FLCL Fan Fiction / Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ n00b Genesis Evangelion ❯ n00b Goddamn Evangelion ( Chapter 7 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Sahaquiel, Angel of the Skies, launched another piece of itself. The pound of
Angel flesh became white-hot as it entered Earth's atmosphere; gravity
accelerated the "submunition" as it approached the target.

"Like Achilles, hubris has blinded the humans to their greatest weakness,"
Sahaquiel telepathically declared. "Let my flesh be Paris' arrow, and--"

"'Neon Genesis Evangelion' draws heavily from Judeo-Christian beliefs!" Iruel,
Angel of Fear, admonished. "If you wish to be poetic, use biblical metaphors,
like David and Goliath!"

"Silence! This is my time to shine! Besides, the TV series also draws heavily
from psychobabble like the Oedipus and Electra complexes, which Sigmund Freud
named for characters in Greek mythology! I...!"

"Howllll!"

Both Angels paused when they sensed a stranger's pain. Sahaquiel began,
"Who...?" "You fool! You just attacked California! The target is in Japan,
all the way across the Pacific Ocean!" Iruel interrupted. "That was
intentional, bitch! The humans...!" "We're supposed to call them 'Lilim,'
children of Lilith, for we're the legitimate heirs of Adam, the First Angel--
we're the true humans, not those Goddamn monkeys!" "Wait; as Angels, we're the
children of God, who created us from light and fire. How the hell did we become
the children of a Goddamn speck of dust?"

Silence returned; then both Angels screamed, "Goddamn Anno Hideaki fucked up the
Goddamn mythology!" referring to the TV series' director.

"Why did you attack California, anyways?" the Angel of Fear asked its brother.

"I made a deal with Ikari Gendo, Adam's captor, to assassinate the author of
this story," the Angel of the Skies replied. "In exchange, he..." Then a
23-meter-tall minaret pierced Sahaquiel's cyclopean eye. "Ahhhh!" it screamed--
telepathically voiced its pain, as sound waves couldn't propagate in the vacuum
of space.

If Iruel had eyes, they would've widened-- ballooned to float out the sockets--
when the improvised javelin continued flying until Sahaquiel was impaled upon
the moon.

"That hurt, you bastard!" Evangelion Unit 03's pilot cursed. The steel-gray
fighting machine was a terrifying sight, standing beside the trench it dug when
the submunition sent it crashing into the ground, tearing off the left wing and
grinding radar-absorbing material from that side. Construction workers fled in
all directions, some praying for salvation as Unit 03 tore another spire from
the mosque they were renovating.

"Run away! Run away!" the Angel of Fear chanted as its brother became a meat
cushion for concrete pins.

***

N00B GENESIS EVANGELION, Part 6

***

Kozo looked out the window to see ice pillars rising from blood-red waters.
"There was life here; penguins, whales, seals, and fish to feed them and each
other." He sighed. "Now it's a lifeless realm-- Hell, forsaken by God and man
alike."

"Nonetheless, we humans stand here as living beings," Gendo added as the
Ulyanovsk-- bearing an 100-meter-long alien artifact known as the 'Lance of
Longinus' on its flight deck-- sailed away from the South Pole.

"Because the power of science protects us."

"Science is the power that makes us gods."

The subcommander began, "Such hubris destroyed the world as we knew it. Even if
this was the punishment we deserved, it should not be shared with the
3,000,000,000 people who perished in the Second Impact's aftermath. This
facsimile of the Dead Sea--"

"Is a purified realm, cleansed of the Original Sin," the bearded man finished
for Kozo.

"I prefer a world where people can live, no matter--"

"Enough!" Adm. Storozhevoy interrupted. "You Japanese are as bad as the
Americans-- no, worse! At least their nonsensical philosophy is not an
America-only movement, as the bourgeoisie demonstrate around the fucking world."

The suffocating tension was relieved when a radio operator reported, "Incoming
transmission-- whoa! The Americans killed the Tenth Angel by pinning it to the
moon? With a minaret?!"

"Soviet pilots are superior to those video game addicts!" Storozhevoy claimed.
"A Soviet fighting machine will nail the enemy to the planet Mars-- with the
entire mosque as its hammer!"

Gendo leaned over the communication console. "Evangelion Unit 03 is NERV
property; we were responsible for its research and development."

"Using Soviet money-- 30 fucking percent of it!" the naval officer interrupted.
"America matched our contribution, the European Union-- French parasites taking
credit for English and German workers' accomplishments-- and China, 15 each."
Non-permanent members of the UN Security Council, like Japan, paid the
remainder. "Don't talk nonsense about NERV authority, I know the funds were
released on the condition the fighting machines stand ready to defend our
nations; NERV is only leasing them. Is the American pilot in the Army, Air
Force, Navy, or Marine Corps?"

The bearded man's fists clenched and then loosened. 'If this was NERV HQ, you
wouldn't dare speak those words, cocksucker.' "Is Unit 01's pilot there?"

The radio operator was confused. "In America?"

"Get me NERV Headquarters." Gendo waited as the Soviets changed frequency.

A female voice replied, "Commander."

"Well done, Rei."

Silence; then, "Thank you, but... what is the compliment for, Sir?"

"General Order Number One: 'I will guard everything within the limits of my
post, and quit my post only when properly relieved.' You obeyed this order; I'm
complimenting your ethics." 'I'd rather commit seppuku than reward my son's
outright disobedience.' "Now I wish to speak to Major Katsuragi."

"Yes, Sir."

"Major, you have my permission to deal with the remaining issues," 'as if you're
smart enough to follow orders other than "suck my cock" and "spread your legs,"
you Goddamn whore,' Gendo didn't say.

"Yes, Sir," Misato replied.

*

17 coffins radiated from the center of the South Pole-Aitken Basin, the moon's
largest crater, forming a sunburst. One of the coffins opened to reveal a
figure too beautiful to call 'human,' despite the form it adopted. The figure--
Tabris, Angel of Free Will-- sat up and faced the open coffins to its left.
"Sachiel?" it called to its brother. "Why are you here?"

"It barely escaped with its tail between its legs," a haughty voice answered
from the right.

Tabris frowned in confusion as it turned to Armisael, Angel of the Womb.
"Sachiel doesn't have a tail."

"I still have legs for a tail to fit between; I'm lucky that human didn't make
me a gimp," Sachiel growled.

The most beautiful Angel began, "I thought...?"

"The AT field protects us from the humans' conventional weapons, not from
so-called 'weapons of mass destruction'-- certainly not from volleys of the damn
things."

"Don't blame the Lilim for your weaknesses." If Armisael was human, she'd
upturn her nose like a true snob.

"Don't underestimate enemies you've yet to face in battle," Shamshel drew
attention to itself-- and injuries yet to be healed. Tabris gasped at the stump
where the squid-like Angel grew a tentacle to replace the one it lost, the
cracks in Shamshel's armor, and the intestines visible through a hastily applied
bandage.

"You expect me to fear an enemy so physically and spiritually weak?" Armisael's
disdain dug furrows on her brother's helm as Shamshel expressed emotions like a
human.

"Don't let her get to you; she'll apologize after she learns 'the hard way,'"
the Angel of Water silenced Shamshel's rebuttal. Sachiel caught Tabris staring
at the moon dust covering the floors of several coffins-- its brothers' life
support systems, ironically suggesting the occupants were dead. "We're the
lucky ones. Ramiel, Gaghiel, Sandalphon, Matariel, and Sahaquiel's opponents
made them look... human."

"Cowards! How dare you speak of our fallen brothers with such disrespect?!"
Armisael growled.

"Consider it a complement," a masculine voice added with a Scottish accent. The
speaker's appearance-- a young man with dark hair and blue-gray eyes, wearing a
business suit, sipping milk tea as he sat with an ankle over the opposite knee--
sowed chaos and confusion in the Angels' minds. "The name's Bond, Shiro Bond.
I became Zeruel, Angel of Might, in 'Death Is Never the End'."

Armisael uncoiled, a serpent ready to strike. "How dare you take that name as
your own?!" She lashed out, only for Sachiel to pull her back. "Unhand me!"

"Peace, Armisael! Sir Bond is a self-insert, the author's spokesperson-- his
Metatron!" the Angel of Water named one known as the Voice of God. "To fight
him is to court death, or worse!" Crack! Sachiel found his heads staring at
each other from opposite sides of a split torso. "Not again!"

"Dieeee!" Armisael dealt-- would've dealt a deathblow, if not for Shiro's AT
field.

"Such impulsiveness," the Scot deadpanned, finishing his tea as a free hand kept
the serpentine Angel at bay. "I advise caution, lest you intake more than you
can handle."

If Armisael had a mouth and a throat, she'd growl as the teeth grit against each
other. "This... pale imitation of our spiritual luminance..."

Tabris ignored its sister as Armisael fought the human who claimed to be their
brother. "Where is Iruel?"

"It fled," Shamshel answered as the squid-like Angel helped Sachiel pull itself
together. "I don't blame it," the Angel of Water added. "The humans killed
poor Sahaquiel before Iruel's eyes-- would do so if Iruel had eyes." "The
mutilated body is on the opposite side of this satellite."

"The sacred and inviolable realm," Armisael slowly entered Shiro's AT field, "in
which our souls may find sanctuary," the Angel became like an amoeba, extending
a shapeless pseudopod to consume the Scot's hand, "will not..." The pseudopod
burned as Shiro's immune system fought what it identified as an infection.
"Shrieeeek!"

"So that's how the author plans to deal with Armisael's powers!" Sachiel
commented as its sister recoiled from psychic flames that burned in the vacuum
of space. "How cruel," Shamshel added. "Mister Sidewinder is an American gun
nut. What do you expect?"

"Is your head cool?" Shiro rhetorically asked. "Then let us return to the
business at hand. Mister Sidewinder wishes to introduce Mister Tabris earlier
than scheduled."

The Angel of Free Will began, "What about...?"

"Heavens, no!" Leliel, Angel of the Night, interrupted. "My fate is bad enough
in the TV series; I do not want to know what that sadistic son-of-a-bitch has
planned."

"I'll pass," Bardiel, Angel of Haze, added. "Let others seize the glory-- and
receive a brutal beating for their audacity."

"Arael?" Tabris frowned at the young man who sat on the coffin. "Who...?" The
stranger's plug suit bore Israeli Air Force insignia. "No, I should've expected
this-- you're a self-insert, right?"

"I wish," 1st Lt. Arael Barak, namesake of the Angel of Birds, answered.

"Good evening, Lieutenant Barak. Will you kindly join us for tea?" Shiro
greeted.

"Before I leave, may I ask if I'm still alive at the end of this story?" a
resigned Angel of Free Will asked.

"The matter is out of my hands. Biscuits?" the Scot offered a plate to his
companions.

***

N00B GODDAMN EVANGELION

A 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' story by Sidewinder (aim9snake@hotmail.com), 2009,
revised 2010. Characters created and owned by Gainax. Special thanks to Stas
Bush and Alain Gravel.

***

The female albino sat on a steel girder-- once an apartment building's support,
now mute testimony to the human race's destructive nature-- jutting like a pier
over the 2nd Ashinoko Lake. Her brow twitched with thin-veiled anger as she
hummed 'Ode to Joy', the Final Movement of Beethoven's 'Symphony Number 9'-- the
albino was losing patience after two hours of humming.

"Pilot Ayanami?"

The albino, forcing herself to smile, stood and turned to the speaker. "A song
is--" The smile vanished. "Where the hell is Shinji Ikari?!"

"He's in America," Kensuke answered. "Unit 03 was damaged during the Tenth
Angel's attack; Shinji's on vacation while it's being repaired. Um, who are
you?"

"Unit 03?" 'The one Bardiel was supposed to possess?' the albino thought of
Episode 18. "If Shinji-kun is in America to pilot it, who's here to pilot Unit
01?"

"Pilot Ayanami is. Thanks to them, I became Unit 00's designated pilot. Uh,
who are you again?"

"Argh!" The albino fell backwards, into the lake.

"Are you...?"

"Please; I need a few minutes by myself." The albino took deep breaths as she
floated on her back. "I'm Kaoru... Kaoru Nagisa." A German citizen, her
surname followed her given name. "I'm a chosen one, like you; as the Fifth
Child, I'm... Argh! I don't know what I'm here for! Everything from 'Neon
Genesis Evangelion' is FUBAR!" fucked up beyond all recognition.

The bespectacled boy's eyes widened as Kaoru's now wet shirt became translucent,
outlining the albino's bra. "I thought you're a guy?"

Kaoru pointed up. "Herr Gravel wrote fan fiction in which I was the fourth side
to a love triangle between Pilots Ayanami, Soryu, and a Shinji-kun who wasn't so
anxious to love and be-- who am I kidding? Anno Hideaki just wanted to pander
to yaoi fans. Herr Sidewinder asked Herr Gravel if he could portray me as the
other did, so he could pander to yuri fans," fans of sexually explicit stories
about lesbians. The 5th Child's eyes met Kensuke's eyes. "Don't even think
about it."

"Damn," the bespectacled boy cursed.

*

"You actually saw her," Toji frowned at the script in his hands, "panties?"

Kensuke began, "I didn't mean to..." He mirrored Toji's frustration towards the
script. "Why the hell am I saying Shinji's lines in Episode 26? Ah!" he cried
when Haruko threw a marker like a kunai-- a ninja's Swiss Army knife--
transforming him into a unicorn.

"Because Comrade Ikari is in the US, and unable to peek at the transfer
student's panties!" the pink-haired girl shouted from the whiteboard.

Kaoru wore a girl's uniform, replacing the androgynous shirt and pants she had
in her first appearance; a sky-blue ribbon tied her gray hair into a ponytail.
"Please don't remind me," she breathed.

'I actually saw her bra; the author forgot to revise the Goddamn script,' the
bespectacled boy noted.

"Now introduce yourself," Haruko ordered.

The 5th Child added a saccharine smile, hoping the class would overlook her
twitching eyebrow. "I'm Kaoru Nagisa! Nice to meet you!"

Kensuke gave the script another frown. "Do I really have to say, 'Wow!' like a
loser with more AVs than friends?"

Kaoru sighed. "I doubt anyone will give a damn."

***

Saying Ikari Gendo had mixed feelings as Unit 03 approached the runway-- arms
and legs locked inline with the torso as landing gear extended from the
shoulders and shins-- was like saying an artillery shell would cause some
discomfort if it detonated between his legs. The letters "NERV" on the fighting
machine's forearms and calves, the "USAF" and the service's star-and-bar
insignia on the wings and shoulders, were symptoms of his emotional conflict.
'I must ensure the Eva remains under NERV's chain-of-command at all times.
Fucking politicians shoved the fucking NPT up NERV's ass, denying us WMD not
stamped "Made in the Goddamn USA,"' he thought of the controversy over Japan's
development of N² weapons, which allegedly violated the Nuclear
Non-Proliferation Treaty. 'Would North Korean weapons be compatible with the
Eva's targeting systems?'

"Sir," Misato interrupted his thoughts, "General Slade, the US Air Force
liaison, requests your signature on the following documents."

"Evangelion Unit 03 and its pilot are now under NERV's control, to be launched
at NERV's command. I refuse to let that American pig usurp my authority," the
bearded man growled.

"The documents are actually related to merchandising, profits from which the US
Air Force claims it needs to fully develop the," the tactician frowned at the
service's designation for Unit 03, "B-3 Stormbringer's capabilities."

"We do not have the time, money, or manpower to waste on capabilities the Eva
will never need. Ack!" Gendo growled when the wind blew forth a sheet of paper,
despite the fact he was indoors. The bearded man tore the note from his face.
"'What makes you think electronic warfare capabilities are unneeded? The Angels
aren't the only enemy you face,'" he read. "To hell with this!" The author's
note became confetti in a fit of anger. "God Himself has no power over me! The
author will no longer interfere with my plans!" With that, Gendo stomped out
the control tower.

"I feel conflicted," Misato admitted to herself. "Should I side with that
bastard of a commander-- not that the selfish, scheming little rat will reward
my loyalty-- or that son-of-a-bitch author?"

"Wark!"

Misato's gaze fell upon Pen-Pen, her pet Hot Springs Penguin, whose clawed
flipper held a sign reading "SIDE WITH THE AUTHOR-- LETTING US LIVE IS A BETTER
REWARD THAN ANY THE OTHER SIDE CAN OFFER".

"And if the Commander decides to execute us for treason?"

"THE AUTHOR WILL SAVE US", Pen-Pen lowered the sign to add, "OR LET US DIE QUICK
AND PAINLESSLY, UNLIKE CMDR GONADS-EXPLODING-NOISY-DEATH-ONSCREEN".

"Good point," the raven-haired beauty conceded.

***

Bond has returned. The story will continue.