Flame Of Recca Fan Fiction ❯ What Matters Most ❯ Pain ( Chapter 5 )

What Matters Most

Chapter 5: Pain

Days had passed since I got that terrible throbbing in my head. Ever since, it didn't happen again. Moreover, it never became that serious or painful. I only feel the giddiness that lasts only in, what, minutes? Seconds?

Recca and Kagerou seems to evade me whenever possible. I guess it has something to do with what Recca said. Really, do they think I'd want another mother? Even if it is Kagerou. Who needs one anyway? And a father? What do I need a father for? For protection? For my needs? For-for love?

Whatever!

I don't need love from a person who doesn't mean it.

And friends. I don't need them. Sometimes, even those whom you call friends don't really mean their love for you. And I've learned that the hard way. They keep saying that they do care for you and they'll protect you but in the end, you'll just find out that they'd been just using you after all.

That's why I prefer being friendless.

Until Kurei came in.

He taught me things I never learned from father or the orphanage. (AN: In my story Kaoru knows his father and family. It's just that he doesn't want to remember things about his family especially regarding his father. He knows his family doesn't like him and that they left him in the orphanage in purpose. And when they left him there he thought that maybe he'd find a much more pleasant family than the one he had. But he was wrong. So when he finally gave up, you know the rest. Take note, these things might not have really happened. Just like I said, only in my story.) He gave me things I never had. He let me understand things like family and friends, care, love and all that jazz. He taught me things he never knew he did. He became my hope. He made me see the world from a different perspective.

And it was wonderful.

I learned to care, to believe, to love. And most of all, I learned to set myself free.

To be me.

Not the Kaoru who did everything they tell me to. Not the Kaoru who, despite the pain and the impossibility of the work, still keep on doing it. Not the Kaoru who gets blamed for something he didn't do and never complained about the punishment or how unjust the action is. Not the Kaoru who gets pushed around and beaten without a fight. And definitely not the Kaoru who thinks that life isn't worth it.

Because of Kurei I learned to be myself. To be me. To defend my rights. To never let anyone dictate what will happen in my life. To finally have control. To voice out my opinions. To be free. To never allow anyone to bring me down. And to be strong.

He made my world, which was once dim and hopeless, have some shed of light.

And I'm truly grateful.

I still am.

Kurei was like a big brother to me. And I guess, I was hoping he would be until the end of time.

But I was wrong.

He lied to me. He used me. He hurt Yanagi-nechan. And I left him.

But even so, I still thank him for what he taught and showed me. Now I know though, that he only hurt Yanagi because his 'father' told him to.

See, what do I need a father for? All fathers are like that. At least those I know. Except of course Mr. Hanabishi. I was a bit careful of him at first. But now I know he isn't anything like the fathers I knew when I still was an orphan. (AN: Kaoru's an orphan. You know that don't you? Hehe… I just remembered 'Problem Child' and got the idea that Kaoru might've experienced that. I mean that he's always getting returned to the orphanage and that experience led him to what he is now. Ok, I know that in the anime, which I am basing this fic from, Kaoru's a very enthusiastic person. But if you think about it, if under that handkerchief really is a scar, then Kaoru had a past that led him to hate his life and end it. Maybe he hides it under that façade of enthusiasm. You really wouldn't know. Or do you? If I'm wrong go ahead and tell me… It'll help me real well.) And I learned that not all fathers are like that. I guess it was only my tough luck that I seem to be getting the worst.

"Koganei! Oy, Koganei!"

I snapped from my thoughts.

"Wha-what?"

"You're gonna be late for school if you don't hurry up! Recca's already left!"

"What? Recca left me? Again?"

"Afraid so." Said Mr. Hanabishi, "So, are you going to school or not?"

"Oh! Oh yeah… School… Right. I'll be off then. Sayonara, Hanabishi-san."

"Yes, take care Kaoru."

I looked at him sharply. Did he really mean that? Does he care? For me?

"What is it?" he asked, totally confused of the look I was giving him.

"Did you really mean that?" I asked.

"Why, of course Koganei. Don't we all? I mean, you're going out, its just right to say that, right?"

I nodded, said goodbye and started to walk to school.

It still surprises me. Whenever someone offers friendship or kindness. Whenever someone says something good about me or tells me to take care or be careful. I never really got used to that. Before people would just grunt or nod to acknowledge me. Whenever I'd leave for school, they'd just say goodbye or be home early or else. Sometimes, they'd just don't mind me at all. No one really cared if I got to school safely. No one really cared if I didn't come back at all. And it really made me think. Do they care for me and they're just hiding it from me? Do they really love me like their real son? Do they think of me as a son, or just an errand boy, a servant, albeit one who has the privilege to go to school and have an astoundingly nice bedroom?

Has anyone ever loved me at all?

As these thoughts flooded my mind I suddenly felt the world spin. The walls around me started to sway and I felt myself loosing consciousness. My head started throbbing so badly I wanted to scream, instead I gritted my teeth hoping against hope that the pain would end. It was so painful. I could barely breathe from the pain. Now, not only did my head hurt my chest hurt as well. It was as if someone was squeezing it real tight that all I could do was gasp for air. I started stumbling, looking for anything to steady myself. Then I touched something. I realized it was a wall and I leaned on it.

I didn't know how ling it lasted. Every second seemed like eternity. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to breath again. I wanted to die then and there. It was, by far, the most excruciating thing I've ever felt. Well, except maybe the times father would… nevermind.

Unexpectedly, it became more painful. The walls around me seemed like a blur. I couldn't see straight at all. I closed my eyes, hoping that it'll end the spinning.

But it didn't.

It just kept getting faster and faster.

I felt like vomiting but I couldn't. I wanted to do something to end it but I couldn't think properly. But one thought flooded my mind, 'I have to find help.' Even though I swore that I'd never let anyone know what was happening to me I couldn't take it anymore. It was just too much for me.

I started walking, my hand still by the wall. But it was no use. If I walked the faster the spinning and swaying becomes. All I could do was clutch my head and try my best not to faint.

But then again, dying won't be too bad, wouldn't it?

I've got nothing to loose, right?

I sat back on the wall and hugged my knees with my other hand still holding my head. I started praying that no one would see me. That no one punk would start beating me up for no reason at all. But if you think about it, it would be better to just end it all. So I wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore.

The idea was so tempting.

Still, my head kept throbbing and my chest felt like something was pressing it real hard. Breathing became unbearable. Every breath I took gave me coughing fits that shook my body real hard. Every gasp brought me even more pain.

And I didn't want it anymore. I started holding my breath. But again, it was no use. It still kept hurting.

I don't know how it ended. It just did. It was as if nothing happened at all. I felt good and I was able to walk. I searched for a clock or anything that would tell what time it was. As far as I could remember, I left twenty minutes before the start of classes.

"Excuse me, sir," I asked the only person there, "Would you kindly tell me the time?"

He showed me his watch and I felt relieved. Only ten minutes had passed.

"Thank you, sir." And I started running off.

But all the while I still kept thinking. Would I be lucky next time? Would it happen again soon? Would anyone find out? Would it be just as painful?

Would I live?

Is Recca still mad at me?

I shook my head and forced myself not to think about that.

'Recca's not mad at me. He's just… just… He's just playing with me, right? But the look he gives me reminds me of… Reminds me of the look my father gives me.'

"Can't be true," I said to myself, "Recca would never hurt me. After all, he is my friend. Almost like a brother even. He would never. I just know it."