every day, and I can't ignore that any more.

I've trying my hardest. I really wish people would see that, but it never feels like they do. It's just little stuff like looking out for people or making sure things go smoothly, but nobody says anything. Expectations are too high. I tried my best to stay friends with both you and Puma, but it failed in the end. I wasn't oppressively mean to either of you, and I didn't try to pick favorites. Shit just happened. You know I still care about you Zoe. I didn't mean to use you or lead you on; I was just confused. If you take anything out of this, I hope that's what you take. If I ever get out of this hellhole, I hope I can still talk to you. I hope we can still go to the winter festival together. I hope we can still hang out together. If not, I understand. Just try to know I didn't try to. I'm not a malicious person. If I could take back that conversation we had before I left, I would.

Oh yeah, how's Ma? I haven't seen her in over a month, and I know she must be going crazy. I miss that house. I'd go visit her right now if I could, but I'm stuck here. It's funny how the place I'd like to vacation to the most right now is home. I've spent my whole life there, and told myself that the world was much greater outside of it. The world sucks. Timber sucks. Deling City sucked. The Tomb of the Unknown King sucked. I want nothing better then to sleep in my bed, and hold hall duty tomorrow. I'm stuck here though, with a bunch of bastards.

The people here are evil. Before, I thought Seifer was the worst person in the world, but after being up here, there are ton worse. Politics run this fucking place. People think they know what's good and evil, but I've learned there's no such thing. There's this Rinoa Heartily bitch here and she thinks she's Hyne himself. People follow her too, which I don't get. At least everyone was on the same wavelength at the garden, but here, the people are idiots. They follow issues blindly, and fight battles just to prove their power. You think of Deism. Deism my ass. People don't use their heads. They don't know the difference between right and wrong. They conform to a society, and follow the society's rules. Rinoa Heartily runs one of those societies.

That's why I'm trying to surround myself with people who actually use their heads. People may think I'm wrong, but at least I know I'm right. Balamb is the only bright spot in the world I have yet to find. Puma always talks about FH being so great, and you will prolly stand up for Centra, but out here…I hate it out here. Why don't people watch? Why don't they think? Why don't they listen? Why don't they fucking change? I kept telling myself that this was only cause they don't see things the way I do. It's not that. It's that they see things so wrong. You don't always have to agree with me, but there's a spectrum of agreement, and it pisses me off when you're on the complete opposite end of it. There's a happy medium, but these people can't seem to find it. People say that violence isn't the answer, but after seeing these people, I think it's the only way. A conversation won't change them. A cup of tea won't make them good people. That's why I fight.

I can't wait to get home. It's now…3:22 in the morning, and the night won't seem to end. I've tried to sleep, but it won't happen…it can't happen. It started to rain about an hour ago, which only added to my insomnia. I don't think anyone's sleeping right now; I think we're all up. Today…shit went bad. It's strange how you can live the quiet peaceful life for a month, and then have everything go wrong in the matter of a day. I lived a good life right? I didn't murder any innocent puppies. I didn't push my mother down a flight of stairs. Why does this shit happen? I didn't ask for this. Hell, I didn't deserve this.

You go through life thinking if I do this, this, and this, I'll be successful. I did this, this, and this, and shit still went wrong. You try to put an excuse behind it, but nothing fits. I never thought my job could hurt me this way, but deep down, I knew this day would come. I told myself "Oh that'll never happen, I'm careful." Maybe I wasn't careful enough. I keep telling myself, if I would've done this, or if I could've done that, but it doesn't help. I can't do this or that anymore. It brings me back to rewinding time. We used to joke of all the fun we could've had if we could. I would watch out for the stool the day I tripped in class, or I wouldn't have told Mary she was ugly. You don't know how desperately I need that right now though. It's so hard to know it's not possible.

"I tried my best." It stabs me every time I think it. I went out there and did my best, but I still couldn't stop it. Nobody cared about my effort, or stopped to think that I was a little hurt when my everything got me nothing. I train, and I train, and I train to be the best, but it doesn't really matter. I could train all day and all night, but it wouldn't change things. It's hard to be outsmarted by someone who really wasn't trying that hard. When natural talent out beats your best. I could've trained a lot harder at the Garden, but it wouldn't have changed squat. They were a group of idiots too. I could have beaten them all one-on-one, but as a group, the stupidity overwhelmed me. They didn't train as hard as I did. They didn't try as hard as I did, but because they're the majority…tch…I tried so hard…

To tell you the truth, I don't know how Squall or Selphie or Seifer feels right now. For all I know, they could be writing a letter like this too. They don't feel the same way I do though. They're hurt, but not destroyed. My legs are sliced pretty well, and I had to crawl out of bed to write this. I don't know if I'll be able to stand the next time Squall leads them into battle. I'm not helpful right now; I'm just luggage. Someone to carry along out of pity. They have to bring me along, cause I started the mission, and they know I want to see it through. I'm more of a bother then an asset though. Squall knows that, I can see it in his eyes. He doesn't have the rudeness to say it, and even if he did, I still don't think he would. Today changed my perspective on things. I thought if I went all out, nobody would be able to stop me. I went all out, and now I'm angry, depressed, and useless. My best failed me.

I know this is getting more depressing as I go, but how else can I put this. Today is the worst day of my life. I've been chewed up, spit out, and then kicked for good measure. I lost. You'd think I'd be imprisoned or something, but I'm sitting in a hotel room with a jabbing pain running up my legs. Squall won today. Selphie won today. Seifer won today. Hell even Irvine won today. I lost. Sure they feel bad, and are going to try to get me to win in the end, but the chances are slim. I've been defeated, and it's really hard to get up this time. I'll do better this time though. I've given my all, but not in a rage. They fucked with me. They spit in my face. I'm really pissed now. I won't fail. I won't fail without dying. I'm not giving up. Squall won't give up. Seifer won't give up. Selphie won't give up. They pissed us all off. There will be vengeance. I will get them. I will get her.

You're probably asking what the hell I've been talking about. I've been trying to avoid mentioning it for the last page, cause I really don't want to relive it. I'm not supposed to tell you, but I got to. …Timber screwed us. Squall got some contact in Galbadia Garden (Irvine), and learned the town was pissed at us. I later learned they bugged our room, and heard everything about the mission. They tried to kill us, but we fought them. Squall came, and I fought by his side. I took down the mob; person after person after person. I was hit though. Rinoa chopped up my legs, and I fell. I couldn't get up. I tried, but my body wouldn't let me. I was too weak. Luckily, the group saved me, and we were able to liberate the town. But…they took Puma. I don't know where he's at. I failed. I lost. I tried my best to find him, but he was gone. I couldn't do anything. I was so weak.

It stabs me now, as I hate myself. I let it happen. I let him out of my sight. You know how much he meant to me back at the Garden. Even though it pained you to see it, he meant everything. It kills me that they snatched him away. They are bastards. I will kill them. If they hurt him in any way, I will hunt each one down, until the town doesn't exist. It may have hurt you every time he was around, but you know he was a good kid. He wasn't mean. He was friendly. He'd help you anytime you asked him to. And it just kills me. I can't do anything. …I haven't cried in a long time now. Not since we were little. I thought I was over that by now, so I brush them away, and replace them with anger. They don't know who they're messing with.

It's sort of ironic, as Puma suggested I write this. He knew I wasn't happy, even when I acted like I was. I always told him I would talk to you later, but I never did. It's sad he didn't get to see me write this, cause he really liked you Zoe. That kid took the world on his shoulders. I think he thought it was his fault that we fought. It really wasn't though. I wish I could tell him that now. I wish I could let him read this. It's too late now though. You know what?…today is his birthday. There's another kick in the side. I bought him one of those newer Quarterstaffs (a red and black one, cause those were his colors). I didn't get to wrap it, yet, and it's still sitting underneath my bed. He probably thought I'd forget, but I've gotten better at that (Your's is June 10th). I really wish I could have given it to him. Sort of like a last hurrah. He might never know though, and it kills me. It would've let him know I cared, cause my crappy attempt to protect him didn't leave him with a good message. I try to not think it, but for all I know, he could be dead. It would send me off the deep end if it's true. I don't know what I'd do. I don't know how I'd keep going…

If you made it this far Zoe, I'm proud, cause I think I'm gonna wrap it up here. I don't feel much better about things, but this at least lets you know where I stand. I could rewrite this a million times, but I don't think it would help. Things won't get better until I find out what's going on. I'm helpless right now. I'm having trouble sitting in this chair, so it crushes me to think how I'm going to help Puma out. I'll do my best. They won't keep him without killing me. I will have my revenge. I will get them. I'll give it my all…

Zell Dincht