Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Bathroom Logic ❯ Bathroom Logic ( Chapter 1 )

Bathroom Logic

It was very late. Everyone else in Shigure's house had long since gone to bed, and the moon outside was slowly setting. It was, in fact, so late that it might have been more accurate to say it was early.

Despite this, one room was lit brightly, a small bathroom across the hall from the bedrooms. Inside, Sohma Kyo knelt in front of the toilet, clutching it for dear life and trying not to throw up. Having stayed out late and missed dinner, he had stopped at a fast-food Chinese restaurant and ordered the chow mein. Now, several hours later, his body was complaining bitterly.

Serves me right for eating at a place named Ralph's Pagoda, he thought bitterly to himself as he fought down another surge of nausea. Who knows WHAT was in that chow mein? Not me, but I have a few suspicions…I'll have to check and see if there has been a rash of missing pets around that area. Then, when I am not feeling quite so stinky, revenge shall be mine!

Due to the fact that Kyo had gotten no sleep all night, and the lightheadedness from heaving into the toilet all evening, the crimson-eyed boy entered that whimsical state of mind where one is never more than half-awake, but enough of the real world seeps in to form some very strange thoughts. However, even these were a comfort to the cat of the zodiac, since he was willing to think about anything that didn't have to do with his current state of health.

Ooh, that's a neat design in the tiles over there. I wonder why I didn't notice it before…wait; we don't have tiles on this floor… Oh! It's a spider web! Hello, Mr. Spider! I wonder if you've ever tried to take over the world before. Hmmm, if you're actually a certain kuso nezumi in disguise, I'm gonna get really upset… I'll…I'll…I don't know what I'll do, but it'll be something not nice. Like force you to watch a Jerry Springer marathon. Is that one of our cousins tangled in your web?! No, it's a dead fly! Yaaay! I hate flies. They buzz around and get into my stuff and deliberately dive into peoples' soup so that they make bad jokes about it. I hate fly jokes, just like I hate chow mein that makes me feel like-DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!!!!! Evil flies, reaching even past deaths at the hands of spiders that might just be Yuki in disguise to remind me of bad things and do spiders even have hands?

Ugh. Think of something else. Spiders and hands are not something I want to think about…uh… Possible boyfriends! Fabio? UGH!!!! NO NO NONONONO!!!! GLACK! Evil plastic Ken doll man! Umm…Michael Jackson? Eew. Even more plastic, and with all that surgery, I'm not even sure he's still a guy! Ooh, thinking of yucky American celebrities…and I suspect that MJ may not be HUMAN either…this is almost as bad as the chow me-NOOOOO!!!!

All thought ceased for a moment as Kyo clung to the toilet for dear life and suffered a set of dry heaves. Once they stopped, his brain started up again. Whether this was a good thing or not was debatable.

Must think about something different. How about things I hate? Leeks! I hate evil green leeks that smell bad and look like they should be the guts for some B-movie monster! Uhhh…I hate carpet lint! It kills the vacuum cleaner! I hate the way the paint always peels off the ceiling no matter how many times we fix it…stupid finger paints. How did Momiji persuade me to use that stuff? Oh yeah, the little bastard got me drunk. I hate that, too. Oooh, I'm on a roll! I HATE rolls! Especially when they get all moldy and fuzzy green and start singing opera at you when you try to spread butter on them! And I REALLY hate Shigure's butler! Wait, he doesn't have a butler…well, that's why I hate him! He's NEVER around when you need his annoying nonexistent ass! But NOBODY'S as annoying as that damn cow, Hatsuharu! Yeah! Now there's a guy I can really LOATHE! With his scary hair, funny weird-ass psyche, and his CUTE BUTT!

……………

WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!?!?! I hate his cute butt! ARGH! There I go again!!! That guy is SO damn odious! Odious? Where'd I hear that word? Oh yeah, it was in a romance novel… When did I read a romance novel?! Oh no, it's happening again! My subconscious must be reading them while I'm asleep! I have a really weird subconscious. Now what was that odious thing about? Oh yeah! If the stupid girl called the dumb prat odious by the 83rd page, that meant they'd fall in love! Waitaminute, didn't I just call Haru that? What page am I on? Am I gonna fall in love with HARU?! EEEEWWWWW!!!!!! I REALLY HATE THAT!!!!!! That's almost as disgusting as that damned chow mein-ACK!

Again, all thought processes shut down as Kyo had another attack of the stomach grunkies. Finally, just as dawn was beginning to break, he stumbled back to bed, carrying a bucket just in case.

When he was woken up for school two hours later, he barfed on Yuki's shoes just for spite and was sent back to bed.