Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Custody ❯ Who are you? ( Chapter 28 )

Momiji detached himself very carefully from his sister a couple of hours later. He didn't want to wake her up yet.

 

He sat on the bed and took a long time enjoying the moment and her proximity. It was the first time he ever shared something like this with her.

 

-“We never had a chance…” -he whispered sadly as he ran his fingers through her unkempt locks. She looked much more like the little girl from his memories at that moment.

 

Some minutes later Momiji decided that it was time to get out of bed. He only had this one day left, and he needed to make the most of it. He didn't dare to spend the whole day with Momo, though, as much as he wanted to, because he was afraid of what could happen if he did. He felt his resolve to let her stay wearing thin with every passing second, and he didn't want to do something that he could regret later.

 

So, he got dressed and ready to go while Momo still slept. When he got out of his room he found Grandma in the kitchen cooking breakfast. He looked at her silently for a few seconds, memorizing her moves and features. She didn't seem to notice.

 

-“I'm going to miss you too.” -she said quietly. Grandma stopped her cooking to look at him in the eyes. Momiji knew that she really meant what she said.

 

He decided to change the topic. He didn't feel like talking about that. Ever.

 

-“I need to go out for a couple of hours. I'll be back later.” -he explained vaguely.

 

-“Aren't you taking Momo with you? -she asked looking behind him for the girl. “You might get lost.”

 

-“No, I'm not. I didn't want to wake her up, and besides, I have a good sense of direction.” -his explanation felt and sounded like a lie even to himself. He knew that she figured the same.

 

-“It's not fair for Momo. She loves you, but you are running away from her.” -she scolded him lightly.

 

-“She'll get over it with time. She has lived without me her whole life, it's not like she'll need me now.” -he pointed out. He forced a smile on his face to conceal his sadness.

 

-“Don't you need her either?” -she had thought that he was back to normal after Christmas, but he was shutting her out again. She didn't like it. It was like talking to a stranger.

 

-“I'll manage. I'm used to it.” -he stated with apparent indifference.

 

-“Used to what?”

 

-“I'm used to living without her.” -he elaborated detachedly. “It's not like I'm losing her again. I never had her to begin with.”

 

-“Won't you miss her?” -Brigitta saw him flinch visibly at the question. `Bingo.'

 

He chuckled after a moment, startling her.

 

-“Every day.” -the answer was tinged with bitterness, but it didn't show on his face.

 

-“Go and wake her up. I'm not letting you do this to her and more importantly, to yourself. Quit running away and give her a chance. You might be surprised.” -she knew what he was doing, and she couldn't just stand there while he cut them off his life.

 

-“Maybe I am running away. The problem is that I'm not strong enough to go on with this anymore. I can't… Maybe I shouldn't have come here at all! What if…” -he trailed off, the bitterness still present in his words.

 

-“Don't say that! Do you really regret coming here?”

 

-“It didn't change a thing! I didn't change a thing! I…” He cut the sentence off again.

 

-“You what..?” She really needed to know. She knew that there was something else that he was not talking about, something that hurt him deeply.

 

-“It's nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just homesick.” He lied.

 

-“This can be your home too if you want.” -she reminded him. They talked about that several times during the days he was there, but he always gave the same answer.

 

-“I don't belong here.” Another programmed response, and then, “Momo does.”

 

He had told her about his conversation with the Japanese couple days ago. Their words struck her as true and wise, so she decided to use them again.

 

-“Her home is wherever you are.”

 

-“Home is where the heart is, isn't it how the saying goes? Her heart is here, with you.” -he countered.

 

-“How do you know that? You know she loves you and…” She felt that she had finally found the reason of this change. She needed to know more to figure out the situation completely. He interrupted a little curtly.

 

-“She didn't choose me…” He wanted to make her understand. Momo had chosen someone else instead of him.

 

He was rejected… again.

 

-“You resent her for that!” -she realized, shocked.

 

He didn't really blame Momo; it was more like he was disappointed and hurt. Momiji didn't deny the accusation, though. He simply decided to change the topic.

 

-“I'm leaving my little sister with you. Please, take care of her for me.” He was entrusting her with someone precious to him. The only part of his family he had left. There was a tone of finality in his voice that alarmed her.

 

-“You know I will, but... you're talking like you're not coming back ever again… why?” She was loosing him, and now that she knew him that scared her more than anything else before in her life.

 

-“I don't know if I will. I really don't know… I don't have a reason to come back.” -he explained, defeated.

 

-“What about your sister?” -she asked. Then, in a quiet voice: “What about me? I want to see you again!”

 

Momiji sensed the sadness in her voice. He couldn't bear to be the cause of it. He thought for a moment, and then his face lit up slightly.

 

-“You can visit me anytime you want. Just let me know and I'll send the tickets.” His voice turned serious again. “It's just that I can't come back… maybe later, if I give it some time, okay?” His offer was sincere. Her grandson really wanted to see her again. That made a wave of relief run through her. She would make sure to visit him soon at his home, the place where he had grown up.

 

She nodded.

 

 

There was no way to make Momiji change his mind. He left that morning by himself. The most Grandma could make him do was to take the car. It was almost freezing outside. She couldn't understand why someone would want to go out with that weather.

 

Momiji took the time to drive around town and observe the people walking in the street. He stopped by some shops and bought souvenirs for his friends and family. Having had breakfast with Grandma, he skipped lunch, but bought himself a large bag of lollipops. He was still quite fond of candy; it was just that it didn't look good for a business man in a gray suit to have a lollipop in his mouth during a meeting with a client or dictating a letter, so he didn't have as many as he wanted anymore.

 

He knew that he had resigned himself to a life that he would've considered dull when he was Momo's age. He didn't plan on being like this back then. In fact, at that time he had totally different dreams and expectations for his future, all of which didn't come true. He knew from his own experience as well as others' that if you ever want to achieve your childhood dreams you can't afford to loose the excitement, the will to carry on.

 

Momiji didn't remember at what point in his life he lost both.

 

He supposed that Grandma was right. He was running away. He was giving up again. That realization made him feel like a coward, but he found out long before that there's no point in fighting a loosing battle. Resignation was much easier than desperation, and it made the loss bearable to a certain level.

 

Momiji got used to giving up with every time the decision to do so was taken for him. That was all he was told to do: to let go, to stay away, to quit. He never had a chance to fight back as a child, and now as a grown man it had become a habit. He got so used to what he considered the way things should be done that he never questioned his own options anymore.

 

The only thing he ever asked, demanded and even pleaded for was his right to be Momo's brother.

 

And now he had lost that right too, or was he giving it up? He lacked the clarity of thought to analyze what had happened. He only knew that he needed to be away from her for the day if he was ever going to stick to his resolution of leaving her behind.

 

`Ironic, isn't it? Now it's the other way around.'

 

He went to the cemetery around noon. He remembered the place well, so he didn't have any trouble finding the graves. He just stood there for some minutes forcing into his mind the good memories he had of them. The visit was brief and silent. There was nothing to say.

 

On the way back he called Grandma to tell her that he was buying dinner. He took the opportunity to say goodbye to the Japanese couple at the restaurant and share another nice conversation with them. Neither of them mentioned Momo at all. Momiji acted happy as usual and ordered some of his favorite dishes, including the traditional soba that his family was so fond of.

 

 

When he finally got back to the house he found Momo sitting in the living room waiting for him. Her face lit up with happiness when she saw him. She looked relieved.

 

Momo walked to him with an unreadable emotion in her eyes. Momiji was puzzled. He didn't know what to do when Momo stood on her tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. He guessed that it was a funny scene: he standing at the door with his arms loaded with dinner and she standing on her tiptoes kissing his cheek. He wished he had a camera right then.

 

He laughed. She pouted.

 

-“When I woke up this morning and I couldn't find you I was so scared! I thought that you were gone! I know that you said that you wouldn't leave without telling me, but…”

 

`I was scared', they both finished in their minds.

 

He knew that and he hated it, but there was nothing either one of them could do about it, so there was no point in saying anything.

 

He smiled at her again and started to walk to the kitchen to serve the food. Momo helped set the table. When he asked about Grandma Momo told him that she had gone out. Momiji knew that the old woman had planned everything so that he and Momo could spend some time together alone.

 

Momiji and Momo sat at the table to have dinner. They were both noticeably nervous, and while he was having a hard time keeping himself from speaking a little too much, paradoxically, she was nervous for just the opposite reason.

 

Momo wanted to talk to him, really talk. She knew that he was hiding something from her, and that it was something about her family, but she didn't want to come to any conclusions on her own. After all, if there was something that Momiji knew and that he had been hiding from her, she deserved to know it straight from him, not through someone else.

 

The fun part of dinner came when Momo tried to eat with the chopsticks. Momiji enjoyed seeing the utensils slipping through her fingers a couple of times before she finally got back the grasp of them and ate without any problems. He didn't comment on that, and she remained quiet.

 

Momiji finally broke the silence with his calm and even voice. She felt like he was talking to the eight-year-old version of her.

 

-“About what you said earlier… I'm sorry if I scared you. I didn't mean to. I told you the truth yesterday: I'd never leave without telling you.” He reassured her with his calm and soothing voice.

 

-“I know, but the fact is that you're leaving anyway. I wish you could stay…” She wanted to find a way to stop him from leaving, but she knew that it was impossible. She kept on wishing for a miraculous turn of events, though.

 

-“I can't and we both know it. You will be happy here, with the people you love and your memories.” -his voice was once again just like his father's, but he didn't realize that. Momo did.

 

-“What about you, Momiji? Will you be happy?” -she was having second thoughts about her decision. She needed to know if her sacrifice would really be worth it for the sake of Momiji's happiness.

 

-“That's the second time somebody asks me that. Don't worry. I'll be fine.” -he told her with the biggest smile he could produce. She knew that he would be fine, but the wistful look in his eyes told her something else.

 

-“I know that you'll be fine; the question is if you will be happy.” -she insisted. It took Momiji a minute to answer.

 

-“Rabbits are always happy, remember? Don't worry.” -the smile didn't change or disappear as he spoke.

 

Momo couldn't take it anymore. She was tired of the riddles and the unspoken truths. She had to know.

 

-“Who are you really? Who am I to you?” -It was not a question. It was more like a demand. She wanted the truth, and she wanted him to say it…

 

…now.

 

Momiji stiffened noticeably upon hearing her question. For a moment she thought that he was going to snap at her, but he only breathed slowly a couple of times before the smile appeared on his lips once more.

 

-“We've talked about that before, what do you mean by that?” He was scared of her next question, but he had decided long ago that he would never lie if she asked him directly.

 

-“I know that you're hiding something from me. I'm not stupid, you know. I can tell that you and Grandma know something you don't want me to find out. Something about my family, isn't it? What is it?”

 

He didn't say a word. Momo couldn't see his face because he was looking down to his plate without moving or making a sound.

 

-“Let me ask you again. What is that secret you don't want to tell me? Who are you really?” Her voice was demanding and a little cold. Momiji didn't want her to know like this, but he was going to stick to his resolution.

 

He would never lie to her if she asked him directly.

 

He sighed, defeated, and answered simply and truthfully:

 

-“I told you before. I am your older brother.” -He reached across the table to touch the tip of her nose with his finger as his eyes filled with unshed tears. “You'll just never believe it, will you?” -he whispered. “You'll never see what's right in front of your eyes, just like her.”

 

-“Who are you talking about?” She dreaded the answer, because she already had an idea of who he was referring to.

 

-“Your Mama”, a slight hesitant pause, and then a determined look settled in his eyes as he softly added: “My mother.”