Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Full Metal Alchemist in (not quite as short as) 15 Minutes ❯ OMG, We Took it there... ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Title: FULL METAL ALCHEMIST/ HAGANE NO RENKINJUTSUSHI IN (NOT SO SHORT A TIME SPAN AS) FIFTEEN MINUTES.

Authors: Tam-Yuki & Shadow-Loves-Ramen (we have no lives…seriously.)

WARNINGS: Intense, seemingly crack-induced, OOC behavior. Language no worse than what you've heard in school. References to sex and various pairings that don't always make sense. Beware. Spoilers too…if you haven't seen the show…but that's your problem. Not ours. Complain elsewhere.

DISCLAIMER AND LEGAL BS NO ONE CARES ABOUT: We do not own FMA…if we did the show would be so awkward. We just like to fuck with it, that's all. This parody is in no way intended to insult or bash any character (with the exception of Winry because we both hate her), fandom, or the show in general. We were bored one day and thought we'd poke a little fun at FMA because we love it so much. We kid because we care.

Enjoy.

The Elric Household of Foreboding, Rizenbool-

[YOUNG ED and YOUNG AL are attempting to resurrect their dead mother- because, y'know…they apparently have l33t alchemy skillz.]

YOUNG AL: Brother, for the record, I think this is a bad, bad idea. ..SO BAD.

YOUNG ED: No, no of course not Al! I totally have this under control. There is NO possible way this can backfire on us!

GODS OF IRONY: *thunderclap*

[So, predictably, the human transmutation goes horribly wrong but no one saw it coming because young children are infallible like that. For some unknown reason, ill-fated YOUNG AL gets the brunt of the punishment and YOUNG ED looses a leg and an arm, which doesn't seem right seeing as how it was his brilliant idea to fuck around with big people things in the first place.Woe.]

YOUNG ED: *looks up at the gory blob that is his mother* ZOMGWTF?

BLOB: Edwarrrddddd….my precccciiiiooouuuusssssss….

YOUNG ED: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Lior, random time shift of randomness-

FANS: Wait…why is Al in armor?

SCRIPTWRITER #1: You think maybe we should have included that Ed-blood seal-Al sequence in the already vague opening?

SCRIPTWRITER #2: No, stupid! We'll leave that vital plot point out for several more episodes, duh!

SCRIPTWRITER #1: …what sense does that make?

SCRIPTWRITER #2: SHUT UP, HOR!

ED: Lyke, OMG religion sucks. You people are stupid for trying to spread you beliefs to others- by the way, I think you should become agnostic, give up all sense of hope, and become an angst ridden alchemist like me.

ROSE: I think-

ED: OMG STOP PUSHING YOUR BELIEFS ON ME, HOR!

ROSE: …

CORNELLO: I HAVE THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE! PH34R!

VOLDEMORT: RAAAAAAAAAA!

CORNELLO: Wait, just kidding- it's only a ring!

GOLOM: Myyyyyyy prrrrreccccciiiiioooouuusssss….

CORNELLO: …you know what…

ED: Give it to me!

CORNELLO: No!

ED: Yes!

CORNELLO: No!

ED: Yes!

CORNELLO: No!

ED: Yes!

AL: Why am I even in this episode again?

CORNELLO: *Arm gets hideously transfigured by alchemic backlash* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

ED:….nevermind. You can keep it.

ROSE: You asshole! You destroyed my sense of hope! Now how am I going to live my life? I'll just die!

ED: No you won't. By the end of the series you'll become a seemingly useless plot point.

ROSE: Oh, so you can see the future now too?

ED: Being a main character gives you the ability to do great many things. Like fuck up people's lives and still manage to get pussy. Really, it's quite awesome.

ROSE:…Oh.

ED: Oh yeah. Apparently I have to say this about ten times during the series: “You have a good pair of legs, so use them.” USE THEM DAMN IT! WHILE YOU STILL CAN! USE THEM BEFORE THEY ARE STOLEN BY DEMON GATE BABIES!

ROSE:…what?

ED:..........exactly.

[Here's where the satire of episode three would go if it were not for the fact that the entire episode's only real significance is to elaborate on what happened in the brief opening sequence of episode one. Those who watched the show already know what happened. If you haven't seen FMA, one: You're a moron. Go! Watch it now! Two: Your SOL as far as understanding the rest of this parody. Have a nice day. ]

SCRIPTWRITER #1: *facepalm* I'm telling you we could've shortened the series by one episode, thereby saving more money to maybe…I dunno….pay for better English voice actors?

SCRIPTWRITER #2: *Bitchslap* No one asked you!

The Town of Budafuck, unnecessary detour-

AL: Brother, what are we doing here again?

ED:…Uh…good question….plot hole filler?

AL: Works for me.

LITTLE HERMAPHRODITE: Lyke, OMGWTF I KEEL YOU FOR NO REASON!

ED: *prepared to whoop ass* Bring! It! O- *faceplants*

AL: *Falls on ED*

ELRICEST FANS: OMG YAY!

Majihal: *manifestation of Professor Lupin, accurate to the Harry Potter books*

HP FANS: YAY!

Majihal: So basically I'm lusting over this girl name Karin who actually happens to be the old hag that comes to my door and flirts with me- but I'm too demented to notice, and I find it inconceivable that anybody in this show would actually age. I mean really. Who ages in cartoons?

ED: Maybe I'm stating the obvious but -

AL: Yes. Yes you are.

ED: Dude, Majihal. Relax man, this old hag IS Karin. Apparently she just forgot she was…like you did.

Majihal: NO! KARIN IS YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL-

ED: Dude chill….there's always botox.

Majihal: *is unceremoniously impaled*

ED:…dag, yo. That sucks.

AL: *sigh* How many lives must you ruin, brother?

ED:…shut up. My self-esteem is low enough without your snarky comments!

LITLLE HERMAPHRODITE: I LOVE YOU!

ED: *shudders* What is your purpose in this episode again?

AL: Better yet, what did this side-trip accomplish?

ED: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

AL: ….Okay then.

Train of Irony, courtesy of Roy Mustang.-

ED: *on phone with Roy* Can't…form…coherent…sentences!

ROY: That's okay. Phonesex does that to me too.

ROY/ED SHIPPERS: YAY!

ROY: I want you-

ED: WHAT?

ROY:…to get on the train...

ED: Oh!....ohhhh.

ROY: NOW! HAUL ASS! GO!

[ED and AL luckily manage to get on the train that IRONICALLY has the general Hakuro and his family on board and is a prime terrorist target….there's a plot point in here somewhere…but I think it's hiding…]

ED: Shit! I have to save the train! Because I'm the hero and I have moral obligations, damn it!

AL: …indubitably…

[So ED astounds us all with his l33t train-walking skills. He braves the danger, the elements, the speed!....but that damn tree branch he never saw coming….]

HUGHES: *conveniently happens to be RIGHT THERE with in a good arm's length to save Ed* Hi! You don't know me, but I'm the comical relief which automatically makes me a good guy which automatically obligates us to work together.

ED: Wow. I can't argue with that logic.

HUGHES: Seriously.

[so Ed and Hughes fight their way into the car where the terrorists are keeping the hotsages and woe of all woes Hughes gets shot in the goddamn shoulder and lies there like a pansy waiting to die.]

HUGHES: As a hardened military man, I could endure the pain and save my life…but that would be far less dramatic! Besides, Ed's the one with the moral obligations and he's been totally useless so far.

ED: *bursts in a saves Hughes* Did I miss the action?

HUGHES: No…but your timing is impeccable. I mean, wow! Just one second later I could have been killed!

ED: But…you're smiling about it…

HUGHES: I'm crying like a little girl on the inside.

ED: Oh.

BARTS: RAWR! I'M A TERRORIST WITH AUTOMAIL!

ED: Bitch, please. *ownz*

ROY: Good work. As a reward, General Plot Point has agreed to allow you to take the state alchemy exam regardless of your age. However he doesn't think you're actually going to pass it- he just likes shatter the dreams of young people everywhere.

ED: You planned this, didn't you?

ROY: Duh. I rock like that.

ED: I hate you. I barely know you and I hate you. I hate you so much…that…that…

Roy: That'll do, kid.

ED: HATE. YOU.

ROY/ED SHIPPERS: Awww, yay.

Central, Big-ass house-

ED: It's so big!

AL: Once again…stating the obvious….

ED: …I do that a lot don't I?

AL: Yes. Yes you do.

ROY: Boys, this is Shou Tucker. He's a little bit off-color and we have no record of what happened to his wife but around the same time she went missing he made a talking chimera which is really depraved alchemy but we in the military have a history of letting nutcases off the hook resulting in outbreaks of unspeakable atrocities. So don't worry and make yourselves at home!

ED:…

AL:…

TUCKER: Hello. I'm crazy, and this is my daughter Plot Point and my dog Plot Point.

AL: Gee Brother…maybe his dog and his daughter are major plot points?

ED: What makes you say that?

AL: A hunch.

TUCKER: You are welcome to study anything for your upcoming exam- EXCEPT MY RESEARCH! AHAHAHAHA!

ED:….uh…

AL: ….Mr. Tucker?

TUCKER: Oh…excuse me. Time for my meds…

ED & AL:….we're SO fucked.

[So, as much as I know everyone loves continuous scenes of INTENSE STUDYING ACTION, we'll move right along to…]

Central, the infamous IMPOSSIBLYHARDONLYANELEVENYEAROLDSUPERGENIUSCANPASSIT exam-

ED: *spaz*

AL: *calm*

ROY: Al can't continue with the test.

AL: *spaz*

ED: *calm*

ROY: Hey, I don't call the shots around here.

ED: Except only…you do.

ROY:….shut up.

FUHRER: Why do you want to become a state alchemist?

ED: TO FIND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE AND COMMITT TABOO HUMAN TRANSMUTATION AND RESTORE MY ARM AND LEG AND GET MY BROTHER'S BODY BACK AND-

ROY: *cough, hack*

ED: I mean…I made a promise to my brother. Yes. Yes, a promise….thaaaaaat's right.

ROY: Great. Now let's have that Freudian slip stricken from the records…perfect.

FUHRER: Now to see what you plebes can do. Practical skills!

ED: ZOMGWTF BALLOON OF DEATH! *claps hands together and transmutes it into a pretty flowery wreath*

FLOWERY WREATH: *sparkle/shine/flutter*

ROY: So…remind me….what exactly IS our policies about gays in the military?

FUHRER:…

Central, Tucker's basement-

TUCKER: WeLcOmE tO mY cItAdEl Of InSaNiTy!!! AhAHahHaAhHaa!!!

ED: *looks at all the crude transmutation circles scribbled on the walls* Very Charles Manson…

[ To Ed's horror Tucker has combined his dog and his daughter to make SUPER PLOT POINT CHIMERA]

ED: You are a sick man!

AL: Why? It's so cute! Here doggy! Here widdle doggy!

ED:….

TUCKER:….uh?

ED:….*slaps Al's head off* It's his dog and daughter moron!

AL: Right…I knew that….TUCKER YOU ARE A BAD MAN! *cries*

ED: Why are you so demented?

TUCKER: Hey, they were two loose plot points that I fused together to makes one influential plot point that will torture and motivate you for the rest of the show! I WAS DOING THE SHOW A SERVICE!

ED: WAAAAAAAHHHH! *angst*

BASQUE GRAN: *arrives* I am a self-absorbed mother fucker. I will save my own ass by covering this up…as men in my position often do…oh, and my mustache is awfully pointy. Stare at it in wonder.

ED: WHAT?

BASQUE GRAN: *Thunks Ed hard on the back of the head with his iron arm* I did that just because I felt like it, really.

AL: Brother!

ED: twinkle, twinkle little starrrrrr….

AL:….

BASQUE GRAN: Now we flee like sissies and hope that the kid won't blab like an emotionally distraught teenager.

MILITARY MEN: YAY!

ED: The HELL you will! *creates SUPER COOL CONCRETE WAVE ZOMG*

SUPER PLOT POINT CHIMERA: *flees*

SCAR: *brooding in his dark emo corner*

SUPER PLOT POINT CHIMERA: *sniff*

SCAR: You are made of both human and beast…how do I know that brother? And how come you never answer me? HUH? I know you're dead and all but COME ON! That's no excuse! FINE! BE THAT WAY! I'll just use this arm you gave me to KILL things then! How do you like them apples?

SUPER PLOT POINT CHIMERA: *is exploded*

SCAR: Well…that was interesting. Dude…I didn't know it could actually do that! Sweet. I was just bluffing about that “sin against God” thing…but this kicks SO much ASS!

[meanwhile]

ED: PLOT POINT! PLOT POINT! PLOOOOT POOOOIIIINNNT! Where ARE you?

SUPER PLOT POINT CHIMERA: *is exploded*

ED: NOOOOOOOOOO! GOD WHY? WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY CAN I NOT WIN?

GOD: *takes out clipboard and makes another hatch mark* God- 4, Edward Elric- 0….

[Cue dramatic rainfall of agony and despair.]

Central, the Next Day

ED: I don't want to be a state alchemist anymore! So there! *slams pocket watch down on Roy's desk in a blatant display of maturity*

ROY: …yes you do.

ED: No I don't….

ROY: …yes you do.

ED: No I don't!

ROY: What about the dental plan?

ED:….oh yeah….

ROY: Well?

ED: You can take your dental plan and shove it!

ROY: …kinky.

ROY/ED SHIPPERS: YAY!

The cafeteria, in the headquarters that Ed apparently is “no longer affiliated with”-

ED: *eating the notmilitary food in the notmilitary cafeteria of the notmilitary edifice that he is not a part of*

HUGHES: I'm making a random appearance because I haven't been getting enough screen time lately. How's it going?

ED: Don't touch my notmilitary bun, you ass!

HUGHES: Are you investigating a military case?

ED: No! I am definitely not investing the military case in the military file from a military file cabinet in this military building that I'm no longer a part of.

HUGHES: Oh, well in that case I'll just tell you all the secrets I know against my better judgment.

ED: Sweet.

[Barry the chopper, er, delivery lady arrives]

BARRY THE WOMAN: Tee hee! I'm not a man, just a really ugly woman!

CHEF: I dunno, I kinda like your mannish features.

BARRY THE WOMAN: Haha…ew.

[Winry is waiting for Ed, practically orgasming over the truck]

WINRY: ZOMG! A TRUCK! I want to take it apart because I am the master mechanic at everything mechanical because if I wasn't I'd be more useless than I already am! Yay!

BARRY THE WOMAN: I'm a total stranger, but because we both supposedly have vaginas, you can trust me.

WINRY: Lyke, totally!

[So Barry abducts Winry and chops her into little pieces then feeds them to Black Hayate later on and Ed and Al are never nagged again! The End.]

ED: OMG! WINRY! I MUST SAVE HER BECAUSE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE CANON! WAAAAHHHH!....Dam those moral obligations!

[so Ed miraculously knows exactly where the truck is located and enters the dark creepy butcher shop alone. Yeah…I'm not seeing his genius…]

ED:….not my brightest idea.

BARRY THE WOMAN: *BARRY SMASH*

ED: *wakes up some time later to be tied to a chair as Barry reveals his only plot point*

BARRY: I'M REALLY A MAN!

ED: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... .wait….what?

WINRY: *gagged- HOORAY! * mppphhff!!!

ED: What?

WINRY: mmmmffffgggllleee!!

ED: Huh? I can't understand you!

WINRY: *thrashing* mmmmmppphhhffff!

ED: …Oh! Ew, gross! What do you want me to do about it?

WINRY: *mental facepalm* …

BARRY: I KEEL YOU DEAD!

ED: *wibbles*

[so basically we watch Barry chase Ed around for five minutes slashing at him in a way reminiscent of a hokey American horror film meanwhile Winry just stands there crying , not thinking to merely slide her bounds hand forward OFF the meat hook…but of course…she's a GIIIIRRRLLL.]

AL: *to the rescue! The most useful he's been thus far* Oh Brother, you can't kill me that easily…I know because I've tr-…nevermind.

ED: *angst/brood/cry*

HUGHES: How long is he going to do this?

ROY: Get used to it…he does it in almost every episode.

HUGHES: *sigh*

[The next to episodes I've omitted from this parody because, like Elric brothers' trip to Budafuck to visit Majihal, the next two episodes accomplish absolutely nothing except Ed meets plot point Lira and gets to touch a boob after being cured of a bad case of indigestion. Of course, he freaks out from the boobage and turns down the perfect opportunity to get laid furthering implying that Ed is quite homosexual. Woe.]

Xenotime, land of sexy imposters-

SOME DUDE: HELP MY DAUGHTER IS STUCK UNDER THIS CART AND ALL US MUSCULAR MEN ARE PUSSIES SO WE WON'T MOVE IT BECAUSE WE MIGHT BREAK OUR NAILS!

MALE VILLAGERS: *whimper*

ED: Can't she just like….slide out? I mean….there's plenty of room if you…I dunno….dig?

SOME DUDE: NO! OMG! THAT'D BE TOO SIMPLE! WE HAVE TO COMPLICATE THIS MORE THAN NECESSARY!

ED: *facepalms and saves the day* …moral obligations….

VILLAGERS: Our hero! What's your name?

ED: We're the Elric brothers!

VILLAGERS: ….

[Ed and Al are then unceremoniously thrown from the inn because the villagers are too damn STUPID to realize that if the great Edward Elric was in Xenotime as they believe, then he couldn't possibly be doing great things elsewhere. Like…DUH?]

ED: We have to break into the poorly guarded mansion and find out who is using our names!

AL: But brother…that's so bad. SO BAD.

ED: When have we ever done the RIGHT thing?

AL:…touché.

[So Ed and AL break in and meet up with OMGRUSSELLISSOFUCKINGHOT….Russell Tringham.]

ED: OMG! Leonardo DiCaprio! I saw you in Titanic! I love that movie! Can I have your autograph?

RUSSELL: ….uh.

ED: Er…I mean…I KEEL YOU DEAD BITCH!

RUSSELL: *kicks Ed's ass and looks remarkably hot while doing it*

RUSSELL/ED SHIPPERS: OMG…it's true love. YAY!

ED: Run away! Run away! *flees*

AL: *flees*

FLETCHER: *is adorable*

RUSSELL: *is smug…and hot*

[The tree of shameful defeat]

AL: You know…what they're doing may not be so bad, brother.

ED: Of course it is! They are making people sick, Russell's hair is better than mine…and besides, you're totally crushing on Fletcher.

AL:….no I'm not…

ED: …liar.

AL: I want to feel your warmth brother….

ED: Excuse me?

AL: Apparently that's what the subtitles say…

ED: Akwarrrd…

ELRICEST SHIPPERS: YAY!

[So Ed devises his brilliant plan to break into the mansion…again. Because there's NO WAY Russell can kick his ass TWICE. *facepalm*]

[Dark, creepy, and remarkably convenient basement with a stream of massive plot point.]

ED: Wow…red water….maybe this is why people are getting sick- *choke/hack* *passes out in Al's arms*

Al: Score.

ELRICEST FANS: YAY!

AL: I mean…ZOMG BROTHER!

[and just at the right moment, Fletcher arrives and saves them…because, well…if Ed died there'd be no show…that's why. Shut up. You come up with a better reason.]

ED: Like, don't you guys realize that you're totally poisoning people and shit?

FLETCHER: *wibbles*

ED: *blah blah blah rant blah blah blah chastisement*

FLETCHER: *cries*

[Somewhere else in the mansion]

RUSSELL: *his big brother senses tingle* … *goes to unleash his vengeance *

[back in the lab]

ED: STOP CRYING!

FLECTHER: WAAAAHHHH!

ED: STOP, GODDAMMIT!

FLETCHER: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

AL: *sighs* brother you are not helping….

RUSSELL: *appears, because he's magical …and hot* I KEEL YOU DEAD!

ED: *transmutes automail into blade* Oh, what now?

RUSSELL: *transmutes a lamp…or something…into a sword* My SWORD is BIGGER than yours.

ED: Oh, yeah? Well at least MINE is REAL!

AL: …ouch.

ED: Time to cross our swords!

RUSSELL/ED SHIPPERS: Yessssss!

RUSSELL: Er….Time to stab you with my impressive blade?

RUSSELL/ED SHIPPERS: Do it! Do it!

ED: Oh fuck it! I'm just going to come over there and break your fake sword!

RUSSELL/ED SHIPPERS: *gasp*

RUSSELL: PH34R MY HOSE OF DEATH *sprays Ed with it*

AL: …Because that's not sexual innuendo at all…

RUSSELL/ED SHIPPERS: Yay!

ED: Oh give it a rest, already!

FLETCHER: *runs in front of Ed getting soaked*

AL: OH NOES! FLETCHER!

ED: Are you okay?

FLETCHER: *cough/hack* RUSSELL I BLAME YOU!

RUSSELL: YOU RAN INTO THE WATER, STUPID HOR!

ALARM: *gets off its lazy ass and rings*

[Ed and Al flee and Mugear shows up]

MUGEAR: Where are the imposters?

RUSSELL: I chased them away.

FLETCHER: Except for the fact that you totally didn't?

RUSSELL: ANYWAY- don't worry about the plot point, it's safe. *holds up red stone made from the red water*

MUGEAR: Excellent…*takes it and uses his fat ass alchemy gun of lameness to bind Russell and Fletcher. Woe.* BWAHAHA!

RUSSELL: What gives?

FLETCHER: *whine* My backside itches!

MUGEAR: I know that you guys are really the imposters- oh, by the way I killed your dad because he was a righteous pussy. Sucks for you, right?

RUSSELL: WHAT? *distraught*

MUGEAR: *smug*

FLETCHER: *cries*

[somewhere else in the mansion some undefined time later.]

MUGEAR: I need you guys to make me a stone.

ED: Say please.

MUGEAR: Please?

ED: Now jump up and down…good….one leg now….that's right….now flap your arms and cluck like a chicken…

AL: *facepalm*

[Ed and Al then rescue Russell and Fletcher and then they go after Mugear who ran off down a secret passage to the red water spring.]

MUGEAR: I WILL NEVER LOSE TO A DIMINUITIVE STATE ALCHEMIST!

ED: Ohhh….fancy word. Well guess what? You're an ignoramus. So there.

MUGEAR: *fires his ghetto canon of lameness*

ED: *administers the smackdown*

SPRING: *gets dead*

MUGEAR: *gets dead*

RUSSELL: Run away! Run away!

AL: Oh no! The red water has turned into a giant tsunami of red death! Woe!

ED: *does some major landscaping*

RUSSELL: Yeah….I could've done that. Totally.

ED: Yeah, whatever. Shut up, Leo.

FLETCHER: *gets his alchemy on*

RUSSELL: *helps in a very Tringhamcesty way*

[The trees then turn red, then bright blue….because ice is that color….then they explode…as frozen trees often do…]

ED: So…tell me. What did this side quest accomplish?

AL: We discovered a major plot point and delivered a lot of fan service….

ED: *sigh*

[In East City East Headquarters...]

ED: Redundant much?

[stfu! That's what the subtitles said ;_;]

ED: Whatever...huh? Where'd Al go

AL: *huddled in a dark corner*

ED: Oh yeah, that doesn't look suspicious

*insert blood curdling pansy scream here coming from inside the building, which happens to be Breda*

BREDA: HELP! IT'S A HUMONGOUS MANBEAST OF DEATH!

BLACK HAYATE: :-)

ED: *walks in* 'sup foolios?

AL: *stomach meows* It was in the rain...

ED: We can't keep it. Cats are a bitch to litter-train

AL: WAH! YOU'RE MEAN BROTHER! *runs off like a sissy*

ED: Any chance we could actually progress in the plotline?

[In Roy's quarters]

ROY: blah blah blah I know all

ED: Who's Dr. Plot Point? He saved billions of people from the red plot point of death. He'd probably be on the front page of the newspaper with all the lives he saves, but I like doing everything the hard way.

ROY: Dunno

ED: ORLY?

ROY: YA RLY!

ED: Oh man, you're good

[In the mess hall]

HUGHES: ELYSIA!

ED: Do you know who Dr. Plot Point is?

HUGHES: SHE CAN RIDE A TRICYCLE AND SHE FOLLOWS ME! OMGWTF!

ED: ...Does ANYONE know who Dr. Plot Point is?

BASQUE GRAN: Oh! Pick me! Pick me! *rambles about Dr. Plot Point and his involvement in the Budafuck war*

[Later]

ED: Well, today I have to get my license renewed...hey I know! I'll challenge Roy to a fight, even though he's probably been in battle longer than I've been alive! But I'm the hero. I always win. Then I can force him to tell me about Dr. Plot Point

AL: Didn't Basque Gran already tell you about him?

ED: ...his mustache was pointy...

[At the battlefield]

ED: *ranting at the crowd*

ROY: blah blah blah I demand satisfaction

ED/ROY: IT'S TIME TO DU-DU-DU-DU-dudududu-DUEL!

ROY: *gets his explosion on*

ED: *gets pwned, but sneaks up behind Roy and cuts his glove* HA! Now you can't blow anything else up! j00 sux0rs! *creates huge mega cannon of death*

ROY: ORLY? You think I only have one glove? I do look like Michael Jackson? *blows up Ed's Mega Cannon of death*

EVERYONE ELSE: *blown up*

ED: you keeled everyone dead, you fucker!

ROY: Oh well, you won

ED: I did? Didn't you just pwn me?

ROY: *goes on to explain everything Basque Gran said before*

ROY: Have fun cleaning the wreckage. I'm gonna go hang with my homie and talk about someone blowing people up from the inside

ED: You suck

AL: Well, I didn't do much, did I? *Al's stomach meows*

[Ed and Al travel to the Town of Hidden Doctors in an attempt to find Dr. Marco]

ED/AL: We're off to see the doctor, the wonderful doctor of Oz!

RANDOM FOOL: Dr. Marco? Sorry, we only know of a Dr. Maro. He's the only doctor in town.

ED: Surely he can't be Marco, even though their names are only one letter off. Not to mention Roy said that Marco was here and there's only one doctor here. No way that's possible

[Mysterious jacket-ed man approaches our two heroes]

ED: Quick Al! To the Ed-cave! *ducks into a mound of straw*

AL: Who is that guy...? Brother...?

ED: Oh sorry...his one strand of hair was curly…

[and so with that immediate threat averted, Ed and Al make their way to the home of this Dr. Maro]

ED: knock knock

MARO: *from the other side of the door* who's there?

ED: Edward

MARO: Edward who?

ED: Edward the fucking Full Metal Alchemist, state alchemist and resident main chara-

[Maro tries to shoot at Ed and Al, but they both have l33t Matrix bullet-dodging skills]

MARO: Oh, you guys aren't here to take me to the military. Sorry about shooting at you and all. How 'bout some tea?

ED/AL: Sure! ^^

MARCO/MARO: [proceeds to whine and bitch and generally ramble on about the horror of the Budafuck war and how not even slitting his wrists would cleanse him of his sins. Woe]

ED: Sure, whatever. Just give me your research. Your house stinks like old man anyway.

[Ed then uses his awesome red plot point senses to run straight to the wall where the red plot point is hidden behind and find the red plot point]

BASQUE GRAN: Thanks for finding us the plot point with your red plot point senses

ED: HAX! You cheater!

BASQUE GRAN: Now, with this red plot point, my power level will rise to 87 billion trillion and I'll be able to go Super Saiyan 7!

AL: You have no hair...

ED: and your mustache is already pointy and standing up...

BASQUE GRAN: DAMN YOU! JUST FOR THAT, I'M GOING TO TAKE MARCO AND STICK HIM IN JAIL, WHERE HE'LL BE SODOMIZED BY AN INEXPLICABLY-REVIVED TUCKER DAILY!

MARCO: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYONE ELSE: Woe

ED: Well, I'm the hero, so I have to save him, even though I have all I want from him.

[Insert awesome chase scene here, where Ed can magically run as fast as the car Gran is driving. Must be the Automail. Scar, the awesome alchemist killer whose pythons you can't find in a zoo, suddenly stands out in the middle of the street and the car stops]

GRAN: Why'd you stop?!

DRIVER: Did you take a look at his guns? He could've ripped the car apart with his bare hands!

GRAN: *facepalms and gets out of the car* Ha! Bad timing. Now that I have this red plot point, I'll be able to defeat you with my awesome powers of Super Saiyan 7. Now let me charge my Ki. *crouches over to look like he's constipated* HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa~~~~~!

SCAR: *grabs Gran's face*

GRAN: *explodes in a fountain of blood and gore*

EVERYONE WATCHING: yay!

ED: *wibbles*

SCAR: Now I have to kill you both

ED: Why?

SCAR: For God

ED: DAMNIT GOD! WHY!?!?!

GOD: *takes out clipboard and makes another hatch mark* God- 5, Edward Elric- 0...hehehe

ED: fuck that *runs and takes Marco with him*

MARCO: No Ed, please. That'll be a lot easier than trying to cut my wrists the proper way.

AL: Brother! In here!

ED: Al? Where were you this entire episode? And how'd you manage to outrun a car by half a block?

AL: Who cares, just get in here!

[Ed does so with Marco and erects a wall to close the alleyway. But Scar uses his right python of holy destruction to blow it up]

SCAR: You have nice eyes...

SCAR/ED SHIPPERS: yay!

SCAR: ...my brother had eyes like yours. Strong eyes that look like they're gazing off into the distance.

SCAR/ED SHIPPERS: double yay!

AL: BROTHER! *leaps in front of Ed to ward off Scar's right python of holy destruction*

ELRICEST FANS: awww!

AL: I can't just let my brother die...I love him

ELRICEST FANS: double aww!!

AL: ...in a brotherly way. You must understand...

SCAR: I do understand. I know what that feels like...

SCAR/HIS BROTHER SHIPPERS: yay!

[Just then, Armstrong blasts through from out of nowhere]

AL: Hey! It's that guy. He was stalking us.

ARMSTRONG: Alex Louis Armstrong has come to end this breeding ground of brotherly love. Alex Louis Armstrong will show you the technique passed down by Alex Louis Armstrong's family from generation to generation. It is the beautiful art style of Alex Louis Armstrong...*blah blah blah blah blah*

AL: Ok, now that he and Scar are fighting, we can escape with Marco. Let's go brother...brother?

ED: Oh sorry...his one strand of hair was curly...

AL: Alright, well let's go...Ed?

ED: Oh sorry...this time it was his sparkles...

AL: *facepalms*

[In the safety of a green meadow...don't ask me who would build a dark alleyway that would lead to a pretty green meadow, but it's there]

MARCO: *whine*

ED: Yeah yeah. You have legs, use them. Blah blah blah. Why did we rescue him again? I thought we already had his red plot point stash.

AL: You're the hero.

ED: Oh...right...

ARMSTRONG: Witness my pretty sparkle powers of death.

SCAR: As long as I have my right arm of impending doom, you cannot win

ARMSTRONG: Indeed...your arms are quite ripped...but can they compare to THIS?!

[Armstrong then proceeds to tear off his shirt]

ARMSTRONG: Can you get me a doctor, because I'm CUT! And now you will pay for taking Alex Louis Armstrong's title of beefiest man of this show!

[Scar dodges the punch, but his glasses get knocked off...for plot purposes of course]

SCAR: Those were $500 sunglasses, asshole!

ARMSTRONG: *gasp!* You are Ishbalan...With those glasses on, you looked like a normal yet totally mysterious white guy to me, but now without them I can totally see that your from a race who's skin color is absolutely different from our own.

SCAR: I don't care! I loved those glasses! *cries like a little girl and makes the entire room explode, because he is just awesome like that*

[Meanwhile, back in a dark alleyway]

AL: Why are we back here? Is this your idea of running away, brother?

ED: Hm...must've taken a wrong turn at Punxsutawney...

AL: Brother...you're holding the map upside down...not to mention that's a map Of Rizembool, not East City.

MARCO: It doesn't matter. He can come to kill me. He deserves his revenge because I'm a bad man *insert incessant whining here*

ED: Why does that man hate you so much?

MARCO: Because I broke his $500 dollar sunglasses

ED: Oh...

MARCO:...and partially because I heavily contributed to the genocide of his people...but mostly the sunglasses. *angst, brood*

ED: *angst, brood*

[meanwhile]

SCAR: *angst, brood*

RANDOM MILLITARY FOOLIO: Hey look, there he is! I can totally see him now that he doesn't have sunglasses *blasts away*

SCAR: My sunglasses...*whisks away*

[back where Ed is]

ED: Was there really a point to that interlude?

AL: We've had entire episodes dedicated to uselessness, remember brother?

ED: True...anyway, let's go back to Rizembool. I actually have a map of that place, and you can meet my stalker, Winry Rockbell, and have your way with her all you-

MARCO: *spaz* No...I can't go back. I don't care if she's underage. Not Rockbell! *runs away*

ED: What's with him? I would've thought that he'd love to have some rancid teen whore pussy. He doesn't get much anymore after all.

AL: *shrug*

[Elsewhere, Scar is surrounded...of course, it's not because he was caught and outsmarted more than the fact that he just wanted an excuse to show off and appear more in the episode rather than just escape into the sewers like he eventually does]

RANDOM MILLITARY FOOLIO: We have you now.

SCAR: *explodes everything within a one mile radius with his right arm of godly strength* That was easy

ROY: You won't find me so easy. Because I am the Flame Alchemist, Roy Mustang, and I have pretty hair, and you do not.

SCAR: I keel you dead! *slow-motion lunge of dramatic buildup*

RIZA: *trips Roy*

ROY: Ow! Damnit woman, you could've ruined my pretty hair

RIZA: You're moist...

ROY: *glances up and down at Riza* no kidding...

ROY/RIZA SHIPPERS: yay!

RIZA: ...And therefore, you're useless

ROY: *wibble*

HAVOC: I can see who wears the pants in this relationship

SCAR: *is long gone by this point*

[In another undisclosed area]

AL: Maybe we should stop and ask for directions. I think we're lost again.

ED: No way. I totally know where we are

AL: My irony senses are telling me that you're leading us straight into danger.

ED: Nonsense! We both know Marco's a pussy, so he'll want to go the safest way possible so that he doesn't get killed by ths sunglasses guy. And we're definitely on that path...

[Scar leaps out from nowhere and proceeds to pwn the Elric Brothers]

AL: Yeah, safest route, huh?

SCAR: Now I will kill you until you die from it, because God's having fun watching you squirm. The only thing is that I won't really kill you because you're the hero and God wants to fuck with your head for the rest of the series for believing in science.

ED: Why do you even use alchemy? Doesn't your people call it evil?

SCAR: I do whatever my arm commands me, even if it's against God's will!

SCAR'S ARM: yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss *insert devious cackle here*

ED: *angst* Oh well, you can kill me now. It doesn't matter that I didn't break your glasses. I'm just an angst tank like that.

MARCO: *holds out a red pebble* Ha! I knew my Fruity Pebbles cereal would come in handy.

SCAR: NO! NOT FRUITY PEBBLES!

SCAR'S ARM: mmm...fruity pebbles

MARCO: *throws the red plot point fruity pebble at Scar, and his right arm absorbs it*

SCAR'S ARM: tasty

SCAR: No! ARGH! It hurts! Visions of Fred and Barney dancing all around! "Barney! Give back my pebbles!" *flees for his sanity*

ED: Wow, How did you make him see hallucinations of Fred and Barney?

MARCO: I added some marijuana

ED: So THAT'S why no one could create the philosopher's stone. I guess all those liberal stoners were right when they said that it was the secret to life.

MARCO: Only it's really not, because that would be too easy

ED: *angst*

MARCO: So now if you'll excuse me, I'd rather be sodomized daily by an inexplicably-revived Tucker in jail than have sex with Winry. *turns himself in*

AL: Hm...that would be a hard choice, wouldn't it

ED: Yep...Ah shit. Now that Mr. Pebbles-hater broke my arm, we're going to have to go see Winry again

AL: Oh no!

ED: yeah...not to mention 3/4ths of your body is blown up, but no one cares, because you don't do anything useful

AL: Way to improve my self esteem! *arm falls off* WAAAAAHHHH YOU MADE MY ARM FALL OFF YOU MEANIE!

[In some undisclosed location in East City]

AL: Alright brother, let's overview shall we? We needed to talk to Marco about the Philosopher's Stone, but he didn't tell us anything since he was all wrapped up in angsting. Not only that, but we lost him, with no way to find his research. And our bodies are completely mauled and now we're forced to go visit Winry. So where does that put us in a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of how much closer we are to realizing our goals?

ED: neeeeegatiiive...two?

AL: Precisely

ED:...or at least we would be, if I didn't have THIS! *pulls out a crumpled up piece of paper and unfolds it*

AL: Brother, that's a list of all the girls Colonel Mustang dated in the last two years.

ED: Oh...sorry...wrong paper...ehehehe...you saw nothing *quickly re-crumples the paper and pulls out another one, this time with the words 'National Central Library 1st Branch. The Genuine truth behind truths. Tim Marcoh"*

AL: Marcoh? I thought his name was Marco

[Ed reads on. Underneath the signature, it reads as follows: "Marco. Tim Marco. Fuck, I wish there was a pencil around here, but I broke them all when trying to gouge my eyes out as repentance for my sins. Now everyone's going to see that I couldn't spell my own name right. Damn the luck. Damn it all!"]

AL: Where did you even get this? I didn't see him giving you anything

ED: Well, it was kind of hanging out

AL: You stole it from him?!

ED: 'steal' is such an ugly word...I prefer to say that I borrowed it without any real intention or promise to give it back to him.

AL: Ok, whatever. So what does it mean?

ED: Are you that dense?

AL: I'm made of steel after all...

ED: NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! And yet you proved my point anyway...BUT BACK ON TOPIC, it clearly means that the secret to his research is in the National Central Library 1st Branch.

AL: How do you know that it wasn't just a list of a book he wanted to go pick up at the Central Library? Or maybe he was supposed to meet a girl there and he didn't just want to forget about where he was supposed to meet her?

ED: Al Al Al...when you're the main character like I am, things just come to you...naturally, you know. Like a 6th sense.

AL: The last time you 'sensed' something, it led to you getting your arm blown off and me getting 3/4ths of my body destroyed.

ED: Shut it!

[At the train station]

HUGHES: Yo Ed!

ED: Aren't you supposed to be with the Fuhrer's party?

HUGHES: Do I ever do what I'm told?

ED: Then how bout you switch places with him? *jerks finger at Armstrong, who is busy sparkling and flexing his overly beefy and effeminately manly muscles...don't ask how that works, but it does*

HUGHES: I've just come to tell you that Elysia is so cute!

ED: ...I recant my previous statement

HUGHES: Oh, and that Scar was behind the killing of Super Plot Point

ED: It took you that long to figure out? Even though there's no other being in the history of ever who could blow someone up from the inside like Scar did to Super Plot Point?

HUGHES: Well Elysia was being born at the time and I...

ED: Stop. Stop now. I don't even want to hear it. I don't care.

HUGHES: Well anyway, I'll submit a request to enter the FIRST BRANCH LIBRARY for you

ED: Why did you shout out the name? I thought military men were supposed to be secretive about what they do.

HUGHES: Do I ever follow protocol? Besides, that was for important purposes.

ED: Of the plot variety?

HUGHES: If I told you, I'd have to kill you

ED: You know what? Forget it. I don't care. Just do what you want. I'm going to go get myself fixed.

HUGHES: Oh right, as if you have the power to control when this train moves.

[the train sounds it's whistle, meaning it's time for it to depart]

HUGHES: Wai-...How...?

ED: Main character, Hughes. Main character.

[The train departs, leaving a baffled Hughes in it's wake. Meanwhile, some annoying punk kid runs to a dark corner where a familiar evil, badass red-eyed man lurks...evilly]

ANOYING BRAT: Central City's first branch...something...

SCAR: Real help you are...oh well, here's your sister *tosses a bloody corpse in his direction*

ANOYING BRAT KID: AAAAAAAH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER!? YOU SAID SHE'D BE OK IF I OBEYED YOU! SISTER!!!!! *faints*

SCAR: I'm just fucking with you. Relax...that was some other fool's sister I blew up. Here's your sister *tosses another bloody corpse to him. The kid essentially dies* Okok...now I'm serious *give the kid back his sister*. Now I'll get them back for ruining my sunglasses.

ANOYING KID: Why do you care that they broke your sunglasses?

SCAR: Because I'm secretly a vampire, and looking into the light melts my skin. Why do you think I'm lurking in this dark corner and have red eyes?

ANOYING KID: Seriously?

SCAR: No, but I think I've done enough emotional damage to fuck you up for the rest of your life. *takes his leave by blowing up a huge stack of salt bags...because he's not a ninja and doesn't have smoke bombs of his own*

[Meanwhile, in a hotel room, because the Fuhrer didn't really want to imprison Marco. He just wanted to let Marco stay at a Marriot Hotel for one day in his pathetic life. Marco is occupied angsting and hears a knock at the door. He opens it to see a really busty girl on the other side]

MARCO: Oh....heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey sweet stuff. How bout you- *notices the tattoo between her breastes* Ah shit..

LUST: Where did you put your research?

MARCO: Why do you care?

LUST: Because we've been searching for it for 16 whole episodes, even though I've only made a passing glance in about 3 of those. Now tell to me.

MARCO: No

LUST: Yes

MARCO: No

LUST: Yes

MARCO: No

LUST: I keel you dead *fingers Marco*

MARCO/LUST SHIPPER(S): yay!

EVERYONE ELSE (essentially everyone): WTF?

LUST: ...Not like that

MARCO: ORLY? How bout I keel YOU dead! *makes a transmutation circle with his blood and penetrates Lust with a huge spear-like object*

MARCO/LUST SHIPPER(S): yay!

EVERYONE ELSE (essentially everyone): WTF?

MARCO: ...Not like that

LUST: *who's still alive, because she's an immortal hottie like that* How bout Gluttony keels this maid dead?

[And Gluttony reveals his 400 lbs self, about to gnaw on the head of an innocent maid, though not of the French frilly dress variety]

MARCO: NO! ANYONE BUT MY SERVICE WOMAN!

LUST: So will you tell me?

MARCO: ...for sex

LUST: No

MARCO: Ok fine...

[And now we return to our two heroes and their burly bodyguard. Actually, I'm going to skip the rest of this episode, because the only things that happen is that Al gets his dumb ass stolen by some other kid only to freak him the fuck out later, like he should have done before the kid abducted him. Oh yeah, and Ed gets pwned by a little girl who's ALMOST as short as he is. She smashes him over the head with a box and steals his prosthetic leg so that Ed stumbles around like a ninny. Some trained State Alchemist he is...can't even defend himself against a little 8 year old girl. And what does Armstrong do in this situation of crisis? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Well played, man of men.Anyway, our bumbling heroes are saved solely by pure dumb luck, and for Ed: his title of main character. And they all make their way to Rizembool where Winry will try to have raunchy teen sex with Ed even though she's only 13 and probably doesn't know what the meaning of a blowjob is, while Ed angsts and broods about his past. Woe]