Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Aisle 13 ❯ Aisle 13 ( One-Shot )

Disclaimer: Fruits Basket and all its characters are properties of Takaya Natsuki-sensei and Hana to Yume comics. Everything else in this fanfic are figments of my imagination. Any similarities to name, places, yada yada yada are simply examples of the world's many coincidental mysteries.

August 11, 2004

Aisle 13

By Ina-chan

They stood in front of it, staring at it with obvious weariness, yet at the same time watching each other from the corner of their eyes. Battle auras flared, fueled by the amused looks and uncontrollable giggles of girls passing by them. It was a stale mate. Neither boy was willing to move forward, nor back down from this daunting task.

After all, it was uncharted territory for either of them... for any member of the male gender, for that matter. The dreaded Aisle 13...

Feminine hygiene products.

"What are we doing here again?" The cat muttered under his breath

Yuki gave the other boy a flat look, "You were the one who was all gung-ho to do this."

"Guh..." Kyou froze in horror, turning a shade of red as he suddenly remembered the reason, before averting his eyes to look at something more interesting at the ceiling, "S-so you're saying that you can escape Shigure's annoying whining by yourself? No? I don't think so."

"If you say so," The other boy sighed with a satisfied smirk. He knew exactly the real reason why his cousin tagged along. While Shigure's whining may have been a part of it, when it comes to Tooru, there's no humiliation that Kyou won't face. And the cat will most especially NOT back down if it is a humiliation that Yuki was willing to take himself.

"Will you just get it over with and pick something so we can go?" Kyou hissed under his breath in annoyance

"If you think this is so easy, why don't YOU march over there and pick something yourself," Yuki shot back, unwilling to admit that he had no idea what he was supposed to be getting in the first place. It would have been so much easier if he were doing this alone and inconspicuously.

"Ara? Yun-yun? What are you doing here?" A familiar voice suddenly called out from behind them.

So much for inconspicuousness...

The rat froze in horror and unsuccessfully suppressed a dismayed groan, before forcing a smile on his lips and turning around to face the last person he wanted to meet while grocery shopping for... womanly things, "Just running some errands. What are you doing here Kakeru?"

As the saying goes...when things aren't bad enough, they get worse.

It all started when the male members of Shigure's household woke up that morning only to find that they were one flower short from their breakfast routine... not to mention that there was no breakfast made in the first place! They found their missing princess, incapacitated in bed with a lot of pain and a low grade fever due to a bad case of her... uhm... "monthly feminine condition".

Fortunately, it was Sunday. Kyou had already taken the task of taking care of all the housework for the day, Yuki had already offered to do the evening's shopping and Shigure... well... Shigure was being Shigure, which was actually the reason why there were now two teen-aged boys, awkwardly standing in front of the feminine products aisle of their local convenience store.

"Anou... I'm really fine. I could do the shopping myself," Tooru whispered, red-faced with embarrassment

"It's alright, Honda-san," Yuki replied gently, "I think I can handle it myself. You just stay home and rest."

"Ah... it's not that I don't think you could do it, Yuki-kun," Tooru stammered nervously, "...it's just that... that... uhm..."

"I see." Shigure interrupted, almost benevolently as he patted the girl's head affectionately, "You don't have to explain any more. I understand completely what you're trying to say Tooru-kun. Please forgive Yuki-kun. He's smart for some things, but he's naïve and a complete idiot when it comes to sensitive issues like this."

Yuki gave the older man a scathing glare which promised impending violence.

"No, really, Shigure-san. Yuki-kun doesn't need to go through all the trouble."

"Don't worry about anything Tooru-kun," Shigure stated with a big smile, as he quickly ushered his younger cousin out of the room before Tooru could argue any more. As soon as they were out of sight in the hallway, the novelist shook his head and gave the younger boy a berating look, "Really Yuki-kun, I would expect this from Kyou-kun. With you, I expected a little bit more sensitivity to a woman's plight."

"What the hell is the idiot talking about now?" Came Kyou's sudden remark, catching only the tail end of the conversation as the two entered the common room. The cat automatically gave the rat a suspicious glare, "You better not be upsetting Tooru when she's sick."

"Who are you to talk?" The rat countered back, "It's this idiot who just started blabbing nonsense on his own."

"Ara?" Shigure gave his cousins an incredulous look, "You mean, you two really have no idea after all this time? This is stuff that you should have learned from health class before you even reach junior high school."

"........." Yuki gave the older man a blank stare (*went to an all boy's school and was sick and absent from class that day*)

"Ha?" Kyou blinked (*also went to an all boy's school, got into a fight and got sent home early that day*)

Shigure frowned and rubbed his chin, "So who gave you your `birds and the bees' lecture?"

"The what lecture?" Kyou glared at the older man suspiciously

"........." Yuki crossed his arms and continued to give his older cousin a bland look, "......you."

*Flashback to eight years ago... a smug 19-year-old Shigure talking to a horrified 9-year-old Kyou, an ill 9-year-old Yuki, an indifferent 8-year-old Haru (actually fell asleep with his eyes open), and a missing 8-year-old Momiji (got distracted and wandered off somewhere else five minutes after Shigure started).*

/"...... and that's what you should expect to happen when you start experiencing changes in your body," Shigure continued on cheerfully, before taking grave expression and a very serious tone, "And remember what I told you boys. Every time you play with yourself at night... a kitten dies."/

*Flash forward to present after "birds and the bees lecture, part 2")... with a self-satisfied looking Shigure, a horrified Kyou, and an exasperated Yuki.*

"Heeh... you really didn't know that?" Shigure noted with amusement, "I thought Hatori would have covered that part of the talk as well."

(Note: Hatori immediately did a proper talk, right after puzzled Kazuma reported that Kyou started to have nightmares about dead kittens.)

"You mean... once every month, a woman bleeds for a week?" Kyou stared at Shigure, wide-eyed with terror, "Won't they die?"

"That's right Kyou-kun," Shigure replied solemnly, without missing a beat, "If Tooru-kun doesn't get a supply of those womanly products... she'll die."

"Idiot," Yuki muttered under his breath as he buried his face in one hand

"What the hell are you waiting for, K'so Nezumi," Kyou glared at the rat in complete annoyance, "Get your ass off the floor and do the shopping!"

Yuki's eyes snapped open in surprise and stared at his cousin incredulously, "You really are an idiot, aren't you? You actually believe what Shigure said?"

"I'm not taking any chances!" Kyou shot back, making a determined stance, battle aura flaring, "I'm going with you to make sure you don't back out from buying what Tooru needs!"

"Thanks a lot," Yuki drawled sarcastically as he shot Shigure an annoyed look

Shigure simply gave him an innocent smile and made a cheerful wave, "Have fun, you two."

Thus, the reason why two petrified boys stood in front of the dreaded and uncharted male territory Aisle 13 to pick up the last item from their grocery list.

"Is it some kind of dare?" Manabe asked in amusement as he figured out what his student council superior was doing

"It's a favour for a friend," Yuki replied patiently, despite the embarrassed flush pooling on his face

"A `friend'?" Manabe raised a curious eyebrow

"That's none of your business," Kyou growled gruffly, equally red-faced, "Now move along before you get hurt."

"Saa, no need to be edgy," Manabe waved his hands protectively in front of him, "I was passing by and saw you two standing there, looking kind of lost, I knew at once that there were two newbies in this particular area. I thought I would give you a hand picking out the right product, but I didn't realize that it would be Yun-yun and his hot-headed cousin."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean by helping us?" Yuki instinctively held on to an indignant Kyou's collar before the cat can pounce. He then let out a sigh, as realization hit him, "Then again, it's not really surprising that someone like you would know a lot about things like this..."

"Eh? What do you mean exactly with that tone?" Manabe cried out, shaking an accusing finger at the grey-haired boy, heavily offended by what the other boy implied

"A man knowing about... fe.. pa... these things... IT'S UNNATURAL!" Kyou shot back gruffly, feeling a little unnerved about actually agreeing about something with Yuki, "Only a pervert like Shigure would know about these things."

Manabe let out a long patient sigh, before shaking his head sympathetically as he made a beeline for Aisle 13, "Well, let me help enlighten you, so you wouldn't find yourself in an embarrassing situation like what happened to me when you get a girlfriend."

"Someone actually wants to go out with this guy?" Kyou turned to Yuki skeptically

"So it seems," Yuki muttered, before taking a deep breath and following his best friend

"What brand does your... `FRIEND'... use?" Manabe asked nonchalantly

"How the hell should I know?" Kyou mumbled, arms wrapped protectively around himself, making extra sure that no part of his body brushed any part of the shelves and the products displayed in the aisle

"You mean you didn't bother asking?" The dark haired boy gaped at his schoolmates in shock

"We can't ask her that," Yuki hissed in pure mortification, "What's the difference anyway?"

"There's plenty of difference! You can't just pick up a random product and go. That's the first mistake I did, and boy did I pay for it! Well, might as well pick up a couple..." Manabe replied as he picked up one package after the other, dumping it on Yuki's blue plastic shopping basket, "This one's a maxi for heavy flow days, extra padded overnights for sleeping, slims for discretion, a scented version if she likes that kind of stuff, unscented if she's allergic... oh, my girlfriend likes this one with the little grooves on the edges... and these ones have wings..."

"Wings? Why the hell should women need wings for?" Kyou blurted out, his curiosity getting the better of him

Manabe shrugged nonchalantly, "To keep stains off the panties."

Both boys turned to an even deeper shade of red at the mention of the word `panties'. Yuki instantly gave his cousin a swift kick on the shin and glared at him menacingly, "Don't ask any more stupid questions!"

"AHA! Now, these ones are SPECIAL! Make sure you take a good look at them, because they are a proof of mankind's genius," Manabe called out excitedly before Kyou could come up with a retort. The student council vice president then threw one box to each boy, who both stared at their own box oddly.

"Girl's Best Friend Tampons with Super Slim Comfort Tips?" Yuki read the label aloud

"It's small, it's discreet, woman can do any activity they want without fear," Manabe recited the commercial sales pitch before making a conspiratory laugh, "And best of all, unlike the pads, women actually put this... `inside'..."

"In..." Yuki blinked as the makings of a censored vision slowly formed in his mind's eye

"...side" Kyou gaped in horror as his own censored vision appeared in his imagination

Yuki turned white as a sheet as the box flew out of his hands like a hot potato. Kyou, in the other hand, panicked in absolute terror, and started to run, screaming about dead kittens only to run into a stack of Kotex Maxi's (on sale) and collapse on the ground with the mother of all nosebleeds.

"Haaaaa! There's never been a day in my life since then that I didn't wish that I was a tampon," Manabe stated, ignoring the chaos he created, as he rubbed his cheek on the box he was holding... only to freeze on his tracks, as he felt a shadow looming over him. He turned around and beads of sweat started to form on his forehead instantly at what he saw, "Ara? Yun-yun? What's with the scary face?"

Meanwhile, back at Shigure's house...

"Ous! Nice to see you again, Mr. Novelist," Arisa called out with a small salute

"Sorry for the intrusion," Saki added, though her bland monotone didn't reflect her words

"Ara?" Shigure blinked at two girls and their plastic shopping bags at his doorstep.

"That's why I said Yuki-kun didn't need to go shopping," Tooru explained shamefaced, "I was talking to Hana-chan on the phone earlier this morning. She and Uo-chan already offered to do my shopping for me."

"Ahahaha! A well, que sera sera," Shigure stated cheerfully, "There's no harm done."

"I suppose not," Tooru agreed with a small laugh

******

"Clean up on Aisle 13..."

"Mommy! Mommy! Is that orange-haired guy dead?"

"MY GOD! He's bleeding to death! Someone call an ambulance!"

"GAAAAAH! THERE'S NO NEED FOR VIOLENCE YUN-YUN!"

".........!!!"

~OWARI~

Author's Squawk:

AAAR!!! RJunkie beat me with the modified version. I didn't want to sound too similar to RJunkie's fic, so I kept my. BTW, tthat was so damn hilarious! You go girl!! I most specially loved your creamy Yuki description.

I know, it's not really conforming to the original challenge since it's not Tooru buying the tampon... but what the hey! ^_^. Though, I don't feel that it's as funny as I wanted it to be because I originally intended it to be a doujinshi and depended on visual gags than actually writing them down. Ah well... maybe when I get around to drawing it, it'll be funnier. ^_^,

Ja!
Ina-chan