Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Custody ❯ His eyes ( Chapter 21 )

Momiji woke up after a restless night and sat up quietly on his bed on the morning before Christmas. It was a habit that he acquired during the days he had spent in that house. In the silence of early morning, all by himself in his room, he tried to think clearly about the mess he was in. He knew that he was running out of time, but he was still confused. He knew what he wanted to do, what the voice of reason advised, but he couldn't muster enough courage to do it. What had to be done kept colliding with what he thought he had to do.

 

He was tired: tired of this situation, of feeling insecure, of endlessly waiting, of wanting, of being rejected, of being alone. Most of all, he was tired of the happy mask that he had forced himself to wear for so long. He wanted everything to stop. He put his head between his hands as he slouched.

 

-“I can't do this anymore! I can't keep it up!” -his voice betrayed the desperation he felt, the hopelessness.

 

That was the reason why he needed this time alone so much. He could be himself, with no masks, without having to be careful of hurting others.

 

-`Why am I feeling this way now? I used to think that it was all behind me…' -secretly, he admitted to himself that the reason for his current fear and confusion was Momo. Seeing her again and having a chance to finally be her brother made old insecurities and hurt feelings resurface. He felt like his heart was being squeezed by an invisible fist. He couldn't blame her for the current situation, but he couldn't help it but to think that she owed him somehow. It was irrational and he knew it, wanting Momo to make it up to him for all that he had lost, all that he had been cruelly denied and all that she had unknowingly received in his stead.

 

-“I don't want to be selfish. I just want you with me. Why can't you see that?” -he whispered. “Please… Just this once, please…” he begged. He didn't know to whom, and yet he hoped that his plea could reach whoever had the power to grant it.

 

And yet, he had his tickets for the flight back on the bureau by his bedside. He bought them the day before without letting Momo or his grandmother know about it. He had to leave. He just had to. But he knew that boarding that plane wouldn't solve anything. He knew that this new separation would tear his heart apart. Unlike six years ago, this time he was making the decision to let go of Momo, and it was killing him inside. He didn't know how he was going to be able to keep himself from crumbling to pieces in front of her for four whole days before he left.

 

He realized that deep down he wanted to be stopped. He wanted to be given a reason to stay: a reason to forget about everything else and do what he really wanted for once.

 

Going back to Japan now would throw him into more uncomfortable situations. He had his family, his house and his work there; but he also had Tohru waiting for him. The idea of seeing her again filled him with both hope and fear. He looked up to the moment when he could tell her what had happened here, but he dreaded the moment when he had to see her with him. The fact that he had always known where her heart was didn't make it easier for Momiji. He knew that he was going to be stabbed in the heart at the sight of them together. Even if he understood the situation and felt happy for her as a friend, as a man he refused to accept the fact that he never had a chance to have her. He had loved Tohru so much for so long that he doubted that he would ever be able to love anybody else. However, he just wanted to have her near, to feel her comforting presence around. It had to be better than loosing her altogether.

 

-“I just need to live through this day. I have to make it through another day at least. Please, just give me the strength to do what I have to do. Help me!”

 

Momo woke up early that morning. Contrary to popular belief, she really was a morning person; she was just a heavy sleeper. She knew what her grandmother had planned for that day, and even if she didn't feel like visiting, the idea of going out and see her family made her smile with anticipation. She wondered what they would think of Momiji. Would they like him?

 

She had to see if he was up yet. She silently crept up to his room. She had the feeling that she shouldn't just barge in.

 

His door was slightly ajar. She felt like an intruder, looking into his room unnoticed, but she couldn't help it. She had the strong feeling that she shouldn't let him see her.

 

He was sitting on his bed, arms by his sides and his face looking up into nothingness. She tried to remember where she had seen that same look before. His eyes made her heart hurt, filling her with memories that she couldn't clearly identify. They were filled with raw emotions that she couldn't tell apart well. She had never seen Momiji look so desperate, so lost...

 

And then, she saw his tears sliding down his cheeks. He was saying something that she didn't understand, but by the tone of his voice she knew that he was begging for something. She remembered a similar episode a few days before she had left Japan. At that time, she had no idea of what to do. She had felt so useless.

 

Momo couldn't stand it anymore. There had to be something that she could do to help, to ease his pain. She opened the door slowly and she waited on the threshold to be acknowledged. Momiji tensed immediately in front of her. Without looking down, he closed his eyes and wiped his tears away with his hand as he took several stabilizing breaths. Once he gained back some sort of control over his emotions, he finally lowered his eyes to look upon his sister.

 

Momo locked eyes with him. His face was calm, but his eyes kept showing his emotions openly. She knew that she had seen that look before, but where?

 

She took his silence as an invitation to approach him. She stood in front of him as close as she dared to be. He still didn't say anything. The silence was beginning to be too much for her, but she couldn't think of anything to say. She felt like he was trying to tell her something with his eyes, but she couldn't understand him. At that moment she would've given anything to be able to read his mind.

 

After some minutes, she couldn't hold his gaze anymore. She looked down to the side of his bed. She noticed the plane ticket on the bureau and she felt like she had been stabbed. Hesitantly, with silent steps, she walked to it and she took the envelope in her hand. She didn't want to think about it, so she just opened it and confirmed her fears. There was only one set of tickets in there for the 27th of December. She looked at him with questioning eyes.

 

-“You're not coming.” It was an explanation, not an accusation, but she still felt miserable that he already knew. Even though Momiji had known for some days now, it still hurt so deeply that he had trouble breathing properly.

 

-“I…” -Momo couldn't find the words to tell him how she felt; why she had made that decision. She knew that it was the best for him, but looking into his eyes she saw so much sadness… she didn't want to hurt him.

 

-“Don't worry. I understand.” -He gave her one of his famous smiles, the kind that never made it to his eyes. The one that she knew was only for her peace of mind, forced. She hadn't seen it since he moved into her house. At that moment she realized how much that smile must hurt him every time. Was he trying to hide his true feelings behind it?

 

Momo smiled back nervously. It was that smile. Momiji couldn't contain himself anymore. He snapped.

 

-“Stop it! Whatever it is you're thinking, just tell me, but don't give me that fake smile!” -he looked away, unable to face her any longer. He was speaking a little louder than usual, but she had trouble making out the meaning of his words, since he was speaking in Japanese again.

 

-“What are you talking about?” -she was really confused now. Not only because of his words, but because she noticed again that his voice was just like her father's at that moment. Thinking about her father, she finally remembered where she had seen that same look that Momiji had then.

 

When had she grown so used to it that she stopped noticing the sadness in her father's eyes?

 

Momiji's voice interrupted her thoughts.

 

-“That's the same smile she gave me every time! I learned to accept it from her, but I can't bear to see it on you!” Momiji dropped his defenses completely, leaving his emotions exposed for Momo to read. He was looking directly into her eyes, and for a moment, Momo could see anger on his face.

 

-“Who are you talking about?!” -Momo asked again.

 

-“I'm talking about my mother, your…” -he stopped suddenly, realizing what he was about to say. He looked down, averting his eyes. “Just forget about it. Please, Momo. Just leave me alone.” -he whispered.

 

-“But…” -she wanted to know what he was going to say.

 

-“Please, Momo. Just leave me alone.” -he repeated softly.

 

Momo didn't say another word. Walking out of his room, she closed the door behind her. Momiji broke down in tears. Momo leaned back on the door, listening to him.

 

-“Momiji, what are you hiding from me? What were you going to tell me?” -she asked softly to the door, knowing perfectly that he couldn't hear her.