Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Disaster or Destiny? ❯ Gain and Loss ( Chapter 25 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Ed shook me awake when we pulled into the station at around one o‘ clock in the morning, and the two of us went to our rooms to sleep.

But sleeping was the last thing on my mind. Instead I laid awake, sorting through the events of the dream I’d just had on the train. It was as if I was watching clips from a movie I’d seen before, but it had been so long since I’d watched it that they didn’t make sense. Ed was in every single one, and in frustration I buried my face into my pillow as I tried to piece them together. Why was I thinking about him so much? Why were portions of my memories missing? I felt something towards Ed, but I didn’t understand why I was experiencing such strong emotions toward someone I barely knew.

I remembered a sudden image from my dream and despite the darkness outside, grabbed a lantern and headed into the woods. Something told me that if I found this place in my dream, which I’d gotten to through these woods, it just might help me figure a few things out.

It was strange how although I didn’t remember ever taking this trail through the trees, my legs seemed to know the way and eventually led me to a clearing. I held up my lantern, revealing a pond and a waterfall, and what could have only been a memory flashed through my mind.

Ed had been reading all day, and I’d dragged him to this spot.

“But hold on…” I said to myself. “I only met Ed a few days ago, how is that possible?”

We acted as if we’d known each other forever. Ed pushed me in the water and I pulled him in after me. Before now, this had been one of the days I hadn’t been able to recall.

I set down my lantern and sat down on the bank, deathly afraid of losing my train of thought. The fuzzy parts of my memories were beginning to become clearer. I glanced at the bandage around my arm that had once been Ed’s jacket, and gasped as I remembered he’d done the same thing after saving me from Bald’s men. I’d never been able to remember how I’d gotten out of that predicament. The way he’d carried me back to H.Q. sparked another memory…

It was Ed Envy had disguised himself as. I couldn’t remember before. Envy kidnapped me and tried to make Ed forge another Stone…

The scar on my arm was from Ed, when he’d attacked me under Thomas’s control. Ed called back my soul when Aida transferred it. Ed helped me in the maze. There was nearly an entire week missing from my memory, and I recalled the human chimera who’d poisoned Ed. We’d struggled through the underground tunnels and I took care of him for four days.

It was Ed who’d been missing the day I was healed. I felt so wonderful around him because I loved him. As though watching a slideshow of my own memories I was reminded of our first training session, of the first time he kissed me after our spar. The second time when he’d teased me with the strawberries. His alchemy lessons, the nights we’d stayed up talking for hours. That was why I felt so empty before, why my memories were choppy. He made me whole, and he made my memories whole.

I suddenly recalled with a pang of sorrow the events of the last few days, and the things Ed said echoed in my mind;

“In exchange for healing her, Equivalence took them away…”

“I love someone with all my heart, but I’m afraid she doesn’t love me back…”

“At least I know I’m somewhere in there, even if you can’t remember it all…”

Equivalent Exchange had taken my memories of him. I suddenly felt like a fool. All of the signs had been right in front of me; why hadn’t I noticed it earlier? The way Ed acted around me, the reason he looked sad when I asked him the answers to questions I should have known, the reasons for my jealousy and my desire to protect him, it was all so obvious now. I understood now why the Colonel had sent us to Aquroya alone; he’d hoped that us spending time together would be enough to get me to remember.

In part he was right, but I think I owed my returning memories to my love for Ed. I wasn’t sure, but I believed that my feelings were so strong, and I’d wanted my memories back so badly, that I was able to call them back from the Gate. After all, everyone had part of the Gate in their soul, according to Ed. If that was the case, then my memories had been locked away in my own soul the entire time. I just needed to summon them back.

I stood up and started sprinting back to the barracks, my desire to tell Ed I loved him giving me energy I hadn’t had before. I’d been turning it around in my head ever since I realized my feelings, but I suddenly decided that if we couldn’t find a way for me to come back to Amestris after I went home, then I wouldn’t leave at all. It was selfish, putting my own desires before my family back home, but I knew I would be miserable with the knowledge that I could never see him again. It was a big decision to make, but at that moment Edward was the only thing that mattered to me.

My heart began to pound as the barracks came into sight. I felt like I was going to burst with guilt if I didn’t talk to him. I couldn’t bring myself to accept the way I’d acted around him; the unfamiliar way I spoke to him, his hurt expression when I’d backed away after he healed me. Most of all, I remembered when he saw me hugging Russell. Even if it was just a friendly embrace, I knew how I would feel if I saw Ed holding another girl.

Upon reaching his door I realized he was probably asleep, and the door was most likely locked. I found the latter to be correct, and thought with a sigh of despair that I’d have to wait until morning. But conveniently enough, Al must have seen my shadow through the curtained window and emerged from the room.

“Marie, what’re you doing up?”

I tried to hide my anticipation. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Brother went to sleep right when he came in so I never got the chance to ask him; why did you guys come back so early?”

“It’s a long story, Al.” I said it in a tone that let him know I didn’t feel like discussing it at the moment. I shoved the memory of Aquroya away and faced at him. “Al. Equivalent Exchange took my memories, didn’t it?”

If it was possible for Al to sweat, he would have probably been doing so as he replied nervously, “How did you know?”

“I figured it out on my own, no thanks to you,” I said with a scowl. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Believe me Marie, I wanted to. But brother asked all of us not to say anything.” He hung his head in despair. “You must feel horrible…”

“Well normally I would,” I softened my voice and smiled as I added, “Except I remember him, Al.”

Al was silent for a moment, then suddenly took me in his arms and pulled me into a bone-crushing embrace. “I knew you could do it! I knew you loved my brother too much to forget, I knew you could call your memories back from the Gate!”

He loosened his hold and I hugged him back. “And that’s why you tricked us into going to Aquroya, isn’t it?”

He chuckled nervously. “’Tricked’ is such a strong word…”

I laughed and shook my head to let him know I wasn’t angry. He said he had the sudden urge to go on a walk, though I knew he was just giving me a chance to speak to Ed alone.

I slowly crept inside the room, which was dimly lit by the moonlight pouring in underneath the curtains. Ed’s coat and jacket were hanging on the back of a chair, but other than that he was lying fully clothed on his side, facing the wall. His slow, rhythmic breathing told me he was asleep. I didn’t want to wake him, but knew I could never get through the night knowing he didn’t think I loved him anymore.

I crept over and slid next to him on the bed and brushed away his hair, which was un-braided and sprawled wildily around his face. First kissing his cheek, I moved down to his neck and then to his flesh shoulder. He stirred slightly and mumbled something, and I caressed the side of his face.

“Edward…” I whispered.

His eyes opened slightly as he searched for source of the sound. They landed on me and flashed with confusion. “Marie? What are you…”

I ran a finger along his lips to silence him. “I’m sorry to wake you. But I want you to know that I love you, Edward Elric.”

A look of hope mixed with doubt appeared on his face. He started to say something but I stopped him once again. “You were wrong when you told me on the train that ‘she’ didn’t love you back.”

He still didn’t seem completely reassured. “But how…?”

I smiled at him. “You may have left my memories for a time, but you never left my dreams.”

He sat up, seemingly afraid to hope. “But you forgot! You forgot everything!”

“Edward, I could never forget you.” I tapped the side of my head. “You were in here the whole time, I just had to find you.”

He stared at me wide-eyed for a few seconds before finally asking, “Have you really remembered? Or are you going by what you saw in dreams?”

I pointed to the scar on my arm. “You asked me the day I was healed who gave me this, and I couldn’t remember then. But I do now, and it was you.” I indicated the bandage around my arm. “You did the same thing for me when you saved me from Bald’s men.” I smiled and added, “You hate milk, you hate being called short, you became a State Alchemist at the age of twelve, you can perform alchemy without a circle because you’ve seen the Gate, need I go on?”

Relief washed over his face and he threw his arms around me. There was a silence during which I returned the embrace, relishing the feeling of once again being in his arms.

He broke the silence in a near-whisper. “Thank God…I thought I’d lost you forever.”

I couldn‘t hide the sarcasm in my voice as I asked, “What’s this? The famed agnostic is thanking a God whose existence he doubts?”

“Because I think I’ve just witnessed a miracle,” he replied.

Much to Ed’s disappointment I pulled away. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Why do you think? Would you have wanted to learn that someone you didn’t even know loved you?” He turned away as he added, “I was afraid of your reaction. I thought you’d be happier not knowing.”

I gave him a sympathetic smile. “Which made you miserable.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Miserable is an understatement.”

I placed my hands on his chest and moved my face closer to his until we were only inches apart. “Will you take me back?”

In a low, husky voice he replied, “Don’t be stupid.”

He closed the gap between us and the emptiness I’d felt the last few days melted away. Ed fell back on the bed, pulling me with him. He traced his hand down my cheek, then down to my neck and along the curve of my breast. I moaned in pleasure, shivers running up and down my spine. I clutched at his shoulders, kissing him with every breath I had in me. I allowed his hands to roam as they pleased as I ran my tongue along his lips and tasted the inside of his mouth. His hand finally slid underneath my shirt, and our lips separated briefly as he slipped it over my head. I, in turn, pulled off his and combed my fingers through his hair as he left a trail of kisses down my neck and was just continuing past my collarbone when he suddenly stopped and reached behind him. “What the hell…? “

He pulled something from behind him and dropped it on the bed next to us. It was fuzzy and black and started to move back towards Ed, his hair the obvious target. I smiled when I finally recognized the black kitten, difficult to see in the darkness of the room.

Ed picked up the kitten by the scruff of the neck and scowled at it. “You know, you have really bad timing…”

I laughed as the kitten swatted at his bangs, but couldn’t help but agree with Ed that it was a bit irritating it chose now as its playtime. I sat up and took the kitten out of Ed’s hands and was about to set it back on the ground when Alphonse walked into the room.

“Did you tell him?” Al began as he opened the door, but froze when he saw us.

I stared at Al for a moment before I realized I had only my bra on and Ed was still leaning over me, also shirtless.

Ed threw a blanket around me as he turned to his brother, his face bright red. “Al!”

If he had been able, I’m sure Al would have been the same color as his brother. “I guess that answers my question…” he said as he began to shut the door, snickering slightly.

“Al, wait,” I said as I reached for my shirt. “Don‘t leave, it’s not fair for me to kick you out of your own room.”

“Are you sure? I can go somewhere else…” he offered, his head turned so I could put my shirt back on.

I hastily pulled it on and replied, “No, I’m not taking your room from you.”

For obvious reasons I was almost ready to take him up on his offer, but decided against it. Ed and I exchanged embarrassed smiles and I knew he felt the same way. Al cleared his throat in an attempt to break the akward silence. “I knew you’d be happy to have her back brother, but wow…”

Ed’s face flushed yet again. “If you knew she was coming in you could have knocked…”

Al chuckled. “Sorry.”

“And,” Ed added, turning to Al, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go planning false assignments for me behind my back. Especially when it involves Mustang‘s scheming mind.”

Al didn‘t seem too surprised that his brother had figured out their plan. “Aww, c’mon Ed. You know we were just trying to help Marie get her memory back. And considering that she did, I think the alone time you two had really helped.”

Ed started to protest, but decided against it. I was glad he did, there was no point in making Al feel guilty by telling him we’d been in danger in Aquroya. Instead, he smiled and laced his fingers with mine. “I know you were just trying to help. Thanks, Al.”

We decided to call it a night, and Al crawled into the bed across from us, most likely assuming I was going to stay in Ed’s. Of course neither Ed nor I offered any protest, and Ed laid down on the bed, pulling me next to him.

“Ed?”

“Hm?”

“ I know we need to get back to work, but tomorrow…” I tightened my hold on him and whispered, “Tomorrow can we just spend the day together?”

“Yes,“ he breathed. He leaned his face toward mine and whispered in a low, sexy voice that was quite unlike him, “And next time there won’t be any interruptions.”

My hearbeat quickened and I shuddered in anticipation. “Make sure you tell Mustang you won’t be able to take on any assignments tomorrow. Tell him you have prior arrangements.”

He placed a final kiss on my neck before laying his head down next to mine. “Don’t you worry about that, he’s the last person I’d let get in the way.”

I gave a tired laugh and planted a kiss on his bare chest. The sound of his breathing and the comfort of his touch soon lulled me to sleep.

I woke up the next morning feeling content and refreshed, which was a rare pleasure. I looked to the side for Ed and laughed when I saw him curled up at my side. He looked so innocent lying there, I could barely believe it was him.

I looked at the clock and curled up next to him, nuzzling the back of his neck. “Ed, it’s already eleven thirty.”

He moaned as I kissed his neck and grunted in displeasure when I stopped. “But that doesn’t mean we have to get up, does it?” he grumbled.

“We should go tell Russell everything’s okay so he can leave.”

“He could have left a long time ago,” Ed pointed out with obvious annoyance.

I sighed. “Are you still sore about the other day? He was just trying to help.”

“No, he was taking advantage of the situation,” he mumbled indignantly.

I brushed his bangs out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. “He’s not like that and you know it. Now let’s go see him off.”

He sighed in defeat and after pulling on his shirt began to braid his hair. I watched him as I ran a brush through my own. “Ed, do you think Al is angry with me?”

He looked up at me from underneath the golden fringe that hung over his similarly colored eyes. “What gave you that idea?”

I set down my brush and sat down on the edge of the bed opposite him. “It’s just that I’ve taken so much time away from you two lately because of everything that’s happened. I feel like I’m making him wait even longer than he needs to.”

He tied of the end of his braid and stood up, then walked over to me and put an arm around my shoulders. “Al loves having you around just as much as I do. He wouldn’t have tried to help by sending us to Aquroya if he didn’t.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder. “I hope so. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt him.”

He kissed the top of my head. “I know you wouldn’t. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.”

Feeling a little better, I went with Ed into the mess hall where Al and Russell were eating (or, at least Russell was). He looked up and grinned when he saw us. “I told you I was going to take action if you didn’t. And what do you know, it
worked.”

Ed rolled his eyes at him. “I take it Al told you then.”

Russell shrugged. “He did, but anyone would have been able to tell when the two of you walked in here.”

“Good, I want everyone to know he’s mine,” I said with a mischievous grin at Ed.

He quirked an eyebrow and smiled. “I don’t see your name on me anywhere.”

“Maybe not my name…” I said quietly so the other two couldn’t hear. I raised my hand and brushed a finger against the back of his neck; over the mark I’d left from kissing him there that morning. “But,” I added, whispering into his ear, “I left my mark nonetheless.”

He blushed and ran a hand over the back of his neck. “Marie, did you have to bring that up here?!” He argued in a hushed voice.

I couldn’t help but giggle at his expression. “Just be glad I made it where no one can see it.”

He looked at me with a sideways grin. “I’m going to get you for that later…”

He turned about ten more shades of red as Al and Russell snickered from across the table. Someone suddenly sat down on my other side, and I turned to see an exhausted looking Roy Mustang.

I shifted in my seat to face him. “Roy you look horrible, did everything go okay?“

He sighed in frustration and scowled at me under the hand he was resting his head on. “How many times do I have to tell you? As long as we’re here, you’re to address me as Colonel Mustang.”

I waved off his reprimand and continued. “Did you just get back from Aquroya?”

He ran a hand through his coal black hair. “It’s a mess. The police can’t find that kid anywhere.”

Ed leaned forward and looked at Roy with concern. “You mean the one that was waiting for you at the cemetery? He’s still wandering around?”

“The group was known for their stealth. It’s not going to be an easy catch.”

I put a hand on his shoulder. “That’s police work Roy. It’s not your problem, so don’t worry about it.”

He shrugged. “Still bothers me though.”

“What are you guys talking about?“ Al questioned.

“It’s sort of a long story, Al,“ Ed responded with an indication in his voice that he didn’t feel like discussing it at the moment.

Roy seemed to notice Ed for the first time and a small smile replaced his scowl. “Ed, you don’t look chronically depressed this morning. What’s the occasion?”

“Ha ha,” Ed responded with sarcasm that equaled the Colonel‘s.

“Turns out our plan worked, Colonel,” Russell explained with a smile.

Roy turned to me. “You mean…you really remember?”

I nodded with a smile and the Flame Alchemist slapped a hand to his forhead and laughed. “Wow, I didn’t think it would actually work.”

Ed, of course, couldn’t give his superior the satisfaction of thinking he’d succeeded. “You guys all keep assuming the trip was what did it, but she would have remembered on her own sooner or later, I’m sure.” With another glare directed at the Colonel, he added, “Not to mention we had yet another brush with death thanks to your scheming.”

Roy rose and, to my surprise, actually seemed somewhat affected by Ed’s accusation. “Don’t rub it in Fullmetal, I feel bad enough as it is, alright? I had no way of knowing anything like that would happen.”

He stood up to leave and I hastily added, “He means thank you, Colonel.”

Roy smiled at me before turning and heading for his office. I turned back to Russell and rested my chin in my hands. “How much?” I asked him.

He gave me a puzzled look. “Pardon?”

“For your time,” I added with a smile, “You’ve helped me a great deal, you deserve some kind of payment.”

He held up his hands to refuse the offer. “You don’t have to pay me, I’m just glad I could help.”

“Russell, without you we couldn’t have made the stone that saved my life. I’m not letting you walk away empty handed.”

“Marie, I’ll handle it. I was already planning on paying him,” Ed interjected.

“Really you guys, I wouldn’t feel right accepting it…” Russell protested.

“Alchemy books are expensive, aren’t they?” Al added. “As interested as you and Fletcher are in it, I’m sure you could use some extra cash for things like that. We’ll just take it out of our payment from the military.”

I stood up. “I’ll be right back.”

I headed for the door and Ed, already aware of what I doing, called back, “Grab my coat will you? It’s got what I want in the pocket.”

I waved a hand in assent to his request, but still planned on using my own money. Roy paid me when I aided the Elrics on assignments, and I felt it was only appropriate to use my savings to pay the person who helped make it possible for me to continue doing that in the first place.

I unlocked the door once I’d reached our room and was alarmed to see that the window was broken. I took a few steps forward to inspect it but whipped around at the sound of the door being slammed shut behind me. Shane, the young man Kate had sent to the cemetery to kill Mustang, was blocking the door.

My heartbeat quickened as I looked into his cold, dark eyes. They were eyes filled with hatred, and could have only belonged to someone that had killed before, and had no qualms about doing it again.

“I managed to get a quick word in with Kate, in prison,” he stated, his voice devoid of any emotion. “She told me you were the one who killed Sid.”

I couldn’t deny this, so I kept my mouth shut.

“Equivalent Exchange - that’s the principle you alchemists live by, is it not? That as long as you sacrifice something, you gain something in return?”

The sun pouring in through the shattered window glinted off something in his hand. He moved it slightly and my breath caught in my throat when I saw it was a pistol.

“As far as I know,” he continued in the same, monotone voice, never once taking his eyes off me, “Sid gained nothing for his sacrifice. I’m here to fullfill the law as you people see it.”

He raised his gun and I froze, not daring to breathe or move. I could read it in his face; if I made any move or sound, he would pull the trigger. But even if I’d wanted to move, my body, paralyzed with fear, would not have responded.

“A life for a life; that’s an equivalent trade, wouldn’t you agree?”

Simultaneously, the sound of a gunshot rang through the air and I felt a seering pain in my chest. I crashed to the ground, my very life draining away with the blood that pooled underneath me. Shane seemed satisfied with his work and leapt out through the broken window. My mind was going blank, and the only thing I could think about was seeing Edward’s face one last time, before I departed from this world.

I willed myself to hang on, just long enough to see him. As if from a great distance, I heard the hollow sounds of the door being thrown open and people shouting something about hearing a gunshot. Someone let out an agonizing scream, and through blurred vision I searched for Edward. I saw a fading image of him as he took me in his arms, tears pouring down his face. He was saying something like, “Hold on,” and “Don‘t leave me,” in a choked voice, but I couldn’t be sure. I wanted so much to reach up and touch his face, to tell him that I loved him and not to cry, but before I could the last of my strength left me, soon followed by my ability to hear, see and feel. My final regret, as I passed from the living world to whatever lied beyond, was that my last image of Edward had been one of infinite sadness and despair. I would have given anything to see his smile one last time.

~Edward~

It was an almost exact replay of that day six years ago. Once again, I stood staring down at the grave of the woman I loved more than anything. And, typical for the fool I was, the same thoughts were running through my head; those of human transmutation. But for the time being, I shoved them to the side as I was reminded of my little brother’s presense next to me. I would wait until I returned him to normal. I had to take care of my loved ones in this world first. That’s what Marie would have wanted anyway. She had always been so concerned about Al.

I snapped out of my stupor as Al laid a heavy hand on my shoulder. Everyone had long since left; we were the only ones left in the darkening cemetery.

“It’s a disaster that she ever came here, Al,” I choked, fighting back tears just as I had the day I was staring at the grave of my mother. “She came and went, and she took another part of me with her.”

“I disagree brother,” Al voiced in his calming tone. “She taught you to love, to be happy again. Maybe it was destiny.”

My voice hardened as I was reminded of the morning I found her, lying in a pool of her own blood. I knew the moment I saw her it was Shane. “I’m going to find him, Al. I’m going to find that bastard and kill him.”

Al’s worried voice was heavy with protest. “Brother, you don’t even know if it was him! And you said yourself, destroying lives doesn’t bring lives back. If everyone went around getting revenge for every life that was lost it would never end. It would be a cycle without a point.”

Even as Al threw my own words back at me, my resolve would not diminish. I wasn’t going to let him get away with this. She gained nothing for her sacrifice; so I was going to make him pay.

“Don’t worry Al, I’m going to take care of you first. My brother takes priority over my own goals.”

“Brother, you know that’s not what I’m worried about. Don’t you remember that day you nearly killed Thomas? The way Marie reacted? She wouldn’t want you to stain your hands with his blood.”

I felt yet another stab of pain at the memory. I knew she wouldn’t want it. But I could never be at peace knowing that son of a bitch was wandering around freely, while she was gone from this world forever.

Al headed back after I assured him I would soon follow. The ominous clouds that had been gathering during the funeral grew bigger and darker until it finally started to rain softly, but I still made no move to leave. At that moment I lost interest in everything around me. I just wanted everything to fade away and take my pain and misery with it.

I heard someone approaching from behind, but didn’t turn to see who it was. I simply didn’t care.

“It makes a dismal sort of sense when you think about it. That is, if you believe in Equivalent Excange.” The low, solemn voice of the Colonel was unmistakable.

“What makes sense?” I asked, quite uninterested in the answer.

“The price she paid to continue living was her memories of you. Considering she got them back, technically she was living without making a sacrifice,” he stated coldly.

I turned to him angrily. “She shouldn’t have had to pay anything! What did she ever gain for her sacrifices, for being taken away from her family?”

Roy quirked an eyebrow. “You think she didn’t gain anything?”

I had to lower my voice to steady it. “No, I don’t. She shouldn’t have had to pay again to live. She’d already given up so much.”

“She found you, Ed,” he said simply, as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

If possible this made me feel even worse. “That’s hardly a fair price,” I sneered. The malice in my voice was directed at myself more than Mustang.

He took a few steps forward so he stood by my side, and gazed down at the grave. “She loved you, Edward. Anyone could have seen it in the way she looked at you. The fact that she was able to remember you is proof enough.”

I could no longer hold back the tears, and they drizzled down my cheeks, mingling with the rain on my face. “I only hope I managed to return just a fraction of the happiness she gave me.”

He laid a hand on my shoulder. “Rest assured Edward, you did.” He was silent for a moment, but a glance as his thoughtful face told me he hadn’t said all he wanted to.

I looked at him dismally and said quietly, “If you have something to say, say it.”

He sighed. “I really didn’t want to bring this up, but as reckless as you tend to be I have to ask; you’re not thinking about human transmutation, are you?”

I saw that one coming. It was hard to respond without telling a lie, and I took a moment to answer so I could pick my words carefully. “Of course I’ve thought about it, but doesn’t every alchemist in this type of situation? Just because you think about it doesn’t necessarily mean you have any intention of doing it.” Of course, this also meant that that there was a possibility that you did. But I kept that to myself.

He gazed at me intently, as if trying to read on my face the thoughts in my mind. “I hope so, Edward. You know even better than I do that there is nothing to be gained by committing the ultimate taboo. You’ll only lose more than you already have.”

The way he spoke as if he were trying to convince me of something I already knew was enough to prove his doubt at my words. He was afraid I would go against what my head told me and let my heart lead my actions.

I couldn’t dispute the fact that his concern was justified. Despite the way I despised myself for even considering human transmutation after the result of my first attempt, the idea still lingered in the back of my mind. The question was, was I enough of a fool to act on it? Love can make a perfectly sane, intelligent person make the stupidest mistake in the world; I’d learned that from experience. But even experience wasn’t enough to stop someone from acting foolishly out of love.

I’d felt this emptiness before, but the first time I had hope. I had truly believed I could bring my mother back. But this time around, after my first failed attempt, nearly all hope of ever seeing Marie again was lost. I knew what could happen if I let my desires drive me to repeat my first mistake.

But there was always that small chance of success. What if I really could bring her back? Then it would all be worth it.

Most people would argue that it was impossible, that I wasn’t God and therefore could not ever hope to bring someone back. But what, or who, was God, really? An unknown entity that people believed in just because it was written down in some ancient book. Personally, I needed proof before I could believe. I couldn’t go on faith alone; I needed solid proof before I could even have faith in the first place. As far as I knew, alchemists were the closest thing to God there was. Science was the answer to the very existence of every living thing, so couldn’t it bring back a life?

The answer was yes. The problem was that something was missing. My formulas, my theories, my equations; even Al agreed that everything had been perfect the day we tried to bring mom back. There was just something, some minor detail that I had overlooked, that would make all the difference in the world. Centuries of research had failed to find it. But it was there, and I was going to look for it after I fulfilled my promise to Al.

The Colonel’s stern voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “You’re not God, Ed. There’s no such thing as God. We just have to deal with the way the world works, and be content and live while we can. There’s nothing else we can do.”

Once again, I remembered similar words coming out of my own mouth. But I had changed since then, due largely to finding love and losing it. I don’t think anything could alter a person more. “Maybe,” I stated thoughtfully, my mind racing in a hundred different directions, “and maybe not.”