Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Only In My Dreams ❯ Hiro ( Chapter 2 )

Summary: Each Sohma realizes how he really feels about Honda Tohru.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket, nor do I own any of its characters, even though I'm borrowing them for a bit. I own the thought behind this story, and that's all. So please don't sue me, Natsuki Takaya. Just understand that I love your stories so much and the wait for them to be translated to English is killing me, so I have to write and read fanfiction so as I don't go postal.

CHAPTER 2: HIRO

 

“Hiro.” That's all she said before she walked away.

 

She looked at me like she was disappointed. And sad. I can't stand it when she looks at me that way.

 

I want to be the one - the one to make her smile. I want her to be proud of me - to be proud to stand by my side. But there's no way she could ever feel that way about me. I'm just not good enough. I'm smarter than anyone I know, but somehow I can never be smart enough to make myself better.

 

I sit and stare out the window until it's time to go to bed. I don't even bother when my mother calls me for dinner. I'm just not hungry. My mom at least knows better than to try to argue with me about it. If I don't want to do something, she just leaves me alone.

 

Why can't I be better?

 

**********************with that thought, he falls asleep***********************

 

“Do you want to see who you really are?”

 

I hear the voice, and I recognize it. But I look around and all I see is darkness.

 

“Where am I?” I answer quite sharply.

 

“No. That will never do. You really do need to answer my question first. That's only polite,” she responds. It sounds like she's laughing at me.

 

“What, you think just because you asked me a question I have to answer it?” I start with my usual tirade of questions. She's so dumb, I can just make her stand on her ear with one or two questions, and the next thing you know she'll apologize to me like the dumb girl she is and tell me whatever I want to know. “I don't owe you anything. Do you think the whole world revolves around you? What makes you so special-”

 

“HIRO!”

 

I can't believe she actually yelled at me.

 

“I said that that will never do.” She actually sounds strict. Now I really don't understand where I am. “The question to be answered is: do you want to see who you really are? Well. Do you?”

 

Okay. She's officially freaking me out. “I don't understand the question.”

 

“It's not difficult.” She sounds like she's smiling again. “Do you want to see who you really are?”

 

“You mean - like see the spirit of the goat in me? Or see whether I'm the goat or the goat is separate from me?”

 

“Oh, Hiro.” She lets out a little laugh. “You DO tend to make things more complicated than they need to be, don't you?” She sighs. “You always are telling Kisa how simple I am, so take the question as a simple one, please. Do you want to see who YOU really are? Do you want to know yourself? To know who you REALLY are?”

 

I don't say anything. How do I answer that? Do I really want to know? Do I really want to see all my faults. I already know what they are. And besides, other people have faults, too. Wait a second. How could this dumb chick show me who I really am, anyway?

 

“I can show you because I am who I am. But you have to answer the question `Yes' or `No' for yourself. You have to choose. You claim to be wise, but the basis of wisdom is to first `Know thyself.' So you get to choose how wise you want to be. And, of course, if you really do want to be better like you think you do, the only way to know how to do that is to truly know your own shortcomings so you can overcome them.” She sounds like she's enjoying putting me on the spot.

 

“So do you want to see who you really are, or not?”

 

“Y- y-….yes.” I stammer. Do I really want to know this?

 

I feel arms come around me from behind, as she moves to hug me. Her breath whispers in my ear, “I thought you might.”

 

I'm expecting to transform into that stupid baby sheep form. I hate that we're cursed. Not because I mind that other people can't hug me. The only one I really want to hug is Kisa anyway. But it bothers her so much. And her mom is so weird with her. I know she'd be so much happier if she was normal. And I don't like people thinking of me as a stupid baby sheep.

 

But the poof never happens. Her arms go around me and hold me tight. I can't turn to see her, but I can feel her breath in my ear when she talks. What is it that she has in mind here?

 

The black darkness that was surrounding me fades into a shadowy light. I can feel her arms around me, still. But when I look down, I don't see anything.

 

“You've been wondering, and now you'll see,” she says from I don't know where.

 

I look up and I see me, kneeling in front of Akito.

 

“Hiro. How unusual for you to request a visit with me. What brings you here?”

 

“Thank you for allowing me to visit. I just thought you should know… um… I really like Kisa a whole lot.”

 

“Why are you showing me this? We already know what happens here. I should have never told him. I just made things worse for her-”

 

“Do you think that would have been better?” she asks, and I see my mouth moving, but the sound is all weird.

 

“Tol elohw a Asik ekil yllaer… mm…”

Everything seems frozen and then I hear myself say, “um… I'm really glad you've allowed me to study at my school, and I wanted to know if you think I should plan to become an architect?”

 

“What?! I never said that.”

 

“Just watch. Sheesh. You're so impatient.”

 

I look and I see that I'm actually looking at my knees and blushing like mad. Even *I* can tell that's not what I really wanted to say - but maybe that's because it's me and I know me better, because Akito seems to buy it. I mean, I have been thinking that might be a cool career, but why the heck would I ask Akito about it?

 

“An architect. Well, Hiro, you do have the intelligence for it. I am pleased that you've come to me for advice. I will consider this, and I will let you know my decision. You may leave me now.”

 

I see myself walk out of the room. It's really weird. I don't walk after me to follow, but what I see follows - like I'm floating behind this alternate me. I pass Kisa in the hallway. She smiles at me and says hello, but this me is so embarrassed that I didn't follow through on my plan that I just grunt a quick hi and pass her by without even looking her in the eye.

 

I understand how this me would feel. I didn't even have enough courage to do what I came there to do. How can I possibly expect to be worthy of her?

 

I float behind myself and time sort of speeds up. The next thing I know, I'm kneeling in front of Akito again.

 

“I've given your request a great deal of consideration. I believe it would benefit the family greatly to have someone of your intelligence as an architect. Therefore, I have arranged for you to be transferred to a private, all-boys school where you will be among other gifted children and you can focus on honing your intelligence more efficiently.

 

“I am glad you came to me, Hiro. I wish the others would be more forthcoming as you've been. I will miss seeing you, but you will be flown back in for the Year's banquet each year, and I will greatly look forward to seeing how far you've advanced then.”

 

“Um. Akito-san. I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean by `flown back'.”

 

“Ah, yes. Perhaps I neglected to mention that this school is in London. Your parents will, of course go with you to London. I am quite certain you will enjoy this new chance to grow. Well. You will have a lot of packing to do, so you may leave me now.”

 

I watch, dumbfounded, as this other me, also dumbfounded stands up and walks out of Akito's rooms. He's too much in shock to do anything. Again he passes Kisa in a hallway. She smiles at him and says shyly, “Hello, Hiro,” with such an adorable smile on her face that my heart gets warm from it. But this other me. He looks up at her startled and says, “I gotta go.” And then he runs away from her.

 

I follow and he sits, staring out this same window that I was staring out before she came and asked me if I wanted to see who I really am. I still don't know what that means by the way. And now, I'm going to be moving away from her. Man, this is even worse than not telling him. Well maybe not. Because Kisa got hurt when I told him. Why couldn't I have told him and he could have just taken it out on me instead of her?

 

“Oh. Do you think that would have been better?”

 

******************

 

“Og attog I.” “Orih olleh.” “Won em eveal uoy os, od ot gnikcap fo tol a evah lliw uoy. Llew. Worg ot ecnahc wen siht yojne lliw uoy niatrec etiuq ma I. Nodnol ot uoy htiw og esruoc fo, lliw stnerap rouy. Nodnol ni si loohcs siht that noitnem ot detcelgen I spahrep. Sey, ha.” “`Kcab nwolf' yb name uoy tahw dnatsrednu t'nod I diarfa M'i. Nas-otika. Mu.” … “tcetihcra na emoceb ot nalp dluohs I kniht uoy fi wonk ot detnaw I dna, loohcs ym ta yduts o tem dewolla ev'uoy dalg yllaer M'i… Mu… wonk dluohs uoy thguoht tsuj I. Tisiv o tem gniwolla rof uoy knaht.” “Ereh uoy sgnirb tahw. Em htiw tisiv a tseuqer ot uoy rof lausunu who. Orih.”

 

Okay. That hurt my head. But now I see myself kneeling in front of Akito again.

 

“Hiro. How unusual for you to request a visit with me. What brings you here?”

 

“Thank you for allowing me to visit. I just thought you should know… um… I really like Kisa a whole lot.”

 

“I see.” I see Akito look down at the table, between where his hands are pressed against it. Uh-oh. “And WHAT did you expect me to DO? Give you a BLESSING?!” He's ranting now, and pounding the table so hard, I hear it start to crack.

 

“You're not a man. You're not even a boy, you're just a worthless sheep!” The table breaks from his pounding. He picks up a fragment and starts to beat this other me with it.

 

“Do you really think that a sheep and a tiger belong together?”

WHAP!

 

“You're FOOD!”

BAM!

 

“A SACRIFICE!”

WHALLOP!

 

“...Yes. Yes! A sacrifice” He's stopped hitting me, but now he's walking toward his closet, obviously in thought.

“Why should it be me? It should be the lamb. A LAMB IS A BETTER SACRIFICE!”

He comes back with a dagger.

 

I'm so shocked, I don't even realize that she's holding me tighter. I feel her tears on my shoulder as she says, “It's okay. You're okay.” Why is she so upset? I'm okay. Of course I'm okay.

 

I really don't feel anything as I watch Akito take the dagger in one hand, pull my head back by the hair and slit my throat. It's like I'm encased in cotton. His eyes glint madly. He laughs and I hear him repeat, “A sacrifice. Made out of love. Shall set us free!” He keeps saying it as I watch my body fall to the ground in the middle of that red pool. My eyes are still open.

 

Hatori comes in and drops his bag in shock. He pushes Akito back and off of me. I notice Shigure has come into the room as well and picked up the dagger so that Akito no longer has a weapon. Shigure actually looks sad. I've never seen that before. Hatori is trying to save me. It's almost absurd. It's like he's trying to make my head reattach itself by force of will. Even I know it's too late.

 

She's holding me very tightly, and stroking my hair.

 

The world goes dim for a second and then we're in the main hall. I can see my casket at the front of the room. I hear the relatives murmuring. They always did love gossip. But I'm surprised by some of it. Akito's been sedated. Hatori and Shigure are claiming that he's no longer capable of rational thought. Hatori is keeping him well-drugged and I hear someone state that he's now, ironically being kept in the same room that he used to hold Yuki prisoner in.

 

Well. If it will save Kisa from ever hurting again, I don't mind dying so much. I just wish I could be with her. Maybe she'll let me watch over her. That'd be good.

 

She walks in the room. And up to the casket. There is no emotion on her face at all. She looks… gray. She looks into the casket. But she doesn't shed a tear at all. Doesn't she care at all about me?

 

Just before she walks away, she drops a single white rose onto my chest, and whispers, “Soon.”

 

She walks out of the hall, without looking back.

 

I hear one of the old ladies saying, “Well that's just cold. He died because of her you know.”

 

“Yes. I heard that boy slit his own throat when Akito told him that he was not to see her anymore. Poor Akito. He had no idea the little lamb would take it that far.”

 

“It just sent the poor master over the edge. Made him crazy.”

 

You've got to be kidding me! Not only do they think that *I* killed myself, they're SORRY for AKITO?! Oh, my god. Kisa!

 

I run out the way Kisa left. What could she be thinking? She's always kept herself bottled up. And she looked so… dead earlier.

 

I catch up with her, but She whispers, “She won't hear you, Hiro. I'm sorry.”

 

“What do you mean you're sorry? Kisa! Kisa! You have to hear me! It's not your fault. None of this is your fault! Kisa! You've got to listen to me!”

 

She walks into her room and sits at her desk. She pulls out the stationery that I'd given her for her last birthday. I reach out and try to touch her. I scream her name over and over.

 

She writes. “Hiro. I loved you, too. I know he killed you. Grandpa Shigure saw how upset I was when they told me you were gone. I'd heard that you'd killed yourself, and I was so mad at you, so he told me the truth. He said it's always better to know the truth about those you truly love.

 

“I wish you'd told me that you loved me, instead of him. I wish he'd attacked me instead of you. I know I'm the reason you're gone. I miss you so much, and it's all my fault.”

 

“Kisa, don't you think that! Don't you know I'd die 1000 times to keep you safe? I'll never leave you. KISA!”

 

“So now. Maybe we can be together and we won't have to worry about Akito or anyone else.”

 

“Oh, god, Kisa. No.” I feel all the blood run out of me. “No, no, no.”

 

I try so hard to knock the knife out of her hands. I try, but my hands pass right through it, because I'm not really there.

 

I watch her walk to her bed, lie down on it. I watch her take the knife and slice each forearm.

 

“I was right. This doesn't hurt at all. I'll be with you soon, my hero.”

 

“No, no. no, no, no.” I stare as the life drains out of her, and I fall to my knees. But my vision has become blurry. Like I'm looking through a smeary window. And then the world turns black again.

 

“God. Oh, God. This isn't right. It didn't happen this way. It didn't, right?”

 

“No, Hiro. It didn't happen this way. But do you see now that it wouldn't have been better if `he'd' attacked you? Not telling how you felt was worse. Having Akito attack you was worse.”

 

“She IS okay, right?”

 

“She's just fine. She's as she was when she left you alone this afternoon. Before you skipped dinner and went to bed. She's safe at home, asleep. Now do you understand?”

 

“Thank God! But you. Dumb girl. How is this showing me “who I really am?” What are you showing me this for anyway?”

 

“Oh, Hiro. You still don't understand? I thought I was supposed to be the slow one here.” I can hear the laughter in her voice, even though she still sounds sad, and she still has her arms around me. Hugging me.

 

“Let's try this, then,” she whispers in my ear.

 

The world lightens and we're in Shigure's house. There's a girl in her early teens with blond hair and beautiful eyes sitting on the couch. She's so beautiful. She looks like -

“Kisa!”

 

“Yes. In about 6 years.”

A teenage boy with sandy brown hair walks in to the living room and says, “Scoot over, willya? Why ya always gotta take up the whole couch? Sheesh!”

 

He blushes, as he sits very close to her, and looks away.

 

“I'm sorry, Hiro,” she says and scoots away from him, looking sad. I look at myself and think, what an idiot! I know I don't want her to move away from me. I just didn't want her to think that I was sitting close to her because I wanted to. In case she didn't want me to.

 

The front door comes open, and Tohru comes in, saying, “I'm home from work!”

 

“Sissy!” Kisa bounds up and runs to help Tohru, who has several bags from the market. If we're six years older, that would make that Tohru chick 22, right? Man. She looks great. It's like she seems more put together. Like she feels more sure of herself. Of course, she doesn't look as good as Kisa, but let's face it. Kisa is the most beautiful girl in the entire world. And if a few years help that idiot to look this good, in six more years, Kisa is going to be… I don't even think I can think about that right now.

 

I hear Her chuckle in my ear.

 

“Shut up.” I mutter.

 

“It's about time you got back. What did you do? Crawl all the way home? And you call yourself an adult. Leaving two teenage kids unsupervised in a home, where they could do anything they wanted? We could've…” I saw myself start to blush and then cover it up by acting more angry. “And what were we supposed to think had happened to you? Not that I'd care, but Kisa could've been worried. Do you ever think? I thought grown-ups were supposed to know about things like this.”

 

“I'm sorry. I'm only a little late. I wanted to bring home some fresh fish for dinner.”

 

“You still could have called. Sheesh.”

 

“Hiro. Be nice. Sissy's letting us live with her here so we can be closer to school. She didn't have to do that. I mean, most newlyweds wouldn't want two teenage kids living in their house, but she talked her husband into letting us stay here so that we could have some freedom from the main house, too.”

 

“Yeah, right. Whatever. I'm going upstairs. You can hang out with this dumb chick all you want, but I'm not going to.”

 

I watch this older me stomp up the stairs looking like a sulky kid. Man, I hope I don't always look that dumb.

 

”I'm sorry, Sissy. Hiro just is so selfish. But I'm glad that you let us live here with you.”

 

“Don't worry about it Kisa. I know he means well.” They began moving about the kitchen, preparing dinner together. “He just has difficulty saying what he's thinking. He's really just worried about you, you know.”

 

“I don't know about that.”

 

“Kisa, I know that he'd do ANYTHING if he thought it would make you happy. Not that it's any of my business, of course. But I think he thinks the world of you.”

 

“Well. If he does, why doesn't he ever tell me? I don't think he likes me at all. I mean, I heard one of his friends ask him if he was going to take me to the end of the year dance. Sashi said that if Hiro wasn't going to ask me that he was thinking about asking me, but he didn't want Hiro to get mad at him for asking first if Hiro wanted to ask me. And Hiro said, `You want to ask KISA to the dance? Why would you want to ask her to the dance? Does she seem like the dancing type? Oh, I bet you think she's one of those dumb girls who gets all excited over a stupid dance and just gushes about dresses and flowers. Well, if you think she does, then you can ask her. I'm not going to. I wouldn't want to go to a stupid dance with a stupid girl who thought dancing was a fun way to spend the night anyway.' Then he saw me, and said, `Go on. Go with Sashi if you're going to go.' Then he muttered something under his breath and stomped away like he was mad at me. I don't know what I did, but I don't think he likes me any more.”

 

“Oh, I don't think that's true. So what did Sashi say?”

 

“He asked me to the dance.”

 

“And what did you say?”

 

“I told him no. He's very nice, but I really didn't want to go with him. So I thanked him for thinking of me, and told him that I had other plans.”

 

“Kisa, do you know why I wanted you and Hiro to live here?”

 

“Well, I know you're going to need help once the baby comes…”

 

“Yes, and I can't think of a better live-in babysitter than you. You're the sweetest girl I've ever met.” Kisa blushed and smiled. Why doesn't she ever look like that when *I* talk to her? “But you know, when I was your age, I was living here with Yuki, Kyo, and Shigure. And now, here I am, happily married. I know it may sound dumb. But I think this house is lucky. I think it brings together people who need to be together. I know back then, he NEVER would have had the words to tell me he loved me. But in time, living together, and with things happening like they didn, he got up the courage, and look at us now!” She continued to the rice maker and started making onigiri, humming as she said, “I was thinking you and Hiro might need a house like this to help the two of you.”

 

Kisa sat down at the counter, put her hands in her head, and started crying. Tohru instantly came over to comfort her.

 

“I'm sorry, Sissy. I really wish that this house was magic. But I don't think he'll ever feel that way about me. I know you think he already does. But I need him to tell me. At least once in a while. I don't think he'll ever do that.”

 

“You never know, Kisa, you never know.”

 

“I really don't think he will. That's why… That's why, when I graduate next month, I've decided I'm going to go to Kyoto to study. Akito has said that it's okay. And I need to put some distance between Hiro and me. In Kyoto, I can study at the shrine. Maybe I'll find some insight into how the curse was started. I know that it means that I'll be alone and never marry. But I think… I think I'd rather be alone when I feel alone than be not alone and yet still feel alone.”

 

“Kisa. Do you have to leave? I'd miss you so much!”

 

“Sissy. You know I love you. Just like I love Haru and Yuki and Kyo and Shigure and Hatori, and all the jyuunishi. But I'll be more help to everyone if I'm studying there. And my heart won't hurt so much every day. I'll come back for every New Year.” She wiped a tear from her eye and said, “I'm telling Hiro tonight. So I may not be in the mood to eat.”

 

I watched the two of them hug. Kisa put on her resolute face and started up the stairs to what used to be Yuki's room, but I'm guessing was now mine. She knocked on the door and I heard my older self say, “Yeah, what do you want?”

 

She grimaced and then forced her face smooth and asked if she could come in.

 

“Yeah, whatever.” God what an asshole! Dumbass, listen to her!

 

She walked in and sat on the bed and said, “Hiro, there's something I wanted to tell you.”

 

I see myself swallow hard and turn around. “So are you going to that stupid dance with Sashi?”

 

“No. I didn't accept his invitation. This is something else.” She swallowed hard.

 

“Well whatever it is, spit it out. It doesn't do you any good to just sit there. If you've got something to say, say it!”

 

“I - I - I just thought you should know that I'm moving out next month.”

 

The look of shock on my face is quickly replaced with anger. “Moving out?!”

 

“I'm - I'm going to Kyoto to study at the shrine there. I'm going to study to be a miko, and maybe learn about how the curse came to be in the first place.”

 

I turn away from her, so she can't see the fear on my face, because I know I'm losing her. “Well, that's just great! You're going to leave me here with that dumb girl. Well, I hope you're happy there! You know mikos live a life of solitude, right. Well I guess a girl like you doesn't care for anyone, so it's better if you're alone anyway, right.” I've turned back to her and I'm actually yelling at her. ”Well what are you waiting for? You've told me. You're leaving. It's great. Really great. It's perfect. So you can get out of my room now and just leave me alone!” I turn my back to her and pretend to get back to studying. Only *I* know that what I'm doing is covering my face so she doesn't see me crying.

 

“You DUMB ASS! Tell her! Tell her now! It's not to late. Say you're sorry and TELL HER!”

 

This older me sits there crying as she walks out of the room. The world blurs again and turns dark.

 

“So why are you showing me this. Okay. So I'm a dumb asshole! There. You've shown me who I really am. Are you happy now? Can I get back to my life? Again and again, you keep showing me that there's no way I could possibly make her happy, there's no possible way for us to be together. Can we be finished now?”

 

She hugs me tighter and says, “You've almost got it. Would you like to try this one again and change anything? Only you can decide what should change and what shouldn't here. If you could take one thing from this, and change it, what would it be?”

 

I stop and think about the scene that I've just seen.

 

“Sashi. I should trust Sashi and tell him the truth. Then he won't ask her. Then I can ask her. I WOULD want to take her to a dance.”

 

In a flash, we're at the school, and I see Sashi approach a teenage version of me. He asks me if I'd mind if he asks Kisa to the dance, and I hear myself say, “Sashi, don't be a jerk! You know I've been in love with Kisa for as long as I can remember living. I don't know if she feels the same way as me… I've never told her, because - she might not like me, too, and besides, I've told you before our family situation is pretty messed up. But I've already decided I'm going to take a chance and ask her. If I don't, some jackass like you might come along, and if I lose her, then there truly will be nothing good in my life at all! So don't make me have to kick your ass, okay?” I chuckle and give him a punch in the shoulder and he says, “Good. I was hoping you'd say that. I thought if I said I wanted to ask her that maybe you'd get off that dumb ass of yours and finally tell Kisa how you feel about her.”

 

“How you feel about me?” Kisa had walked into the room while they were talking.

 

“K-Kisa!” I stutter.

 

“I'll just leave you two alone.” Sashi said and walked out of the classroom with a grin from ear to ear.

 

“What was Sashi talking about?”

 

“Kisa. Um” I turn my back on her. If I have to look at her beautiful face, I'll just lose my nerve. “I - I'm sorry I've never been brave enough to say this to your face. I just. God. I hope you'll still…”

 

“Just say it, jackass!”

 

I turn to face her. “Kisa, you're the only - you're the most - Kisa.” I grab her and hug her to me, whispering into her ear, “I love you. I always have. I know I'll never be good enough for you - you deserve the most - better than - but I still love you, and I just had to tell you. Even if you don't love m-”

 

I watch her pull my face to hers and kiss me. She kisses that other me so fiercely that *I* can feel it.

 

“Hiro. You have always been… my only love.”

 

“Do you see now, who you are? You are the prince. The prince who saves the princess. The knight who gives his life to save her. If you can be fearless. You will be. Who you wish to be.”

 

*****************************

 

I wake up. The sun is shining. It's Sunday. I know where she will be. I grab an onigiri on the way out the door, yell to my mom that I'm going to Shigure's, then run at full tilt all the way there.

 

When I get there, Tohru greets me at the door. “Well, hello, Hiro! How nice to see you! Kisa just got here a few minutes ago. She's in the living room.”

 

I take a deep breath and say, “I'm only going to say this once, so don't think this will happen again. You took care of her, when I couldn't. So, thank you. But don't think this means that I don't think that you're smart or special or anything! It's not like it's hard to love her. But I guess you're not completely useless.” She smiles at me and squeezes my arm.

 

Then I square my shoulders and walk into the living room to talk to Kisa. I've got a lot of work to do to become her prince. But I think that Tohru-chick is actually rooting for me. She may be dumb, but I don't mind if she's right this once.