Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Hagane no Renkinjutsushi - Summarized ❯ Episode 24 - Omoide no Teichaku ( Chapter 24 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Leo: Why do we always end up taking care of this guy when he drops in with injuries?

Rick: I told you we shouldn't have signed up for the "serial killer hospitality committee." But YOU said we'd never have any serial killers here ...

Elder: Ishbala protects those with the blood of Ishbal. Except uh ... for all those people killed by the State Alchemists in the war ... No, wait, that was part of God's plan! Right ...

Mercenaries: Are we part of God's plan too?

Number 66: *pant pant*

Mercenary Leader: What's the matter?

Number 66: I'm wishing I still had a cock so I could get a hard-on.

Elder: Is God still trying to test us with an ordeal?

God: Why the fuck are you blaming all of this on me? Get out there and protect yourselves.


*Opening credits*

*Title card : Affixing Memories*


Alphonse: Wait a second ... isn't the last-episode-recap supposed to come BEFORE the credits?

Edward: That's more of a guideline than a rule. Kind of like those yellow lines on the road, it's just a helpful suggestion.

*flash forward*

Alphonse: Oh good, that was just a flashback. I wonder why Nii-san wouldn't answer me. It didn't have anything to do with my interruptions, or the way I smashed him in the face, did it? Wait a second ... aren't I supposed to stay clear of water?


*later*


Leo: Let's duck down this alley. That shopkeeper will never think to look in an alley for us.

Alphonse: Wow. I always thought it was Nii-san that the plot kind of tripped over, but apparently I don't need him around in order for plot to wander by!


*elsewhere*


Winry: Hey, have you seen anything that looks like this?

Random Man: Nope. And your portrait-drawing technique obviously hasn't been passed down in your family for generations.

Edward: Don't offer your umbrella to the injured teenager or anything, thanks anyway Winry.

Winry: Hey, I have to have some kind of compensation for the numerous disadvantages of being female! You're a boy, you can handle some rain.

Edward: This is turning out to be the best birthday I've ever had!


*meanwhile, down in the sewers*


Alphonse: Wow, you guys have a sweet little village set up down here.

Elder: Yeah, it's almost like home. We even have hot and cold running sewage. By the way, you're dressed kind of oddly.

Scar: He's safe. I know this because we had a brief bonding session while I was hunting down his only known family member like a dog. He's not military, and everybody knows that the only people we need to fear are the military.

Rick: Don't hurt our serial killer! Hang on ... this gesture I'm giving Scar is kind of suggestive, isn't it?

Scar: Rick, that was supposed to be our secret. No blow job for you tonight!

Elder: Well, if you know our resident psychotic killer, that makes everything fine with me. We'll trust you not to tell anyone where we are ... you know, people like your military brother.

Alphonse: You can trust me! So, how did this happen?

Scar: Thanks for giving me an opportunity to present my State Alchemist Killer Manifesto. By the way, where's your brother? We have ... uh ... some research we're supposed to work on together. Yeah, that's it.

Alphonse: I don't know where he is.

Scar: Damn. I really expected you to fall for that.

Alphonse: I did! I just genuinely don't know where he is.

Rick: Not to interrupt, but I just realized that I lost my plot device.

Scar: Hey Al, let's you and me go chase after the kids and bond some more.

Alphonse: Sure thing!


*up topside*


Rick: Am I the only one to notice that this sidewalk is unusually clean and tidy?

Leo: Nope, I noticed that too. It makes your inability to immediately locate your plot device all the more baffling. I guess it's a good thing there aren't any pedestrians, or else someone might have stepped on it or picked it up.

Scar: Come on, kids, it's time for dinner.


*elsewhere*


*phone rings*

Sloth: Come on, do I really have to give you orders for every little move you make? I said "locate and terrorize the Ishbalites." How many kinds of stupid are you, that you need to call me when you find a couple of them?


*in the city*


Alphonse: Let's have some exposition about your plot device.

Rick: Sure thing!

Leo: I have some exposition too! Don't forget me! I have secret tragic angst too!

Alphonse: You and everyone else in this series. But thanks for providing me with someone to compare myself against.

Leo: No problem.

Scar: Observe as I use the Ishbalite Sekrit Mirror Code. This code means, "I like to hump water buffalo."

Rick: Nope, nobody has followed us! Dang, I keep forgetting what the Elder says. "Don't forget to look both ways, then up."

Mercenaries: Nobody will notice us using a rocket launcher inside the capital city.

Alphonse: Oh, please, don't even bother trying to fight me hand-to-hand. I can beat up the Fullmetal Alchemist! Didn't you people read the character outlines?

Mercenaries: Well, damn. Anyway, we know a smoke bomb will stop you in your tracks, despite you not really needing to breathe.


*commercial break*


Alphonse: Holy shit, Scar can drive a car??

Scar: I have a day job as a pizza delivery driver. I have a murder addiction to support.

Elder: The whole village chipped in for the Jeep!

Leo: Hang on, I have some random angst to share. Oh, we have a scene cut? Do that first then. This will take a couple of minutes.


*elsewhere*


Winry: Al called you?

Edward: I'm not too injured to use the phone myself, you know.

Winry: Quiet. We're trying to keep the number of lines you have in this episode to a minimum.


*back in the car*


Leo: Okay, do we have time for my angst now? Good. Let's have a flashback!

Alphonse: As long as it isn't six episodes long.

Leo: Nahh, my angst is much less detailed than yours.

Scar: Sharing time is over, time to play.


*in the house*


Mercenary Leader: In case the cabbages in the audience haven't figured it out from our slovenly uniforms and exceptionally ugly character designs, I have some lines to spell out that we're mercenaries and not regular military. That means we're Evil (tm).

Random Mercenary: How about some cabbage lines on why we only kidnapped one kid instead of killing the whole pack?

Mercenary Leader: Uh ...

Alphonse: Look, Nii-san isn't the only person who can use combat alchemy creatively! Okay, well, maybe this wasn't all that creative, but still!

Mercenary Leader: I'll take out the scarred guy, the rest of you all dogpile on the armor.

Number 66: I call dibs! Did you know that the E-D's main phasers have an energy output of 3.6 gigawatts? And that's phased energy!

Alphonse: Dammit. I knew there was something I was forgetting to do.

Number 66: I'm sure you had a lot of vibrator-related things on your mind, so I'll forgive you. Plus, you know that no Imperial star destroyer uses phased energy, so it's a lost cause anyway.

Edward: Don't be such a dork.

Alphonse: Nii-san! Why are you here?

Winry: Duh, you obviously need help with this.

Edward: What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you letting this guy beat the shit out of you? Don't you know that the weaponry of an Imperial transport ship outguns the Enterprise-D by a factor of a hundred-to-one?

Number 66: That's just numbers in a book!

Edward: How about the on-screen proof that a single seismic charge from a bounty hunter's little patrol ship has more destructive power than the Enterprise's entire battery of photon torpedoes? Why are you even getting into star destroyers, when a little bitty ship that looks like a zipper has better weapons than the Federation's capital warships?

Alphonse: Nii-san!

Mercenaries: This geek debate has gone on way too long. Who had the rocket launcher?

Edward: By the way, Al, what I was going to ask you was whether or not you hated me. I mean, was that obvious or what? I'm pretty sure you were the only person who was unable to guess what I was afraid to ask you.

Alphonse: Damn. Well, now that I've been empowered by this information, I can fight for myself.

Edward: Good, because you know I still have two holes in me. And now I'm damp too, from running all over town in the rain. The things I do for love.

Mercenary Leader: Hah! Take that!

Scar: You must be tuning in late if you think your alchemy will intimidate me. I fear nothing!

Mercenary Leader: But you couldn't pop my brain open.

Scar: Yeah, the warranty on my Arm O' Doom ran out last week ...

Mercenaries: Sorry, we can't shoot him for you, we've been caged. Somehow, this disarmed us too.

Mercenary Leader: Who are you?

Edward: A dog of the military, duh.

Mercenary Leader: You're a State Alchemist!?

Number 66: A State Alchemist!?

Edward: ... why are you acting so surprised? I thought everybody knew by now. Especially you, Barry, you knew back in Episode 8 that I'd passed the qualification exam. Remember stealing my arm so I couldn't transmute by clapping?

Number 66: ... oh yeah. Nevermind. I kill you! Oh, damn, I forgot about the guy with the arm.

Rick: Of all the dozens of spikes flying everywhere out of that explosion, only one hits anybody! So naturally, the one that hit me was stopped by my plot device.

Elder: How fortunate. This gives me a chance to explain about your mother's blindness. Why I didn't do this in the car while Leo was ranting about his angst ... well, it just wasn't the right time!

Leo: Wow, and she pretended to be able to see. We must have been pretty damned gullible to have bought her excuses for why she never looked us in the face while talking to us, or why she kept falling over the furniture.


*back at headquarters*


Mercenary Leader: I want answers!

Sloth: Too bad. I want peace and quiet.


*at the docks*


Alphonse: So where are you all going? We'll need to know this later when Nii-san remembers that he forgot to ask you about the magic rock and we come chasing after you.

Leo: And the moral of today's after-school special is to treasure your memories always!

Edward: Oh yeah, that reminds me, about the magic rock ...

Scar: Let's go!

Edward: Hey! Just because I waited until the last second to ask doesn't mean you can just sail off like that! I thought we had some kind of relationship here! You don't kill me, and I ask about the magic rock!

Alphonse: Let's go. And let's remember that I always beat you in everything.

Edward: Except that fight in Episode 3.

Alphonse: You just won't let me live that down, will you?

Edward: As the only fight with you I've ever won? Never!