Full Metal Panic Fan Fiction ❯ Needless Secrets ❯ Chapter Four ( Chapter 4 )

This was to be the last chapter and should have been up a few days ago, but I decided that Kaname and Sousuke's relationship needed a little fleshing out. So, now we have two chapters…and this one is much longer than the others.

Thanks to everyone for the great reviews.

Her legs were beginning to ache. The distance between their apartments was anything but substantial; however, starting off into her sprint cold, her body already weakened with lack of sleep, she felt as though she was mid-way through a marathon.

She glanced around the square, thanking whatever deity that might be listening that no one was there to watch her desperate dash. A girl in her pyjamas, hair unrestrained, with no trace of make-up, running around like someone possessed in the middle of the night? She'd never quite live it down.

With each step she knew she was drawing closer to her destination. But time seemed to be passing so slowly; she felt as if she was standing still, her goal moving swiftly away from her. She tried to pump her legs harder, but she was already running fill tilt.

In the midst of her endless journey, she felt her mind wander, passing over those moments that were most significant in their relationship, both before and after that first kiss.

The day he had arrived at school, the instant attraction that she felt…which was subsequently destroyed the moment she saw Ms. Kagurazaka holding that 'toy' gun.

The time they had spent talking at the quiet train station.

Their trek through that forest. The sweet things he had said to her upon the da Dannan and at his secret fishing place.

The frightened look upon his face after she had fallen through the hospital floor.

The way he blushed when he told her she was beautiful.

His sleepy face as she snipped away at his overgrown hair.

Their reunion on the back streets of Hong Kong. The transformation in his features when he saw her standing before him. One moment he was ready to give up…the next his eyes gleamed with determination.

It had already been past midnight on a school night, but her confession mere hours before had left both ignorant of the passage of time. Who cares if it's hard to get through tomorrow's classes? Kaname remembered thinking. Tonight's only gonna happen once.

They had sat upon her sofa, the TV still flickering in the background. He held her a bit awkwardly, his body slightly stiff. It would be at least a week before he felt comfortable being so physically close to her.

She couldn't piece together the conversation that well; she only recalled that she had been telling him a few stories from her youth. Something in particular concerning her, her sister, the beach and jetties had actually caused him to laugh.

Kaname had stared up at him, slightly surprised by the noise. It hadn't been boisterous or noisy; he hadn't laughed for that long, nor had the volume of his voice risen at all. Just the fact that he had permitted it to escape shocked her.

He clued into her confusion. "What is it, Kaname?"

She realised how silly she was acting. Sousuke himself didn't seem to notice anything unusual in his response, so why should she? Everyone laughed, didn't they? Just because he did it so infrequently didn't mean he lacked the capability, after all. But the brief noise had caused her to feel warm inside. "Nothing. It's just…nice to hear you laugh. It's a really beautiful sound."

That had certainly made him uncomfortable. Sitting up a little straighter, she could see his eyes searching for focus. She didn't need to hear his next words to know he was desperate to change the subject. "So…uh…what should we do when we arrive at school in the morning?"

"What do you mean?" Her full attention wasn't upon his words. She still felt light-headed.

"How should we tell everyone about us?"

"'About us'?"

"About us," he blushed, "having a relationship?"

Without really thinking things through, Kaname blurted out, "We don't need to tell everyone yet, do we? Ha ha!" She laughed awkwardly.

"But why not? Is it not always best to be honest?"

"Ah…yeah, but…" she slid into him, pouting. She was now free to flirt uninhibited. "Don't you think it would be kind of exciting just keeping things between us for a little while?"

The way she was cosied up to his body, a hand resting upon his chest, certainly worked its charms. His blush turned a darker shade of red. "Ahh…uhh…okay."

Despite his answer, he still looked unconvinced and even unhappy with her wish. Her mind began to race, looking for every excuse that could aid her. "Well…it's also… Well, have you thought about how some people may feel about our relationship? Tessa for instance? I don't like the thought of hurting anyone."

She momentarily glimpsed a fleeting awkward expression cross his features. So he did have an inkling of his captain's feelings towards him. "I think she already understands that my feelings reside with you. She may be emotionally hurt, but she is good person. She cares for both of us. I know she will accept us regardless."

Sousuke won that round. "Maybe." She sighed. "Don't worry; we will tell everyone. But I think we should just keep things quiet until we really know what's happening between us."

He simply nodded.

In retrospect, Kaname couldn't understand her actions back then. All she knew was the thought of revealing things made her nauseous…

Opening her eyes, she sat up with a start. The room was cast in shadows. The only light filtered through the doorway to her left. For a brief moment she had no idea where she was. But as her vision adjusted to the dark, she recognised the sparse details.

Sousuke's bedroom? But where is he?

She pulled the blanket from her body, stood from the bed and made her way from the room. The sun had already risen; the living room was bathed in a gentle glow. And there, lying on the hard floor, Sousuke slept. His Glock was even gripped tightly within his hand.

She took a few steps closer to him, hoping to rouse him gently, but before she had made her way halfway to him, he awoke. At first he seemed to be on high alert, but once he caught sight of her, he slowly moved to sit, smiling slightly. "Good morning, Kaname."

"Mornin'." She continued on her path to her boyfriend, giving him a lingering kiss before sitting upon the sofa behind him. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she placed her cheek against his. He went rigid for a moment before relaxing into her caress. "Did I nod off last night?"

"Yes; during the movie. I wished to wake you but…" His voice trailed off.

"What?" she teased, able to feel the rise in warmth in his cheek.

"You…uh…you looked rather attractive…" He paused for a moment, rethinking his words. "Uh…lovely…so I did not want to wake you." He gave her a tender look. "I wished to watch you sleep for a while."

She tightened her gentle grip. "Thank you," she whispered before a playful urge came upon her. "So, why are you sleeping out here? There's enough room in the bed for both of us." She heard him inhale sharply. Kaname doubted anyone else on the planet could be so entertaining.

"I thought that you might find that…inappropriate."

"What? You don't trust yourself?" she laughed. "Or are you worried that I may take advantage of you?"

There was no reply.

Standing, she grabbed one of his hands and pulled him up from the floor. "Don't worry, Sousuke. Sleeping in the same bed doesn't ALWAYS lead to that." Her slightly mischievous emphasis caused him to swallow heavily. "Sometimes it's just nice to lie down together and cuddle. And it's still really early; I know I could do with some more shut-eye."

Now a bit more willing, he followed her lead. Once they reached his room, she abandoned her playful façade; she didn't want to scare him away so early in their relationship. Once she was comfortable, her body facing the wall opposite the doorway, and he lying with his chest to her back, she shifted backwards and pulled his arms over her. Within seconds, she found herself falling back into slumber.

But before she was lost to the conscious world, she heard his breathing deepen and his hold relax. Peering over her shoulder, she gazed at his sleeping face. She couldn't remember a time he appeared so tranquil…

Pulling the brush once more through her wet locks, she placed the object back down upon the sink before making her way back towards Sousuke's room. He was still in the exact same position as he had been when she had left to take a shower--seated at the end of his bed, his whole countenance untroubled. His eyes held a faraway, distant gaze. The grin present on his lips was almost lopsided. It was hard to recognise the well-known gloomy Sergeant in his current conditions; he looked like any other teenage boy after he'd gotten lucky.

She plopped herself down beside him, resting her head upon his shoulder. Instantly she felt his arm manoeuvre itself around her. He hadn't even hesitated in the slightest. Maybe she should have done this a year ago; perhaps then she wouldn't have had to deal with so many disastrous situations. It seemed like the only thing that had truly opened him up.

"So, how are you feeling?"

"Good. Great. I mean amazing…umm. I'm sorry."

She felt a small thread of guilt unravel once more. "You don't regret what happened last night? Well, and this morning?" she added with a blush.

He seemed touched by her concern. "Don't worry. If I had not been willing, I would have refused. And I am very happy with the decision I made."

"Thank God," she exclaimed. "Though…"

"Yes, Kaname?"

"Well, I was a little worried before in case you didn't know…everything. I mean…it wasn't that long ago you had no idea what kissing was."

His face was beginning to resemble a ripened tomato. "Uh…I…a good friend explained several things to me, believing I would need to use that knowledge at some point in the future."

Kaname couldn't help the sinking feeling in her stomach. Please let him not mean… "Kurtz?" she asked, afraid of Sousuke answering with an affirmative.

"Negative."

Her mind danced with joy.

"In fact, it was Miss Mao. She told me she was…concerned about my future. She did not wish for me to go unprepared. I think she is perhaps suspicious of our mutual feelings." Sousuke turned to her, his eyes meeting hers. "Kaname…thank you."

"Why are you thanking me, you idiot?"

"Just for being here for me. No one has cared for me a fraction of how much you do. This last month has been unimaginable. Last night was…wonderful." The words came easily to him. She'd never seen him so accepting of his emotions. She was equally surprised when he pulled her into an embrace. He held her so firmly it seemed as if he never wanted to let go. She melted against him in response…

She couldn't let those times simply fade into memories, couldn't just give him up without throwing herself, body and soul, into the challenge. He had changed so much for her, put himself through so much pain. Now it was her turn. She didn't care if her admissions hurt. No matter what it took, whatever sacrifice she had to make, she'd keep things alive between them. If she didn't, what she most feared would undoubtedly come true.

She turned the corner and ran down the corridor until she stood outside his door. She stared at its frame for a moment, catching her breath, before tentatively raising her arm.

"Chidori? What are you doing here?"

Kaname pushed past him, pacing through the hallway until she reached the small living area. She may have had a loose fuse or two, but she wasn't about to start yelling in the corridor in the early hours. And she'd come over intent upon giving him an apology!

She could feel Sousuke falling behind her, stepping into the room. Turning to face him, she growled, "Chidori? Chidori?! After everything we've been through, are we back to that again?! So, what, there's a problem in our relationship and you suddenly think it's over?"

She watched as Sousuke froze for a moment, thoughts clearly racing as he seemed to decide upon something. "No, I…Kaname…" he began before exhaling, falling mute.

"What?!"

"I…" he stumbled again.

Her hands went to pull at the short hairs that fell around her face. If she'd known he was going to be so indecisive, she would have brought her harisen along. No, scratch that. Something more effective was called for. Her softball bat, maybe? "If you have something to say to me, would you just say it already?!"

"I thought that was what you wanted!" he shouted back out of nowhere.

Kaname felt herself take a step back. She couldn't remember the last time he'd raised his voice in such a way. He always seemed to have his temper so firmly under control. But now… His eyes were dark, but at the same time uncertainty gleamed through the shadows.

Sousuke threw himself down upon the sofa, his vision centred upon the hard floor. With his long, thick fringe hanging down like a curtain, she couldn't even catch a glimpse of his face. "The way you've treated me…" His voice was low and even, but she could tell he was having difficulty forming his words. "The fact you've been so adamant about keeping our relationship a secret… I believed I was just giving you what you wished for by leaving you alone."

"What I wished for?" She felt her anger waver but tried not to let that become evident in her voice. "What do you mean, Sousuke?"

He looked up towards her. His eyes were deeply troubled. "Kaname, I am sure that you must be able to see the situation clearly." She shook her head, afraid of where his logical mind had taken him. "Think about the man you have always believed you would end up with." He paused for a beat. "Then think of me. In what ways are were similar? How do we differ?" All Kaname could do was stare dumbfounded into his eyes. "I suppose that there is little to no correlation." He tore his eyes from hers once again. "I am not the kind of man you desire. You must be quite aware that you would fare better with someone else. You believe that I cannot provide you with what you require. That is why you cannot bring yourself to tell anyone about us."

The kick was swift and hard. She hadn't meant to use her foot, but there had been nothing else at hand to deliver a harsh blow. She had forgotten that she'd grabbed the first pair of shoes she could find in her rush ­ her hard-toed black formal heels.

"Kaname, that hurt," he said simply, rubbing his bruised shin.

"I know it did! It was supposed to! Where the hell do you get off telling me what I'm feeling?!" If it was possible, her volume had risen by a few decibels.

"But isn't the truth--"

"Do you think I'd be that cold-hearted?" she interrupted, hands on hips, glaring down at him. "'Oh, Sousuke, I love you but you're nothing like the guy I imagined I'd end up with. I can't be bothered anymore, so see ya, have a nice life.' Yeah, you are completely different from my 'dream guy', but I don't care! If I wanted, I could have been with someone like that. Before we even met, I was in love with my so-called 'ideal' man. When I ran into him last year, he told me he felt the same way. And do you know what I did? I turned him down. I turned him down and broke his heart. Why? Because I was so terrified of erasing any hope of something possibly happening between you and me!"

"But…" He looked genuinely puzzled. There were beads of sweat upon his forehead and his eyes roamed, unable to find something to focus upon. With her anger dissipating, she began to fall back into her circle of guilt. She didn't know why she was yelling at him when he looked so gloomy.

"You told me that you always wished to be with me. I am aware that you would like to be married someday, that you would perhaps like to have a family." His words were slow. It was obvious how focused he was upon them. "The longer you held off from telling people what was developing between us, the more I began to worry that you would never break this…veil of secrecy. That perhaps you wished to retain it as you did not want to share such things as marriage and a family with me. That you wanted to put a barrier in the way of our future."

"Why would I want to do that?" She heard him sigh heavily. He obviously thought all of this should be self-evident to her.

"Because I embarrass you. I hassle you. It was hard enough for you to initially admit that we were friends." He looked her straight in the face. His eyes seemed to hold a glare. "You don't want anyone to know that you have fallen for someone like me."

"Oh, God," she sighed. Let the boy think for himself, and he ends up shooting far off the mark. She threaded her fingers into her hair. She felt like she wanted to scream. "This has NOTHING to do with me being embarrassed! Yeah, sometimes after you carry out one of your idiotic stunts, I just want to slink away and pretend like I had no part in it. But…I don't care what people think about our relationship. I wouldn't give a damn if they tease me about dating you. I'm not the type of person who frets over how popular they are. Hell, if they piss me off with snide remarks, it's easy enough to get them to shut up!"

She moved a little closer too him. "I'd go through anything to be with you, Sousuke. This whole situation…" She felt her strong resolve begin to slip. The discoveries she had made began to present themselves with more vigour. "…I'm not acting this way because of you. You haven't done anything wrong." She could hear her voice beginning to crack, a painful lump forming within her throat. His image before her was blurring. Moisture was heavy upon her eyelashes. "It's me. I'm the one who's screwed up."

She felt her knees buckle, her shins hitting the wooden floor with a thud. The tears were now rolling from her eyes, cascading down her cheeks. She hated crying like this, hated being so fragile in front of him. How many times had he seen her this way? Once, maybe twice? But she just couldn't contain it. Her façade of control had disappeared. She just wanted to kneel there and cry until the torrent allowed some of her pain to slowly ebb.

She heard a noise before her, and two hands rested themselves upon her upper arms. "Kaname?" That anxious voice…

Without making a conscious decision, she threw herself into his arms. "It can't happen again. It just can't! I don't think I could get through it!"

His arms snaked their way around her body. He pressed her closer to him, resting his chin upon her soft hair. "Get through what? Kaname, are you okay? What's wrong? Did something happen?" he spoke without pause. He had such a talent for rambling when he panicked. It could have made her smile in the midst of her tears if it wasn't for the fearful look he gave her.

She attempted to answer, a few almost articulate noises escaping her lips, but her raspy breath prevented her from saying anything he could really comprehend. Wordlessly, he led her over to the sofa and seated them, never once breaking contact.

Time passed - five, ten, twenty minutes, she wasn't exactly sure ­ before she felt her body relax. Her tears were beginning to subside, leaving her eyes pained and raw. Her breathing was more settled. She had almost stopped trembling. She glanced back up towards his face. His expression hadn't changed in the slightest--his eyes were still begging for answers she wasn't sure she had the strength to provide.

She had to try, though. They were there, on the tip of her tongue. She just had to make the effort, allow them to fall from her mouth. If she couldn't admit these things to him, who else could she reveal them to?

"Everyone thinks I'm so strong," she began, almost confident, "like nothing is going to affect me. And I'm actually like that a lot of the time." She paused for a moment, holding onto his body a little more securely than before. "But sometimes…things happen and I just don't know how to deal with them. I begin to act out or try to hide them, but it's all just a cover for my fear of…of getting too close."

She swallowed painfully and inhaled deeply. Come on, Kaname. You can do this. "I've told you before about how close I was to my Mum? That before she died, there was no one I felt closer to?" Sousuke nodded, his full attention reigned upon her words. "I also told you about the problems I had when I got back to Japan right before she died?" Another nod. "I guess it's really only now I realise that they were part of the same thing.

"When someone is taken away from you, it's normal to feel devastated and to want to withdraw yourself from everyone. I'm sure you know what I mean. You lost both of your parents."

She saw a brief flash of some unidentified emotion cross his features. "I never knew them. I can't even remember anything about them." When her expression fell, he added, "But I have lost many whom I considered friends. I think I can sympathise to a certain extent." She needed support, not cold, hard logic.

Kaname rewarded him with a slight smile and gently squeezed his hand. "I've always been opinionated, and I started to exert myself even more after we moved to New York. Maybe it was the people there. Or maybe it was just me growing up. But I can see now that wasn't the only reason for the way I acted when I got back to Tokyo.

"We had just found out that the cancer was terminal. It was why we came back home. For years I've thought my old friends were treating me so badly because I had changed when I was away. I thought they didn't like the new me. But the person I was back then wasn't the real me."

She hesitated for a moment, thinking things through. Her realisation was coming clearer, but she feared her words were somewhat garbled. But he never interrupted her; he just sat patiently, allowing her to ponder things to herself. She'd trained him well. "My mother's death was the main reason for me changing. My friends wouldn't have bullied me just because I was more strong-willed. They did it because of the way I treated them. I withdrew myself. I treated them unfairly all because I was hurting inside. I…was pushing them away and they didn't like it. The more I acted out, the more they fought against me. In the end I just wanted to kill myself or something.

"By the time I had started high school, I'd calmed down again. I became the person I am today and found friends that I could trust. But…at the same time, I'll never let anyone get too close. I love them all. I love Kyouko. But I couldn't allow myself to care about someone as much as I had my mother. I keep them at a distance because I'm terrified of being hurt again, of turning back into that suicidal girl I used to be. It's hard enough losing a loved one, but to lose myself as well? I came so close to that before. I don't think I could survive it again."

"Is this why you won't tell anyone about us?" he asked softly. He tried to hide it, but the sadness in his voice was easy for her to perceive. "You don't want to become too close to me?"

She actually found the capacity to laugh at his worries - not in a hurtful way, but just because his words spoke volumes. He was so vulnerable and naïve when it came to his emotions. She loved his weaknesses--perhaps even more than she loved his strengths. "Sousuke, that already happened ages ago. For the longest time I tried to pretend that we weren't even friends. I couldn't keep that up for very long. But when you were called away from Tokyo, I realised I loved you. And now…" She drifted off for a moment before gazing into his eyes. "I care about you even more than I did my own mother."

Up until now her voice had maintained a greater strength than should have been possible. But that had begun to flee once more. Her voice quieted, and she felt the overwhelming need to cry settle over her once again. "That's why I couldn't tell anyone. The other barriers I'd tried to put up barely held up over those first few months we knew each other. Without realising it, I was terrified by that fact, so I built this wall between us. I'm not sure if I was hoping to destroy our relationship or just to slow things down… I still don't understand a lot of this stuff. I'm just…"

"You are frightened that perhaps I will leave you at some point," he continued for her, looking away.

His words brought it all back too her. She wiped the tears from her blood-shot eyes. "Mm-hmm. I know it sounds stupid, but I kind of feel that by dying my mum betrayed me. Maybe that's why I became so reckless, why I actually tried to start a fire at my old school-part of that whole 'whiny, disillusioned teenager' thing.

"…I don't want to be betrayed again. I know that you'd never do anything like that purposely, Sousuke, and that Mithril can't just pull you away from me now like they could have done in the past. But if something happened to you…I don't want to start thinking of you in that way. And I'm terrified of the fact I could start doing the same things I did back in junior high."

She took another break. These admissions were so emotionally draining. She'd barely had time to explain her feelings to herself, so driven to get to her love. If she just kept talking without somehow planning everything out, she'd be even more incoherent.

"What if we told everyone about us and then you went on a mission and something happened? No one would know the truth. I know it sounds so trivial, but what if they started to tease me about being dumped? I couldn't let ANYONE talk about you in that way, especially if you were..." She brushed away a stray tear. "I know that's the kind of thing that would start things off again. I'd argue back, I'd alienate them. In the end…all I can see is myself becoming that person again, and this time I know it wouldn't have a happy ending. I care about you so much that if you die…I die.

"I can't lose you, Sousuke. If I lose you…"

She pressed herself into him once more and resumed crying against his chest. He was still deathly silent, undoubtedly musing over his own thoughts. She'd placed a lot upon his already slumping shoulders. Like her, he just needed to think everything through. But regardless of all she'd said, he still had his arms around her.

She couldn't believe it; somehow, she felt comfortable despite an almost overwhelming sense of defencelessness. She just wanted to cry there with him, to let everything go. She felt so safe, like for the first time she could truly open up in front of someone and they wouldn't look down upon her for being weak. She didn't know why, but she actually felt… liberated.