Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Selfish ❯ Pain ( Chapter 6 )

Pain

 

Chapter Six

 

"Be selfish...say what you want…once in a while."

"I want to stay together!"

"I've always loved the cat from the zodiac"

`If I'm gonna lose her anyway…I'll make it so bad, I'll hurt her so much…that it couldn't possibly hurt anymore!'

"You know…there's one on your back too. An Umboshi. I can see it.”

"That's lonely isn't it?”

 

He awoke with a start, the voices in his dreams haunting him. He attributed the end of the dream to the sudden appearance of Tohru in his life, unearthing his memories of Kyoko. Kyou hadn't thought about her in years, had attempted to block that part of his life from surfacing and he'd been successful until now. A small series of blurred images, he recognized his own voice in them but didn't understand their significance. Kyoko, she'd been the only clear image...a memory of her that he'd never been able to forget. Her voice still ringing in his head, as the past came out to reach him.

 

Still feeling startled, the neko sat up in bed and turned his alarm off. It was only an hour earlier than he usually woke up, but the dream had really disrupted him and he knew he wouldn't be falling asleep again. Kyou took a deep breath, trying to ease his troubled nerves as memories of Kyoko assaulted his mind. Feeling like the walls were closing in on him, trapped in a situation he had no control over and wished he could change, Kyou needed out.

 

It was still dark outside, but he grabbed some fresh sweats and padded into the bathroom to change. Quickly changing out of the clothing from the night before, Kyou threw his laundry into the hamper before grabbing his shoes from his closet and shoving his feet in them. 'Running a few miles should help,' he thought, lacing the sneakers tightly. 'I just need to clear my head. I can forget the past...I've done it before. This just might be until a room opens up someplace, then one of us can get out of here and I should be able to go on with my life.'

 

Grabbing his keys, Kyou locked the door behind him and quickly made his way downstairs. The early morning air crisp and cool against his skin, the campus was dark as he slowly started his jog across campus. Once warmed up, Kyou picked up his pace, the rhythm of his feet hitting the pavement the only noise disrupting the quiet surrounding him. The neko ran, needing to find the comfort of space from his room, away from Honda Tohru. Guilt flooding him, each step ricocheting through his body as his mind hummed 'must-forget-must-forget-must-forget' with each footfall.

 

Every touch on the pavement quicker than the last, Kyou soon found himself in a sprint, wanting to feel the pain in his chest as the burning in his lungs threatened to consume him. Hoping the pain would be punishment enough, would help him forget about his transgressions. That maybe this too, was just a dream that he'd wake from soon.

 

Unable to breathe, his gasped for air as he collapsed onto his knees in the grass grasping the blades in his fingers as his body revolted against him. His shoulders shook, finally reacting to the emotional stress as he broke down in sobs. The heat from the tears he didn't even attempt to wipe away, rocking on his knees in a fetal position.

 

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..." Kyou whispered; knowing absolution would never come. Not only would she never forgive him, he'd never be able to forgive himself. He'd earned his freedom, never to be locked in that prison he'd feared for so long only to find himself wishing he could go back and lose. 

 

He didn't deserve to live with others, he had nothing to give to the world in return for his existence. His life had no meaning, so why was he the one here? There had been a meaning to her life, Tohru had needed Kyoko...why couldn't he been the one killed that day? Why did he live?

 

A life for a life, he'd made the wrong choice and protected himself instead. 'Are you punishing me? Putting us together...after all this time. Are you trying to show me what I had destroyed? What happened to her once you went away? Why would you let this happen?'

 

"I don't understand!" Kyou screamed, ripping blades from the firm dirt beneath him as he screamed into the darkness of the morning. "Why would you let this happen? I crush everything! Why would you put her in a position to be destroyed?" 

 

"I've hurt that girl too much already," he whispered, staring at his hands in disgust as the tears slowly trailed down his cheeks. "I can't let anything happen to her again. I won't let anything happen to her again..."

 

Kyou wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, slowly getting to his feet. Emotionally drained, he'd come to a decision about what he needed to do. He'd make it through these few months, somehow he'd protect her from himself. In the end, he wanted to make sure she continued to smile. He owed her that much.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

Kyou wasn't home when Tohru woke up, instantly making her worry that he'd never returned the night before. Searching for any evidence to the contrary, Tohru's eyes landed on his desk to find the plate of food missing. Giving a relieved sigh, Tohru climbed out of her bed before straightening her comforter. "At least he got something to eat last night, mom," Tohru said cheerfully to the picture frame. "He sure got up early though. I don't think Sohma-san likes me much... I hope he isn't too uncomfortable living with me. I can always go sleep on Uo and Hana's floor if I need to. I'd hate to impose on them though." 

 

Sighing, Tohru headed to her closet to pull out her clothes for the day. She wasn't sure when Kyou would return, but she didn't think either of them would feel comfortable if she was changing when he came back. Quickly grabbing the first blouse and skirt she could find, she moved to rummage through the drawer she kept her undergarments in and took out the first set she got her hands on before heading for the restroom.

 

Locking the door behind her, Tohru turned the shower on before getting herself undressed and getting in. They'd been lucky to acquire a room with an attached bathroom, it would be much easier living with him this way if she wasn't forced to leave the room to get ready for the day. "If only I could get him to talk to me a little," she said to herself, rinsing the shampoo from her hair. "It would be lonely living with someone who doesn't like me...and won't talk with me."

 

Turning the water off, Tohru grabbed the towel and dried herself off before wrapping it around her hair. She listened as she got dressed, and from the slight noises outside the room, Tohru suspected Kyou had returned. Putting her worn towel in the hamper, Tohru grabbed a navy hair bow, a comb, a brush and her hair dryer incase he needed to use the shower as well.

 

Opening the door, her roommate sat on his bed staring out the window with his clothes for the day sitting on his lap. "I didn't mean to wake you when I left," he growled, never making eye contact with her as he spoke.

 

Surprised, Tohru shook her head fiercely not wanting him to think he'd bothered her at all. "No, no, no!" She replied, glad she'd brought her hair supplies out with her since he looked like he'd just returned from exercising. "I have always been an early riser. I didn't even hear you leave the room. I didn't mean to worry you, Sohma-san."

 

His entire body tensed, making Tohru tense in response thinking she'd upset him somehow. "Don't call me that! Freaks me out...,” he growled, still staring outside. "What's with the cat in that thing anyway?"

 

"Eh?" Tohru looked around, since he still stared out the window. "My Jyuunishi set?"

 

"Yes," he sighed, finally looking at her. She noticed the exhaustion in his eyes and wondered if he'd slept at all the night before. "There's no cat in it."

 

"M...Mom used to tell me the fable as a kid," she stuttered, blushing at the absurdity of the story. "I...I always wished the cat hadn't been left out, I wanted to be the year of the cat. I loved the cat...and it felt empty without it..." Tohru shrugged, looking at the floor, embarrassed. "I made it myself...because it's my favorite."

 

An uncomfortable silence followed the explanation; Tohru was just about to say something when Kyou got to his feet. "That's just stupid," he replied, heading for the bathroom.

 

"Sohma-san?"

 

"Kyou!" he yelled, slamming the door behind him.

 

"Um...K...Kyou-kun?"

 

Another lapse of silence followed, making Tohru think he hadn't heard her through the door. She opened her mouth to say something again, but Kyou interrupted her with an exasperated sigh. "What?" he growled, the sound slightly muffled through the wood.

 

"I...um...I thought I might go down to breakfast in a few minutes," Tohru answered, hoping he'd understand through the wall between them. "Would you like for me to wait for you, so we can eat together?"

 

"Whatever..."

 

The water cut off any response Tohru would have given made, obviously her cue that the conversation was finished. 'He confuses me,' Tohru thought, staring at the door for a few seconds. 'Maybe...it's just his personality...' Sighing, Tohru grabbed her comb and set out to dry her hair before Kyou finished taking his shower. She'd hate to have him waiting for her when she'd been the one to ask him to go.

 

Working quickly, Tohru was finishing tying the bow in her hair when Kyou stepped out of the bathroom. He looked surprised to see her still, but gave her a slight nod as he grabbed his shoes and put them on. Tohru couldn't help the grin that quickly covered her face as she noticed the sprinkling of a blush cover his cheeks. 'Maybe it's just a little harder for him...I can't imagine him being around people too often if he turns into a cat like that!'

 

"You coming?" he sighed, impatiently holding the door to their room open for her. 

 

"Oh!" she cried, grabbing her loafers and putting them on. She felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment, since she'd just been standing there watching him. "I'm so sorry! You're waiting for me and I am just standing here!"

 

"It's fine, stop apologizing!" he replied gruffly, looking away from her. 

 

Tohru quickly headed out the door, but found it hard to drag her eyes away from him as she tried to figure out if that was really a blush covering his face. Not paying attention, Tohru ran into something solid before starting to fall as a poof of smoke surrounded her.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

"To-ru!"

 

"You have got to be kidding me!" Kyou yelled, grabbing Tohru's arm as she started to fall to the floor. Dragging her back in the room with him, Kyou slammed the door after his two family members made it safely inside. "Where the hell did you come from and why did you drag the damned rat with you when he's not even awake yet?"

 

"Momiji-kun?"

 

"Morning To-ru!"

 

'She knows Momiji?' Kyou looked between the pair, both obviously excited to see each other. Identical grins covered their faces as Momiji held Yuki in his hands. The nezumi didn't look any more awake than he had a few moments ago, he'd never been an early riser. 'At least the rabbit went to get him first.'

 

"Um...Momiji-kun...why are you holding a mouse?"

 

Momiji grinned, holding the rat up for her to see. "You ran into Yuki!"

 

"Eh?" She screeched, quickly looking from Yuki to Kyou several times. "I turned him into a mouse? How?"

 

"I thought you knew," Momiji answered, looking at Tohru in confusion. "Yuki said that you turned Kyou into his zodiac animal last night and learned about the curse."

 

"Eh?" Tohru fell back onto her bed, in obvious surprise. "Zodiac? C...curse?"

 

"You idiot," Kyou yelled, hitting the rabbit over the head with a closed fist. "She just knew about me! Stop talking so much!"

 

"But Kyou!" Momiji whined, rubbing his head lightly. "I thought she knew! Yuki told me there was a mistake and that you were rooming with her and I had to make sure you weren't being perverted toward her."

 

'Perverted?' Kyou was speechless, since he'd never thought he'd exhibted signs of any sorts in that direction. He'd never had time to think about girls like that since he knew he'd probably be leaving in the near future. Until Tohru, he hadn't even found himself physically attracted to anyone. 'That's probably just `cause I know I can be with someone now, but still...Tohru's off limits. Who'd want someone who's hiding such a monster inside of him, anyway.'

 

"Momiji-kun...what are you talking about?" Tohru asked, her eyes moving around the room from Momiji to Kyou and back again. "Are they under a curse? Is that why they change into--" Tohru's eyes widened briefly before she quickly whipped around and covered her eyes. Yuki had transformed back in a puff of smoke. "I am so sorry! I didn't see a thing! I swear!"

 

"No, I'm sorry you had to see that, Tohru-kun," Yuki replied, his voice still strained and tired. "Several members of the Sohma family have the vengeful spirits of one of the zodiac animals reside within us, when embraced by someone of the opposite sex it causes us to transform into them. It also happens if we are sick or stressed, so you can see how this might cause some problems."

 

Momiji walked over to her desk, pulling a few of the zodiac ornaments from the set and placed them away from the rest. "Obviously Yuki is the rat, Kyou is the cat, but I am the rabbit!"

 

"Why are you telling her all of this?" Kyou growled, stomping over to Momiji and grabbing the ornaments from the usagi before putting them back where they had been moments before. "Hatori will just erase her memories, he always does!"

 

"Not if we don't tell him she knows!" Momiji cried, grabbing Kyou around the waist and hugging him tightly. "Wouldn't it be nice? No one has ever known before! It can be our little secret!"

 

Shoving against his cousin in an attempt to dislodge him, Kyou had a bad feeling about all of this. "It would just make Akito angry," he growled, finally successful in releasing Momiji's grasp on him. "He'll take it out on her. I'd rather just--"

 

"I really don't want to lose my memories," Tohru said quietly, picking at a loose thread on her bedspread. "But if that's what you are supposed to do...then maybe you should do that. I don't want to bring problems to anyone. I just...what would I do? Where would I go?"

 

Kyou sighed, feeling both pairs of his cousins' eyes on him waiting for an answer. Tohru didn't say a word more, just folded her hands on her lap and stared at them unmoving. Irritation swelled within him causing his shoulders to tense uncomfortably, something about seeing her upset... physically bothered him. "Why do I have to be the one to decide?" he growled, confused and angry at his reaction toward the girl. It wasn't like him to be so affected by anyone...especially a girl.

 

He tended to stay far away from them.

 

"Because," Yuki said coldly, his arms crossed across his chest as he glared at Kyou. "She's your roommate, Baka Neko."

 

"Not like I asked for it!" Kyou yelled, taking a step toward Yuki. It was the last thing he'd expected, he would have rather roomed with forty giggly girls that drove him to want to leap off the roof of the dorm than be stuck in a room with Tohru. "Anywhere would be better than this!"

 

Kyou's throat closed up in shock, his chest clenched painfully as his legs buckled beneath him. Falling to his knees, he tried to catch his breath so he could take back the painful words. Tohru's gasp ripped through his heart at the same time Yuki's foot connected with his chin. Kyou hit the wall hard, hitting the back of his head first before landing on the floor in a defeated heap.

 

"I'd love to room with Tohru!" Momiji chimed in, sitting next to the girl on the bed and taking her hand. "She's one of the nicest people I have ever met. You should be happy to be with her Kyou, you're lucky! "

 

Tohru's lip quivered, looking like she was trying her hardest not to cry—which just made Kyou feel guiltier. He didn't know why he'd said it, it's not how he really felt, but it's not like he could say `Living with you is a painful reminder of why I think I should be dead.'

 

“Momiji, if you don't leave for school now, you'll be late,” Yuki commented. The entire time he spoke to the rabbit, Yuki never took his eyes from Kyou's. Kyou averted his eyes at the ferocious glare; he got the nezumi's message immediately. Kyou hadn't needed it though. The instant the words left his mouth, his body had given him the message louder than any kick Yuki could have ever given out.

 

He'd fucked up, bad.

 

“Oh! You can't miss school!” Tohru leapt to her feet, pulling Momiji with her. “Graduating from high school is so important, Momiji-kun! You'd better hurry!”

 

“We can walk him downstairs, Tohru,” Yuki replied. “I assume you haven't eaten breakfast yet, have you?”

 

“No!” she replied, shaking her head quickly. “Kyou-kun and I were going down when you arrived, did you want to come with us?”

 

Kyou clenched his hands into fists, getting to his feet. A sharp pain in his chest making it difficult for him to breathe as he headed across the room toward the bath, he couldn't deal with anything right now. “Just…go with him. I'm not hungry,” he said, slamming the door behind him.

 

Kyou collapsed on the tile floor of the bathroom, dropping his head in his hands as he willed his heart to stop. `It was the same as before, that feeling. Why is it so different when she says my name?'

 

He sat there, listening to the murmuring on the other side of the doorway as he waited for them to leave. He really did just want to be alone right now; he didn't know what was happening to him or why his emotions were so out of whack. “Kyou-kun?”

 

`Maybe I should have stayed with Sohma-san; the creepy chills I got in my spine were a hell of a lot easier to deal with.'

 

“Kyou-kun?” Tohru knocked on the door this time, but he still wouldn't answer. He'd said enough mean things to her today, he'd probably make a bigger ass of himself if he opened his mouth—or worse since his insides twisted all weird when she said his name. “Are you sure you don't want to come? Or...I…I could try to bring you back something, if you like.”

Several moments of silence later, he heard a gentle sigh and a small pair of feet head out the door before closing it behind her. `I can't last…I'll never make it…I can't live with her like this!' Kyou waited on the floor for a few minutes, before slowly making his way to his feet and out of their room. Taking the stairs, Kyou quickly found his way to the roof of the dorm and seated himself at the highest spot he could find.

 

It was the oddest sensation, having your mind telling you to push her away for her own safety, but having every ounce of your soul screaming at you not to let her out of your sight. There were only two outcomes to this situation; he'd end up destroying her…or himself.

 

Kyou wouldn't allow it to be the first one.

 

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

 

I do not own Fruits Basket or the characters affiliated with the Manga and Anime. They are the property of Natsuki Takaya…I am just `borrowing' them for my own nefarious deeds. I own nothing, suing me won't help anyone.

(Quotes from Fruits Basket)

Sari-15