Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Enter Shigure ❯ Enter the Dog ( Chapter 1 )

Enter Shigure's house; there's a message on the machine; enter yard. Police officer steps out of a car, checking address written on slip of paper. He folds it and walks to the door, knocking twice. Enter Shigure. He walks out of the house and looks at him, smiling as he says hi with a wave. Officer doesn't smile back.

Enter home again. Shigure leans casually against the wall and asks what the guy is there for. Officer asks about property dangers.

Shigure: Well, I'm told it's pretty dangerous by my friends…

Officer: May I have their names?

S: Uhh…no.

O: What do you mean, no?

S: They don't have names.

O: What do you mean, they don't have names? You're friends don't have names?

S: Of course not! They're dogs!

O: Dogs?

S: Of course they're dogs! They make very good companions!

O: I'm not even gonna ask. Now, I understand a tent was unearthed on your property?

S: Hmm…*thinks for a few seconds…pause…* Oh, yes, that tent!

O: Then you're aware of it? Why didn't you remove it?

S: In the chaos of the incident, what, with Kyo, my pet cat, jumping through the roof and all…I kind of forgot to remove it…

O: ??

S: And, of course, Yuki went to go get the things out of it…

O: And who is Yuki?

S: Yuki's my pet rat!

O: And I suppose he's well trained?

S: Yup! He went to get all his rat friends to help him!

O: You're not serious are you?

S: You'd be surprised, what sorts of things happen here!

O: This house pretty big…do you live alone?

S: No, I live with Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru.

O: Yes, the cat and rat…and who is Tohru?

S: She's my riceball!

O: You named a riceball?

S: She's also my maid!

O: How does a riceball clean?

S: She also cooks and is so helpful around the house!

O: When was the last time you had a cat scan?

S: Kyo's never been scanned before…

O: Okay…a CT scan?

S: He's never had one of those, either.

O: You. Not the cat, not the rat, not the riceball. You.

S: Umm…can we change the subject?

O: I take that as a no. Okay…do you have your license and registration?

S: *thinks, pauses* …Of course I do! But they're in my other yukata!

O: Uh…where?

S: At dry cleaning!

O: I didn't think Yukatas had pockets…

S: It's custom made by Aya!

O: And who is Aya?

S: He's Haa-san's snake!

O: And who's Haa-san?

S: He's a dragon! Wait…no, not technically…

O: Is he a lizard?

S: No, he's the dragon's bastard offspring, a seahorse.

O: …Do you own a zoo?

S: No, but I live in one!

O: I don't doubt that sir.

S: Later, I'm visiting my little brother.

O: And is he a bird, by any chance?

S: Close…birds love being around him.

O: You're insane, aren't you sir?

S: I'm told so! *smiles*

O: I'm willing to bet you are.

S: *looks up* Ooh, my editor's coming!

O: What do you do?

S: I write these. *Shows Summer Colored Sigh*

O: You need an editor for dime store smut?

S: Oh, wrong one! I mean this! *Pulls out Heartthrob*

O: Oh, that's my favorite book! *Blanks out* You're…Shigure Sohma?! *mumbles to self* Man…not what I pictured…

Mii: Shigure, have you written your manuscript yet?!

S: *Pumps fist in air cheerfully* I'm being interrogated!

M: Is that a fact?

S: *Smiles* You're so cute when you're angry. Yes, I'm being interrogated. Can't you see the officer?

M: I don't care if you're being arrested! I need your manuscript now!

O: Umm…*attempts to get attention*

S: I can't do the manuscript because I'm going to jail!

O: He-

M: I always knew you were going to get arrested, but you don't have time right now!

O: Why would he need to be arrested?

M: First off, he's a perv!

S: Why, I never!

M: He lives with minors! There's a girl, a guy, and someone I can't tell about!

O: *arches eyebrows* Really?

M: Knowing his responsibility, he probably doesn't pay bills!

S: Of course I pay bills!

M: I think he's drunk every day!

S: Even if I were drunk, no one could tell. *crosses arms*

M: AND HE NEVER FINISHES HIS MANUSCRIPT ON TIME AND GETS ME IN TROUBLE!!! *sobs*

S: Why don't you go home? I'll get the manuscript to you later…

O: *watching her leave* Is what she says true?

S: Oh, no, she's just insane!

O: Okay, then…

Ritsu: *pops up* Um…am I interrupting anything important?

O: No, not really, miss…

S: Take your kimono off.

R: I'M SO SORRY!!! I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, PROMISE! I'M NOT WORTHY OF BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS YOU!

O: No, miss, please…you don't have to do what he says…go on home…

R: *runs off*

O: So…sexual harassment, huh?

S: No, that was a man!

O: uh…what?

S: Not just that, he was a monkey!

O: Do you think I'm stupid?

S: Oh, so I think, do I?

O: Don't play dumb! Wait…you don't need to…you are dumb…

S: Then how am I outsmarting you?

O: You're not outsmarting me!

S: Wow, I do it so well that you don't even realize that I'm outsmarting you!

O: You're under arrest.

S: Huh? Don't I get to call someone?

O: You get to do that at the jail.

S: But I need to call someone! I need to make sure someone takes care of Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru!

O: Very well…who you gonna call?

S: Ghost Busters!

O: That's not funny. Who are you calling?

S: I'm calling Haa-san!

O: The seahorse?

S: I don't know the number to his office since he routinely changes it, but I can call his cell!

O: How does a seahorse have a phone?

S: He does! Let me call?

O: Urgh…sure, call.

S: *dials number. Waits for answer* HAA-SAN! I'M BEING ARRESTED!

Hatori: Don't yell; I'm right behind you.

S: Haa-san! *goes to glomp*

H: *steps aside* sit.

S: *crashes through wall* NO!!! MY HOUSE IS BROKEN AGAIN!!!!!!!!

O: A-again?

H: It happens a lot.

O: *to Shigure* If this is the so-called seahorse, I must say, he looks nothing like one.

H: What have you told him, Shigure?

S: Nothing important!

Kyo: *sees officer as he walks through door. Leaves* 'Bout time someone put that lecher away…

O: Who was that?

S: That's my cat!

O: What the-that's your cat?!

H: I didn't know you were so attached to Kyo…*smirks* would you look at that…the dog and the cat…

S: That rhymed…AND I'M NOT GAY!

H: Try telling Aya.

O: Are you bi?

S: Well, that's a personal question! …I didn't know the force had gay guys…

O: You have the right to remain silent…

S: But not the ability!

O: *sweatdrops* I don't doubt that…anything you say can and will be…what are you doing here?

K: *sipping soda* I ain't leaving; I've wanted to see this forever!

O: *Sweatdrops again* Okay…as I was saying…

Ayame: Where is my beautiful (but not as beautiful as I) little brother who has nearly as much charm as me?!

S: Oh, Aya, I'm being arrested and Haa-san isn't doing anything!

H: *Emerges from kitchen with soda. Sits by Kyo* I've had to put up with you forever. This is a relief.

O: Umm…who is this?

S: The love of my life!

O: I thought you said you weren't gay.

S: *pauses*…of course I'm not! But what's it to you?

O: Shut up…

A: Oh, 'Gure-san, you cannot leave me like this! I will hate you forever! You promised we'd be together always!

K: You really grew up with those two loons?

H: Remarkable, how their idiocy didn't rub off on me.

S: Haa-san, how could you?

A: 'Gure-san! You didn't! Not Haa-san!

S: No, no, Haa-san is the straight one, remember?!

O: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GAY?!

S: *Pauses* Of course I'm not! How dare you accuse me of that!

Yuki: *walks in w/Tohru* Oh, shi--*notices Tohru*--crap.

Tohru: O-oh! I didn't know we were having company! I should've brought jelly buns! I'll go make tea…

S: Why didn't you three come home together?

K: *sighs* I will not walk home with that damn rat!

S: But sweet Tohru was with him!

O: You said Tohru was a riceball!

Y: Are you blind? She's a girl.

O: And you! You're supposed to be a rat!!!!

K&Y: *eyes meet. Glare at Shigure* Shigure…

S: Hello!

Y: You told him about us, didn't you? *Looks at Ha'ri* What's going on, Hatori?

H: I'm not sure; all I know is that Shigure is getting arrested.

K: And that's a very good thing.

S: How can you say that after I put a roof over your head and paid the bills-

O: Your editor claims that you don't.

H: She's right; he freeloads off of the family, who do pay the bills.

O: Okay…I just came to learn about a tent!

T: *Comes into the room* You found my tent?

O: Your tent, miss?

T: Yeah! You see, after Mom died-

S: The point is, it's her tent, not mine. You can leave now.

O: Wha-

S: Her tent. Go.

H: Shigure, be quiet.

O: Miss, I believe you live here? What's your name?

T: Uh…I'm Tohru Honda…

O: Are you aware that living with an older man not related to you is illegal?

T: What?!

S: I have all the paperwork!

O: Let's see it, then.

S: Haa-san has it.

H: Shigure can't be trusted not to lose things like that, so all his important documents go to me.

K: Just arrest him already!

O: Well-

A: Oh, 'Gure-san! I cannot let him take you away from me! I promise, I will keep you out of there!

S: Oh, Aya! You are my one and only-

H: Oh, shut up. Go make out where I can't see you.

O: …Who do I arrest?

H: I will pay you to arrest both of them.

S: Haa-san, wha-

H: This doesn't concern you.

O: I cannot take bribes…and these two seem unstable…

H: I'm a doctor; they, while being quite eccentric and (in my view), insane, are actually quite stable. Now, do I have to erase your memories, or will you arrest them?

O: Erase my memories?

Akito: *shows up out of nowhere and points to Ha'ri* YOU FORGOT MY APPOINTMENT!

H: You're supposed to be in bed! You have the flu, remember?

K: *Screeches and grabs Tohru's arm* I'm outta here!

Y: *squeaks and grabs Tohru's arm* I agree with him (for once!) *find door is locked*

S: Kyo, please don't break my house again…

T: It's…nice to see you again, Akito.

Ak: *ignoring cop* I see Shigure's being arrested…

Everyone but Aya, officer, and Tohru: 'Bout time, too.

S: You're all so cruel!

Y: You said it, too, you know.

S: *completely ignoring Yuki* A cruel world, filled with dog haters!

O: What do dogs have to do with anything?!

E: *stares at officer for a few seconds* YOU DIDN'T TELL!!!

S: See? I can keep secrets!

Ay: I'm so proud of you!! *glomps Shigure*

S: Don't I deserve a kiss?

O: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GAY!!!!!!!!!!

S: What evidence do you have to prove that I'm gay?!

O: You're hugging a man…and you're asking him for a kiss.

S: *looks at Aya carefully* Aya looks enough like a woman!

Ay: Why, that's the greatest compliment you've ever given me!

O: I'm not sure what's down below…nor do I want to know.

Ay: Wanna see?

E but T & S: NO! *Smack*

S: Of course!

O: What is wrong with you people?!

Ak: I just came to see where my doctor went…

H: you are supposed to be sick in bed with a 105 degree temperature.

T: Oh no! 105 degrees?! I'll lay out a bed for you!

Y: He's not staying!

O: And who are you exactly?

S: This is my little brother!

Y, T, and K: …WHAT?!

K: This actually explains a lot of things…

Y *thinking* I'm living with his brother… I'm living with his brother… I'm living with his brother… I'm living with his brother… I'm living with his brother…*look of horror on face*

T: Oh, I didn't know you had a brother!

S: No one really ever asked…

H: …Was I the only one who actually knew this?

O: What kind of family are you guys?

Ak: Trust me, you're better off not knowing.

Ay: …I HAVE A LITTLE BROTHER! *glomps Yuki around the neck* THIS IS HIM!!!!!!!!

Y: Someone get this bastard off me…

H: Ayame, let go; you're going to kill him.

Ay: Oh, I'm sorry! *lets go* What can I do to make it up to you, Haa-san?

H: Make it up to Yuki, not me.

S: …Aya, that's your brother! He's a minor!

Ay: I wasn't taking him to a bar or anything…though that is a good idea…

S: There are other ways of doing it than getting him drunk…

T: Other ways of what?

Y: I'm not exactly sure, but I am sure I don't want to know.

S: Seducing you!

Y, K, & T: …

T: What's that mean?

K: You sick bastard! Get your faggish minds outta here!

Y: Will you please just arrest my brother? Shigure's done nothing wrong…wait, scratch that…he actually has, but nothing to get arrested for…

T: WHAT?!

K: Why not arrest both?

Y: *Grabs collar* If he takes Shigure away, we have to live at the Sohma estate!

K: I don't care!

Y: Miss Honda can't live with us if we do.

K: Why bring Tohru into this?!

Y: I should hang you from the roof.

K: I'LL KILL YOU! *goes to punch Yuki*

Y: You just threatened to kill me in front of an officer, you stupid cat!

Ak: *watches Yuki kick Kyo's head, sending him into garden* Yuki…perhaps I should take time to reeducate you…

Y: *stiffens* …will there be a whip involved, by any chance?

Ak: How did you guess?

T: A whip?! No! That would hurt!

O: What's going on?!

Y: That man is insane! He beats me!

Ak: …

O: Is this true?

Ak: *smiles like a maniac* I'm not insane; I just have an incurable illness.

O: You're terminal? With what?

H: He has a variety of diseases, including bubble-boy syndrome.

O: And that is…

H: An incurable disease.

O: Yes, but what are the symptoms?

H: He gets sick and dies.

T: Oh no! I didn't know that!

Ak: *stares at Tohru* Stupid girl…

Y: Don't call Miss Honda stupid!

O: I'm getting very confused here…I just came for a tent! A TENT! A TENT, I TELL YOU!

S: I'M INNOCENT! INNOCENT, I SAY!

H: You're an idiot is what you are.

Ay: BUT HE'S MY IDIOT! *proud stance*

H: Only you could be proud of that, Ayame.

Ay: Why wouldn't I be proud of my little 'Gure-san?

S: *grins and hugs Aya* Aww…that's so sweet!

H: Why don't you get married already…?

Ay: Why indeed! I have that wedding dress…

H: I wasn't serious!

S: But I think it's a great idea!

O: Please don't propose in front of me! I'll be sick for weeks!

K: They're not gay…

Y: I'm not so sure about my brother…

S: *kneels on one knee. Takes Aya's hand* Will you marry me?

Ak: I wish you the best of happiness…not.

S: What do you mean?

Ak: I forbid this marriage.

S: But I'm the older brother! I get to make the decisions! *Turns back to Aya* So…will you?

Ay: Er…is this legal?

S: Yup! I checked!

O: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S: I'M NOT! I'M BI!

O: Why didn't you tell me when I asked you that?!

S: *ignoring officer* So…what do you say?

Ay: I-

H: I forbid this marriage.

Ay: Haa-san's jealous! Haa-san's jealous! Haa-san's jealous! Haa-san's jealous! Haa-san's jealous!

S: Answer, please! The suspense is killing me!

T: Oh, this is so exciting!

K & Y: *Looking nauseous.* Er…

A: Of course I'll marry you!

O: I FORBID THIS MARRIAGE!

S: But you're not in the family!

O: I declare myself a Sohma!

E: *stares*

S: Sorry…all the spots are taken…

Ay: What year were you born in?

O: Er…I was born in…

Ay: No, what's your zodiac sign?

O: Capricorn?

Ay: No, no, the Chinese!

O: Ox…

Ay: Nope! Spot's taken!

O: What does the zodiac have to do with anything?!

Haru: *appears out of nowhere* What's going on?

O: How'd you get here?!

Hk: Well…I set out five days ago with the intention of finding the library, but somehow I became sidetracked and found myself in a tree, unable to remember how I got there.

O: You say that like it's no big deal…

Hk: What's going on, anyway?

O: Well…I'm arresting him *points to Kyo* for threats, him *points to Yuki* for assault, him, *Points to Akito* for child abuse, him, *points to Hatori* For medical practices without a license-

Hs: I have a license.

O: Her, *points to Tohru* for living with three men, and those two *points to a hugging Shigure and Ayame* because…because…

Hk: Because why?

O: Because they're driving me mad!

Hk: What do I get to be arrested for?

O: 0o; Er…you aren't being arrested…

Hk: You'll need more than your one car to drive all of them to the station…

O: They can ride in the trunk.

Hs: That's not ethical….

O: I don't give a shit!

Hk: *completely ignoring officer. Goes to Yuki* Yuki, what's up with the assault charge?

Y: I have no idea. I knocked Kyo through the wall at least 50 times…

K: How come you're admitting this in front of the officer!?

Y: I honestly forgot you were here, you stupid cat.

K: Alright! Let's fight!

Ay: That rhymed!

S: Yeah, it did!

O: Oh, god, help me…

Ak: I believe I'll take my leave.

S: That rhymed, too!

Hs: …How old are you?

S: I'm 27!

Ay: I'm 28!

T: I'm 16!

K: *stares at Tohru* Uhh…I'm 16, too.

Y: I'm 17.

H: 0o;

Ak: I'm 17, as well.

Hk: I'm 15.

O: Er…what does it matter?

Hs: That's what I'm trying to find out…

S: But you're the one who asked!

-------A/n-------

Rein: This is what my pal, Ashi-Kun, and I collaborated on! We had so much fun!! Yes, there will be a second chapter, but you have to wait for it!

Ashi: That's assuming that you remember to call me over so we can continue.

Rein: WE DON'T OWN FRUITS BASKET IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!!!!!!!