Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 3 - Okaasan ... ( Chapter 3 )

Edward: Dammit, we're the only characters in the pre-credits bit. I guess we have to do the recap and fill people in about wanting the Philosopher's Stone, and how the Stone that the High Priest had was a fake.

Alphonse: Where in the hell are we anyway?

Edward: Although we were seen leaving Lior at the end of the last episode, we have to still be in Lior. I'll say something about returning to Central City here, even though I'm based out of East City, and go back to East City in Episode 13.

Alphonse: Look, an Introduction to Alchemy book! We can use this to segue into the flashback episodes!


*flash back*


Winry: I wonder how many people will notice that this array you've drawn is not the same array that you were shown using in the preview for this episode at the end of the last one?

Edward: Probably nobody.

Alphonse: More people will notice that the text of the alchemy book is a review for a D&D sourcebook.

Winry: EEEEK! Only a boy could think that a writhing, throbbing pillar is a good thing to give a girl!

Voiceover!Alphonse: That was our first transmutation. Because we weren't smart enough to practice before showing off. Wait a minute, how did I get stuck narrating the equivalent trade crap at the beginning of each of the fifty remaining episodes?


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Mom ...*


Mr. Rockbell: Let's blame Winry for freaking out when she saw a writhing, throbbing pillar in the middle of a circle of glowing gold light.

Trisha: Great idea!

Pinako: Those two are excellent alchemists now. After their first transmutation. Excellent. Outstanding.

Trisha: I wonder how they know how to do alchemy.

Pinako: It's clearly genetic. Like how bees know how to build hexagons.

Edward: Look at how adorably cross-eyed I am when six years old.

Alphonse: That sheet that Kaa-san is hanging out ... that's not because I'm a bed-wetter! I spilled my milk!

Edward: Yeah right.

Alphonse: Who's narrating this, you or me?

Edward: Just when are you going to stop calling me Nii-chan and start calling me Nii-san?

Alphonse: Later in the episode, just pay attention. By the way, do you hate O-tou-san?

Edward: Yeah, he's the one who convinced Kaa-san to buy these ugly sandals for me. Is this any way for a future Fullmetal Alchemist to dress?


*at Winry's place*


Winry: Leave me to my misery, my parents are dead. Pay attention to what I say about them, because this will be a minor thread of continuity and a source of angst in the future.

Edward: I have foreshadowing to convey.

Pinako: And I have some cabbage-lines. Is nobody immune?


*back home*


Trisha: What's the matter, Edward? You're a big boy now.

Alphonse: He's the same size as me!


*later*


Edward: At age 10, my mother finally stops dressing me funny!

Trisha: I've fallen and I can't get up!

Doctor: This is what we call the "bard's disease." It has no real cause, and it has no medical name, it just causes wasting away and eventually death for no reason. Usually comes on those who have been separated from their true loves.

Trisha: There's money. Use it, and cooperate, and live together. No, I am not promoting Elricest by this suggestion!

Edward: ... what?

Trisha: Could you transmute something for me, Edward?

Alphonse: My alchemy isn't good enough for you while you're laying there dying? What the hell! It sucks to be the younger and less gifted brother.

Voicover!Alphonse: That's when we realized that Kaa-san liked it when we used alchemy because it reminded her of O-tou-san. Even though she'd dropped all kinds of hints about this throughout the first fifteen minutes of this episode.

Edward: Al. Let's revive Kaa-san. Even though everybody and God has told us, and will continue to tell us, that it's a bad idea. This isn't ego or desperation or downright insanity. Ignore the finality of that drumroll.


*commercial break*


Edward: Look, information about human transmutation!

Alphonse: But it says that it's forbidden.

Edward: Don't worry, I have a conspiracy theory to explain that. And anyway, I, as a ten-year-old child, am clearly a better alchemist than our dad, whose notes I'm reading right now. But I don't have an ego or anything.


*later*


Edward: Here are the ingredients for an adult human body. Why there is so much ammonia in it and so little calcium ... well, that might have something to do with why the equation always fucks up.

Alphonse: After not arguing with you for a year, I'm having a hard time standing up to you now. But I feel a need to point out that we're missing something.

Edward: You're right. Let's make sure that the equivalent exchange tentacles can identify us by the taste of our blood. They're kind of like Moomba that way.

Alphonse: Y'know, if the answer were this easy, don't you think somebody would have come up with it before?


*it was a dark and stormy night ... it's always a dark and stormy night*


Mustang: Woohoo, I got a line!


*back in the house*


Alphonse: Nii-san, do you think something's wrong?

Edward: I dunno, how often do you see purple alchemy?

Voiceover!Alphonse: The last thing I remember seeing was my brother's left leg being decomposed. That's a much more important thing to fix in mind than my own body being ripped apart.

Alphonse: Nii-san, you're bleeding everywhere!

Edward: Yeah, and I've been bleeding from at least one major artery for a little while now, but let's stop and chat about what went wrong before we seek any assistance for this situation. You can carry me to the neighbor's house when I've passed out from hypotensive shock.


*at Winry's place*


Winry: So you two came back from your training?

Alphonse: That was a cabbage-line, wasn't it?

Winry: Sorry.

Mustang: Yay, I have more lines! Ahem. Hello there, let me introduce myself. I'm the guy who killed your parents. Oops, that was a spoiler, wasn't it? Lemme take that back. I'm a random State Alchemist. Let me give you your one and only look at my pocketwatch.

Pinako: What does a soldier want?

Mustang: I got this letter, which for some reason came to my office despite being addressed to a Mr. James Herbert. Maybe the fact that the address consists simply of "the military headquarters, central" has something to do with its misdirection.

Pinako: Go away.

Mustang: If he survived an attempt at human transmutation, he's more interesting than his father.

Edward: What would you say if I told you I did TWO human transmutations?

Mustang: Ignore this long and soft look I'm giving you. You're eleven and unconscious after all.


*later*


Winry: Laying a single wet cloth over someone's forehead is a known and effective medical treatment for massive blood loss and traumatic amputation.

Edward: I want automail.

Pinako: Shocking! So shocking! I mean ... we're automail engineers after all ... but I never expected you to ask for that!

Edward: I want to be a State Alchemist too, so I can grow up to be just like Roy Mustang. I'll have research funds, and access to rare documents, and that nifty pocketwatch that is said to amply an alchemist's power even though we're never given any documentation of this. These lines are for the cabbages in the audience.

Pinako: If you become a State Alchemist, you'll be a dog of the military. You'll be mobilized in times of war, and you'll have to kill with alchemy. These are cabbage-lines too. I don't really expect them to change your mind.

Edward: Good, because we all know that I'm calling all the shots here.


*in the operating room*


Winry: WE CAN REBUILD HIM! WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

Pinako: *wiping her forehead with the back of her hand* Asepsis? What's that?

Edward: It sucks that this happened in the days before morphine. Wait ... what do you mean that they had morphine in 1910!?


*by the lake*


Edward: I'm going to be a State Alchemist.

Alphonse: I'll be one too.

Edward: Copycat.

Alphonse: It was my fault though. You can't hog the guilt complex all to yourself! I need my own angst!

Edward: Although I will later say in Episode 20 that I've never beaten you in a fight, it sure as hell looks like I won this fight.

Alphonse: Have you given up on Kaa-san?

Edward: I don't want to lose you.

Alphonse: I don't ever want to be separated from you. This is NOT TO PROMOTE ELRICEST!

Edward: Let's go burn our house and make people boggle. I'll change into some tight leather pants first.