Full Metal Panic Fan Fiction ❯ Full Metal Panic! Essay Assignment ❯ 6th Step: Kaname's Final Draft ( Chapter 6 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Author's Note: I hope you've enjoyed yourselves reading this far.... The essays have so far been the greatest challenge to write, but once I was done and read them over, I was very pleased with the outcome. I must also add that I had a blast writing the following chapter, and I hope you like it as much as I liked writing it. Thanks from the bottom of my heart for those of you who have taken the time and write your reviews, even if the story is not done. Reading the reviews truly made my day. I will endeavor to finish the story as soon as possible so do not despair!
And now, without further ado:

6th Step: Kaname's Final Draft

I watched as Miss Chidori—Kaname... Kaname... Kaname...!

Okay, let's try again... I watched as Kaname stepped out into my balcony and leaned on the rails, looking beyond the horizon of the neighborhood. The dimming light played tricks on her skin, and the wind caressed her hair teasingly. She was not wearing the red hair ribbon she always wore, so her hair flowed freely, with a wild beauty that took my breath away. Seeing her shift slightly, I snapped back into reality and looked at the sheets of paper folded in half in my hand. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed a chair that was nearby and sat down. I unfolded the papers, and braced myself.

My Situation

By Kaname Chidori

I smiled, seeing how ironic life was. We had chosen the same title. It couldn't have been coincidence, could it?

I would have never expected to find myself in this situation. But who do I have to give my thanks to? None other than Sergeant Chaos! That's right! Sousuke Sagara! But, in a way, I feel somewhat ashamed writing this. Why did it have to reach this point for me to express these feelings, even if it is to a piece of paper? Why do I always have to be a coward?

But you can't blame me either! Opening up to Sergeant Stiff is not easy. Many times I've found myself mustering courage to express my feelings to him, only to think better of it. Why? Because just thinking about his reaction makes me think it twice. Will he accept the way I'm feeling? Would he turn me down? Would he look at me like I got an extra eye in the middle of my forehead or something? Most importantly, would he understand these kinds of feelings?

What kinds of feelings, you must be asking yourself... I'll tell you about those feelings. Yes, I like Sergeant Sousuke Sagara! There! I said it! Now what?

I am... attracted to him... yes, as hard as it is to admit it. There's something about that stupid otaku that just makes him special to me, that makes him “the one”. He is by no means perfect, and he screws up so often that I find myself surprised when I wake up the next day, still liking him... and shockingly enough, looking forward to seeing him. I only wish he could ease up... maybe if he acted a bit more normal, than maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about admitting these things to him. But noooo....! He just has to go and blow stuff up, shoot rubber bullets at people, think of everything in military terms and just... just... not be normal! Ugh! But... then again, him being abnormal is what makes him special... in a very unique way, I might add! Though he has no trouble creating chaos, he has the same ease being sweet to me, doing nice things that I don't think he even realizes the effect they have on me. He would always be so stiff, I find myself wondering sometimes if he could even pop his back! I swear, his bones must be made of iron and rusted to the core... that's probably why he is so rigid!

Despite all this, the truth is, aside from liking him, I'm also in love with him. He might be clueless and the biggest otaku in all of Japan, but he is my otaku... or at least I like to think so. His constant concern for my wellbeing, the sacrifices he's made on my behalf—too many to mention, and too great as well, I'm afraid—his sincerity, his ethics and values... they simply make him someone I hold truly dear to my heart. The thought of him leaving me is unbearable, and terrifying. I wouldn't know what to do. The peace of mind he brings to my life is irreplaceable, and I couldn't live without it. His quiet and faithful company has become a vital part of my life, and to lose that would mean the end, even despite all the commotion he causes. Because of all this, my only desire is that I could be closer to him... closer in a way that goes beyond our current friendship. Closer to the point I can be able to express just how grateful I am to him for all he's done. I want to be able to call to him any time I want to, I want to be able to hold his hand in mine, I want to feel his protective arms around me without reserves... I want to do the things that could only be done with someone very close... close in the manner that they would generally fall in the “boyfriend” category...

But with him, it's hard to even consider those kinds of ideas. Knowing the way he is, I find myself asking if he even knows what kind of things entail being in that kind of “close” relationship. But before even considering such ideas, there is one thing to ask, and that is if he actually likes me the same way. Would he be willing to get that close to me?

So... yeah. I am afraid of finding the answer to that question, because I'm not sure how I would deal with it if he were to say no, or if he doesn't know altogether. Would I be able to look at him in the eyes if he said no? Would I be able to walk to school with him as I've become accustomed to?

My biggest fear is that I would lose everything in our friendship that we have built throughout the years. I would hate to lose what I have with him because of my own selfish desires and fetishes. I would rather suck it up a hundred times over than lose him altogether! He is that important to me, and I would be willing to sacrifice my own feelings like that in a heartbeat. I just hope that stupid otaku is smart enough to realize it!

The thought of reliving the time when he abandoned me the first time is piercing, agonizing, dreadful, and straight out painful. I meant what I said when I confronted him that day after all the Hong Kong commotion... I would never forgive him for that. I rather have him the way I do now—no matter how much it tears me apart—than not have him at all. I would not be able to live with myself. I've experienced abandonment more times than I care to remember, and it's certainly something I would never look forward to.

That, unfortunately... is my situation. Is it going to be like this forever...? Only time will tell.

I looked up and saw how dusk had turned into night. She still stood on the balcony taking in her surroundings. I smiled as I watched her profile. I was the luckiest man alive. Kaname... in love with me. Bless Ms. Kagurazaka....

And by the way, I have a fairly decent idea of what being in love is!

Standing up, I walked towards the balcony and stood at the door.

She felt my presence near her and turned around. Looking for a reaction in my eyes, she watched me intently. When I just stood there, just looking at her, fear began creeping in her eyes. I couldn't help but to smile—I seem to be doing that a lot more than I am accustomed to—and stepped into the balcony with her. Standing mere inches from her, I took her hands in my own, and pulled her to me. Once against me, I wrapped my arms around her tightly. She stood stiff, shocked, to say the least.

“Kaname,” I voiced over her head which rested under my chin.

“Hmm?” she mumbled in her state of stupor.

I grinned. “You know, Kaname, if I recall correctly what you told me a while ago, when a guy throws himself at you like I'm doing now you're supposed to hug back...”

Immediately I felt her relax in my arms and chuckle, leaning into me willingly as she wrapped her arms around me. “Idiot...” she murmured.

I snorted and rested my cheek on her head. That... felt very nice.

We held each other tightly for what seemed an eternity. Her body molded perfectly against my own. I enjoyed the lovely smell of her hair, but as I did so, a realization dawned on me. I... on the other hand, didn't smell so nice. On the contrary, I was sweaty and stinky! Reluctantly, I loosened my embrace and she looked at me quizzically. I smiled softly. “I don't smell very pleasant at the moment, Kaname... I need to shower.”

Looking into my eyes dumbfounded for a second, she couldn't help but to laugh at my remark. “Oh, Sousuke...” she said, fully leaning against me once again. Automatically, I rested my hands on her hips, patiently waiting. When she finally pulled back and looked at my eyes with that beautiful smile of hers, I felt my heart skip a beat painfully.

“Alright... go and shower,” she stated. “Come to my place afterwards, I want to cook dinner for the two of us, so I'll get started and wait for you.”

I released her gently. “Roger. I will be there shortly.”

She released me as well. “Good, and you better not be late or else!”

“It is not a problem!”

“Let's hope it's not,” she remarked. What she did next literally turned me to stone: with her hand holding the back of my head, she pulled down until she she was able to reach and placed a moist, sweet, lingering kiss on my cheek. I stood stiff, petrified, only having my hand in semi-working conditions reach where she had placed the kiss and pat the spot after she pulled back. She giggled quietly and released me, walking towards the main door of my apartment. She put her shoes on again, and turned towards the door, but not before looking to my eyes with her own beautiful ones and giving me one of her dazzling smiles.

Somehow, I managed to return her smile—though not as dazzling, I assure you. I kept smiling as I found my joints finally in working order and began walking towards the shower. The time I took to bathe literally put my record times during Mithril Basic Training to shame, and getting dress was no different. I speed walked to her apartment, and climbed up the stairs, being too impatient to wait for the elevator. Slightly catching my breath, I gently knocked on her door and waited. Faintly, I heard quick steps nearing the door. Soon enough, she opened the door and smiled when our eyes met. Internally, I took note of just how stunning Kaname looked when she was happy.

“That was fast!” she exclaimed surprised.

“I didn't want to keep you waiting,” I replied sheepishly. “But I'm clean now,” I added proudly.

She grinned at me. “Promise?” she joked.

“Affirmative!” I voiced confidently.

She giggled. “C'mon, silly... you don't plan on standing there all night, do you?”

I walked in when she stood aside. “Negative, Kaname.”

She closed the door behind her. “Good.” She walked past me and headed towards the kitchen, a content smile on her face. “I like it when you use my first name, Sousuke...”

I gasped just slightly, and then relaxed. “I am pleased to hear that. I will endeavor to further fulfill any requirements you have of me.”

She looked at me with a mischievous smile. “You'd do that for me, Sousuke?”

“Affirmative!” I stood at attention.

“Then will you please relax and make yourself at home? This is going to take a little while, you know...”

“Roger.” I moved to her dining set and pulled a chair back and sat on it, strategically choosing one that faced the kitchen where she was so I could observe her at work.

She noticed this immediately and a wicked gleam flashed in her eyes. “Enjoying the view, Soldier...?” she murmured... sensuously?

Next thing I knew I was stiff like a log, in more than one place I may add... this was certainly a very inadequate reaction! Sweat poured from every pore in my body. “Uhh...”

She burst out laughing. “You should see the look on your face! It's priceless!” she said, still laughing.

“Uhh...”

“I was only kidding, chill...” she said, gathering all the items necessary to make dinner.

“Uhh... roger,” I stammered, slightly loosing up.

She smirked and began chopping various kinds of vegetables. The rest of the night went by quietly with the occasional tease from Kaname. We sat and ate dinner, I complimented her on her exceptional cooking skills, and quietly enjoyed each other's company. We finished eating at about the same time, and I took it upon myself to take the dishes to the kitchen to begin washing them. Initially Kaname protested, insisted I was her guest and I had no need to do that. I, on the other hand, stubbornly refused and lathered a sponge with soap.

“Well, at least let me rinse,” she voiced and stood besides me in front of the sink.

“Very well,” I said.

As I handed her a washed cup our fingers touched and I felt an electric jolt running through my spine, making me gasp slightly.

Kaname, on the other hand, had a similar reaction but kept quiet just the same.

Briefly organizing my thoughts, I decided to speak up. “Kaname?”

“Yeah?” she asked, taking another dish from my hands.

“What are the common requirements to fulfill the duty of a 'boyfriend'?”

I looked at her slightly concerned as she stood stiff, dropping the dish I had recently handed her, making the rinsing water splash in all directions.

“Kaname, are you alright?” I asked, looking at her intently. She looked at me briefly and then down to the sink where the dish sat submerged under the water. Suddenly, the corners of her mouth started twitching, curving upwards, almost secretly.

“Why do you ask?” she asked, a slight tone of hilarity and delight ringing in her voice as she fought to keep a straight face.

“I'm just curious, Miss—Kaname,” damn... there I go again!

“Hmm... it all really depends I suppose,” she stated, disregarding my blunder.

“On what?” I asked.

“On whose boyfriend you're planning on being,” she replied.

“Hmm...” I hummed thoughtfully.

“So?” she urged.

“Yes?” I asked, curious as to what exactly she was referring.

She sighed, slightly exasperated, but knowing her, she was keeping her patience in check. “Whose boyfriend do you want to be?”

I shrugged, handing her another dish. “That depends...”

I took note of her flinching and of how that other dish almost slipped from her grasp again, but this time around, she was a bit more efficient in catching it before it went tumbling down. She breathed deeply, trying to calm her nerves, I suppose.

“On what...?” she questioned, fidgeting just slightly.

“It depends on the explanation I acquire from you, Kaname,” I replied.

She frowned, swaying her hands on the water surface as she waited for me to hand another dish. Then finally, taking a deep breath, she said: “Well... being someone's boyfriend is... well, a little hard to explain, I guess...”

“I'm listening,” I reassured.

She sighed. “It's when a guy really likes a girl—or another guy, but let's not even go there!—and wants to be closer to her.”

“Closer?” I asked. I was close to Kaname; I was her protector... did that mean I was already her boyfriend?

“Yes, Sousuke... in a way that goes beyond friendship.”

Being her protector also went beyond friendship... hmmm...

“Closer in a very unique and special way, though... nothing otaku like being a bodyguard,” she quickly added, apparently reading my mind.

“Ahh...” I nodded, discarding my previous thoughts. “So how is it unique?”

She took another dish I handed over. “If you want to be a girl's boyfriend, that means you are willing to share your deepest thoughts with her, your fears, your desires, your hopes, and everything that you're not exactly willing to share with some random person or friend. It's more personal, Sousuke... you want to be close to her because you want to, because that's what your heart is telling you, not out of duty or obligation. It's something you have to want, because she makes you feel good inside, and makes you want to become a better person.”

“Hmm... from what I can gather, I like being around you, Kaname,” I stated, handing another dish. When I noticed she didn't take it, I looked over and was met with her deep gaze looking into my eyes. She then shook her head slightly and took the dish.

“Yeah, Sousuke, but just 'cause you like a girl doesn't mean you gotta be her boyfriend.”

“How so?”

“I mean, you like around Kyouko and Ren... and even Melissa, right?”

“I find their occasional company pleasant, yes.”

“See?”

“But I'm not exactly willing to share intimate aspects of my life with them,” I added.

“Exactly. To find a companion, you need to be very selective,” she stated.

“I see.”

“And,” she went on. “One of the things you have to consider is that the girl likes you back the same way and wants to do those things with you.”

I smiled slightly at that. “I see,” repeated.

“It helps if you both like each other, Sousuke... if you're both in love.”

“Roger,” I voiced.

She remained quiet for a few minutes before speaking again.

“There's other stuff you have to do to be a girl's boyfriend, though...” she added.

I looked at her. “What else is there?”

“Not only do you really, really have to like the girl, but you have to be willing and wanting to do other stuff with her...”

“Like what?” I asked intrigued.

I watched her squarely. She briefly glanced at me looked away, her cheeks staining a deep shade of red. She began swaying her hands over the rinsing water again. “Well...”

“Yes?” I urged.

“You... know, Sousuke...!” she said exasperated.

“I don't, actually,” I stated.

She sighed impatiently. “Kisses, Sousuke! Hugs... holding hands, touching, and... and... and... other stuff down the road... if the situation ever presents itself.” she voiced, saying the last part rather hastily and seemingly embarrassed.

My eyes widened slightly and I stood frozen with a dish in hand. I think I understood her circumspection. “You mean...”

She looked at me expectantly.

I began perspiring again. “You mean... sex?”

Her cheeks stained a deeper shade of red, and nodded, hastily again... avoiding eye contact.

“I...” I cleared my throat when my voice squeaked. “I see...” I said with as much an even tone I could manage.

We stood side by side, in silence, our shoulders occasionally brushing when I would hand her a dish.

She sighed before speaking. “So...”

“Yes, Kaname?”

She looked at me anticipatively. Seeing I remained quiet she looked away with disappointment. “Nothing...”

“Kaname?”

She waived me off. “It's nothing, Sousuke. Don't worry about it.”

“Understood.”

I noticed how she sighed disillusioned. I continued washing the remainder of the dishes, and she diligently wiped the counters. It seemed she did not want to be standing next to me, for some reason....

An air of disappointment hung about her like a persistent cloud, and I only wondered why. Had I said or done something to defraud her? Or had I not done or said something I was supposed to? I frowned, going over what she had explained to me. The concept was still a bit blurry around the edges, but the main idea was clear... to be a boyfriend was to be that special companion, to intimately share moments with someone who you were in love with... to be there for her, the same way she would. The more I thought of her explanation, the more I realized I wanted these things. Yes, I liked Kaname. She was the only one who knew me the most out of all the people I've met throughout my life, and the only one, when it really came down to it, I would be willing to open up to. The rest... the physical—well, it goes without saying!

But... would there be repercussions if I decided to pursue that kind of relationship with Kaname? Would it hinder my ability to protect her? Would I... would I be caught with my pants down...?—no pun intended! But... but... I had a right to live, right? To experience these parts of life which weren't designed to fit in a soldier's life? Though... did I want to be a soldier for the rest of my life? True, it was the only thing I was efficient at, but who's to say I didn't deserve an opportunity to prove myself in other fields? The more I considered these ideas, the more I realized that Mithril wasn't the end of the road for me, and that I needed to explore different horizons in my life. My life had never been easy, and after all the things I've had to live through, I didn't think it would start to be so now. I had experienced too many cruel things to simply forget about it and pretend they never happened. Those things, after all, molded me into being the person I was today. In the end, they could not be ignored or forgotten, even if I had wanted to. But... that didn't mean I had to continue living them. With Kaname, I truly believed I had a chance at happiness and normalcy. With Kaname, I had an opportunity to explore different areas of myself that perhaps I was unaware of. With Kaname, I had learned to live a little, and honestly, I didn't want to stop now. Actually, I wanted more of it. I had a right to be selfish, and pay attention to my own needs. Mithril had benefited a great deal from my own skills... now it was my turn to pursue different goals.

“Kaname?” I spoke. I didn't realize it, but I did.

“Yes?” she asked, interrupted from her own thoughts.

“I...” I hesitated. I looked into her eyes and saw how she patiently waited for me to continue.

“Kaname... I...” I hesitated again... damn it...!

“Yes, Sousuke...”

“There is a girl...”

“Yeah?” she urged.

“There is a girl... there is a girl that I really like...” I paused, bracing myself for what I had in mind to say next. “That girl... I would like to ask her if I can be her boyfriend...”

Immediately I saw how her world began to fall apart and the light in the eyes diminished. “Oh...”

“Kaname?” I voiced, concerned.

When she didn't reply, I walked up to her. When I was close enough, I saw unshed tears, stubbornly refusing to fall in my presence.

“Kaname...” I asked again.

She turned away from me, hugging her sides, heart broken. “Yeah...?” her voice quivered.

“I really like this girl,” I stated.

“Oh, really...?” her voice now sounded bitter.

“Affirmative,” I replied. “And I think she likes me too.”

“Well good for you...!” Even if I couldn't see her face, I knew the tears weren't stubborn enough and I knew she was crying.

“Kaname...” She didn't reply. I tried again, this time gently touching her shoulder. “Kaname... after thorough personal analysis, and after the most reliable intelligence you've provided me, I've decided to make my final decision.”

“It's that so...?” Still bitter, I noted.

“Affirmative,” I went on. “I believe the decision I've made will prove to be exceedingly beneficial.”

“Woop-ty doo...” she muttered.

“Kaname...can I...” Damn it all to hell!

Surprisingly, she remained where she was, motionless, quietly sniffing. Already, she was crying... she did, after all, had a really bad tendency to jump to conclusions! But I wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Gathering all the courage I had within me, I stubbornly hoped that what I said next would have a positive outcome.

“Kaname... can... can I be your b-boyfriend...?”

Before I knew it, my head crashed mercilessly against the kitchen floor. Everything went dark for a few seconds. When I somewhat regained consciousness and opened my eyes, I saw one pissed off Kaname Chidori clutching a large frying pan in her hands. If she had been a bull, her nose would have been blowing off steam, and her feet kicking dirt behind her....