Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 8 - Kenja no Ishi ( Chapter 8 )

*clap - hands on wall*

Edward: ... wait, why isn't this doing anything? I'm trying to transmute Nina back alive, and yeah, that's pretty much impossible, but there should be some blue sparks or SOMETHING. Where's my homunculus!chimera!Nina?

Alphonse: Are you sure you should be trying what amounts to human transmutation in front of a pack of witnesses like this?

Mustang: I have the same old lines for the cabbages in the audience, about State Alchemists, war, and killing people with alchemy, that we've heard a half dozen times before, just in case our audience is tuning in late ... Oh, I was supposed to tie that to the matter at hand somehow?

Hawkeye: You'd better go kick Edward around a little before he starts freaking out. Nothing brings a boy back to his senses like cruel rationality.

Hughes: Damn, Edward doesn't even come up as high as my shoulder ... Oh well! Let's discuss his friend's death in gruesome detail while he's still listening. Because that's what friends are for!


*Opening credits*

*Title card : The Philosopher's Stone*


Edward: I haven't slept at all, but somewhere found the time and inclination to change my bloody right glove to a clean one. So what are our orders?

Havoc: Aww, aren't you cute, trying to be the brave little soldier! I just wanna pinch your cheek!

Edward: Try it and lose a hand. And Tucker can do his own research!

Havoc: Tucker is dead. Already executed. Even though he was arrested less than eight hours ago.

Edward: ... military justice is fast! Note to self: Don't get caught.


*later*


Alphonse: Look, I found our Ultimate Purpose in Tucker's research notes.

Edward: I'm too busy feeding these glowing gold lights to care.

Alphonse: The Philosopher's Stone is so cool though! It's the ultimate secret of alchemy! It amplifies an alchemist's power by INFINITY! It lets you bypass the law of equivalent exchange! These lines are for the cabbages in the audience, since I know that you already know what a frickin' Philosopher's Stone is.

Edward: Although I just threw a bag at you, it will shock the hell out of me in Episode 19 when I throw a teacup at you, too.


*in Mustang's office*


Mustang: What was it I told you to do?

Edward: But I don't wanna do that!

Mustang: Then do whatever you want, but leave your watch behind. This will be the cause of some confusion about whether or not it's just THAT easy to drop your State Alchemist title, and just what the hell the relationship is between the State Alchemists and the regular military.


*out in the city*


Scar: Aren't you that State Alchemist I met the other day?

Edward: I'm not a State Alchemist anymore. This statement will serve to refute those who maintain that leaving one's watch behind is similar to a cop leaving his badge behind and going off on his own, and add to the confusion about just what the hell the significance of my gesture was.

Scar: Let me make an overly-dramatic statement as I'm walking away. This will somehow not make me any less cool in the long run. Oops, was that my out-loud voice?


*at the train station*


Winry: I must announce why I'm in town, even though nobody has asked! This will imply that, despite what Pinako will say later in Episode 17, somebody sent us at least one letter ... otherwise, how in the hell did I know that they needed to be congratulated on anything? Either that, or I'm just prone to assumption.


*Central HQ*


Hawkeye: What makes you think I know anything about the Philosopher's Stone? Do I look like an alchemist to you?

Alphonse: You're female and, despite the gun, therefore somewhat less intimidating than all the alchemists we've met, who so far have invariably been male.

Hawkeye: Damn, you mean it takes testicles to be an alchemist?

Alphonse: No, but for awhile it will sure seem that way.

Bradley: Just passing through, making sure that you don't stop the overall series plot dead in its tracks right here.


*in the cafeteria*


Edward: Even though I say I'm not a State Alchemist, for some reason the military still agrees to feed me. Little do they realize that I could eat this whole building!

Hughes: Isn't my daughter cute? Hey, watch where you clap those hands! For you, that's the same as drawing an array under my feet!

Edward: Don't worry, I didn't accidentally transmute the table when I touched it. Why not? Who knows! This will serve to lull the audience into thinking that I can't actually accidentally transmute stuff. Besides, you owe me two favors!

Hughes: We were keeping count? Then you owe me at least one for not letting you fall to your death on the tracks, natch! And what about giving you information about Tucker's chimera, which was, y'know, classified? And letting you tag along to a crime scene where you had no business being?

Edward: Let's not keep count after all ...

Hughes: I'll cash one of them in by eating your lunch.

Random guy: Are you Edward Elric?

Edward: How many blond children out of uniform do you see in this room?

Cook: Thank you for doing this all the time!

Woman!Barry: It's not like you're paying me or anything. So, how about some random exposition so I can be prepared to incapacitate Edward?


*outside*


Winry: Rather than wait quietly where I was told, I'll wander around and accept an invitation from a stranger to check out the back of her car. But I'll have the foresight to drop a large-gauge screw identical to the ones I used in Ed's automail so he knows I was here.


*commercial break*


Edward: I can spot a screw all the way across the courtyard, but I can't recognize Winry's suitcase and jacket when they're right next to me. Wait, there was a refrigeration car here? Time for one of my genius leaps of intuition! I won't tell anybody what I suspect, though, not even this guy standing next to me who could easily carry a message to Hughes for me, because I'm twelve and immortal in my own mind. Somehow, I also know exactly where Barry's meat packing warehouse is.


*in the warehouse*


Edward: Didn't I see this place at the beginning of Blade?

Woman!Barry: Welcome, I've been expecting you!

Edward: ... you were?

Woman!Barry: Of course I was! Otherwise, why would I be laying this trap for you?

Edward: Dammit, I'm chained up again! Somebody has a fetish for this, I swear to god!

Barry: Where'd I leave my breasts ...

Edward: ARRGH! FLASHBACKS! Do you expect me to just sit here and watch you cut up my no-she's-not-my-girlfriend?

Barry: Why no, Mr. Elric! I expect you to die!

Edward: Hah, bet you forgot that just because I don't need an array, I can still use one! Actually ... I don't blame you, because in a couple of episodes I'll forget this too.

Barry: Dammit, I guess I'll have to slice you up instead of the young lady. Oh well, you're pretty enough to BE a young lady.

Edward: I won't learn how to be attractive while getting the crap kicked out of me for twelve more episodes.

Winry: Edward is in trouble, and I'm chained to a dangling hook! Clearly, the thing to do is find small random table standing around and climb up onto it while Ed is transmuting his automail, so I can lose my balance and fall off!

Barry: It's all in the way you hold your tongue.

Edward: Thanks for showing up, everybody, after I already had him down and was about to take his head off. You call this a rescue? Where were you five minutes ago?

Voiceover!Alphonse: Sorry, I needed some coffee. Did I miss the whole episode?? Ahem. This became known as Nii-san's first accomplishment. Even though Hughes figured it out independently of him, because he ran off without telling anybody where he was going.

Hughes: That's right! Why don't I get any credit for this?

Alphonse: Nii-san? This might be a bad time, since you're obviously going post-traumatic, but I feel a need to bring up the Philosopher's Stone again. You need to be a State Alchemist though. Not that I'm trying to push you back into the military or anything. Oh, wait, lemme try to tie this in to what just happened, otherwise it might seem random.


*later, in Mustang's office*


Edward: I'm ready to do what I'm told. As long as it doesn't involve handcuffs. Because that chain-up-Edward thing is starting to get to me.

Mustang: I could threaten you! But I won't! Wait, I just did. Nevermind!

Edward: I haven't gotten any sleep this entire episode, you bastard.

Mustang: Here's your second name. I bet you can't guess what it is!

Edward: I bet I can!

Mustang: No way, this will come as a total surprise to everybody.

Edward: ... my name is "Full Metall"??

Mustang: Told you so.

Edward: I'm not above being overly-dramatic.


*out in the city*


Edward: I still haven't gotten any sleep. So, just for the heck of it, I'll wear my pocketwatch on my left hip, instead of where I usually wear it on my right, so that Scar can spot it easily as we go past him.

Scar: Thanks! Back on the hit list!