Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ A Fine Line ❯ go ( Chapter 5 )

WARNING! This story is rated R! It has yaoi lemon content! If you are under 17 and/or do not know what yaoi is, or what a lemon is, don't read it! You have been warned, please do not come crying to me or go leaving bad reviews because you read it anyway and are shocked or corrupted. Thank you. :-)

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket belongs to Natsuki Takaya. I wonder if she knows that obsessed fans do weird things to her characters.... The lyrics are from "Underneath It All" and belong to Nine Inch Nails.

Note: Ah, another NIN song. I love Trent! (But not as much as I love Kyo... that's probably unhealthy, isn't it?) It's been a while without an update, sorry! There's a lot going on here lately (uh... yeah). I wanted to get this posted tonight, but that means I'm too tired to respond to reviews, gomen! I'm also too tired to have done a very good edit, so please excuse any mistakes (not that I get it perfect even when I'm wide awake). Also, a mistake in chapter 2 or 3 was pointed out, and a rather big one, but I'm not going to bother reposting for it, so sorry I didn't catch that one. Big thanks to YTR and Elf for their help, and to everyone who reviewed! Arigato!

Oh, I think I forgot to mention before... if you're reading this at mm-org, sorry about the often weird formatting. ::sweatdrop:: The lyrics, because I can't get them to show up bold, are between * thingys (but I'm sure that could be figured out).

Another Note: Uhmm... I realized that there was a rather large error on my part at the end of this chapter, so I fixed it and reposted. It would pay to read my story more often, I suppose. ::sweatdrop::

--------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------

*

all I do

I can still feel you

*

"Kyo? … Kyo? ..."

I hear a knocking and it seems like someone's calling my name, but I'm tired and warm and I don't want to wake up.

"Kyo?" The soft voice says again, this time closer and louder. "Kyo," louder again, "are you okay?"

"Mmm," I say through the haze of sleep that I'm trying desperately to cling to. 'Leave me alone, Yuki,' I think to myself, 'I'm too tired.'

"Breakfast is ready, and you'll be late if you don't get up," followed by a pause, "should I call Hatori?"

Breakfast? Call Hatori because I want to sleep in? That's not Yuki. "I'm fine, damn it, can't you just let me sleep!" I say as I force my muscles to move, to sit up.

"I'm sorry, Kyo, I-I didn't want you to be late for school," Tohru says and I sigh. Yes, of course it's Tohru.

"It's okay, guess I didn't set my alarm. Uh... thanks," I say, still more than half asleep.

Tohru leaves and I sit on my bed, unable to move. I can feel him. My skin almost burns for him, from him, I don't know which. What have I done?

*

numb all through

I can still feel you

*

Usually I would be fully awake by now, heck by the time I sat up, but I'm not. I got up, got dressed, came downstairs, but I still feel so groggy. I slept well, I feel good... I'm just not waking up.

"Good morning, Kyo," Yuki says cheerfully, too cheerfully, as he comes in from outside.

'Don't look at him,' I tell myself, so I don't. I grunt in response and I can feel him smiling as he sits down to my left.

"How do you do that?" he asks softly, his voice... strange, filled with something I don't recognize. That's been happening a lot lately, I realize, and it's not just myself that I don't know anymore, it's him, too. Not that I ever really cared to know him in the first place.

"Hm?" is all I can manage in response to his question. What is this foggy mass currently calling itself my brain?

"Those sounds you make in the back of your throat," he says and my chest clenches. I close my eyes as my cheeks turn pink. I know what he's talking about, I don't have to look at him and see the mirth in his eyes, see the knowledge of his victory.

Even half awake I know that he has won. Whatever I may have told myself yesterday, it doesn't matter if I was the one who did it to him or he was the one who did it to me, the end result is the same. He got what he wanted and I... I lost my virginity, a thought which, on its own, is not bad... until I consider that I lost it to my rival, my enemy, my nemesis, to another guy, to Yuki.

I lost my virginity to Yuki. This must be the twilight zone. I'll wake up any moment and I'll be sane, I'll hate him, I won't be gay, and I won't feel his touch. Still.

I look at him and blink. There is a smile in his eyes, but none of the laughing condescension I was expecting. I want to yell at him, to tell him he knows nothing of any sounds I make and he should just shut the hell up... but I know it's not true and would only result in him reminding me vividly of exactly how he knows. That's the last thing I want right now, his very presence - existence! - reminds me enough. So I, for maybe the first time in my life, hold my tongue.

Shigure and Tohru come in moments later and I fervently hope I'm no longer blushing. From this morning, Tohru would probably think it was a fever, but not much gets past the notice of that dog and he's just perverted enough to put it together. And I'm perverted enough to give him something to put together.

As we begin eating, Yuki gets up and goes to the kitchen and I hope he stays there. Moments later I hear him say, loud and angry, "DAMN IT!" and he appears in the doorway, a milk carton open and upside down in his hand.

"Who drank my milk?" he says, still loud and mad, looking at me accusingly.

"I don't see your name on it," I say, amused.

"That's not the point!" he yells and I have to stop myself from smiling at him.

"Go to the store and get some more if you want it that badly, and don't hold it there like that, you're gonna drip it on the floor, baka nezumi." I say calmly, glad that something finally woke me up.

"Kuso neko!" he yells and turns, going back into the kitchen, and I go back to eating my breakfast like nothing happened.

I can feel someone staring at me and I look up to see Shigure with a puzzled expression on his face. Yuki returns in a huff and sits down next to me. I watch Shigure look from me to the rat and back again.

"Ne, did someone invent a brain-transfer machine without telling me?" Shigure asks.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Yuki and I both ask.

"Well, you've switched personalities..." he looks to Tohru, "Yuki is acting like Kyo and Kyo is acting like Yuki, wouldn't you agree?" He doesn't wait for her answer before looking back to me and Yuki. "What happened while I was gone? Were you abducted by aliens? Get hit on the head harder than usual?"

I can feel myself turn red and I glance quickly over at Yuki to see that he's turning red as well. We both stand up and kick Shigure in unison, sending him sprawling against the wall. "How's that for a hit on the head?" we ask and sit back down to breakfast.

"A-Ano... I'll get some ice," Tohru says and goes to the kitchen.

I look at Yuki and realize that Shigure's right, I'm acting like the rat. 'How the hell did that happen?' I ask myself and I'm sure I know the answer. I don't want to turn into Yuki and I don't want to be gay. I don't want to feel my heart beat faster every time I look at him and my breath catch when he looks at me with those big, violet eyes of his filled with desire. The way he's looking at me now.

He leans over and whispers in my ear, "Your room or mine?"

"Oi, who said anything about any room?" I ask quietly to make sure Tohru doesn't hear and Shigure doesn't wake up.

He smiles a little, his face inches from mine. "You did enjoy yourself, neko. Don't try to deny it."

I think my face is going to be red all morning. He's right, I did enjoy myself. More than I care to admit. "That... that... doesn't mean anything."

"Of course it does," he says and I shiver, feeling his breath against my ear. He takes my earlobe between his teeth, sucking gently, and I feel my traitorous body respond. Then, abruptly, he stops and sits back just as Tohru comes in with an ice pack for Shigure.

That was close, too close. I've got to do something, something to get him out from under my skin before I rip his clothes off and bury myself inside him, right here, right now, and damn the consequences. I've got to get away from him, even if just for a while.

I look at Tohru. She's so cute, and pretty, sitting there finishing her breakfast, glancing at Shigure. She turns her big, worried eyes to me and says, "You didn't hit him too hard this time, did you? He's not usually out this long."

"He'll recover," Yuki says.

Then it hits me and I smile. Yes, what better way to rid myself of Yuki? This has to work. "Tohru," I say, "will you go to a movie with me tonight?"

"Sure, Kyo," she says brightly and I smile.

A moment later she says "Yuki?" and I can hear the concern in her voice. I look over at the rat and he looks back at me, the desire that was in his eyes minutes ago replaced with... no, it can't be that. I must still be tired.

*

hear your call

underneath it all

*

All day in school I was excited about my date with Tohru and able to keep my mind off of Yuki (sort of). It is Tohru, though, she probably doesn't think of it as a date. Still, I'm excited and now stupidly having trouble picking out what to wear. I throw on my usual cargo pants and black t-shirt, which is as good as anything, I suppose.

'Hm,' I think as I look at my closet, 'in the movies, aren't guys always putting their jackets around girls when it gets cold at night?' Sounds like a good idea so I grab my blue sweatshirt and take it along, just in case.

Yuki avoided me all day, which I'm thankful for. I wonder what his problem is, mad that he didn't ask Tohru out first? Well, I don't care, anything as long as it keeps him away from me. I say this to myself, but I feel... bad. I don't know where the feeling comes from, though, so I ignore it.

I meet Tohru downstairs in the hall and she looks very cute in her blue dress. I can't explain it, but even though I can't see Yuki, I can feel him sitting in the living room. I know he wants to talk to me, I know he doesn't want me to go. Even while avoiding me today he gave me the most troubling looks. He's been out with Tohru before, when I had to go out with that damn Kagura, and there's nothing stopping him from asking Tohru out, no reason I can't take her to a movie. I've got to get him out of my every waking thought and this just has to work.

I offer Tohru my arm, "Shall we?"

"Hai," she says and giggles, taking my arm.

On the way to the theatre we talk about school and other normal things and it's nice. I look at her soft smile and I don't think about Yuki. I let her pick out the movie, some romantic chick-thing, but I don't care, I just want to spend some time with her away from school, away from Shigure's house, away from Yuki.

We already ate so we don't get popcorn or anything. Shigure made rude comments all through dinner, of course, but let him say what he will, I don't care. I pick out seats toward the back, in the middle, and we watch the previews in companionable silence until the lights go down.

As the movie starts I want to take her hand but I don't know how she'll react. What's the worst she could do, though? Slap me and call me a pervert? She wouldn't do that. Casually, carefully, I take her hand in mine, watching her face for any sign of the contact being unwanted. She turns her hand in mine, threading her fingers through my own, and smiles at me. I smile back, completely content, and turn my attention to the movie.

Or, at least, I try to. I can't help but notice that her skin, strangely enough, isn't as soft as Yuki's. The nightmare I had comes back to me and I push it away. That will not happen! Besides, I didn't ask Tohru out to have sex with her, or even kiss her. I'm fine holding her hand. Wait... why do I just want to hold her hand? Don't I want... more? I used to, I know I used to. I used to imagine... well, things... with Tohru.

I look at our hands and my eyes follow her arm to her shoulder, and then down across her body, lingering on her neck, her chest, the pale skin of her legs where her skirt ends. I feel... nothing. I try to imagine touching her or her hands touching me... but all comes to mind is Yuki touching me and me touching him. Shit!

This isn't working. I... I... I sigh as I look at Tohru's lips. I'm gay. A fag, homosexual, fruity... my eyes widen in horror. I'm like Ayame! Well, no, no-one is like Ayame. I'm gay... and I want nothing more in the world right now than to feel Yuki's soft, bare skin against my own. I've finally lost my mind and it doesn't look like I'm getting it back.

I feel Tohru looking at me. "Are you okay, Kyo?" She asks softly.

"Yes, I'm fine," I say, leaning forward to kiss her lightly on the forehead, and I realize that it's not a lie. I'm gay, more attracted to Yuki than I have ever been to anyone else in my entire life, and have lost my mind, but underneath all that, I'm okay.

*

kill my brain

yet you still remain

crucified

after all I've died

after all I've tried

you are still inside

*

I'm able to pay attention to the movie now, having gotten some clarity... even if what came into focus isn't what I wanted to see. I didn't want to be cursed, especially didn't want to be the cat, but that doesn't change what I am. I don't want to be gay, but that doesn't change what I am, either.

I don't know why I'm not more upset, it doesn't make much sense. I tried everything... ignoring it, running, getting it out of my system... maybe I'm tired. Maybe Yuki killed the old me, or I just died. It sounds crazy even to me, since I'm obviously still breathing, but that's really what it feels like. Or maybe... maybe the difference is that I'm not alone in this... if I'm gay and crazy, then Yuki's gay and crazy too, which is... comforting.

He's underneath my skin and I want more. I should leave him a note this time, 'my room', make him come to me. I smile but my smile fades as I notice a shocking white head of hair, 5 or 6 rows in front of me. Haru? That's got to be Haru and he's with... my eyes widen. Yuki!

I watch, the movie completely forgotten, as Yuki leans over to whisper something in Haru's ear. What-what is he doing? Haru and Yuki get up to leave the theatre and I look over to see if Tohru noticed them. She didn't, she's completely absorbed in watching the movie. I have to know what Yuki's doing with Haru.

"Gomen Tohru, I'll be back," I whisper and leave the theatre to find Yuki and Haru.

They're not at the concession counter, the video games, or anywhere I can see inside the building. Did they leave? I go outside and look up and down the street, but still don't see them. Where did they go? I notice a small, dark alleyway next to the building and as I walk towards it I hear Haru's soft voice and I freeze.

"What are you doing, Yuki?"

"Shh," I hear Yuki tell Haru, followed by a gasp from the ox.

That's it! What the HELL does he think he's doing? He... he makes me think of nothing but him, makes me gay, fucks me, wants more just this morning, and now he's moving on to Haru? Like hell! I won't allow it! He can't do that to me!

"Yes, Yuki," I say loudly, the anger evident in my voice as I approach them, "Just what are you doing?"

"Going out with Haru, obviously, not that it's any of your business," he says nonchalantly as he takes a step away from Haru. The two of them had been standing unseemly close and I don't really want to know what Yuki'd been doing, or about to do.

Not any of my business, eh? Would he like me to tell Haru exactly why it's my business? "You can't," I say stupidly.

"Of course I can. You're out with Tohru and I'm out with Haru," Yuki says coldly.

I see Haru blink and look, wide-eyed, between me and Yuki. I know how he's always felt about Yuki and I feel kind of sorry for him. What is he doing out with Yuki in the first place, though, isn't he back with Rin?

"Yuki... you... I can't believe you," Black Haru says with pure hatred and then turns to me. "Well, neko, tell me, is he a good fuck?"

I know my face must look as shocked as I feel, and Black Haru doesn't wait for an answer. I don't think he really wants one. "Don't worry, Kyo, I won't tell anyone," he says and comes up close to me. "Unlike some people, I actually give a thought about others' feelings." He smiles devilishly and glances back at Yuki, then at me with a predatory gleam in his eye and before I can move, his hand grabs my shirt and pulls me into the shadows of the alley. He kisses me, his kiss forceful, hard, and I'm so shocked that I let his tongue slip between my lips. He explores my mouth for a moment before letting me go and walking off.

Yuki and I stare at each other for long seconds and then he says, "I can't let him leave like that, I'll see you at home," and runs off to find Haru.

I'm thoroughly unsettled. Was Yuki using Haru to make me jealous? It must be... and it worked, which scares me. Me, jealous, because Yuki was with someone else...? While I admit that I want to touch him... do I really care if I'm the only one that touches him? 'Yes,' my little voice tells me. I'm really beginning to hate that voice.

Then there's Haru's kiss. It was Haru, of all people, but I kinda liked it. Not as much as Yuki's, though. Not even one-fourth as much. Yes, the rat is wedged very far under my skin, and I'm no longer sure I want him gone.

*

all I do

I can still feel you

*

On the walk home from the movie Tohru and I are silent much of the way. Then, almost to Shigure's, she stops walking and I look at her in question.

"Are you sure you're okay, Kyo? You've been acting awfully strange lately," she says.

"I-I've had a lot on my mind, that's all. Thank you for coming with me tonight, I needed to get away," I tell her.

She smiles. "Did you get it figured out, whatever was on your mind?"

"I think so... mostly."

"Good, Yuki will be glad," she says and my heart stops, but she just starts walking again as if it was the most natural thing in the world for her to say.

I grab her hand and turn her towards me. The rat wouldn't have told her... no, he wouldn't have told her that, not Tohru! But then what does she know and how does she know it? How do I ask her? "Why mention Yuki?"

"You've both been so upset since that day you had to clean the school. Yuki doesn't hate you, Kyo, though I know you think he does and maybe I shouldn't tell you that. I just thought... if you worked out what was bothering you, then you won't fight so much and that will make Yuki happy."

I stare at her, dumbfounded, and I'm reminded again of that dream, 'what if....' "Yuki doesn't hate me? He certainly acts like he does." Or, at least, he used to.

"Well, Kyo... when have you given him a chance to act otherwise?"

We walk the rest of the way to Shigure's in silence and once home, I go directly to my room and collapse on my bed as I've been doing a lot recently. This was too much for one day, not to mention what happened yesterday. I lost my virginity to Yuki, I tried to get him out of me but I can't, he made me jealous, and then I found out he doesn't hate me. And then there's his almost-forgotten claim that he wants to stop fighting, which I hadn't taken seriously, but now....

Tohru's right, I never talk to him or anything, so how can I expect to know what he wants from me, doesn't want from me, or feels?

Is he home yet? Is he with Haru? I don't like the thought of him with Haru. It... hurts, but I don't know why.

I fall asleep fully dressed, wishing he were by my side.

*

you remain

I am stained

*

Please review (if you liked it). ;-) See you on the flipside, minasan!