Fullmetal Alchemist Fan Fiction ❯ Lonely Mornings ❯ Breakfast, Bras and Bad Dogs ( Chapter 9 )

[ X - Adult: No readers under 18. Contains Graphic Adult Themes/Extreme violence. ]

Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and its attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Viz and Funimation.

Warning: Contains sexual language and situations. Profanity abounds.

Lonely Mornings - Chapter 9: Breakfast, Bras, and Bad Dogs
A Fullmetal Alchemist Fanfiction
by Anne Packrat

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Riza stared at her colonel with mild horror. Roy was shoveling food into his mouth faster than Ed could piss off Winry. He was already on his second serving of eggs and toast. She watched as he emptied the plate and moved onto his cereal.

<i>"It's like he's never eaten breakfast before!"</i> she thought, gazing at him in morbid fascination, <i>"Then again, given his habits, maybe he hasn't."</i>

Aloud she asked, "Roy, do you normally eat anything substantial in the morning?"

Roy paused, spoon halfway to his mouth. "Does whiskey count?"

"No!"

"Then no, I don't," he answered before continuing his assault on his cereal.

She sighed. "You really should take better care of yourself."

"Why?" he questioned in between mouthfuls of cereal, "I have you to take care of me."

"Roy!" she scolded, "I am not your mother!"

He snorted, narrowly avoiding inhaling a Cheerio up his nose. "Don't I know it. I wish my mom was as good-looking as you."

She blushed but dropped the subject. <i>"He keeps catching me off guard like that. Maybe his charm is starting to affect me finally,"</i> she mused. She watched with distaste as he noisily slurped the remaining milk from his bowl. <i>"Or maybe not."</i>

"Can I ask you a personal question?" Roy said now attacking his orange juice. She nodded. "Is your bra size a 34C?"

Unthinking she answered, "Yes that's right-" She realized what she was saying and stopped. Riza glared at him. "Roy! Why do you want to know that?" she said, angry and blushing.

He shrugged. "Just curious if Havoc's streak was still intact. It is by the way. He was right."

Morbid curiosity spurred her to ask, "Havoc's streak?"

Finishing his juice, he put the glass on the table making a "pling" sound. "That man has an uncanny ability to accurately guess bra sizes. I think he's gotten 12 in a row now."

Clenching her fist, her voice was dangerously low. "You all discuss my bra size?"

Slightly alarmed at her sudden anger, Roy sought to calm her, "Hey, don't worry, it's not just yours. We talk about all the female officers. And some of the males too." He noted that she still looked pissed. He had to calm her down fast or else bullets might start flying. He decided a joke was best. "Er, Breda's a 40B in case it should ever come up in conversation."

Riza gave up and slumped in defeat. She smiled wanly. "You are all pigs."

He shrugged. "We're men," he said, as if that explained everything. Maybe it did.

The lapsed into a comfortable silence, which Riza used to eat her own food, while Roy refilled his cereal bowl.

Eventually Riza said, "Roy, about what we did last night..."

He grinned. "Hey, I got no complaints about last night." He noticed the serious look on her face, and his grin faded. "I thought you enjoyed last night too, I mean-"

She held up her hand to stop him. "No, you're right, I enjoyed it," she blushed lightly, "I just mean that we forgot to take precautions."

"Oh," Roy said, "I kind of forgot about that." He looked up at her and flushed pink himself. "Er, is there a chance you could be-?"

She shook her head. "I don't think so, but a woman's cycle can vary, so it's not the most reliable method. There's a slight chance."

"Er, okay." Roy wasn't sure exactly what to say. His experience with "womanly cycles" amounted to "be extra nice to Hawkeye when she's PMSing or else." (He was always afraid to ask or else what.)

"I suppose I can take care of that for next time," he said. Then his grin returned, "Or else you could just you know do other stuff instead." He waggled his eyebrows.

She ignored said eyebrows because she knew they promised nothing but trouble. But they did bring up a topic she wanted to discuss. Fidgeting nervously, she asked "Did you enjoy the 'other stuff' last night?"

"Oh definitely," he answered earnestly, "I do think that was one of the best blowjobs I've ever had."

She sighed in relief even as she blushed at his unusual compliment. "I'm glad. To tell you the truth I was kind of nervous. I've never done that kind of thing before."

Roy's jaw dropped. "That was your first blowjob?! How the hell did you get so good at it then?"

Riza bit her lip and looked down at the swirling liquid in her mug. "I kind of got help from a friend."

A small spike of alarm rose in Roy at the way she said that. "This.... wouldn't happen to have been a male friend would it?"

She looked up at him and frowned. "Yes it was," she said, slightly annoyed, "But you have nothing to worry about. He gave me pointers that was all." She noticed his raised eyebrows. "Pointers given over coffee. In a coffee shop. While we were fully clothed." Her gaze again returned to her mug, and she continued more softly, "I didn't even ask for them, he volunteered, and I was curious so I listened."

This did little to settle Roy's unease. "I still don't think you should be talking about that kind of stuff with other guys. They might get the wrong idea."

Riza sighed and put down her coffee. "Look, you have absolutely nothing to fear from this guy. He's my hairdresser, and he's gayer than Sergeant Johnson over in Internal Affairs. Once a month we go out for coffee and talk."

She was amused by how he visibly relaxed when she said the word "gay." "So what do you talk about with this queer anyway?"

Riza was not pleased at his choice of synonyms, but she let it go. "Mostly we talk about men, clothes and other girl stuff," she answered, "Though Horatio is much more into fashion then I am."

Roy's eyebrow arched, "Horatio?"

She nodded. "His name is Horatio Timious Snarfwoggler the Fourth."

Roy whistled. "That's quite a name."

She took a sip of her tea before responding. "Yes, which is why most people call him by his stage name."

An icy chill ran up his spine. She couldn't be talking about *him* could she? With a sinking feeling he asked, "What is his stage name?"

"It's kind of silly, really," Riza said lightly, "But he likes to be called Bubbles."

All the color drained from Roy's face. His mouth worked but little sound came out.

"B-B-Bubbles?" he croaked.

She put down her cup and looked at him with concern. "Yes... Say, are you all right? You look awfully pale."

He worked on regaining his composure (only partially succeeding). He coughed nervously. "Uh, yeah, something went down the wrong pipe," he said quickly, "I'm fine now."

"If you're sure...." she told him doubtfully, "Do you need want more to eat?"

He shook his head. "No, I think I've had enough, thank you." His face scrunched in puzzlement as he recalled something she'd said a minute ago.

"Er, did you say Sergeant Johnson in Internal Affairs is gay?"

Riza nodded.

"So those manly slaps to the rear that he likes to give me in the locker room...?"

"Was him trying to feel you up? Yes."

Roy groaned. "Why the hell do I keep attracting men?"

Grinning she replied, "I suppose the good ol' Mustang Charm knows no gender boundaries. You'll have Armstrong or Falman slapping your ass next."

He glared at her. "That's not funny."

She didn't reply, instead giving him her version of his infamous smirk.

Roy rolled his eyes, then leaned back and stretched. "I suppose I should get going soon. I have to stop by my apartment and get a fresh uniform."

"You don't have to do that," she said as she cleared the dishes off the table and deposited them in the sink. "I have a spare uniform of yours here."

Roy raised an eyebrow. "There is? Why?" He made a fist and hit his other hand with it in an "A-ha" gesture. "I know! You like to stare at it and imagine yourself slowly stripping it off me!"

She rolled her eyes, then smiled and walked over to him. "Actually I like to wear it myself, then I snap my fingers a lot, pretending I'm the great Flame Alchemist." As an illustration, she put her hand in front of his face and snapped. "Part of the game also involves neglecting my paperwork, stealing Havoc's girlfriends and generally acting like a smug bastard."

He grinned. "Hey, sounds like fun. Let me play some time. I bet I'd be good at it!"

"I'm sure," Riza said wryly, "I bet you'd be the world champion in no time."

Pulling her into his arms he whispered, "You know if you really are interested in role-playing I know this place that rents costumes and-"

"Roy!" she said, pushing him away and laughing, "The real reason I have your uniform is because I picked up your dry cleaning a few days ago, remember? It's in the closet in the study." Looking at the clock, she frown and pushed him toward the hall. "Now go get dressed before we're both late for work!"

Roy pouted but allowed her to push him. "Can I at least help dress you?"

She sighed. "No."

"Please?"

She ran her hands through her hair. "Look, how about I let you undress me tonight instead?"

He leaned in to give her a quick kiss. "Deal." He disappeared into the study in search of his elusive uniform. She went into the bedroom, closed the door and got out her own uniform.

After a few minutes Roy came out straightening his jacket. He knocked on the bedroom door. "Hey, Riza, can I ask you something?"

"Hold on!" came her muffled reply. She came out with her jacket undone and her hands behind her head putting her hair up. A hair clip dangled from her mouth. Once her hair was ready she nodded to him. "Go on."

Red tinged Roy's cheeks as he asked, "Er, I was getting my uniform and I really don't want to pry you know, but...."

Confused at what could be upsetting her boyfriend, she said, "Spit it out, Roy."

He sighed and decided just to get it over with. "Why is there a pile of chewed up panties in the back of the closet in there?"

Riza's eye's widened. "Damn, is that where he's been putting them?"

Confused Roy asked, "Who?"

Frustrated she began looking around the apartment. "Who? Black Hayate, of course!" She wondered into the bedroom and looked under the bed and in the closet, but the puppy was not to be found so easily. "Damn dog keeps stealing my underwear every day for the past few weeks."

He opened his mouth to say something, but she put out a hand to silence him. Roy watched in alarm as she drew the gun from her waist. "Hayate! You have until the count of 3 to get out here."

<i>"One..."</i>

No dog appeared.

<i>"Two..."</i>

Still no dog.

<i>"2 and a half...."</i>

She clicked the gun safety off.

A black and white flash nearly knocked Roy over. Hayate slid to a halt in front of her breathing heavily, and nearly tripping over himself. She smiled mirthlessly and put her gun away. She picked up the panting pup and looked him straight in the eyes.

"Hayate, I found where you've been stashing them, so the jig is up. Stop stealing my underwear or else I'll have to make up the money for them out of your treats budget. Do you understand?"

Hayate whimpered and nodded.

Riza put him down. "Good boy. Now go get your leash. We're going to work."

The puppy's ears perked up at this and he rushed off into the kitchen.

Roy stared at his lieutenant with a mixture of fear and awe. "Good god, Riza! If you do that with a dog, I'm almost afraid to see what you'd do with our kids. They'll be doing precision military drills by the time they're five!"

She shrugged. "Proper discipline is important, whether it's for puppies, children, or colonels."

Roy smiled and shook his head. "You are one amazing woman, Riza Hawkeye."

Riza blushed lightly at the compliment. "Thank you, Roy," she said softly.

Hayate returned with a leash in his mouth. Hawkeye picked him up, and the pup cuddled against her chest.

Roy fought down a surge of jealousy. Great, now he was envious of the damn dog.
Still, he would much rather be the one burying his face in her breasts. Oh well, he'd have to wait for tonight.

"Why has he been stealing his panties anyway?" he asked.

She scratched the dog on the head. "I'm not sure exactly, but I think he may have gotten the idea in his head from someone at the office."

Roy stiffened when a memory suddenly rose unbidden in his mind. He'd been chatting with the rest of the men. Riza had been at lunch, and he had jokingly suggested they go on a panty raid to her apartment. The others merely laughed off his suggestion saying it was a suicide mission. Now Roy remembered quite clearly that Black Hayate had been staring intently at him during the entire conversation. <i>"Good god,"</i> he thought, <i>"He couldn't have gotten the idea from that could he...?"</i>

Out loud he said, "Uh, how long ago did he start doing this?"

She thought for a minute then answered, "Just under four weeks ago I think. Why do you want to know?"

Roy's jaw dropped, but he quickly coughed to cover up his surprise. "Uh, no reason." He looked away. "Uh, I think he probably learned it from Breda and Havoc."

She nodded. "I figured as much. They're the main perverts after all."

Roy sagged in relief. She hadn't figured out Hayate's panty-thieving was his fault. He was still on her good side.

"All though I wouldn't be surprised if he learned it from you," she said coyly looking back at him, "After all, you're the biggest pervert of all."

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Author's Indulgence

Well, another chapter done. I wanted to tie up a few loose ends here, and torture Roy at the same time. After all, torturing Roy is so much fun. Almost as much fun as torturing Havoc...

Speaking of Havoc, he's turning out to be quite the interesting guy in this story isn't he? He gets slapped all the time, reads literary criticism and is able to accurately measure bra sizes. Kind of an hopeless perverted intellectual I guess.

Havoc will be running rampant through the next chapter. The next chapter will also be the last, excepting the epilogue. I am planning on a sequel eventually, which will have Roy and Havoc trying their matchmaking skills on Ed and Winry. It's not going to go well, of course. In the meantime I will write more of "Special Missions" and one or two more One-shots.

A big project I plan on starting is a series intended as a side / stand alone story to the anime. It does feature an original character, but the main difference between this and the rest is that almost the entire CAST is original. And I've done a lot of research to make it all fit in well. Give it a look if you like when I finally get it up.

-Thanks to the creators and crew of the FMA manga and anime.
-Thanks to my husband who is still watching freaking Nascar.
-Thanks to those who send feedback or review. I greatly appreciate it.
-And Thanks to you for reading.

Next chapter: What is Havoc's true role in this whole charade? Why are Breda, Fuery and Falman wondering about Roy's sexual orientation? And why is Sheizka there?

--Anne Packrat (May 13, 2006)