Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Baka Neko, Kuso Nezumi ❯ Baka Neko, Kuso Nezumi ( Chapter 1 )

Baka Neko, Kuso Nezumi

You call me a baka neko. You call me rash, hot-tempered, foolish, and utterly hopeless. And no matter how hard I try to control myself, the combination of your frozen voice and that haughty look of yours never fail to send me in to a complete fury. I hate you when you act like that. I hate your masks, the way you con everyone into thinking you're oh-so-perfect, the way everyone flocks to you and worships the ground you walk on just because of your girly face. Everything about you is cold, and when I look at you, all I ever see is this pleasant shell with almost nothing inside. You seem empty of everything resembling a soul, and I hate seeing it.

I hate how you seem to think you're so much better than I am, and I hate how everyone in the world outside of Tohru or Shishiou seem to agree. You whine about how much you hate the attention, but you still eat it up. The Blessed Rat, they call you. And here I stand, just doing my best to survive each day, and everyone thinks the worst of me for just being alive. I'd kill to be where you are, to not be hated just because I ended up being born possessed with the spirit of the Cat. I'd give so much to be accepted by those that are supposed to be my family, to not be looked down on just because of a stupid story. And I wish that just once, you'd acknowledge that my struggles are real and important.

But no. Your understanding, your kindness, your warmth, are only for the worthy Sohmas. And the moments in which you're actually real instead of a shell only go to Tohru. You love her. Not that I blame you, I love her too, but not like that. It'd be impossible, anyway. And not even the supposed perfection of your pretty rat-ass would stop you from changing every time she tried to embrace you. That's why I'm not trying anything with her. I don't want to give her that kind of stress. She accepts me. That's enough. I just wish you'd make the goddamn effort instead of just seeing me as trash. I hate how you can just view everyone as below you unless they're useful in some way.

I hate you almost as much as I hate myself. And that says a lot, because I've been raised to hate myself from birth. And I'm disgusted even more, because you force me to live a lie.

You're too damn perfect, and I know it's a fake perfection. Even so, it's pulled me in just like every other brainless sucker in our lives. When you're acting real, when you're talking to Tohru, I find myself caring about you more than I should. It's stupid and dangerous. Even breathing a single word of it would get me laughed at. But it doesn't stop me from wishing that just once, you'd soften your gaze like that for me.

I guess I really am a baka neko.

You call me a kuso nezumi. You call me cold, heartless, empty, cruel, and manipulative. And the fact that you are completely right, have seen that deeply and clearly into myself with almost no effort angers me more than I can say. I can't stand your clarity and brutal honesty, because they remind me that while you remain outcaste to the family, you're the freest of all of us. You don't need masks, and jealousy grates on my nerves like sandpaper. You wear every emotion you carry out where anyone can see it, and even when hiding behind anger, you're insanely easy to read. You practically glow with inner strength, and your spirit is blinding. I hate you because it reminds me how weak I am, and how empty. I build all my masks and shells so that no one would see that, even me. And yet, you pierce them with one glance. How can you do what not even Tohru fully manages to do?!

I hate how you're so determined to make yourself noticed in this family. You act like your freedom doesn't mean a thing to you! And I hate how even you, with your unusual and infuriating clarity, have bought into that stupid legend about the Cat and the Rat. I hate being worshipped. They just want me to sit on some pedestal and be their prince. And I hate how easily you draw people to yourself. You couldn't believe how jealous I am, knowing that everyone in our school flocks to you, not out of worship, but because they genuinely like you. Never mind that you're surly and act like you have absolutely no self-control, they truly want to be friends with you. I would kill to have that quality, and the fact that you don't even seem to notice it in yourself makes me want to scream. I hate that you could have a real life if you wanted, never mind who you are in family tradition. The Accursed Cat, they call you. You don't seem so `accursed' to me. And just once, I wish you'd just get it through your thick skull that being the Rat is just as bad as being the Cat.

But that would be asking too much, wouldn't it? Only Tohru gets that much effort and understanding from you. You won't even allow the other cousins close, no matter how much they try. And I understand that, which annoys me. I don't want to understand you, to understand how hard it is for you to accept people with upbringings so steeped in casual cruelty that they don't even realize how much their mocking hurts you. I hate you for making me understand. And I hate that you, in all your rash and hot-tempered glory, have turned my eyes away from Tohru.

I find myself wanting to see you smile at me like you do for her. I want to be the one you turn to when the hurt gets to be too much. I even find myself actively insulting you, just because all of your attention is on me during a fight. I want you, so I hurt you. I disgust myself. And I hate you for making me love you, never mind that you did nothing to cause it except be yourself.

I really am a kuso nezumi.