Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Gossip ❯ Gossip ( One-Shot )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]

Edward Elric did not like gossip.

He hated hearing it, hated people telling it, but especially he hated it when it was about him.

It all started with the fight....

RoyEd. Oneshot. Possible prequel to "Milk". Please note this fic contains a male-male pairing of Roy and Ed. I do not own FMA, that�s Arakawa-sensei. There several perverted jokes, some swearing, and some kissing. If you don't like, don't read! Thank you.

Anime/Manga: Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Romance | Type: Shounen-ai | Uploaded On: 09.24.2006 | Updated On: 09.24.2006 | Pages: 12 | Words: 8.5K | Visits: 544 | Status: Completed

This is actually my third RoyEd fic, but it is a possible prequel to my second, so it goes up first. I hope you enjoy.

RoyEd. Oneshot. Please note this fic contains a male-male pairing of Roy and Ed. I do not own FMA, that's Arakawa-sensei. There several perverted jokes, some swearing, and some kissing. If you don't like, don't read! Thank you.

Gossip

Edward Elric did not like gossip.

He hated hearing it, hated people telling it, but mostly he hated it when it was about him. Or people he knew. It was infuriating, because most gossip wasn't even true!

So it was pretty lucky that he had no idea how much people were gossiping about him.

It all started with the fight.

Ed, for his assessment, had challenged Roy to a fight, to prove his worth. That had gone down in history, without a doubt. People still talked about it months later. They had had to clean the parade grounds, which were demolished, but it had been worth it in both of their opinions. Each thought they had had clearly won the battle, and thought the other had put up a weak front.

“The cannon was entirely overdone,” Roy said carelessly, right after the battle.

“He hesitated in the end! I could have finished him!” Ed said, eyes gleaming.

Afterwards, they had had a fierce debate in Roy's office.

With the door shut.

And locked.

This wasn't too unusual; other than the fact that Roy never remembered to lock his door, it seemed perfectly normal for the two to finish the battle using wits and words. But unfortunately for Roy's staff, the battle between those two never would end.

“I won and you know it! I had you at the end!” The sun had gone down and they had quit cleaning the parade grounds for the day. It was already about seven in the evening, but their day was only just getting started.

“Edward, you were running from me the entire time.”

“But I had you at the end!”

Then came the insults, around nine 'o clock at night. By this time the entire staff had gathered to hear the end of it. They started betting at around ten.

“You little pipsqueak, you know I won!”

“WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK, YOU EGOTISTICAL JERK?!”

This continued in vain for sometime, until around eleven at night, when the insults got personal.

“I'm not the one who dabbled in human transmutation when I didn't know what I was doing!”

A silent gasp from the crowd of eavesdroppers.

“I'm not the one who killed hundreds in Ishbal!”

“Ooooh, low,” whispered Havoc.

“I'm not the reason your brother doesn't have a body!”

“Ouch,” said Hughes.

“Well I'm not the one who killed the Rockbells!”

“Can I take my bet back?” Breda asked Fury, who shook his head no.

And that too went on for quite sometime, with everyone in the building listening in, until around midnight their voices dropped to murmurs and could no longer be heard.

“I hate you,” Ed said, shoulders shaking. He was crying.

“You don't even know what hate is,” Roy said, also wiping his eyes.

And then, around one-thirty in the morning, they finally voiced their unspoken attractions; Ed told Roy he hated him once more and kissed him, and the office went quiet as they lay on Roy's couch, kissing until they fell asleep in each other's arms and then cuddling there until dawn.

Of course the entire staff was crouched beside Roy's locked door, but after the voices dropped they couldn't hear any of the conversation. The windows were all shut and locked with the curtains drawn, so eventually, with the voices still murmuring, the staff dispersed around one in the morning.

Which of course meant they missed the best part.

By a mere half hour, no less.

The following day at six sharp everyone reported to work, too fearful of Hawkeye's pistol to be late, no matter how tired they were from staying up the night before. They tried Roy's door, and found it still locked. A cautious peek in the crack at the bottom of the door revealed that Roy and Ed were in there, silently and grimly putting the office—which looked like a tornado had hit it—back together.

They all leaned on the door, listening for conversation. Ed frowned when he thought he heard noise, put a finger to his lips, and pulled the door open. They all fell into the office, looking disheveled.

Ed raised an eyebrow.

“So, um, who won?” Havoc asked.

“GET OUT!” Roy and Ed both yelled at him, throwing things. He got out, closely followed by everyone else, and the bets on who'd win the argument were never settled.

At lunch break the next day people went to eat and stopped trying to listen in at the office door. Ed and Roy finished cleaning the office and sat back to yawn.

“I'm tired.”

“Me too.”

They started kissing again, and by the time lunch break was over, they decided to go to Roy's house for a “coffee break” even though Ed hated coffee.

“Sir, where are you going?” Hawkeye asked him on his way out. He flashed her a smile.

“A coffee break, Riza, is all. I'm taking Fullmetal so I have something to prop my feet on.”

“HEY! YOU WOULDN'T FEEL LIKE YOU WERE LOOKING DOWN IF YOUR HEAD WASN'T ABOUT TO FLOAT AWAY WITH YOU!”

Roy smirked and dragged Edward behind him to his car.

Hawkeye stared after them.

And so the gossip started.

“Maybe they're going somewhere to fight each other where no one can see,” Breda suggested later.

“No, they'd come back looking beat up,” Fury said, frowning.

And so they wondered.

Hughes followed his friend and Ed back to Roy's house one day when it was raining—Roy had left early to be at home, because rain bothered him—then knocked on the door.

Roy answered, but after a few seconds. His hair was disheveled. And his shirt was partially unbuttoned. Clothes lay on the floor behind him, but no one else was in sight.

“Oh, sorry,” Hughes said, feigning innocence. “I didn't know you were busy....”

“Quite all right, Maes,” Roy said, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to make it look normal. He always did that when he was caught at something he was trying not to get caught at—usually, though, it was avoiding paperwork.

Hughes recognized the gesture.

“So who is she, that you have to hide her? Who are you getting it on with today?”

Roy flushed. “I can tell you I'm getting it on but there's no she involved.”

“Roy! No way! You're...gay?”

“Afraid so,” Roy sighed.

“So who is he?”

Roy shot him a patronized look.

“You know who, Hughes.”

“No way...you can't be...doing the shorty?”

“Shh!” Roy warned frantically. “Don't—”

“DON'T CALL ME SMALL!” Ed came out, naked, but with his fists raised. Roy slapped his forehead with his hand. “I'LL BREAK DOWN YOUR FEET AND STICK THEM ON YOUR HEAD!”

Hughes cracked up and Ed turned very, very red, and left immediately.

The next day at work, everyone was still talking about them.

“I just wonder what's going on.”

“Me too. I want to know why they haven't killed each other yet.”

“Is someone blackmailing them?”

Hughes smiled. “You know, it really isn't any of your business,” he said, a sly grin playing across his face. He was immediately pounced.

“You know!” Farman said. “Tell us! What's going on?”

“Mm, but it's time for me to get off of work,” Hughes said. “So I think I'll go home and see Elysia. Unless you all wanted pictures...?”

“NO!”

“Didn't think so.”

Rumors were made up. Bets were placed. But still no one even came close to guessing the real reason behind what was happening. It was too weird to them to even cross their minds!

On one day, when Ed and Al were visiting Winry—she had come in from their village just to see them—Scar attacked. He spotted Ed's chain and in the middle of the coffee house attacked Ed. Ed, caught by surprise, was tackled to the ground.

But it wasn't long before Roy and his team showed up. Roy tackled Scar off of Ed just as the Ishbalan was ready to kill. Al made some plants from alchemy and they snaked toward him, tying him up where he was harmless.

“Hawkeye, shoot him,” Roy commanded.

“Yes sir!” She fired, hitting Scar on the shoulder. He struggled, but it wasn't long before he fell limp.

Hawkeye grinned at Roy.

“So, do I get a kiss for saving your butt?”

“Mmm....” Roy shot a glance at Ed, then kissed her on the cheek.

There were whispers.

“The womanizer calls that a kiss?”

“Come Colonel, you can do better than that!”

Ed laughed. “Come on, if he kissed everyone who saved his life, he'd never stop. Besides, that means kissing Al too.”

“Eww!” Al ran out of there. “Gross!”

Roy glared at Ed. Ed grinned. People began to laugh and disperse, and Roy's glare changed to a smile. He mouthed at Ed, “Thank you.”

Ed just made a face at him, still grinning.

“Wow, I know you're ugly, Mustang,” Ed continued, “but if you've got people running from you, you really have issues.”

Roy got pissed.

“Fullmetal—”

“Oh, I don't know,” Hawkeye said, and Roy suddenly noticed how extremely close to him she was. “Seems good looking enough to me.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed close against him, and the next thing anyone knew she'd tackled him to the floor.

“Hawkeye, cut that out!” Roy asked, freaking out. He looked around for Ed, who'd left already. Damn it!

“Why, too embarrassed?”

“...get off....”

From the people who remained cleaning the mess Scar had made, there was a collective gasp.

“Why?”

“Damn it Lieutenant I said get off! That's an order!”

Hawkeye jumped up to salute him, and he stood and saluted her back.

There was dead silence on the way back to the base. Roy Mustang, the womanizer, telling a woman to get off? And Hawkeye no less...he had once boasted she was the very reason he wanted to make everyone in the compound wear miniskirts. Of course he was slapped afterwards, but...what the hell was wrong with him? It just wasn't right!

Roy was glad to get back to his office and shut the door. “Bastards....”

Unfortunately, Ed, who was small for his age, was hiding beneath his desk in the hollow that was made for legroom. Roy was facing the window and not the desk, and Ed, being as tiny as he was, had plenty of room. He grinned, then reached out and grabbed Roy's leg, letting out an almighty yell.

“HOLY SHIT!” Roy yelled, falling over backwards and taking the chair with him. Then he heard Ed's laughter. “Ed, what the hell are you doing under my desk?”

“Practicing,” Ed said innocently. “Aah, I've been wanting to do that forever. Just thought I'd cheer you up.” Being hit on by someone you didn't like was no picnic. Ed, who had lived with Winry most of his life, definitely knew that.

Roy rubbed his temples.

“You're dismissed, Ed, get back to work.”

Ed frowned. “Fine, be all stiff like that.” He reached the door when Roy spoke again.

“I'm having a coffee break in an hour, if you're interested.”

Ed grinned.

“Of course I am, what did you think I was trying to practice?”

Before Roy could digest that comment, Ed had laughed and exited the room. He had his arms folded behind his head, and was humming cheerfully. Unfortunately for him there was someone in the hallway who knew that Ed usually left Roy's office in the worst of moods.

“Hey, Edward,” Hawkeye said, falling into step. “You look pretty happy for having just getting out of Colonel Mustang's office. He say something to cheer you up?”

“Err...no.” Ed felt a slight blush crawl up his face. “I just gave the guy a heart attack, what do you expect? The look on his face was priceless! Wouldn't that put anyone in a good mood?”

“Hmm. I suppose so. Well I'll see you Ed.” She turned away down one of the hallways.

Ed scratched the back of his head and shrugged. How weird....

“I just don't get it,” Fury said in the locker room as Hawkeye entered. “He never leaves early to go on dates anymore. He used to all the time.”

“Where do you think they go on all those coffee breaks, anyway?” Breda said. “I'm sure they're doing something behind the scenes to settle the fight.”

“Me too,” agreed several other people. “But what?”

Hughes entered the room and listened to them. He and Hawkeye, who were both unnoticed, exchanged grins.

“Maybe he really does go to get coffee,” Havoc said, taking a drag on his cigarette. “That's not so unreasonable.”

“No, they hate each other. You should have seen Ed rip into him at the coffee house, calling him ugly and all. Besides, Ed hates coffee because it has milk in it,” Fury said wisely. “And really, no kid likes coffee anyway.”

“He could get juice.”

“Maybe they don't even go to the coffee shop at all,” Farman suggested.

“Ooh.”

“You know,” Hawkeye said from the corner, looking nonchalant, “I wasn't flirting to make myself look like a slut.”

Hughes grinned.

“Oh yeah?” Breda asked curiously.

“Yes. I was actually testing a theory. Come on ladies, you must know by now something's up.”

“Well yeah, it's odd for him to pass up a pair of knockers touching him. Really, you were doing a damn good job out there. And Roy did always say how he wanted to see you in a miniskirt....”

“You know, I just spoke to Ed...he left the Colonel's office looking rather...happy.”

There was a hushed silence.

“You don't think...? Fullmetal and Flame—!?” Armstrong struck a dramatic pose, in shock.

“Nooo!” everyone said. “That would just be too weird.”

They all thought.

“Maybe Fullmetal turned him gay,” Breda said. “I noticed they don't insult each other as much when they're not in front of a lot of people!”

“Same,” replied everyone else.

“But how will we ever know for sure?”

Hughes began to laugh.

“Just ask,” he said. “That's what I did.” And before they could pounce him for information, he was gone.

And so they all left for Mustang's office.

Ed just happened to be in the said office at the time, taking his aforementioned coffee break. He and Roy were kissing rather passionately on the couch, with the door locked. It was just kissing; Ed had insisted they practice so he could refine his techniques. Roy enjoyed the kissing games, they were just as much fun as anything else.

There was a knock on the door.

Both males jumped up and looked around wildly.

“Get under the desk!” Roy hissed. There was a lot of shuffling around as Ed situated himself in a hiding place.

The people outside the door raised their eyebrows.

Roy coughed and pulled open the door.

“What are you all doing here?” he said, frowning. “I'm busy.”

“Doing what?” Havoc asked wisely, letting himself in and yanking Ed out from under the desk. “Doing Fullmetal?” he yelled dramatically.

Ed blushed deeply and struggled.

“Hey, lemme go!”

“Relax, shorty,” Havoc said, dropping Ed and putting one hand on the back of his head.

“DON'T CALL ME SHORT!”

Havoc grinned.

“We have to ask you something,” Hawkeye said.

“Well, what is it? I have a lot of paperwork left!”

“Please. You'd do anything to get out of paperwork.”

“We're just wondering if you'd do anyone, too.”

“What?” Roy asked, uneasy. “Just tell me what you want.”

“Well....” Havoc moved closer. “Are you gay?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you homosexual? A fudge-packer? A rainbow lover? Do you like meat or tacos?”

“HAVOC!” Roy yelled, embarrassed. “I know what gay means, thank you!”

“Then why ask me to repeat it?” Havoc started to laugh.

“I was shocked you'd assume such things.”

Ed snickered quietly and everyone turned to look at him. He desisted.

“Well, are you?” Hawkeye continued matter-of-factly. Roy sighed.

“Look, guys....”

“Are you?”

“Come on, tell us!”

“We won't tell.”

“Fine. Yes, I am.”

Oohs and aahs ensued.

“Since when?”

“Um...I don't know.”

“Since the shorty!” Havoc laughed.

“SHUT UP!”

Roy put a hand in Ed's face to push him back and keep him from attacking Havoc.

“Am I right?” Havoc asked.

“Is it true, Colonel?!” Armstrong added the dramatic touch. “Do you love Fullmetal?!”

Ed blushed deeply. Now what?

“...y-yes....”

“Oh! That is so beautiful!” Armstrong sniffled, little shinies everywhere. Everyone moved away from him.

“Sir!” Hawkeye turned to him and saluted. “Your secret is safe with us!”

“I...thank you, Riza....”

“As for you, pipsqueak,” Havoc continued, “You still have to help us around here even if you can't walk straight in the mornings.”

“HEY!”

x-x-x

But there was still the matter of who won the fight.

Ed and Roy had fought it out in as many ways as they could think of, but it still hadn't been resolved. No bets had been won or lost.

Roy came in early the next morning. He and his “minions” usually all had breakfast in the conference room, but they all started giggling and whispering when he came in.

“Um?” Roy asked. “Quit that gossiping.”

When Ed walked in though, it just got worse.

He sat down next to Roy, feeling himself blush. He couldn't even think of a comeback!

“Morning,” Ed told Roy, unnerved. He finally snapped and yelled at everyone, “WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT?! I'M NOT GOING TO DO A MAGIC TRICK SO JUST EAT ALREADY!”

Silence.

Roy smirked and placed a kiss on Ed's lips.

Ed blinked.

Everyone let out the breath they'd been holding and acted normally.

“What?” Roy asked Ed, grinning. “Can't kiss you in public?”

“You—but—well, yes—but—”

“And I can't show that I love you in public?” He laughed. “Relax. Nobody cares, and if they do....” Roy created a little friction with his gloves. “They know what they'll be facing.”

“Not much,” Ed said, striking a pose. “I'm the tougher challenge!”

“Oh I'm sure,” Roy laughed. “`Look at me, I'm Fullmetal and I'm half your size! Just say the word short to me and I get really mad and forget how to fight correctly!'”

Everyone was now paying attention again.

“I AM NOT SHORT! IF YOUR HEAD WASN'T FLOATING THROUGH THE ROOF YOU WOULDN'T BE LOOKING DOWN!”

“Mmm, no, I look up to Armstrong, so my head can't be that full. Just look at you, shorty. I just mention someone calling you short and you lose your cool. You'd think that'd be me. The Flame Alchemist; a fiery personality. But no. You, like most women, would have to agree the flames come during the sex.”

He was hoping to embarrass Ed, which he did. Everyone was staring at them now, heads moving back and forth as the two went at each other.

“DON'T CALL ME SHORTY! You're just jealous that you don't have my good looks and youthfulness and you wish you could be as cool as me!”

“Your good looks? I beg to differ. I'd have to say I'm the one who shines. And as cool as you? I create all the friction when we're going at it. You don't seem to mind it when you start begging for more.”

Ed's eyes narrowed. It was on now.

“And who was the one who got on his knees and begged for it the first time I was on top, eh? You're damn right my good looks, you can't keep your hands off of me!”

“Well who was the one who got pinned to the desk that one time?”

“You can't even handle a little stress test, see how bad I freaked you out the other day?”

“Oh, you want to see excitement for the heart?” Roy gave him a fierce, deep kiss. “You're too scared to even admit it in front of others. See? You're blushing.”

“I am not.” Ed stood up on the chair and yelled, “SEE THIS ASSHOLE? I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM! Though I gotta say, his ass is prettier than his face.”

“Ooooh!” they all cheered at this one.

“I happen to think you look better from behind too, Fullmetal.”

People were starting to get freaked out.

“Yeah well, my young fit body is way cooler than yours!”

“Oh yeah?” Roy got up and tackled Ed to the ground, grinding against his butt. “How is that for weak!?”

He realized everyone was staring and got back up, remembering he and Ed weren't alone. When everyone kept staring, he barked out, “WHAT?! GET BACK TO WHAT YOU WERE DOING!”

Ed started to laugh.

“Embarrassed, Colonel?”

“I—I—”

Ed grinned and folded his arms behind his head. “I win. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Roy conceded. “You win.”

And finally the gossip stopped.

Fin.