Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ To Be Alone ❯ Despair ( Chapter 1 )

To be Alone

By: Mika Blinks

Pairing: I guess you could say Hatori and Kana wait no...Err let's just make it a surprise ^^

Rating: R...Oh happy days

Warning: Angst, Self-Mutilation, a little touch of lemoness later on in the chapters, of course, that's if you review. Something a bit more wrong is also later in the chapters >.o.... This should be "interesting" >.>....You should like Review so you could find out what it is ^^....yeah that's like a brilliant idea >.>

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Fruits Basket or the characters nor do I have money. Please don't sue me!

Author's note: I would have never dreamed of making a Fruits Basket fanfic or even imagine it being my first one. I always felt like Kana was let off easy and my friends always reminding me of what happened to Hatori. So of course I just had to make a fanfic about it. Since I am writing this and no one can stop me >>.... time for some fun. I always wanted to make a fanfic that wasn't so happy-like with a girl falling in love with one of the chars and they end up living happily ever after.... No offence to my friends of course. I just want something a little different. In order to go through with this fanfic I had to research several self-mutilation and the behaviors of the patients. Although, I myself went through a small period of time that even I went through self-mutilation, I found it necessary to look up other people's reasons of doing such a thing and their methods. I was amazed at how common it was and one method caught my eye. It was perfect for where I was going in this fanfic. Well enough about that on with the fanfic. Oh right...R&R!! Umm please? Come one I'm begging here >.>...Not really...But still!

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"It would have been better if you and I have never met..."

Those words still haunt Hatori today. Every night he would have the same dream. The dream of that day he erased the memory of the one most precious to him. It had him waken to a heavy sweat and deep pant. He rubbed his temple trying to put the dream aside. He didn't want to get bothered by it again. It has been too long since the incident for him to still suffer from a simple dream of that fateful day. He let out a deep sigh knowing that he wouldn't be able to get any sleep after having that dream. He pushed the blankets off of him and sat up placing his bare feet on the cold floor, which made chills go up his spine. Too tired to find proper footwear he made his way to the bathroom, stumbling on his way as if he hadn't walked for days.

When he got to the bathroom he had to feel around for the light switch. He squinted his eyes as soon as the light came on not yet adjusted to it. Everything was a blur to him right now but he still managed to make his way to the sink where he used it as support to keep up his ready to collapse body. He gazed into the mirror, seeing the image of himself brought him disgust for some reason. His bangs have extremely over grown covering his left eye. The eye he no longer has sight from thanks to that day when his world turned upside down. It made him sick to his stomach knowing what he lost, what he suffered, and how easily she was able to go on with her life as if nothing happened. She even got married!

Unable to control the rising nausea in his stomach he began to throw up. His stomach contracted as if it was making sure everything in his stomach was gotten rid of. The whole thing made him rather sore but it also brought with it a small bit of relief. He had gotten vomit on his shirt and the smell was like fire to his nose but he didn't care. He had too much worries already to be thinking about something as small as that and the smell didn't really bother him. He had grown accustomed to it, he's been having these nightly visits to the bathroom for quite some time already and these nausea attacks he has are common.

He knew exactly why he went through all this; it was because of "her". She got to live a happy and good life while he had to suffer the full consequences that their "forbidden love" brought. The fact that Akito was right didn't help the matter much. Kana really was better off not remembering about them and that fact was hard for Hatori to accept. He should have been able to protect her, to protect...them. But it's too late for that now, Kana has already gone on with her life and there was no way of changing things back to the way it use to be.

The shine from a nearby razor blade caught his eye. He promised himself he would stop this but...this was his only way of being of control of the pain. He picked up the blade and gently dragged the blade over his body, taking in how it felt. When it felt right, he pushed it hard against his skin and slid it along. He cut again and again and again...the tension and anxiety eased. He felt some pain, but also a powerful almost erotic pleasure. It gave him a temporary relief from his worries about Kana and anything else he had on his mind. It was a pity the relief didn't last long though.... that was probably why he did it so much, so he would at least, for a moment, forget about any trouble he had prior to it. His thoughts has seized when the razor slipped out of his hand falling to the floor. He looked down at it then brought his eyes back to his arm. It was beautiful...the blood looked like streams flowing along his skin. It clashed with his pale fragile like skin.

He might have done more if he didn't hear a knock at the door. Who could it be at this time of the night? Hatori sighed making sure every part of his body was covered before he went to the door. Opening it there was a small girlish looking boy with bright blonde hair. It seemed Momiji came over for his regular visit but it was too late for that now and he came in the middle of what Hatori was doing. He opened his mouth to tell him to leave but before he could the boy invited himself in looking at Hatori with his giant smile "Hello! I came to keep you company Hatori-san!" There wasn't anything Hatori could do to change the boys mind so he didn't bother. He simply nodded; maybe it was a good thing the boy came over...it could have stopped him from doing something rather stupid.

The young boy's beautiful bright golden eyes were taunting Hatori; it showed him everything he didn't have, which was happiness. It made him remember of the happiness he could have had, once had even. All his happiness vanished at the very moment he lost Kana and the wound only deepened when she found her new lover. He had suffered much pain since that day, each wound burying itself deeper and deeper than the fir-`my wounds!'.... Hatori finally remembered his nightly visit to the bathroom and the slashes he was hiding with his long sleeve clothing. He became a little bit more nervous, he was afraid the blood would stain his clothing and the boy would notice. To his great relief the boy didn't pay much attention to him, he just merely cheerfully made his way to the man's couch without waiting for a response from him. The two stayed silent, it had Hatori a little uncomfortable but didn't seem to faze the boy at all.

Hatori sighed softly finding that he had to say something, anything to break the silence "Momiji, is there something you want? It's rather late to be barging into people's homes." The young boy's smile never left his cherubic cheeks, as he answered "You haven't been looking too well lately Hat-san, so I decided to stay over and make Hat-san happy." Hatori blinked at what the boy said, `so even Momiji noticed the difference in me...' this made Hatori feel worse for some reason. It didn't really shock him that much but.... he wanted to keep it to himself; he didn't want other people to know of his weakness and the pain he has been going through. He hoped that maybe he could just rid himself of it by himself or keep it as his own secret. He would feel so exposed if everyone knew how much he was suffering from his lost of Kana....

He starred at the boy for awhile finding the boys innocence and sweet consideration for him rather comforting, if he remembered correctly this was the first time a Sohma seem to notice his recent change; not even Ayame noticed or Tohru, but that was mostly because they have been going on with there lives, too busy to even visit lately. Feeling a little bit of respect for the small boy he forced a fake smile across his lips, this was a very uncommon site, he never smiled or at least faked a smile since the whole Kana incident "Isn't your father worried about you Momiji? It's rather late for you to be staying out." "I told papa that I would stay over at Hat- san's house tonight" The response wasn't really what Hatori expected, he was rather shocked by it actually but he shook it off. "Stay Over..." Hatori's voice was almost as a raspy and broken up. The boy simply nodded which only the man get more nauseated. He can't have the boy stay the night `what if he sees the cuts? What if he finds out about?' Hatori got dizzy from all the questions that were rushing in his head all at once.

He might of fainted if he didn't catch himself with a the handle of the couch. "Hat-san are you alright?" the boy was no longer smiling, instead they were full of concern, maybe a little bit of fear as well. Momiji knew very well that Hatori was hiding something, which was mainly the reason he planned this surprise `sleep over'. He became very afraid of what was becoming of his well-respected friend. "Are you alright Hat-san?" "Yes, I'm fine Momiji. I'm just a little tired." Momiji simply nodded then rose to his feet making himself smile again. "So where will I be sleeping Hat-san?" Hatori starred at the boy trying to find the answer. He never had anyone stay over before, so he didn't really have anywhere for the young boy to sleep. He would have suggested the boy to sleep on his bed and him on the couch but he feared the boy would stumble upon some of his hidden blades or stained shirts he kept in his room. He wouldn't know how to explain any of that if the boy happened to stumble in any of it. "I suppose you could share a bed with me, I don't move in my sleep so don't worry." He came to the conclusion that he should share the bed with the boy, that way he could make sure the boy doesn't go prying into things he shouldn't be.

The boy simply nodded then without another word went running into the man's room. He was a bit disappointed, he was kind of hoping that he would be able to go looking around as Hatori slept but this wasn't possible now since they will be sleeping together. It didn't matter that much though, he could just try when Hatori out or something, maybe he could even ask Hatori himself. The boy quickly hopped into the bed pulling out some bunny pajamas from the backpack he had with him then undressed slipping them on. Hatori came into the room quietly already being in his night garments. He looked to the boy who was already crawling under the sheets and making himself comfortable. Hatori blushed slightly from the fact of having the child in his bedroom but quickly shook it away. He wouldn't allow himself to blush for such an absurd reason.

He made himself comfortable next the boy and let himself to calm finally trying to rid himself of all worries. He tried to forget the boy was even there, that was until the boy tugged to the side of his sleeve "Hatori, what are you hiding?" The question was uncomfortably straight to the point. Hatori just remained silent; he was hoping he didn't hear the question "I'm not hiding anything, Momiji." "Don't lie Hat-san, I know there's something now tell me." It was obvious the boy had high suspicions of what has been going on. Hatori sighed deeply trying to maybe get Momiji to drop the subject. The silence made Hatori calm down a little, it was until he felt a tight squeeze on his arm that he let out another sound, or rather scream. "What's wrong with your arm Hatori? Did someone hurt you?" Another silence came; Hatori was still trying to make himself to relax from all the happenings of the day. He knew the boy was determined to get an answer so he gave the boy an answer, "Momiji, My arm is full of slashes and cuts, they're recent so I advice you to please release my arm." He gave the boy the truth, lying wouldn't work; he didn't know what to say to the boy other than the truth anyway. "Who did this to you Hat-san?" the young boy's voice became softer, it was obvious to tell he was starting to get worried. He waited patiently for an answer, which seemed to have taken forever to come. Hatori tightened his fist hoping that maybe this was just a dream, he didn't want to reveal his secret, the secret that he's been hiding for so long now, but the boy came all this way for a true answer, it would be cruel to lie. "I did" Hatori forced himself to answer although he knew this would make the boy worry worst and he wasn't too fond of what was to come from that response but for some reason he wanted to tell the boy the truth, he didn't want to lie to someone who had brought themselves all the way here just because they were worried for a friend.

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