Fruits Basket Fan Fiction ❯ Too Many Tears ❯ Too Many Tears ( Chapter 1 )

To Many Tears

 

Tohru woke up in a cold sweat. She had nearly screamed out loud from the dream she had just had. It had started so peacefully then ended with the thing that she had been trying to forget for a good year now. This wasn't the first time this had happened to her and it wouldn't be the last. At least once a week she was plagued with these memories that haunted her in her sleep. And all because of the one Sohma who controlled them all.

 

“Akito.” Like venom, his name spilled from her lips. She had to swallow the bile that threatened to rise in her throat. She was still in the Sohma residence but with one member absent. Sure, Akito hadn't ordered her memories erased, but this was much worse. It was as if he fed off of her mental pain. He inflicted emotional pain to everyone in the Sohma's family and it made her sick. At one point she had respected him, but now she knew what he truly was. A monster.

 

Tohru forced herself to shake any thoughts of him from her head. Instead she focused on the earlier part of her dream. The part that could make her smile even in the pit of despair she now resided in. The part where her and Kyo were still together.

 

*~*Well I wonder could it be
When I was dreaming 'bout you baby
You were dreaming of me*~*

 

A Happy faces. Gentle laughter. A warm embrace. Those were what her dream has begun with. She had actually been smiling in her dream, something she hadn't done in months, perhaps even the full year since he had left. She couldn't summon up enough strength to smile, not when she was hurting so bad. So every night she just settled for her dreams. Dreams of a time when she was happy, and they were together. They held her so she wouldn't go insane from heartache.

 

Did he think of her anymore? Did he ever close his eyes and see her face? She doubted it. He had to have forgotten her. It had been to long. He didn't seem like one to harbor on old feelings, he would have moved on.

 

But still in the back of her mind she prayed that he thought of her. Dreamed of her. Longed to see her again, even just for a moment.

 

*~* Call me crazy, call me blind
To still be suffering is stupid after all of this time*~*

 

Had she finally gone crazy? Perhaps. Would she ever recover? She doubted it. She doubted she would ever be the same again. She had changed for the worse, and the old Tohru was dead.

 

Tohru wandered to her calendar and crossed off the previous day since she had forgot to the night before. It was still dark out, only about three in the morning, but she couldn't sleep even if she wanted to.

 

It was almost a year today. Only a week until the actual anniversary of his departure. No. Anniversary wasn't the right word to use. Tohru racked her brain for an appropriate one, but nothing came to mind. She dropped the pen she used back on her dresser and let out a sigh.

 

Her friends had told her to cheer up. She still had her whole life ahead of her. She was only twenty after all. But she just couldn't do it. She had always thought that even twenty was too young to know what love was, but now she wasn't so sure. If it hadn't been love would she be hurting so bad?

 

*~* Did I lose my love to someone better
And does she love you like I do
I do, you know I really really do*~*

 

She still remembered Kyo's explanation on that horrible day. The explanation that had made her stomach churn, nearly causing her to lose all sanity.

 

`Akito instructed me to marry Kagura. I have no choice in the matter. He says…I will be happy.'

 

Tohru chocked back a sob. She had liked Kagura but she didn't want to give Kyo to her. The strong-headed Boar of the zodiac had loved Kyo far longer then she, but still. Selfish? Absolutely. However, Tohru didn't care how selfish she had sounded when she had begged him not to go.

 

Kagura's love for him wasn't as pure at Tohru's was. Kagura was violent and everyone knew it. How many times had she nearly killed Kyo in the name of `love' as she called it? How many times had she destroyed Shigure's house, to his utter discontent? No way could Kagura care about Kyo as much as she did. She would have gone to ends of the earth for him, could Kagura say the same and really mean it?

 

*~* Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away*~*

 

Tohru found herself at her window. The light breeze caught her hair and whipped it around. Usually she would have laughed at the feeling, but not tonight. The wind had no solace at the moment. Once upon a time it would have made her fears and sadness deplete, today it brought back more memories of better times.

 

Yuki had to hold her back after the first month of Kyo's departure. She had vowed to go see him, go tell him everything. Yuki warned her that if she did Akito would grow angry and order her memories suppressed. Perhaps it would have been less painful that way. Yuki had locked the doors and sat with her in her room until she calmed down, which was hours later.

 

Everyday was like torture. Even Shigure's antics had no effect on her. Kisa often would visit her but Tohru lacked her usual flare. All the Sohma's she had befriended tried to comfort her. From Momiji to even the sarcastic Hiro. Nothing. No matter how much company she received, Tohru still felt lonely, and empty inside.

*~* So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away*~*

 

Yuki loved her and she knew it. Still she couldn't bring herself to be with him. At one point in her life she had liked him too but now she couldn't pursue him. He had tried countless times to bring her back to her regular self. Taken her on dates, surprised her with various things he had in his garden. Still she brushed him off.

 

Kyo was the only one for her. He had the power to make her smile, to make her feel protected. If she ever dated again she would feel like she was cheating on him. He was married, but it didn't matter. She was still his and she would be until the end.

 

Her eyes stung and the tears began to fall. She knew they would come; they always did with the night. Always followed the memories. Always accompanied the loneliness in her heart. The void that would never be filled. The wind tried to dry them but more and more came. Tohru didn't even bother wiping them away, they would only return.

 

*~* I remember date and time
September twenty second
Sunday twenty five after nine*~*

 

She was pathetic. At least she thought she was. She could remember absolutely everything about the day he left! She hadn't even written it down. The day on her calendar from last year had been scratched at, basically torn.

 

She loathed September. It used to be one of the months she loved. Usually great weather. Now it was her enemy. It was the evil month that ruined her life.

 

Tohru ran back to her calendar and ripped it down. She glared at the picture for September. A couple holding hands, swinging on a set of swings. It mocked her. Showed her what she would never have. The picture brought back more painful memories and she looked away from it.

 

That horrible day began to play in her head and more tears spilled.

 

*~* In the doorway with your case
No longer shouting at each other
There were tears on our faces*~*

 

Though it was a year ago she remembered it like it was yesterday. The reoccurring nightmares made sure of that. They haunted her, and mocked her in ways she could never escape from.

 

It had been a week after he told her of Akito's wishes. Kyo was such a rouge, never listened to anyone but he had to this time. Akito was too powerful to be ignored. After all it was him who blinded Hatori and him who caused Kisa to stop speaking.

Kyo was scared to disobey so he did as he was instructed. Tohru had begged him not to go. Thrown herself at his feet and cried. Kyo usually was tough but the tears glistened his eyes as well.

 

`I love you Tohru-san. Never forget it. This is not my choice. If I had a choice it would be you. It's always been you.'

 

Those words surrounded her now in her dark room. Strangled the life out of her. They were meant to comfort her to a certain degree, instead they tore at her.

 

`If you love me like you say, you wouldn't be doing this.'

 

Tohru knew that it was a lie but she had said it anyway. A desperate attempt to get him to stay. Kyo had shaken his head and ran his hands through his orange hair.

 

`Akito says that…he says he'll kill you if I don't!'

 

With those last uttered words he had run from the house. Tohru had tried to chase him but his feline instincts made him far faster then she could ever be.

 

*~* And we were letting go of something special
Something we'll never have again
I know, I guess I really really know*~*

 

Before he had torn from her sight forever he had uttered four words that had kept Tohru from fully dieing inside. Four words that had cradled her in the sleepless nights.

 

`I won't love again'

 

It was a promise, a promise that kept her going. But what good is his love if she couldn't even see him? He was married, gone. He had done it to save her life but she would have much preferred death.

 

“Loving again isn't an option. Never will be.” Tohru sighed. “What I had with Kyo can not be repeated.”

 

*~* Well hey
So much I need to say
Been lonely since the day
The day you went away*~*

 

Was Akito laughing right now? Was he giddy with joy for ruining her, for ruining him? Tohru slammed her fist onto her desk as the tears dripped down her cheeks and onto the oak finish. Tohru smeared them on the desktop and shut her eyes.

 

She wanted the Tohru who smiled back. The one that even in sadness could make everyone around her happy. She had tried to get her old self back but it hurt. It was like being scorched from the inside out.

 

*~* So sad but true
For me there's only you
Been crying since the day
The day you went away*~*

 

Tohru's eyes ceased their tears long enough for her to stumble back to the window. She kneeled in front of it and stared at the clouded sky. Like her it had lost it's sheen.

 

Suddenly rain feel from the heavens. The earth was morning with her. And with the rain came more tears. Tears that turned into blunt sobs as she tried to breathe. She wanted to scream, wanted to unleash her pent up frustration. But she couldn't find her voice. She just settled for the sobs her body unleashed.

 

Her shoulders shook with angst. Her eyes stung with pain. Her heartbeat pounded uncomfortably in her chest.

 

*~* Why do we never know what we've got 'til it's gone
How could I carry on
The day you went away*~*

If she could redo it she would. She would tell him how she felt earlier. And if that didn't work she would have perused him. She would have stopped the wedding no matter what the cost. If it meant Akito's wrath so be it!

She had done exactly what she swore to never do. She took for granted what she had. She always thought he would be there. Always thought she would wake up and see him so she was in no rush to confess to him. How wrong was she. Had he thought the same thing?

*~* Cause I've been missing you so much I have to say
Been crying since the day
The day you went away*~*

Tohru grabbed her pillow from her bed and let her sobs escalate into it. She briefly heard footsteps entering her room and two arms wrapped around her. She wanted to pretend they were Kyo's but instead she knew they were probably Yuki's. A popping noise indicated that he had transformed.

Tohru wiped her eyes and turned around to face the mouse. He looked up at her with his beady eyes, they held a sadness Tohru had never seen before.

“Tohru-san, what's wrong?” Yuki inquired. He climbed onto her pillow and continued to look at her through his small eyes.

“I miss him.” She confessed. Yuki placed his paw on her hand in a comforting manner.

“And I miss the old Tohru. The one who was almost always happy. The one who could bring a smile to even my face.” A mousy grin formed on Yuki's lips but Tohru looked away.

*~* The day you went away*~*

“Do you know how it feels?” Tohru inquired. “To not see the one you love anymore. To have them out of your reach?” Tohru chocked back another sob. Yuki jumped off her lap just in time as he transformed back. He quickly redressed himself and kneeled down in front of her.

“I don't know what happened a year ago but it changed you. I know he left but Tohru, you have to move on.” Yuki didn't know what else to say.

“You ask me what happened?” Tohru snorted and looked down at her tear stained pillow. “I died.”