Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Bad Habit ❯ Bad Habit ( Chapter 1 )

“And you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, I'd kick the bucket
sixty times before I'd kick the habit.

And as the skin rips off I cherish the revolting thought
that even if I quit
there's not a chance in hell I'd stop”

-Bad Habit by the Dresden Dolls

 

 

Yuki carefully shut the door to his room, debating whether or not to lock. He decided not to, since he was the only one home, a rare occurrence in Shigure's house. The dog had gone to see Aaya (Yuki was thoroughly relieved his brother had not come here for once), Tohru was out with Uo and Hana, and Kyo was training at the dojo. Tohru had offered an invitation out to Yuki, that it would be fine for him to come along, but he had politely turned it down. Tohru rarely got to go out with just her friends; he'd hate to come between that.

 

But, now he was alone, and he was always at his worst when he was alone. With others around, he stayed busy, preoccupied. But alone, mostly at night, insecurities took over, and he'd stay awake at night for hours, unable to fall asleep. Over and over, he'd think about the curse, his shyness, how he had to be perfect all the time (nothing less was acceptable from the rat), how Tohru would probably never be his. It'd go on for hours, his self-esteem dwindling, the aching feeling inside growing… There was only one way to quiet his worries.

 

Yuki sat on his bed, and opened the drawer in his bedside table and pulled out a ziplock bag and a rag that had bloodstains on it in several places. He placed them both beside him on the bed, and set back against the headboard, rolling up his pant leg. There were a few scars on his calf, not too many though. Most of the scars were on his forearm, out of sight underneath his long-sleeve shirts. Yuki was slightly worried about when summer would come; how would he hide them then? He supposed he could wear those sweatbands athletes wore, or a lot of those LiveStrong bracelets that were becoming popular. As for now, he wasn't going to cut on his arms anymore. He hadn't planned ahead in the beginning; all that mattered then was relieving the stress, making those thoughts go away.

 

He opened the ziplock bag and held it open over his palm. A small blade fell into his hand. He'd torn one of his razors apart, to get an individual blade. Cutting with a normal razor just hadn't worked; little pieces of wire had been put in to make it impossible to cut himself enough. At first, knives had been used, before Tohru noticed one was missing.

 

Yuki swallowed, grimacing, as he watched himself dig the blade into his leg, slowly dragging it up. It hurt, it always hurt. But, that was why he did it. The pain helped, the pain ended the thoughts, and the blood coming out in tiny droplets was almost like stress flowing out of him, relaxing him. The blood came out slowly, gathering into a large drop before starting its trail down his calf. Quickly, he caught the blood with the rag, and pressed it to the cut, hoping that was all he was going to have to do.

 

Several times, he had cut so deeply, he was afraid he'd have to call Hatori. Luckily, he'd been able to gain control over the bleeding each time, had found a butterfly band-aid, and was able to go about his day normally, or just go back to sleep.

 

He never wanted to cut, never had ever thought he would be someone who would cut. But, when his low self-esteem had gotten so bad, he'd wanted to do anything to stop the feelings of nothingness, of worthlessness. Somewhere, he wasn't sure where, he'd heard about cutting, and tried it.

 

There was that usual pain, and then he felt it. That relief, that wonderful, calming, relief flowed through him. He knew immediately that it would be hard, if not impossible, to quit this new addiction.

 

Yuki lifted the rag, and studied the cut. The bleeding had stopped, and the pain was gone. But…he didn't feel better. The thoughts, the loneliness…it was still there. H e hated it when he had to cut more than once. It further proved how pathetic he was, that he had to cut multiple times to feel normal.

 

Yuki was so focused on he blade slicing his skin that he didn't notice the sound of the front door being opened and then closed. He didn't hear soft footsteps coming up the stairs as he watched in slight fascination as he bled, didn't hear anything until Tohru's voice drifted through his door.

 

“Yuki? Are you home?”

 

He froze, staring at the door. How could she be home? She hadn't left too long ago.

 

His door slowly opened. “Yuki…?”

 

Tohru froze, staring at him. Yuki stared back, unsure of what to do. How to cover it up…? Her eyes scanned his leg, locking on his cuts, his scars.

 

“You're hurt,” Tohru said slowly, eyes still locked on his cuts, as she walked to him.

 

“No, Miss Honda, it's nothing,” he said hastily, dropping the blade and pulling his pant leg down. “I… I just…”

 

He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

 

Tohru bit her lip as she stood beside him. “Yuki… let me see, please?”

 

Yuki didn't move. Did she realize what he had been doing? Tohru wasn't the sharpest person around, he wasn't even sure if she had ever heard of cutting before. It didn't seem likely that she knew, but it was possible.

 

Tohru sat next to him. “Yuki… .Did-did you… do that to yourself?”

 

He didn't answer, couldn't answer. She knew he had, knew it what he did…

 

She moved her hand along his comforter, and paused, picking up something; the blade he had used. She turned it over in her fingers, staring at it. “Yuki….” When she looked back up at him, there were tears in her eyes.

 

“Oh, Miss Honda… don't cry,” Yuki whispered. “It's-it's okay…”

 

“Why didn't you tell me?” Tohru asked softly, looking at him.

 

“I didn't tell anyone.”

 

She bit her lip; it hurt him to see her so upset. He wished he had paid better attention to the sounds of the house.

 

“Would you…would you let me look at them? Please? I just want to make sure they've stopped bleeding….”

 

Yuki didn't answer her, and didn't move when she hesitantly began to roll his pant leg up. She stared at his leg for a moment, at all the scars, before inspecting his cuts. She picked up his rag, careful only to touch the places without blood and dabbed at the fresher cut.

 

“Why did you do this?” she whispered, her voice shaky.

 

Oh, if only he could tell her, tell her everything that was going wrong in his life, all his little worries. But, Tohru had enough on her shoulders, had enough to worry about; he couldn't add more to it. “…I don't know.”

 

She started to shake, her head down. At first, Yuki didn't understand why, until he heard her sniffle, stifling a sob.

 

“Oh, Miss Honda, please don't cry,” he said, putting a hand on her shoulder, trying to give her some comfort. “Don't cry.”

 

“I-I can't help it,” she sobbed, hugging his leg, her head on his knee. “You-you're hurting yourself, and I-I should have done something, I should have known….”

 

“It's not your fault,” he whispered, wishing more than ever that he could hug her. “It isn't; you didn't know-”

 

“I should have!… I'm sorry Yuki….”

 

“You don't have anything to be sorry about….” He leaned his forehead against the top of her head. “It's…it's all right….”

 

They sat together like that in silence for several minutes until her tears subsided.

 

“Yuki…do-do you have any other razors?” Tohru asked softly.

 

“Just the ones I shave with….”

 

“Would-would you mind if I held onto them for you? I'll give them to you every morning to use….”

 

Yuki almost smiled. She cared…she cared so much….

 

“All right,” he agreed.

 

She sat up, looking him in the eye. “Would you…would you please tell me if you are going to do this again…please? I don't want you to hurt anywhere…whether it's here…” She touched the cuts on his leg. “…or here.” She then pressed her fingers to his chest, to his heart. “You can talk to me…I'll listen to anything…everything…. Just don't hurt yourself again, please don't.”

 

His heart broke, seeing her beg him to stop, tears in her eyes, her face full of hurt. He should stop, if only just for her….

 

He reached forward and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “I'll try.”

 

She smiled, then broke into sobs, sobs that Yuki believed were out of happiness. And it was worth it, to lie to her like that, if it would just make her happy. Well, it wasn't exactly a lie. He would try, he'd try for her. But, there was no way he'd be able to stop, fully stop.

 

He'd just have to hide it from her.