Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Descent ❯ Disarray ( Chapter 34 )

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Descent

 

Chapter Thirty-Four

 

Disarray

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When the train came to a halt, Ed stood up, stretched, and grabbed his suitcase. He paused and looked down at it. Not his suitcase...Roy's suitcase... it was Roy's suitcase and he'd be seeing him today... Ed rubbed his thumb over the suitcase handle and he thought he could almost feel it. Of course he couldn't. Even if he hadn't been wearing gloves, he was gripping it in his automail hand.

 

“Sir?”

 

Ed looked up to see a private watching him. The private, a tall, thin brunet in his early twenties, snapped a sharp salute when Ed glanced up at him. Ed rolled his eyes and waved his hand. “Yeah, yeah, enough of that. What do you want?”

 

With the threat of Colonel Mustang being involved, Colonel Olsen had gotten Ed on a train within thirty minutes of their meeting. Not only that, but the train operators had instructions to get him to Central as quickly as possible. That meant the train went faster than normal, plus there were no stops. Besides the three privates sent to accompany him, Ed was the only passenger.

 

“Sir, we've stopped,” the private said, stiffly bringing his hand out of the salute.

 

Ed shifted his grip on the suitcase, raised an eye brow, and gave the private a bland look. “You think?”

 

“Eh... I mean...” the brunet stammered, an embarrassed blush creeping into his cheeks. “We've arrived in Central.” To this, Ed simply nodded. It wasn't the private's fault he was so cranky, and it really wouldn't be fair to take it out on him. “Would you like us to call you a car, sir?”

 

“No, I can walk,” he said. It would give him a little more time to think before he had to face Roy. He slipped past the private to get off the train. At this time of the morning, Central Station wasn't very busy. A few people were sitting on benches, reading newspapers as they waited for their trains, and a few mothers hushed their children, but other than that...

 

No, of course... It suddenly hit him that it wasn't just the time of day that had resulted in such a sparse group of travelers, but the fact that people must not really have anywhere to go. The East was off-limits to civilians now with the rebellion going on there, and if what happened in Dublith was any indicator, it must be getting difficult to travel anywhere else as well.

 

Pushing those thoughts aside, Ed exited the station and started toward home. He frowned. Was it still home to him, or should he be finding somewhere else to live? It was Roy's apartment...

 

Ed stopped, set the suitcase down and shrugged off his coat before draping it over one arm. It wasn't as hot in Central as it was in Dublith, and it was still early morning, but the weather was warm enough that he felt uncomfortable wearing both the military uniform and the heavy overcoat.

 

Pulling out a cigarette, Ed lit it, and started walking again. He tried to imagine what kind of reaction Mustang would have to his return. Would he be angry? He'd been gone a long time, and he hadn't called once. Maybe he'd still be upset from the fight they'd had...

 

Ed hurried across a street and turned left. Perhaps it would be presumptuous to act like he was coming back to live. Maybe he should just say he was coming by to pick up his stuff and drop Roy's suitcase off. At that, he grimaced, wondering if Roy would be upset that he'd taken the suitcase without asking...

 

At the corner, Ed flicked the cigarette away and turned right. His heart beat more quickly as he realized he was almost there. The moment was here and he wasn't ready at all. Maybe he should just apologize. Part of him just wanted to make it all better so they could go on how they were, but he wasn't sure if that would work either...

 

Ed slowed as he neared Roy's front door, then stopped in front of it. He stared at it and wondered if he should knock or just go in. After several minutes of internal debate, Ed decided to knock. He knocked numerous times, but after no answer tried the doorknob. It was locked. He frowned. Had Roy already gone to work? It was a little early even for him...

 

Fishing his keys out of his pocket, Ed unlocked the door and let himself inside. He set his coat and suitcase down and glanced around before heading back to the bedroom. Roy was probably still in bed, Ed decided, but when he looked into the bedroom, there was no one there.

 

Ed frowned and tapped his fingers against his leg. Maybe Roy really had already gone into work... He walked into the room and sat down on the bed, letting his gaze fall on the nightstand. An almost empty bottle sat there and beside it was that damn picture Roy had talked him into posing for. He picked it up and stared at it with a small smirk. Roy had been pretty drunk that night, and he'd insisted he had to have a picture of Ed naked. Ed, on his part, refused to be photographed in the nude. They'd finally come to a compromise that Ed would wear one of Roy's work shirts, but it had still been embarrassing.

 

He set the picture down and lay back on the bed so that he was staring at the ceiling. Should he just wait here for Roy to get home? He didn't relish the thought of meeting up at the office, but Roy had a habit of working late and if he waited, then it could be tomorrow morning before he saw him.

 

With a sigh, Ed reached over and grabbed Roy's pillow. He held it close and breathed in deeply. He missed that smell... missed Roy. “I'm so pathetic...” he whispered to himself. He felt stupid, feeling this way, but he couldn't help it. Now that he was back he just wanted to be with Roy. He wanted to lie next to him and feel his warm body against his. He wanted to touch him and be touched. He wanted to talk to him, or even just be in the same room as him

 

Ed tightened his grip on the pillow and closed his eyes. He was exhausted from the trip and sleep was very attractive right now, but he wanted to see Roy and he didn't want to wait until tonight or tomorrow... Throwing the pillow aside, Ed stood up and rubbed at his eyes.

 

With a yawn, Ed headed toward the front door. So he might have to hide his feelings for Roy at headquarters, but at least he could see him. Ed let himself out and quickly started for the main military building in Central. He hadn't realized just how much he'd really missed his lover until that moment. So they had some things to work out. Ed supposed they could live with that, but he didn't want it to be over, and he didn't want to fight anymore. He'd wasted so much time worrying and wondering...

 

When he reached Central Headquarters, Ed walked down the sidewalk that went through the grass. There was shrubbery on each side of the walk and trees dotted the grounds. He slowed slightly when he saw Havoc sitting under one of the trees, staring in his direction with a cigarette in his mouth.

 

Ed waved and frowned when the tall man simply sat there, not responding to Ed's greeting at all, but he didn't give it much thought. Most likely the man had been dumped by yet another girlfriend. Sitting in a daze with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth was generally how Havoc dealt with things. Depending on the depth of the relationship, Havoc might be just fine later in the day or it could take all the way until tomorrow. Either way, Ed dismissed it.

 

He opened one of the large glass doors and let himself into the building. Crossing the wide foyer, Ed pushed the button on the elevator and waited impatiently. Just as the doors opened, two female soldiers walked up behind him and entered the elevator with him.

 

“I just can't believe something like that happened!” one of the women, a blonde corporal said.

 

The other, a dark-haired specialist nodded. “Oh, I know. It's just terrible. They're both just so shaken up about it too.”

 

“Yeah, I saw him out there. I think I'd be the same way if I'd seen something like that,” the first said.

 

“Well, I think he's taking it better than she is. I heard she is on sick leave. They say after the medical personnel took him away, she broke down and just sobbed for, like, ever.”

 

“Wow... I mean... she just isn't the type,” the blonde said in disbelief.

 

“I know...”

 

“So, do they know who did it?”

 

The dark-haired woman shook her head. “The military police have been all over this one. They're up there right now too. That Douglas is determined to solve this case.” She paused as the doors opened and they walked out. “If you ask me, it's pretty strange, I mean, everyone knows they hated each...” Whatever else she was saying was blocked by the elevator doors closing.

 

Ed sighed. Women were so gossipy. He was glad Hawkeye wasn't like that. He wondered idly what they could be talking about. He'd met Colonel Douglas before and hadn't been too impressed with the man. In fact, it seemed that most people didn't like him. Mustang especially didn't get along with him...

 

The elevator opened again and he stepped out and started toward Mustang's office. After turning down a hallway to his left, he stopped suddenly when he saw three military police officers talking with Lieutenant Breda. The red-haired man was shaking his head and talking animatedly to one of the MPs.

 

What's going on...? Ed thought in confusion, though his heart began to beat wildly in his chest. When Breda noticed Ed's presence, he beckoned to Ed and excused himself from the other three men.

 

“Ed...” Breda said, a heavy note of worry in his voice.

 

“What's going on?” Ed asked, trying to keep his voice under control, but failing miserably.

 

“Ed, let's go downstairs and talk...” the lieutenant said, grabbing a hold of Ed's arm and trying to steer Ed back the way he'd come, but Ed shook him off and started quickly for the open door to Mustang's office. Fear gripped his heart causing a suffocating sensation in his chest. He pushed aside the nagging feeling that something was wrong, that something just wasn't right. He told himself that there had to be a logical, and very normal, reason for the military police to be here. Maybe Roy had a meeting... yeah that had to be it... a meeting...

 

“I'm sorry, sir,” one of the military police said, stepping in front of Ed. “Only those associated with the investigation are allowed on the scene.”

 

“Ed, come with me,” he heard Breda saying behind him, and he felt another tug on his arm.

 

He blinked at the man in front of him. A logical reason. Something perfectly normal. Nothing to do with the strange gossip from the two women... Without conscious thought, Ed pushed past the man. Roy was in there, he thought desperately. He was... the pompous man would be sitting at his desk like he always was and he'd have some smart quip about Ed not following orders...

 

When he felt himself constrained again, he turned to see both Breda and the MP holding onto him. Gritting his teeth together, Ed yanked his automail arm out of Breda's grip and as he pulled his flesh arm from the MP he pushed the man back. When he was free, Ed rushed to the doorway of Roy's office. What he saw made his blood turn to ice within him.

 

A group of MPs were looking at papers and comparing notes. A few were talking with Colonel Douglas about something and in the back of the office... In the back... the window was broken, but it had been covered by paper to keep the wind out. The area around Roy's desk was blocked off by police tape and the carpet under the window, by the desk… it was littered with shards of glass and soaked with blood.

 

No... his mind cried and he blinked again trying to keep the blurriness that was suddenly coming to his eyes at bay. Ed shook his head. He didn't want to believe it—couldn't believe it. It wasn't real. It wasn't... He heard Douglas's voice asking him what he was doing there and to get out, but he couldn't concentrate on it.

 

“No...” he whispered and finally a tear escaped his eye, trickling slowly down his cheek.

 

“Ed...” Breda said gently and again he felt a hand on his arm. Panic and despair welled up within him. Roy wasn't dead! He was alive! Nothing could happen to him. He was... He was the Flame Alchemist!

 

“NO!” he screamed, and turned around to face the man. “What happened!? Where is he!?”

 

“Get him out of here!” he heard Douglas yelling.

 

At the same time, Breda said calmly, as if he were talking to a child, “Ed, let's go talk about this somewhere else, alright?”

 

“NO!” he shouted again, barely able to contain himself. “Where is he? Where is Roy?” He'd not dead. He's not. He's fine. Ed glanced at the blood. That's just... That's just someone else's blood... But the more he tried to convince himself, the more he felt alarm and fear rise up inside of him because he wouldn't be trying to convince himself if he really didn't believe... At that thought, the world seemed to be swimming before him and spinning at the same time. He felt dizzy and thought he would throw up.

 

Hands grabbed him and he felt himself being pulled out of the office. He half growled, half sobbed, as he turned to see that he was being pulled out by three MPs and Breda. “Let me go!” he screamed and fought against them, but it was no use. When they had him out in the hallway, Douglas walked out and shut the door behind him.

 

“This is why children shouldn't be let into the military,” the man said calmly.

 

“FUCK YOU!” Ed screamed and struggled against the men holding him. He felt angry at them. It was good to be angry. It was good not to feel the pain, because he just couldn't handle it. “Where is he?!”

 

“You are not privy to that information, Fullmetal.”

 

He let out a scream of rage and felt hot tears flowing down his cheeks. “You mother-fucking son-of-a-bitch! Where is Roy? Is he okay? Tell me right now!”

 

“Edward...” Breda said in a warning tone. Ed glanced at him, then back to Douglas. “Let's go downstairs...” the man coaxed and signaled to the MPs, who let him go. With a sob of frustration, helplessness, and despair, Ed brushed past Breda and ran down the hallway toward the stairs.

 

He wasn't dead! He wasn't... He couldn't be...

 

Ed rushed down the stairs, through the foyer, and out of the military building. He looked around, but the world was a blur as he tried to figure out where he was and where he was going. Blindly choosing a direction, Ed ran, trying to escape a pain he hadn't felt since his mother died.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Heymans Breda watched Ed run off with a frown on his face, then turned to Colonel Douglas who said, “I want that little fuck to stay out of my way. This is my case, and I won't have him sticking his nose in where it doesn't belong.”

 

Heymans nodded. Edward Elric had a reputation for getting involved with things that had nothing to do with him, and had a potential for problems more than almost any other person he'd ever met.

 

Colonel Douglas was quiet for a moment, then said, “I'm almost shocked he's so upset about this. My impression was that they didn't like each other.” The colonel's voice held a suspicious note in it, and Heymans cringed inwardly. Douglas was a suspicious person by nature, but he was also very shrewd and observant which served him well in his position as a military police officer.

 

“Yeah, well, they've gotten along alight in the last few months. I think it's just the fact that it happened at all that bothered him. He's pretty sensitive to things like that,” Heymans said. His frown deepened and he glanced once more the way Ed had gone.

 

It was true that the colonel and Ed had been getting along, but he'd attributed it to the fact that Ed was getting older and maturing, not to mention the fact that Mustang had been renting his couch out to the kid, but now...

 

Now, Heymans felt a little suspicious himself. Ed did seem a little more upset than he'd expected, and then there was the fact that he'd called the colonel by his first name... He knew that the colonel and Hawkeye had known each other for a long time, but even then, he'd only heard her call him by his given name a handful of times, and never while on duty.

 

Heymans might have just said that it was the shock that had prompted Ed to call the colonel by his first name, but that wouldn't make sense unless Ed was already calling him `Roy'.

 

“It's very convenient,” he heard Douglas say, and turned to look at him.

 

“Sir?”

 

“That Fullmetal would just happen to show up almost right after this happened.”

 

“He's been away,” Heymans said, thinking he knew where the colonel was going with this train of thought.

 

Douglas grunted. “We'll see. Be sure to keep an eye on him. I want him available for questioning later.”

 

“Yes, sir,” Heymans said and watched as the man went back into Mustang's office.

 

Heymans turned down the hall and started walking. Oh, yes... he'd keep an eye on Ed, but not because Douglas had told him to. It would be too easy to dismiss what he'd just witnessed, but he couldn't. With both Hawkeye and Havoc dealing with the shock of what had happened, he needed to keep things in line.

 

He turned the corner and saw Falman walking toward him. They both stopped walking and Heymans said, “I'm thinking about getting food at that one place that I like to go to, do you want to come?”

 

Falman nodded at the coded question about whether he'd found anything and wanted to meet to discuss it. “Actually, I'm a little busy today, perhaps another day?”

 

Now it was Heymans' turn to nod. It seemed Falman still hadn't found anything. “Maybe tomorrow, then?” he asked.

 

“It's possible.”

 

Heymans paused for a moment as his thoughts turned back to Ed. Something wasn't right, and he had a feeling—not a good one either—that he might have an idea why Ed had reacted the way he had. He hoped he was wrong. If he was right, things could get complicated quickly if the wrong people found out...

 

“I just saw Ed,” Heymans said after a minute. When Falman silently raised an eyebrow, Heymans said, “He just found out. Didn't take it too well either.” Breda folded his arms and frowned deeply. If he was right about Ed, then getting the kid to do what he wanted could be tough. He waved a hand and starting walking away. With a deep sigh, he pushed the button to summon the elevator. He really hoped he was wrong...

 

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Ed threw himself onto the bed. After he'd left headquarters, he'd run as hard and as fast as he could. He hadn't originally intended on coming back to Roy's place; in fact, he hadn't even thought about where he was going, but he'd ended up there just the same, and he was glad that he had.

 

Grabbing Roy's pillow, Ed held it to his chest, buried his head into it and started to sob uncontrollably. His mind couldn't seem to understand that Roy really could be dead. It was all such a shock! Ed had believed he'd come home to some strangeness between him and Roy, and perhaps an argument, but...

 

Why did these things always seem to happen to him? Why couldn't he just be happy? Why didn't the stupid man just tell him what the hell was going on so Ed could protect him? Why? Why? Why? There were so many questions that filled his mind, and he had no answers to them.

 

After a while, he didn't know how long, Ed flung the pillow across the room, rolled onto his back, and laid an arm over his wet eyes. Small sobs fought their way out of his exhausted body.

 

Ed felt like such a child. Even after telling Fletcher all that shit about death being part of the circle, he couldn't manage to look at Roy's death so objectively. It was so close, so personal... The thought of never seeing Roy again created a physical pain in his chest that seemed to spread throughout his whole body. He wanted Roy to be there, to hold him, to kiss him, to say that everything would be fine...

 

With an effort, Ed got up, pulled off his military jacket and headed toward the closet. When he opened the door, he stared blankly at Roy's other `everyday' military jacket, then glanced to where the man's dress uniform hung.

 

Again tears pricked at his eyes as he imagined Roy in each. With tears running silently down his cheeks, Ed hung his jacket up and pulled Roy's down before putting it on. It was much too large for him, but Ed didn't care.

 

Ed headed back to the bed and sat down heavily. In slow, weighty movements, he pulled off his boots before lying down on the bed, and curling up in the too-large jacket. He closed his eyes and imagined that it was Roy who was holding him. He imagined warm arms encircling him, and even thought he could feel warm breath on his neck. But no matter how good his imagination was, Ed knew in his heart that it wasn't Roy holding him. The only thing that held him now was loneliness; terrible and cold in its emptiness.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Heymans glanced down at the paper in his hand, then knocked on the door. This was the right place... After about a minute, he knocked again. After knocking four times, Heymans gave a heavy sigh. He could go away and come back another time, or he could just let himself inside.

 

He was sure that the colonel wouldn't appreciate him just coming into his apartment, but if Ed was there, then they needed to talk—and the sooner the better. Pressing his lips together, Heymans reached out and tried the door knob. It was unlocked. Feeling quite uncomfortable, both with letting himself into someone else's house as well as the impending conversation with Ed, Heymans shut the door behind him and called out, “Hello? Ed? You here?”

 

Heymans glanced down at his feet and saw a suitcase and a military trench coat. He glanced over at the couch and frowned. It didn't exactly look like a spot where someone was making their bed... Then again, Ed had been gone for a little over a month, and had just returned, so... He shook his head and started for the hallway. He'd hold judgment until he knew for sure. That just wasn't something you accused someone of lightly...

 

“Ed?” he called again, and glanced both ways down the hallway. One way led to a bathroom and it was dark in there, so he turned the other way and saw an open door. Hesitantly, he started for the door, and when he got there, Heymans glanced inside and let his breath out at what he saw.

 

Ed was lying on a large bed. He was dressed in his military pants, and had the colonel's military jacket wrapped around him. Heymans let out a frustrated and disappointed sigh. He had so hoped he was wrong...

 

Walking into the bedroom, he said quietly, “Ed?”

 

The teen moved slightly and muttered, “Go away...”

 

That was just what Heymans wanted to do; just go away and forget about everything, it would be the easiest thing. He wanted to, but he couldn't.

 

“We need to talk,” Heymans said, and stopped when he got near the head of the bed. Glancing over to the nightstand, Heymans frowned deeply at the almost empty bottle of liquor and the very promiscuous picture of Ed in the colonel's work shirt.

 

Now it wasn't just his suspicions.

 

Now he had proof.

 

He didn't want to believe it. Why would the colonel have an affair with Ed, of all people? Ed was... well, he was a guy for one thing, and much too young for another. Hell, he was a fucking child! What was the colonel thinking?! Heymans couldn't even begin to guess. The man could have almost any woman he wanted, and he decides to screw around with Edward Elric.

 

Heymans ran his fingers through his short, red hair. This was so dangerous... Why would the colonel risk everything like this? If the wrong people found out...if anyone found out... He had so many questions, but no answers. Closing his eyes, Heymans took in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “Ed, we've gotta talk,” he repeated.

 

“I can't...” the teen whimpered quietly.

 

Heymans looked down at the boy and felt a flash of sympathy for him. Though Ed was legally an adult, he was still just a child compared to the rest of them. He wouldn't have the experiences and knowledge that the rest of them did, yet he was a state alchemist and he'd been involved in a sexual relationship with a man who should have known better.

 

Heymans wondered if it would be fair to chastise Ed at all for being in this relationship. For all he knew, the colonel could have coerced the kid into it... He frowned deeply. Ed was technically an adult now, but when did this start? Had it started when Ed was a minor? Could the colonel really be so depraved as to take a young teenager to his bed? He pushed that line of thought away for now because he had to. There were things that needed to be done. Ed and he had to talk. Ed was a state alchemist, and a major. Ed had responsibilities that needed to be fulfilled.

 

“Ed...”

 

“Go away!” Ed said forcefully and curled even more tightly into the large coat.

 

“You can't lie there forever,” Heymans said mildly. When he got no response, he said, “You need to be more mature about this, Ed.”

 

“Shut up!” the teen cried. “You just don't understand.”

 

Heymans snorted and said derisively, “What exactly don't I understand, Ed?” Again there was no answer. “Wanna know what I do understand? I understand that you're taking this much harder than I thought you would. I understand that you and the colonel have been living together. I understand that after you left, the colonel was almost always working. I understand that you're lying here on his bed, wrapped in his coat. And most of all, Ed,” Heymans said, lowering his tone as if someone else was going to hear. “I understand that there's a picture on the colonel's nightstand of you in his work shirt that you might not want anyone else to see.”

 

At these words Ed flinched and buried his head into the jacket. “I'm not going to make any accusations,” Heymans said. “But I can tell you that it seems rather suspicious to me. I don't like it, but what you and the colonel do in your spare time is none of my business unless it affects my job. Right now it's affecting my job, so we need to talk.”

 

“You just... you don't understand...” He heard Ed whisper. “It's not... I... we...”

 

“Look, Ed,” Heymans interrupted. “I don't want to know. I really don't want to know. I wish I didn't know. Guys and other guys together... eh, I really don't get it... I've never understood that sort of thing. Plus, you're just way too young for him... but, again, none of my business.”

 

Heymans sighed. This really wasn't something he wanted to talk about... He itched to leave, to not think about it. He was pretty sure there was a better way to talk to the kid, but he didn't know how. Heymans was blunt and to the point most of the time which never went over well in delicate situations. “The problem is that you're the colonel's subordinate. If you don't want to cause more trouble for yourself and for the colonel, you need to be more... eh... low-key. You need to watch how you act. I think Douglas already suspects something isn't quite right.”

 

“What does that matter if he's dead?” Ed moaned around a sob.

 

“It matters because it's your ass on the line as well as the colonel's, and he may not be dead. The military hasn't released any information on him yet. They might just be keeping it under wraps for a while, but they'll have to release a statement sooner or later, so stop bellyaching about it.” Heymans pressed his lips together, thinking that might be a bit too insensitive, but damn... this was just a bit too much... the kid needed to pull himself together.

 

Ed was silent for a moment before saying quietly, “But there was so much blood...”

 

Heymans nodded. “Yeah, but he was still alive when the medics took him away. You need to keep on as if he were still alive, because he just might be. I don't think he'd be happy to know that while he was gone, the military got whiff of that secret. Hell, he probably won't be too pleased that I know, but there's nothing to be done about that.”

 

“If he was alive, they would have already told us...” Ed whispered dully, and Heymans felt a flash of irritation. The kid was hardly listening to a word he was saying! He was too fixated on the fact that the colonel could be dead. Stepping forward, Heymans reached down, grabbed one of Ed's arms, and pulled him around so that Ed was lying on his back with his face toward him. Immediately, Ed glanced away, but Heymans was having none of that.

 

“Look at me!” Heymans said firmly. When Ed simply kept his gaze away, Heymans reached down and moved Ed's head forward again. “Look at me, dammit!” The teen's face crumpled and tears filled his eyes. Heymans again felt pity for the kid, but he couldn't let this alone. He wanted to, but he couldn't.

 

“What the hell kind of shit is this? I thought Edward Elric was the kind of person who continued to believe in things even when others said it was impossible,” he said scornfully.

 

“I...” Ed began, but Heymans rode over him.

 

“You probably have every right to feel the way you do, and if life were fair, then you'd get to wallow in your misery all you wanted, but you can't. You have responsibilities, and I won't let you just ignore them because something bad has happened. That's the difference between adults and children. We all feel the pain, but adults must go on. We have responsibilities. Others rely on us. Sometimes you have to do things you really don't want to do, even when something like this happens.”

 

A sob broke from Ed and tears trickled down his pale cheeks.

 

“I'm sorry, Ed...” Heymans said a little more gently. He let go of Ed's arm and watched him curl into the fetal position. “I'm sorry that this happened, and I'm sorry that I can't just let you alone, but we need you. There are things that need to be taken care of that only you can do. I would if I could, but I can't. I'm only a second lieutenant.”

 

Heymans stopped and watched as Ed cried. It was difficult to know if Ed was crying because of what was being said to him, or because of what happened with the colonel, or both, or even for some other reason that he wasn't aware of. What he'd said was hard, but it was the truth.

 

With a heavy sigh, he sat on the bed next to the boy and awkwardly patted Ed's shoulder. Heymans wasn't the type of person who really liked to deal with `feelings' and `emotions'. It all made him terribly uncomfortable. But right now, he was the only one really `available' to deal with this, and this too made him uneasy. Heymans was the type of man who liked to work from within. He liked to be on the sidelines, giving advice about tactical decisions and, in general, not being in the spot light.

 

“We're broken here, Ed...” Heymans said quietly. “The colonel is missing; Fuery will be released from the hospital soon, but he still doesn't remember shit; Hawkeye has shut herself up in her apartment and refuses to talk to anyone; Havoc... well, you've seen him, I'm sure...”

 

He shook his head. “Falman and I are trying to pick up the slack, but we just can't do it all. We're only two men, and we don't have the authority to do much of anything important... I've heard talk about putting someone in to fill the colonel's job, maybe temporarily, perhaps permanently... I don't know, but we can't let that happen. You understand why... there's just too many secrets that...”

 

“No!” Ed yelled suddenly, cutting Heymans off. “No, I don't understand! Roy wouldn't tell me anything! You guys know more than me! So, it doesn't matter that I'm a major, I don't know shit! Roy never trusted me with anything!”

 

Heymans laughed derisively. “You really think we know everything? Well, we don't. I know what I need to know to do my job. The colonel works on a need-to-know basis, Ed. If you don't need to know, then he doesn't tell you. It's safer that way for everyone.” He shook his head. “Stop pitying yourself. It's not all about you.”

 

“But... I... we...”

 

Heymans stood up and looked down at Ed. “I'm sorry. You have to grow up. You have to be a man.” He paused, then said, “I know you don't know it all, and there are many things you don't understand. Even though you've been in the military all this time, you really don't understand how things work. You've never had to really deal with the politics and intrigue, but now you have to.”

 

Heymans wanted to say more, but instead he kept quiet and watched Ed. The kid was silent for a long time, before he turned back onto his side and murmured, “I need some time to think...”

 

Heymans pressed his lips together, refraining from starting yet another speech. He'd said enough. Now it was time to see what kind of man Ed was going to be. “Alright,” he murmured. “You think about it, but don't think too long.” When he got no response, Heymans turned around, and left.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Ed lay on the bed for a long time after Breda left, thinking about what he'd said. Was he being childish? Wasn't it normal to grieve if someone died? Ed frowned. Breda didn't seem to think Roy was dead. Was it possible that he was right? Was he mourning over something that didn't need to be?

 

He glanced over to the nightstand and scowled at the picture there before picking it up and staring at it. Blood rushed to his cheeks, both at the memory of getting the picture taken, and at having someone else, other than Roy, see it. He wanted to be mad that Roy had just left it out like that, but he couldn't. The picture next to the bottle only served as a painful reminder that he had been missed...

 

Roy had missed him.

 

This knowledge made Ed feel horrible inside. Had he been selfish and insensitive all that time that he was gone by not keeping contact? Truthfully, he hadn't even thought about how Roy would feel about not being contacted. Ed had been too focused on being upset about not being let in on things; he'd been too worried about their relationship... He'd supposed that Roy might be mad that he didn't keep in contact because of work reasons or something. It hadn't even entered his mind that Roy would actually miss him...

 

Reaching over, Ed pulled open one of the nightstand drawers and put the picture away before lying back down on the bed. Breda's harsh words had stung, and Ed wished he could just forget them, but he knew that the man had been right.

 

Ed glanced over to one of the bookshelves and saw his red coat hanging where he'd left it before leaving Central. Pushing himself off the bed, Ed shrugged out of Mustang's jacket, and laid it on the bed before slowly walking to the bookshelf and pulling his coat down. Without thought, Ed put his arms through the sleeves and winced when the coat pinched him in places that were too tight. He hurriedly wiggled out of the coat and stared at it sadly.

 

Yes... Breda had been right. He was no longer a child. He was a man, and he needed to start acting like one. But it was hard... so hard... He didn't want to... Right now, all he wanted to do was lay there and feel sorry for himself...

 

His fingers tightened on the coat as he wondered what Roy would do in this situation. His first thought made him glance up at the bottle on the nightstand. Frowning, Ed walked over and picked the bottle up. This is what Roy would do, he realized. Roy would drown himself in liquor... but he would still move forward. Despite everything, Roy would move forward.

 

With a sigh, Ed tossed the red coat on the bed next to Roy's military jacket. Making his way out of the bedroom, Ed headed toward the bathroom. He flipped on the switch and stared at himself in the mirror. His face was pale, except on his nose and around his eyes which were red and splotchy from his crying, and his hair stuck out of his messy braid in all directions.

 

Looking down at the bottle, Ed sniffed at it, then dumped it out in the sink. Right now he thought he understood the strong pull of drinking his troubles away, but that wasn't him. He wasn't Roy Mustang. He was Edward Elric. Somehow, he had to go on. He didn't know if Roy really was alive or not, but if he could believe, then he could hold himself together; he could do what he needed to.

 

Ed quickly washed his face and redid his hair before returning to the bedroom to put his military jacket back on. Breda was right. He was a man, and he had to be responsible. For the first time since he'd woken up in the hospital all those months ago, Ed felt like he had a purpose, a goal.

 

Ed strode resolutely toward the front door. Roy wouldn't find him crying his head off like a little girl. No way. If...no, when...Roy came back, he'd see that Ed could be trusted. He'd see that Ed was dependable... He'd see... Ed blinked quickly, then roughly scrubbed at his eyes. That's right... Roy wasn't dead! He wasn't! And when he came back, Ed would be sure to give him a piece of his mind for leaving him with such a mess. With that thought in mind, Ed opened the door, let himself out, and shut it firmly behind him.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Ed walked hesitantly down the hallway toward Roy's office. There was no sign of the military police, but then, that had been this morning, and it was now late afternoon. He nervously tapped his fingers against his leg as he walked. He'd been so full of determination when he'd left the apartment, but that had soon turned into confusion and doubt.

 

What was he supposed to do? He'd fulfilled his role as a State Alchemist, one who worked primarily in the field, just fine over the years. But like Breda had said, Ed never really had to deal with the complex politics in the military, and he'd rarely had to do office work. Even when he had done office work in the recent months, it had been mostly research.

 

As Ed neared the office door, he saw that it was open and he stopped. Did he really want to look in there again? Did he want to see the blood and the broken window and be reminded of what had happened? Would that break his resolve and make him doubt that Roy could be alive?

 

Ed almost turned around and walked away, but he forced himself to take another step, and then another. He wouldn't let what he saw in there make a difference. He wouldn't! Taking a deep breath, Ed moved in front of the doorway and looked inside.

 

Everything looked as it should.

 

He let out a breath of relief. Someone, most likely an alchemist, had come in and fixed the window. The blood was out of the carpet as well. Ed walked into the office and stopped for a moment when he imagined Roy sitting at his desk and giving him that smug smirk he always...

 

Ed shook his head and pushed the thought away. He couldn't deal with that... Not now. Not here. The last thing he wanted was for someone to find him crying in here. He scrubbed at his eyes and headed toward the desk. There was a stack of papers by the phone, but other than that it was cleaned off. Ed wondered if this is how it had been the night it all had happened or if someone had cleaned it up.

 

Ed shook his head. It was a stupid thing to wonder about. What did it matter anyway? He reached down and picked up one of the papers and stared at the signature at the bottom of the paper. It was Roy's signature... Ed swallowed hard and quickly put the paper back. He wouldn't cry... He had to be strong...

 

Ed moved around the desk and sat in Roy's chair. He stayed there for several minutes, then began to tap his foot against the floor. What was he supposed to do? Breda had said that he needed to grow up. He'd said that Ed had responsibilities, but for the life of him, Ed couldn't think of what those were.

 

Where did he start? No one was here... Where was Breda? Where was Hawkeye? Where was Falman and Havoc? Fuery... he knew where Fuery was, but what good did that do him? Ed tapped his fingers against the armrests on the chair and glanced around the dusky office before standing up and looking out the window. The last place he'd seen Havoc was under the tree... He glanced around, but Havoc was no where to be seen.

 

With a frown, Ed sighed and was about to sit back down when he remembered that Breda had said Hawkeye was at home. `Shut up in her apartment,' he'd said. Ed put a hand on his hip and scratched his head. He had no idea where Hawkeye lived...

 

Again, he glanced around, then realized her address would have to be in her file. Hurrying to the filing cabinet, Ed pawed through folder after folder until he came to the personnel files. It didn't take him long after that to locate her file. Committing her address to memory, Ed put the folder back and hurried out the door.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Winry muttered darkly as she worked on the old truck. Seriously, that man had to get a new truck. It wasn't that she didn't enjoy working on automobiles, because she did, it was just that this particular truck was a piece of junk. She couldn't understand why someone would keep something that obviously was worth a whole lot less than what was put out to keep it running...

 

With a sigh, Winry straightened, pressed her hands against her back, and leaned back slightly, trying to relieve the ache she was feeling. It was almost dinner and she would need to head in soon.

 

A slight breeze met her skin and she turned so that it would hit her face. She closed her eyes and enjoyed it for the small bit that it was there. The days were getting much too hot now...

 

Opening her eyes, Winry felt her body jump slightly. Leaning against one of the trees near her was that guy, Russell Tringham. His arms were folded over his chest and he was staring hard at her in a way that made her feel as though she were naked. She returned his stare, but his gaze never wavered.

 

Winry turned back to the truck and quickly started gathering up the tools. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to be in the house with Al or granny. With tools in hand, she turned around and felt relieved when she saw he'd gone.

 

It wasn't that he was really unpleasant to be around, it was just... She didn't know how to explain it. He creeped her out. Sometimes the way he looked at her made her feel so violated. It was stupid, really... He was just looking at her, but... She shook her head and quickly started for the house. She was being stupid, of course. If Al trusted him, then he must be okay. Though it made sense, this thought did little to comfort her.

 

;-;-;-;-;-;-;

 

Ed's heart beat nervously in his chest as he stared at the door. He wasn't sure why he should be nervous. It wasn't as if he didn't know Hawkeye. Perhaps it was because he'd never been to her home before and now he was showing up unannounced. Plus, Breda had said she didn't want to see anyone. He fidgeted with the braided cord on his military jacket. Maybe he should just come back another time...

 

He chewed softly on his lip as he tried to decide what to do. Finally he gathered up what courage was in him at the moment and quickly pounded on her door. Maybe she'd be asleep. Maybe she wouldn't be home. Maybe...

 

The sound of a dog barking came close to the door. He could hear small scratching sounds and could imagine Black Hayate in his mind as the dog excitedly barked for the door to be opened.

 

Thanks a lot, mutt, Ed thought irritably. The deadbolt clicked and the door cracked open. Black Hayate's black nose appeared in the crack near the floor, and a woman's eye appeared above Ed's head.

 

“Um... hi...” Ed said, feeling a little foolish. He hadn't really thought about what he'd say before he came. “Can I come in?” he asked. The eye closed for a moment, then he watched as she moved the dog back with her foot and opened the door wider for him to enter.

 

Ed slipped inside and shut the door behind him. When he glanced forward, he started a little to see how pale and almost sickly the lieutenant looked. Her light colored pajama pants and top made her look even more washed out. Dark circles hung low under tired, red eyes and her hair, usually neatly done up, looked greasy and hung messily down her back.

 

He pressed his lips together and let out a long breath before saying, “I... um, I heard...” His voice caught and he couldn't finish. Instead, he looked down to hide the fact that, once again, tears were gathering in his eyes. He felt angry with himself. He needed to be strong, but it was so hard! Her feet entered his line of sight and before he could look up, Ed felt her arms wrap around him and hold him in a tight embrace.

 

At first he felt startled, but that didn't last long. A small sob broke from him and he returned the hug. He hadn't realized just how much he needed someone to hold him until that moment.

 

Ed wasn't sure how long they stood like that; it felt like a long time, yet at the same time it seemed so short... When he stepped away, he noticed tears in her eyes as well. It was strange, seeing her like that. She'd always seemed to be so strong, so...infallible, yet she had been upset when Fuery had been attacked, why would she be any less upset when on old friend of hers could be dead.

 

He sniffled a little and gave her a small smile. “Thanks...” he murmured. “I... I guess I needed that...”

 

She nodded and returned his faint smile. “I guess I did too...” They stood there for a moment longer before she waved a hand toward the couch. “Have a seat.”

 

They both took a seat on the couch, each on either end, and sat there in silence for quite a while before Ed finally said, “I heard...” He stopped and looked hard at the carpet. “I heard you were there...” He trailed off and glanced up to see her staring sadly at him.

 

“I was...” she murmured quietly.

 

“He... Do you think that he's really...?” Ed couldn't bring himself to say it. Hawkeye looked away from him, staring blankly at the wall. He wondered what she was seeing that he couldn't.

 

“I really don't know,” she said in a quivering voice. “He passed out before the medics arrived and then they carried him away... I just... I just don't know. No one will say anything for sure...”

 

That wasn't the answer Ed had been looking for, but at least she didn't think Roy was dead. Ed shifted uncomfortably, then said, “I heard his job might be filled by someone else.”

 

At that, Hawkeye's head snapped to him. “Where did you hear that?” she asked looking surprised and upset.

 

Ed swallowed and said, “It was just something Breda said...”

 

Her eyes stared at nothing as she digested that, then whispered, “He must have gotten that information from Falman... if so, then it must be true...”

 

Ed nodded at that. Falman was almost as good as Fuery when it came to digging up information. He should be. He'd worked under Hughes in the Investigations division for quite a while before he'd transferred to Mustang's unit.

 

She glanced at him. “What else did he say?”

 

“Eh...” Ed muttered, not sure exactly what to tell her. “You mean about that position being filled?”

 

Hawkeye nodded, “Yes, and anything else he said to you.” She stopped, then said, “When did you talk to him?”

 

Ed rubbed at his eyes, then said, “Today. Earlier today. He said...” He paused, then, “He said I needed to take responsibility and that there were things that only I could do because of my rank...”

 

Hawkeye nodded slowly. “You do have the highest rank of all of us, but...” She stopped and gazed at him wearily.

 

“What?” he asked.

 

She let out her breath slowly, and said, “It really doesn't matter. You'd only have temporary authority until the colonel's position is filled.”

 

Ed scrubbed at his head in frustration. Now that he was getting down to why he was there, it was difficult to know what to say. “What do I do?” he asked. “I'm not even sure where to start.”

 

“Edward...” Hawkeye said softly. “Lieutenant Breda is a good man, don't get me wrong, but if I'm right then what he has in mind is for you to be in charge only in name. I believe he thinks that we can decide on what to do, and have it go through your authority. Like I said, that really won't work once the colonel's position is filled.”

 

Ed sat back in shock. “What a bastard...” he muttered quietly.

 

“Edward,” Hawkeye said, and he looked over at her. “I think it would be good for you to learn that not everyone in the military is a bastard.”

 

“He just wanted to use me though!” Ed exclaimed, thoroughly enraged now.

 

She stared hard at him with those tired eyes, then said, “He's doing what he sees would be best. Breda is a tactician and a brilliant strategist. He's not trying to hurt you; he's trying to keep things together the best way he knows how. Yes, most likely he wanted to use your rank, but I truly believe that he would rather not. If he believed you had the capability to deal with all the politics and intrigue, I'm sure he would let you take care of things with him acting in more of an advisory role when needed.”

 

Ed sat back feeling angry and frustrated. The logical, mature side of him could easily see her point, but the immature, brash side of him wanted to lash out angrily at everyone and stubbornly refuse to cooperate.

 

“Edward...” He felt a touch on his shoulder and looked back at her.

 

Hurt tried to push past the anger, but he wouldn't let it. He'd been feeling sad and depressed all day. It felt good to be angry. Standing up, Ed folded his arms and looked down at her. He wasn't angry with her, not really, but... But he knew that she didn't seem to think what Breda had in mind was all that bad, and that made him feel a little... betrayed.

 

“I... I need to go,” he said tightly. He could handle it! Maybe he wasn't as experienced as them, but... But what—he didn't know. Maybe they were right, maybe he couldn't handle it. He turned around and started to head for the door.

 

“Edward, wait,” Hawkeye said. “Don't leave angry.”

 

Ed stopped. Roy had said almost the same words to him before he'd left. It hurt, thinking that they hadn't resolved things before he left. He shouldn't have left angry... But Hawkeye wasn't Roy, this wasn't the same.

 

“I just need to think,” he said quietly. He walked to the door and put his hand on the handle. He couldn't let them use him, but how could he stop them besides being as irresponsible as they believed him to be? He had to show them that he really could be mature and responsible, that he could handle things... It was important. When Roy came back, he would see that he'd been wrong about him too. Tears pricked at his eyes again, and he blinked them away. Roy would see when he came back...

 

“I know you're having a hard time,” Ed said to Hawkeye as he kept his eyes on the door. “But, tomorrow is our weekly meeting. I... Even though he's not there, we should still have it. And you should be there.” Without waiting for her to answer, Ed opened the door, and left.

 

--

 

A note on characterization:

 

This chapter was a little difficult to write. In the anime, we really aren't given a whole lot of information on the minor military characters. We get a glance at them and see how they might act in one or two situations, and mostly as comic relief.

 

For this story, I've made the assumption that no matter how zany, or odd, the character might be in the anime, they have the capacity to be serious minded when the time calls for it. I think this especially for the military officers. They wouldn't be officers if they didn't have that in them.

 

Breda was definitely difficult to write in this chapter (and, in fact, I ended up doing quite a bit of revision on him because he sounded too much like Hughes or Hawkeye). In stories or chapters where he makes small appearances, he is easy to write because I can rely on what I've seen of him in the anime, but this was definitely a situation the anime didn't portray him in.

 

--

 

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