Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Blind Obsession ❯ Uncomfortable Reconciliation ( Chapter 12 )

 

 

Blind Obsession

 

XII

 

Uncomfortable Reconciliation

 

 

It was a mild night—neither too cold nor too warm—and the city was quiet. It was normal at this hour for there to be so little activity, but Roy found it vaguely disturbing after the commotion of the day.

 

Walking slowly down the sidewalk, he thrust his hands deeper into his pockets and glanced up at the full moon. The street lamps dimmed the view of the stars, but the moon was bright tonight and couldn't be hidden.

 

Ed might never see that moon again...

 

“Damn...” he muttered to himself, then looked away from the heavens. He didn't want to think of the moon, didn't want to think of the stars, didn't want to think of all the things of beauty that this accident had taken away from Ed...

 

He didn't want to think about Ed.

 

But it was hard not to think about a person you had been having sex with for months; someone who you'd become attached to... Roy supposed it was normal that his mind would dwell on that person when there was trouble... Yes, it was normal. It was very normal, especially given what had just happened only an hour or so before.

 

Roy felt frustration well up within him. Kicking a pebble, he watched it bounce down the sidewalk and onto the road. He hadn't meant for any of this to happen! It wasn't as if he'd wanted to hurt Ed. It wasn't like he'd set out to make him feel bad or betrayed. Yet, that didn't stop him from feeling guilty and hurt. He could understand Ed's point of view, could understand why he was angry, but Ed had chosen to keep coming back to him! He'd never forced Ed to continue this relationship. In fact, Roy felt a little put out himself.

 

He'd been good to Ed. Or at least, Roy had felt like he had been when it came to their secret get-togethers. He'd made the meetings exciting and had often focused more on Ed than what he might have normally done for a lover. He'd also listened to Ed when he'd needed it. Didn't that count for something?

 

Evidently not...

 

He could still see Ed in his mind... His face and body language radiating hurt, betrayal, and anger.

 

When all of this had begun, Roy hadn't really considered the consequences. It was supposed to have been for fun. It was supposed to have been pleasurable. It was supposed to have been exciting. It was supposed to have been... well, not what it had turned out to be. But then, he'd been aware for some time that Ed finding out wouldn't produce any good results; yet, part of him had hoped that if Ed ever did find out, that they'd be able to continue on the way they had, that there would be no hard feelings.

 

It had been a stupid, naïve thought, and he'd known it. That was why he'd wanted to stop this by sending Ed away for a while. But he'd been too late; he'd held on for too long—been too greedy. He'd always believed there would be time to end what they'd had. He'd been immature and stupid.

 

Pulling out his watch, Roy checked the time—well after midnight—then sighed and began to trudge home instead of wandering aimlessly. He was exhausted and he would have to go back to the hospital in the morning to question the doctor about Ed's condition, and then he'd have to submit a report on it to General Hakuro... It wasn't something he looked forward to; especially since he had a good feeling he knew exactly how it would turn out for Ed.

 

Ed...

 

Roy swallowed hard and gripped the watch in his pocket tightly. He had the vague hope that sleep would bring him some respite from the visions of Ed his mind kept conjuring up. It hurt to remember the way Ed had reacted—the way his body had tensed and his lips tightened... the way his voice had radiated the ache he was so obviously feeling. But Roy had a feeling that sleep would probably just bring him more of the same...

 

It took him fifteen more minutes before he neared his home; and, when he did, Roy saw that someone was sitting on the steps to his porch—head hung low over long drawn up legs. As he approached, Roy recognized the tall and gangly figure of Alphonse Elric, then remembered that he'd meant to try calling the teen again. Well, at least one thing was going his way...

 

Opening the front gate made the hinges squeak, alerting Al to his presence. Slowly, the teen lifted his head; and, in the silvery light of the full moon, Roy could see the deep lines of worry etched in his face. Standing slowly, most likely stiff from sitting there for a long time, Al gave Roy a pitiful look that tore at his already wounded heart.

 

“Colonel... I heard, on the radio, about the accident...” He stopped, swallowed, then went on. “No one will give me any answers,” he said weakly. “And I don't know if brother made it home tonight or not. I can't get a hold of him...” Another swallow. “Please... Please tell me... Is my brother...? Is he...” His words trailed off into a grief-filled silence.

 

Roy searched the young man's face for a moment, knowing that there were several other people in the city who were looking for answers and who wouldn't get them until morning at the earliest. Opening his mouth to speak, Roy found that, once again, words were failing him. Talking about Ed right now was much more painful than he'd imagined.

 

Al's eyes widened and tears began to well up in his eyes as he took Roy's silence to mean the worst. “No...” The devastation rang clear in the still night air.

 

“No...” Roy said. “No, Ed isn't dead, but... he is one of the two that were wounded.” An exhalation of relief from Al followed his words, but the release was brief as he digested Roy's other statement.

 

“I went to the hospital a while ago, but the guards refused to let me pass... I... I need to see him, Colonel. I can't just... You don't understand,” he pleaded. “Brother and I...” Al looked away and said softly, “I can't believe no one would tell me anything, that no one would call me...”

 

“I called your work; they said you'd left early. I called yours and Ed's apartment many times, but no one answered,” Roy said, feeling a little defensive at Alphonse's quiet, accusing tone. He'd done his best to get a hold of him; and, besides, Al was lucky that he was getting the information at all. It had taken quite a bit of work on Roy's part to get permission to release that information to him.

 

At this, Al dropped his head and stared down at his feet. “I was at my girlfriend's place... I... I was moving my stuff over there until I could find a place of my own...”

 

“What?” Roy asked, surprised. He hadn't heard anything about Al moving out.

 

With a heavy sigh, Al glanced up at the moon with weary eyes. “Brother and I have been having a few... difficulties. We finally agreed that we should have our own places.”

 

Roy studied the young man before him for several moments, digesting what he'd just heard and remembering all that Ed had told him concerning his problems with Al. Finally, he walked over to him and folded his arms. Alphonse, much taller than his older brother, was at a height with Roy—actually taller by a slight bit—and it was easy for Roy to face him square on.

 

“You mean, the two of you had a fight,” Roy said, not bandying his words the way Al had. Tonight wasn't the night for beating around the bush or for pleasantries. Al flinched slightly, then brought his gaze from the moon to Roy.

 

“Did brother say something?” Al finally asked.

 

“I know Ed,” Roy said simply, not wanting to get sidetracked on a subject he didn't want to discuss. Alphonse seemed to think about that, then nodded slowly. “If I take you to him, what will you do?” Roy asked. He didn't want to do anything that would cause Ed more pain, and if they were just going to continue to fight, he'd refuse to help Al any further. It was the least he could do for Ed at the moment.

 

Al looked steadily into his eyes and said, “Colonel Mustang, I love my brother. Tonight, as I frantically tried to find any information about him, I could only imagine the worst. When I came here and found that you weren't home, I thought for sure that I'd lost him... I thought...” His voice caught slightly, but he continued on. “I thought that he had died and that the last thing he'd had to remember of me was our fight.”

 

He shook his head. “I couldn't bear the thought of brother dying without knowing how much I care, without knowing how sorry I am for...” he trailed off, and Roy knew that it wasn't his business to know just what Al was sorry for, so he didn't inquire any further.

 

“Please,” Al said softly. “I need to see him. Will you take me to him?”

 

Roy searched Al's face, trying to decide if it would really be a good thing to do. He saw Ed in his mind; saw him alone in that cold sterile room; then, finally, he nodded. Ed needed someone with him, and perhaps this would be the best time for the two brothers to regain something they'd lost between them. He almost felt jealous.

 

Almost.

 

Turning, he waved a hand for Al to follow and started the walk back to the hospital. Neither of them spoke on the way, but when Roy had cleared it with the guards to let Al pass, he turned to the teen and said, “Will you tell Ed...” he trailed off, not exactly sure what he wanted Al to tell him. That he was sorry? It sounded so pathetically hollow.

 

“Colonel?” Al asked when he didn't speak.

 

Shaking his head, Roy murmured, “Nothing. Never mind.” When Al opened his mouth to speak, Roy shook his head again and turned to go. He was far too tired to trust himself to say anything even remotely intelligent. A good night sleep would clear his head; and maybe by then he would have come up with a good defense for himself by the time he and Ed talked again.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Ed's mind slowly clawed its way into consciousness. He tried to force sleep to stay, but it slipped by him and he finally had to admit to himself that he was awake. It didn't take long for memories of his confrontation with Mustang to assault him and he wondered if they'd be able to give him something to knock him out again. He didn't want to remember what had happened, didn't want to feel the pain, didn't want to admit how stupid he'd been with every damn thing in his life.

 

Then, a sound caught his ears and he stiffened. There was someone else in the room with him. “Who's there?” he demanded, his voice weak and shaky. Ed just hoped that whoever was there didn't catch the unsteadiness. He didn't want pity, and he didn't want to answer any questions.

 

“It's me, brother...” Al's voice was soft and nervous, but its sound echoed loudly in Ed's ears and he felt a tingle of elation tingle through his body. Al was here! He hadn't forgotten him!

 

A sudden lump formed in Ed's throat, and for a moment he couldn't speak, but he finally whispered, “Al...?”

 

“I'm here,” Al said, then a scraping sound told Ed that Al was scooting a chair closer to his bed.

 

“I thought...” Ed choked, overcome with gratefulness that Al was here, but also awash with worry that perhaps there might be some leftover anger from the previous day.

 

“You thought I wouldn't come...” Alphonse murmured. “You thought I was still mad...” Ed nodded, not trusting himself to speak. There was a sigh, then, “I didn't even find out until hours after it happened. I... I was busy moving my stuff out... But when I found out what happened at the lab I was so worried! The military hasn't released the names of those who died and who were injured to the public, and when I found that you hadn't come back to the apartment, I thought—” His voice cut off in a strangled choke.

 

There was a long moment of silence from Al, but Ed didn't dare speak. He didn't want to interrupt whatever train of thought Al was riding. “No one with the military could tell me anything because it was classified. They all said I had to talk with Colonel Mustang.” At the sound of Mustang's name, Ed felt a flash of hurt and fury, and clenched his fists to keep the anger from exploding out of him.

 

“I even tried to come to the hospital to get information, but they wouldn't even let me inside!” A sigh. “Well... since I knew the colonel wasn't at the office—I'd tried to call him there—I decided to go to his home. I just sat outside until he showed up. It was past midnight by then, but I didn't care. I'd wait all night if I had to...”

 

Ed nodded. He would have done the same. “So, the bastard told you I was alive?” Ed asked, his voice full of the burning resentment that he felt.

 

“Yeah,” Al affirmed. “He walked with me to the hospital so that I could be cleared to come see you.” There was a pause, then, “He wanted me to tell you something...”

 

`Not interested' was on the tip of his tongue, but curiosity got the better of him and he asked, “What?”

 

“I don't know...” Al said thoughtfully. “He stopped himself, but something about his tone really... I don't know... It just seemed like he was going to say something really important. I thought you might have an idea what it could have been.”

 

“Don't know; don't care,” Ed muttered. There was nothing Mustang could say that Ed was interested in right now. At least, that's what he told himself. He knew there was a part of him that did care... that cared very much. It was that part of him that felt the most hurt and betrayal from this whole situation.

 

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. There was so much between him and Al that had yet to be resolved... Ed tried to think of something to say that wouldn't start a fight, but before he could settle on something, Al spoke.

 

“Brother...” His tone was slow and reluctant, but he didn't stop, no matter how uncomfortable thought he sounded. “I wanted to apologize to you...”

 

“For what?” Ed asked in a wary murmur. He felt relief that the silence was being filled, but worried and nervous at the same time. He didn't want to get into another fight, and he especially didn't want to chance pissing Al off and having him leave. Being alone right now was something Ed really didn't want. Addressing the issues face on was also an uncomfortable thought, and he had a feeling that's what Al was about to do.

 

“For not talking to you about... well, you know...” There was no mistaking the embarrassment in his tone.

 

“You mean for going out and fucking as much pussy as you could get and then not telling me about it?” Ed asked tactlessly.

 

“Well, that's one way to put it,” Al said, obviously a little put off by Ed's vulgarity.

 

Ed shrugged. “I'm not going to say it all nice and proper, Al. I'm not that type of person, you know that.”

 

“Well, yeah, anyway,” Al said, letting it pass in favor of what really mattered. “I'm sorry. But, you know, I did want to talk to you about it.”

 

“Really,” Ed said flatly, beginning to feel some old irritation flare up. He lifted his hand to scratch at an itch near his eye before he realized what he was doing and put his hand back down. No scratching the injured areas no matter how much they itched or burned. Unfortunately, that only added to his frustration.

 

“Why do you think I kept trying to get you to go out on double dates with me?” Al asked as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. He must have sensed Ed's confusion because he added, “I wanted some sort of common ground to bring up the subject!” He sounded exasperated that Ed didn't seem to get the significance of the situation.

 

“I still don't get it,” Ed said. “We've always been able to just talk about anything. Why did it have to be so complicated?”

 

“Exactly how was I supposed to bring the subject up?” Al asked reprovingly, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

 

Ed thought about it, but every idea he had seemed lame and juvenile. Then, of course, he'd had his own sexual secrets, and he knew it would have been much too embarrassing to bring them up with Al, or with anyone for that matter. Ed felt blood rush to his cheeks, and said, “Okay, you have a point...”

 

“I wanted to talk to you about girls and sex and all of that, but I didn't know how to bring it up any other way. I thought if you were dating someone too, then we'd be able to talk about it with no problems, but...”

 

“But I was an asshole and refused to cooperate,” Ed put in.

 

“Well...”

 

“I was. Admit it.”

 

There was a low laugh. “Okay, you were... less than cooperative,” Al conceded, then his voice took on a more serious note. “But then, you started staying out late and you'd come home with marks on your neck and... well, I guess I felt a little cheated.”

 

Ed felt regret squeeze at his heart. If he hadn't been so secretive then maybe some of the tension between him and Al could have been avoided. “Why didn't you try to talk to me about sex when you noticed that stuff?” But he knew the answer to that even before Al said it.

 

“Every time I brought it up you got all defensive. It was really frustrating, and... it made me mad. I was angry that you were hiding what you were doing.”

 

Ed finally gave in to the itch and rubbed lightly at the bandage close to the main itch, trying to avoid the area directly, then said quietly, “I didn't know what you'd think of me... I didn't want you to think bad about me...”

 

“I wouldn't have judged you,” Al pressed.

 

Wouldn't you have? Ed questioned silently. He still had so many secrets that Al didn't know. His brother thought he'd been sneaking around with a woman, but what would he say if he knew Ed had been fucking with a man, and one that he didn't even know—or at least, one that he hadn't known that he knew... Ed frowned angrily. What would Al think if he knew that he'd been letting Roy Mustang use him like some common whore? The thought was enough to inflame his previous rage at the man and he suddenly wished Mustang were here now so that he could beat him to a pulp. With an effort, Ed tried to concentrate on the matter at hand.

 

“I'm... I'm sorry...” Ed said quietly. “I guess I was so afraid of you hating me that I pushed you away without thinking... And, well, I was mad at you too,” he confessed. “I thought you were a hypocrite because you wanted me to talk to you, but then you weren't willing to talk to me when I knew you were screwing around.”

 

“How did you know...?” Al asked, his voice curious and probing.

 

Feeling suddenly uncomfortable, Ed began to pick at his blankets. “Does it really matter?” he asked self-consciously.

 

A moment of silence, then Al said slowly, “I don't know, does it?” Ed could feel his face heat and he sat up and groped around for the tray beside his bed that held a cup of water. He felt the cup pushed into his hand and he muttered a quick “thanks” before slowly sipping at the tepid liquid.

 

“Ed...?” Al asked, sounding more than a little suspicious.

 

The internal struggle of whether he should tell or not raged within him like a fierce tempest. Finally, with slow deliberation, Ed set the cup down and rested his hands in his lap. Hanging his head as if to look at them, despite not being able to see, Ed finally spoke.

 

“Al, you know I'm not exactly the most... refined... person that ever lived, right?”

 

“That a trick question?” Al asked, and Ed thought he could hear a smirk in the tone.

 

Taking a deep breath, Ed plunged in. “Okay well, um... One night, I was actually... sort of... in the closet...” Saying it out loud to Al made him feel really stupid, and he quickly added, “Don't ask why. But anyway, I was in the closet and you came home with some girl and put the moves on her and I... um... well, I eh... Well, you know the closet doors have those slits in them, and the two of you weren't exactly quiet!” His voice raised in pitch as he neared the end of the sentence. Quickly, he reached for the cup again and took another drink, hoping it would keep his burning face out of Al's view.

 

“You watched...?” Al asked, sounding only slightly embarrassed; not quite the humiliated tone he'd thought he would hear.

 

“Well...” He fiddled with the cup in his hands. It was one thing to talk about this with someone you were fucking; it was another to talk about it with your younger brother...

 

Al's next question caught him off guard. “Where did we do it?”

 

“What?” Ed asked, surprised at the question.

 

“You don't think I've only ever brought one girl home do you? I want to narrow it down a little.”

 

If Ed could have, he would have blinked in shock, but instead he simply said, “My bed.”

 

A moment of silence, then, “Okay. I think I know who it was.” A pause, then Al asked slowly, “Did you like it?”

 

“What?!” Ed choked. “What do you mean by that?!”

 

“You said you watched...” Al said, sounding a little hesitant, but also eager. “Did you like watching? Was it your first time watching someone have sex before?”

 

Ed opened his mouth, but shock kept his words from coming out right away. Al—his younger brother—was asking him if he liked watching him and his date do the nasty?! What was he supposed to say? `Hell yeah it was hot stuff. Could you please fuck someone on my bed again while I watch'?

 

“Al, I can't talk about this with you,” he finally confessed.

 

“Why not?” Al asked, sounding disappointed.

 

“Because!” Ed practically squeaked. “You're my `pure' younger brother who is polite and proper and when you get married, you'll still believe babies are brought by the stork,” Ed said in a rush; still not believing that they were having this conversation.

 

There was a sound of exasperation, then, “I'm not a child anymore, brother. Just because I don't like vulgarity and I like to be polite, doesn't mean that I'm naïve. Now that we've broached the subject, I want to talk about it. I'm not as sensitive as you seem to think I am; I grew up around you after all.” Ed considered that for a while, and when he'd been silent too long, Al said, “I can handle more than you seem to think I can.”

 

“You're sure?” Ed asked hesitantly. “I don't want to embarrass you or make you hate me or anything...”

 

“You won't,” Al promised, practically begging. “You've always been my best friend as well as my brother. I want to be able to talk to you about everything.”

 

`Everything' had never encompassed something so embarrassing before. Ed considered it for a moment, thinking about the pros and cons, wondering if this was really a good idea. But, Al wanted it, and Ed... well, it wasn't that he didn't want to talk about this kind of stuff with Al, but... it was Al!

 

Finally, Ed took a deep breath and nodded. If it would make things better between them, then perhaps it wasn't such a big deal... “Okay. Yeah, I watched you and... I sort of liked it.” He thought it was fucking hot—minus the part about it being his own brother, he wasn't into that sort of thing—but Ed supposed that might be a little too much information. “I mean, you're my brother and all, so that was a little bit strange.”

 

He paused, then decided that if Al wanted the whole truth, then he'd give it to him. “I was in the closet looking at some magazines when you came in. Jerking off to you and that girl was better than looking at still pictures.”

 

Ed swallowed, trying to push the residue embarrassment away. He was so glad he couldn't see Al's face at this moment because if he could, Ed wasn't sure he really would have been able to say what he just had.

 

When Al didn't say anything, Ed began to worry a little. Had had he said too much? “You still here?”

 

“Yeah... I just... wow, I didn't expect that much honesty...” Al admitted, sounding surprised.

 

“I can be less honest—” Ed began, but was cut off by Al's protest.

 

“No! No... I want you to tell me everything...” A pause, then, “So... tell me about your mystery woman...” At that, Ed's mood dropped. He didn't want to talk about that. It was something that was still too raw and painful. “Brother, please,” Al pressed. “Please don't keep this from me...”

 

Talk or don't talk... If he talked about it right now, Ed wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle the pain. But if he didn't say something, Al might think he wasn't willing to be open with him, which could turn ugly...

 

With a sigh of resignation, Ed said wearily, “What makes you think I was out with a woman?”

 

“How stupid do you think I am?” Al answered, sounding a little irritated. “I know what those marks on your neck were from, and when you combine that with being out late at night—”

 

“You're not listening to me,” Ed said, cutting his brother off. “I said, `What makes you think I was out with a woman'.” He pressed his lips together tightly, waiting for the surprise—waiting for the shock and revulsion that would surely be the result of this confession.

 

“I know what you—oh...” Al's voice trailed off as if he just barely caught what Ed was saying. There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence, then, “Oh... oh wow. Um... well...” The shock and surprise... Ed felt a lump in his throat as he waited for the disgust. “I never would have guessed...” Al stuttered.

 

Another long silence filled the room and Ed dropped his head again, feeling a little sick that he'd just shared that much with his brother. Nervousness built within him as he wondered what Al would say next.

 

“So...” Al finally said, and Ed waited in anxious silence for the condemnation. “Tell me about your mystery... man...” And that was it. No disapproval, no disgust, simply surprise and a note of curiosity. Ed wasn't sure if he felt relief or disbelief that Al would take it that well.

 

With a sigh, Ed set the cup back down on the tray, laid down, and pulled the covers up around his neck. Now that the question—fully realized by Al—had been asked, Ed found himself more reluctant than ever to talk about it.

 

“It's sort of a long story,” Ed said quietly. “And I really don't want to talk about it all right now, but basically there really isn't much to say. We fucked for months and I never knew who the guy was. I never even saw him because I used a blindfold.” He shook his head. “There wasn't anything between us. It was just sex.”

 

Ed was surprised how much it hurt to say that out loud. He'd invested so much time and energy into those meetings; he'd really felt like they had some sort of a connection. But it had all been a lie. All of it... Just a lie...

 

“I'm sorry...” Al said, and Ed wondered if he'd heard the pain in his tone. “We don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to.”

 

“I don't. Maybe another time, okay?” Ed said, wondering if he really would ever talk to Al about it.

 

The two of them were silent for a long time, and Ed wondered what Al was doing. Was he just sitting there looking straight forward? Probably not. Was he staring at Ed? He hoped not... Damn, just the thought made him uncomfortable. Did he have a book or a magazine on his lap that he'd been reading before Ed woke up? It was possible...

 

It was just so frustrating that he didn't know. He hadn't realized just how much he'd had—how important his sight was—until it was gone. It had always been there and he'd just taken it for granted... Just like Al...

 

Breaking the silence, Ed said quietly, “Al... I... I didn't mean what I said before I left. I didn't mean that I really never wanted to see you again...” He felt so horrible for having ever said that because not only had it not been true, but it had literally happened.

 

“I know, brother,” Al said, and suddenly Ed felt his brother's hand on his. He gripped it tightly, hoping Al could feel how much he meant his apology. Giving a wan smile, Ed shook his head.

 

“But now I can't see you at all. I don't know what you're doing, I don't know how you're sitting, or what clothes you're wearing, or if your hair is combed, or any of the other stupid little things...” He paused, feeling a little overcome with loss. “I wish I could just look at you and know all of that,” he whispered. A pause, then, “I don't want you to move out... Please don't leave me... I...” His voice caught and he swallowed hard. He felt so low right now. He had no right to ask this of Al, not after what he'd said, not after how he'd been acting. But Ed couldn't help but feel a little selfish right now. “I'd really like you to keep living with me; at least for a while longer... Please...?”

Al squeezed his hand tightly. “I understand,” he returned softly. “I don't really want to go either.”

 

And that was it. All the words had been said, all the truths told and the secrets revealed. Apologies had been made and accepted, and they'd made their peace. The silence that lay between them was now a comfortable one—and Ed realized that was something that hadn't happened in a long time.

 

—

 

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