Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 1 - Taiyou ni Idomu Mono ( Chapter 1 )

Edward: Don't worry, it's perfect.

Alphonse: I think you're full of shit, but I'm not going to disagree with you.

Voiceover!Alphonse: Alchemy is a SCIENCE! Ignore all the flashing gold lights.

Mustang: I have no lines in this episode, dammit.

Edward: Al! Al! Alphonse! Wait a minute, is all this blood going to be cut out of the American release?

Edward: Kaa-san?

Mom: Edward! Is this what you call "doing your homework?"

Edward: ARRRRRGGGGHHH!


*flash forward*


Edward: Check me out, I have a braid now. And for some reason, although I'm walking through a burning desert with my coat and gloves on, I'm thinking more about bread than water. Clearly something has become disconnected in my head, probably shortly after I was born. Either that or I'm even less human than I look.

Alphonse: Help, Nii-san! Somehow I, an empty suit of armor, managed to sink in sand that you, with your 300 pounds of automail, can walk on safely.


*Title card : Those who challenge the sun*


Alphonse: Blood looks so similar to wine.

Edward: You've seen enough blood to know the difference, that line was for the cabbages in the audience.

Old guy: Time to listen to Cornello drone on in a monotone!

Edward: Even a first-year theology student can come up with a better sermon than this.

Old guy: Are you two street performers?

Edward: ... In what city of this world do we ever see street performers at any point in the future?

*Alphonse breaks a radio*

Edward: I'll fix it.

Alphonse: No, if you fixed it, that would give away that you don't need an array to transmute. I'll do it instead even though it'll take me ten times as long. This will also prove that I'm not useless when I have a couple of minutes to sketch out an array with chalk.

Old guy: What's that?

Edward: It's a transmutation array. This line is also for the cabbages in the audience, since one would think that any citizen of this country that CRUSHES THOSE WHO HATE ALCHEMY would be familiar with what a frickin' array looks like.

Alphonse: Look, I don't have to lay my hands on the array to get it to work. You will never see this ability from me again.

Lust: The Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward Elric. You're quite famous around East City, and you're said to be a genius alchemist. I'm not immune to cabbage-lines.

Crowd: Aha, you must be called Fullmetal because you wear all this armor?

Alphonse: Pay attention, this will be a running joke.

Crowd: Oh, you mean that chibi kid over there is Fullmetal?

Edward: Pay attention, this will be a running joke too. People on the Internet will be writing Ed-rants from now unto eternity.

Old guy: Hey Rose, could you take these two to the temple? The plot won't advance if they stay in an inn in the town like normal people.

Edward: I'm not interested in religion, but I'm not above pretending long enough to get into Rose's ... temple.

Alphonse: I think this is a wacky idea, but I'm not going to disagree with you.

Rose: I just met you, but because you're cute and I'm female, I feel free to tease you about your height.

Edward: Please let me kill you.


*commercial break*


Cornello: I can drone empty platitudes for hours. It's all about pacing yourself.

Rose: Can some travelers stay in the temple? Because as High Priest, you micromanage every aspect of the temple's functioning.

Cornello: You seem to serve God daily. What this accomplishes for you is another story. More time is needed for a miracle to occur, because God is limited like that.


*back in the Elrics' room*


Alphonse: I heard that the dead would come back to life.

Edward: Yeah, you heard that from me right before you turned into a pile of bloody clothes. You going to believe it now?


*outside the temple*


Rose: So what do you think of the High Priest's miracles?

Edward: Here's the real miracle - I'm standing on my suitcase and nobody has made a height joke yet.

Alphonse: And you're still shorter than I am.

Edward: Remember, alchemy is a SCIENCE!


*back in Cornello's office*


Clay: How did you know these guys were the Elrics?

Cornello: Err, um ... of course I can recognize the Fullmetal Alchemist, even all the way across a crowd. He was standing on his suitcase after all! It's not like a homunculus told me or anything!


*inside the temple*


Edward: I know that you're very religious, so I will throw my atheism in your face like a gauntlet. Oh, and don't forget, alchemists are SCIENTISTS!

Rose: You're not a god!

Edward: Maybe not, but my fans worship me anyway.

*bang!*

Clay: These people are the enemies of God!

Edward: Your god sucks. And what a coincidence, so do you.

Rose: EEEEEK!

Edward: Don't freak out, it's just an empty suit of armor. You act like you've never seen one before.

Alphonse: My brother and I were punished. Me more than him, which is SO TERRIBLY UNFAIR although I would never say that! Because the script says I'm supposed to be grateful for some reason, even though he looks damned good in that jacket and I'm just goofy-looking.

Cornello: Thanks for bringing them here, Rose. Even though you just ran in fear and they sort of followed you without you asking them to.

Edward: Let me just lay out here that I know all about your Philosopher's Stone and a lot about your evil plan for your followers.

Cornello: Let me confirm your suspicions. Let's have no secrets between us, State Alchemist!

Edward: The Philosopher's Stone is the only way to get around the principle of equivalent trade. Remember, alchemy is a SCIENCE! Unless you get a magic rock. And this line was for the cabbages in the audience.

Cornello: If you take away my magic rock, what will happen to the people of this town? What do you think, Rose?

Edward: Rose! He's just a third-rate swindler!

Alphonse: Rose, let me explain!

Rose: Yes! Please! Fight over my soul!

Edward: We need your magic rock, hand it over and I won't tell anybody what you're up to.

Cornello: You alchemists are amoral little bastards, aren't you?

Edward: You know it!

Cornello: Sharing time is over, time to kill you.

Edward: Good thing you decided to send chimeras after me, and not, for instance, drop the ceiling on me. Scar would have dropped the ceiling on me. You suck. Watch as I demonstrate that I don't need an array to transmute!

Alphonse: You could have done that fifteen minutes ago if you'd fixed the damned radio yourself.

Edward: And don't I look sexy with my coat flying up and blue sparks leaping from my fingertips. Remember, alchemy is a SCIENCE! By the way, it was really considerate for your chimeras to only attack my automail and not the less puncture-resistant parts of me.

Lust: This is the third time I appear in this episode despite not really doing much of anything. I have to make up for the upcoming background episodes in which I will not appear at all.

Edward: As long as we're not having any secrets, let me show you my automail. I could have kept it a secret awhile longer, but then the cabbages in the audience would just have been confused.

Cornello: So that's why you're called Fullmetal!

Edward: Not that this is going to be a surprise to anybody who reads series summaries, or watches trailers.